About four years ago I met a friend who I hadn’t seen in years. We had lunch and the talk turned into "about women chatter."
Then he pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of all his conquests, she was like this and she was like that. ‘buono, il brutto, il cattivo;’ clearly the objective was not intended to be immoral.
Nevertheless, the way I see it, talking about woman as conquests have a negative impact on our small society. Ethiopian ladies have problems being open with Ethiopian guys for mostly two reasons;
The first is that some males (not just Ethiopians) look at woman as a trophy, they judge their manhood by the number or by the beauty of the woman they “triumph over.” There is just one problem with that, its not “triumph” if no one knows about it. They do what ever it takes to notify everyone about it!
The second male is the “quality” guy who thinks he is better because the woman on his arm has to be the best looking girl in the arena. This guy is usually a successful in many parts of his life and is “triumphant” with the ladies as well. I call this “the trophy wife syndrome!” This type of guy gets his ego stoked whenever others look or talk about his girls beauty. This guy walks with his chin up high whenever he is with his trophy! He likes the idea of her more than her.
From my perspective both are types of weregnenet. Some guys like the idea of being seen as a player or as "an Alpha-male." Some like to be seen with different woman and some like to show off their woman and the rest like the idea of being with as many women as possible.
I think most of it comes with insecurity. Why else would they talk and show others? Of course some of it is for self, sexual or not they want to “have” different woman just to prove they can; but that is another topic.
Normal people want to love and or be loved and nothing else. The rest is baggage that comes and has to be dealt with.
To come to point, the whole talking and showing about woman is enlarged when the community is smaller as in the Ethiopians expats. Common sense would tell that the way we “in general” chatter about our woman that way affects the way they treat and act towards the men.
I have come to learn that this is one of the major concerns Ethiopian woman have with their male counters. So I suggest we just keep mouth shut!
In mark of distinction of the topic, podcasted is one of my favorite Tilahun Gessesse songs; temporarily titled is le’werE yelewume freE! titiled Sima!
you conveniently left out any mention of how some women enjoy being the ‘trophy wife/gf’.
Here is my most frank opinion on this… esp within younger generations and in certain portions of ethiopian communities there is an infatuation with ‘reputation’, ‘fronting’ and ‘superficial social image/strata’. The disclaimer is: there are down-to earth, and independently thinking/moving individuals within any society. But this discussion about trophy g/f is a two way road, so I wouldn’t simply blame the men…its part of the ‘image thing’ that both men and women are concerned bout. It is both parties! maybe it’s present in every culture? Can’t really be sure, though reading the last part of this suggested otherwise to me….
Some women also enjoy having a trophy husband. One that looks good, has the mula, drives a nice car, physically fit, owns a nice home, etc. The man they want to be seen with but do not love. Her eyes glow when she’s out in public because she looks good in his arms.
Some men do talk about their conquests and so do women but just not in public.
I think the bottom line is respect one another and if you choose not to do so then don’t complain about the opposite sex.
Hey ladies, its funny that you guys mentioned that the “trophy syndrome” applies to both… I am sure it does! and I concur that its a type of showing or telling of conquests… gin its kinda off topic!
But I am glad everyone notices these things as negative behavior!
After getting a beating with the ‘Ethiofused’ blog, I think we’re seeing a new and improved Nolawi. Talking about “conquests” never achieves a single goal except being labelled a weregna by our peers.
I agree with weyzarit, bg and celeb though–it is a two way street. bg brings an interesting point with the disclaimer though. I do agree with it to a point, the younger generation should not be singled out for the problem of “trophism”, nor should it be completely vindicated from it. The problem of “trophism” is non generational. It has occured in each generation that has passed us and it’ll continue to happen in generations to come
EJ what is the correct title of the podcasted song?
[quote comment="34327"]EJ what is the correct title of the podcasted song?[/quote]
How did I miss that? That’s “Sema” from Ethiopiques 3. Great pick!
This is a much more sophisticated apporach from all of you commentators to the mutual issue that is out there. It has neither boundary nor race as you all pointed out. It is a human thing.
we all are students of life. Life has full of challenges and mistakes. It is a trial-and-error.
The difference, there are those learners who grow up as time moves fwd, and there are those who are static.
so, it is a choice for each of us whether to hang out with the eagles and eventually fly with them, or stuck with the Turkeys. it is a choice.
A brave and independent-minded one shouldn’t be giving in for peer pressure, and unhealthy status quo just because it is our tradition, culture. Unhealthy tradition, and culture can and must be refined to correct its shortcomings.
yea ..clap clap ..for Nolawi…changing his course ..and approaching the issue in a more subtle way. I say this brother, it is progressiveness. Learning, which we all ought to do.
Now, if you had been hammered, challenged by your male counterparts on some hot issue, would you, without losing your temprament, show also your progressiveness?
..
NICE Nolawi…good point!!
…I am in-sync with what you’re saying NoLawi, but I tend to always see such behaviors as weaknesses and call them out right there and then, just like I’d expect my friends do to/for me. So what I am saying is, it might be a misguided and wronlgy held or percieved notion so tell the dudes/gals to quit it.
..BIgfella, I had read that article a while back and found it interesting albeit opinionated as to what is a better way for any society…
..and MWC is it me or do you always like throwing in generalities…tell us what you think about the issue not what you think we should think of it…
soj,
I’d neither say it is you nor me, with the way I see and with how life has enriched me with so much trial-and-error. when it apears North to me, it may appear South to you. both of us could be wrong or correct, or either one.
I am a huge believer, that it is not only where we come from that shape, and mold our basic mind-set, but also, as we progress in life, the lifepath that we walk thru within that same environment we first pop up and also the additional lifepath we walked thru.
some folks’ lifepath may have been a straightpath and may not have taken them so deep to the forest of life, and if one has not been deep in the forest, one may or may not be able to see it from all quadrants.
our rich lifepath is decisive in the way we see things and govern our conscience, if we are regulated by it. On top of that, not everyone of us are wired the same way.
so, i am trying to say it the way i see it w/o just only shading my mental flashlight in one corner, and it may sound generalization to you or others. you may even lack a taste out of it, but, it depends on how you see things.
hope that helps.
Lol @ EJ and MWC…don’t know if Nol is trying to change his course…but I agree with what he wrote here. People who talk about others (whether in relationship or not)tend to be insecure. Of course some are chronically insecure…and feel the need to show off what they have (women/men, possessions, achievements)at every occasion, just to prove to the world that they are somebody. And if you missed the one opportunity he/she had to show off, what else?…except tell you all about it!
Well, I don’t believe someone who has confidence needs to prove anything to anyone…..he/she knows him/her self so well that there is no need to prove anything to anyone. So, yea, it all comes down to insecurity and lack of confidence.
Hello Nolawi….
Good topic….I am not sure but I think if a person views another as a trophy it has more to do with satisfying their ego than love for their trophy…and ego is self love and about self image isnt it, not much to do with loving another.
I think some women do it as much as some men, to get what they would consider the best boyfriend even if they dont love him, followed by the best husband and the best house and the newest car etc; problem is a they view the boyfriend the same way they view the house and the car both as a possesions, but people are not possessions and shouldnt be treated or viewed as such. I think it is about what values one has in life.
blah blah………. so what
i heart you Nolawi…
this is so true!
i also do agree tha wha u call “weregnenet” is a 2-way menged and it cuts across cultures/nations hence is not limited to Ethiopians alone, at least from wha i’ve observed.
reasons for such “weregnenet” differ from one person to another, and i dont necessarily believe tha it’s all bout insecurity. there are some who do it just to prove to others tha yeah, they have the confidence and ability to do it.
for others it’s all ’bout the fun/game they enjoy from the # of “triumphs” they achieve. there are some people who would just love to be seen out with the sought-after lady/guy. insecurity? could be, but prolly not always.
Are you commenting from our point of view as Ethiopian guys or you’re thinking this is how our women feel about us? Quite honestly I don’t think I belong in any of these categories that you have stated. I hope you’re not stereotyping.
Completely agree with Wude on this one. I think you hit the nail right on the head you said “People who talk about others (whether in relationship or not)tend to be insecure ”
I think that is the bottom line in any type of relationships (BF/GF, friendships, aquiantances, co-worker etc)
If one is feels inadequate in their own feelings toward self…He/She will tend to gossip, brag etc etc….very toxic behavior.
If someone wants to toot about their conquest I wouldn’t attempt to stop them because the damage has already been done. I also wouldn’t encourage them to continue their behavior. I would just let them be because a lesson cannot be force fed.
I don’t blame the trophy seekers alone I also blame the trophies. They’re playing into the ego stroking for the opportunity to be acknowledged by someone who’s not into anyone but the person they see in the mirror.
Let us not be in denial…there are men and women out there whose sole purpose is to be a trophy until the ticking of the clock starts buzzing them into reality.
I would also like to say some Ethio men talk about Ethio women because the women give them a reason to do so. God forbid if an Ethio man is well to do, looks good, or is born to well know parents he’ll get more trophies handed to him on a silver platter then he knows what to do with. So blame the women equally! Don’t only hate on my brothers!
Battle of the sexes has to be divided right in the center 50-50.
Yes, most men appreciate being seen with gorgeous women.And most women like to be admired, so it is a kind tit for tat contrat between the two: something like between the manager and the pop star.The manager organises tours,shows,.. to show off the talent he discovered and the star performs.
lol, at the analogy! of pop star!
Nolawi nefsu, don’t you ever hang out with your lady friends and listen to the way they talk about guys…i guess they do it when you’re not there, cuz it’s pretty close to what you discribe in this blog…..
The trophy thing is interesting. I’ve some friends who went to Addis recently and all they talk about is how good looking the people, especially the ladies, are. Physical beauty has become very, very important in Addis just the way it is in Western socities. So I guess it’s no longer “Tsebay kale muya kegorebet…”, now it’s “Melke kale muya…who cares about muya!”
Having the best looking lady or the best looking guy in the crowd is like a victory…you get to show off, and even to be shown off is nice sometimes…
Bernos, clever header images! And that is why I say visual ppl rock!
me wanna be a trophy wify
All of you in here be it male/female are hypocrites. The reason I am saying this is because everyone even you Nolawi if you were asked to be with a women that is not good looking (I understand beauty is in the eyes of the beholder) you will not be with her just for tsebay. So all humans given the chance will be with the best looking person. As far as Money is concerned both sexes would like the opposite sex to be well provided for. Lately I have heard some male inquiring on is she well educated, does she have money? before trying to be with a female, so this is just human nature to want the best for one selves. Now if love comes with it then good! again to relate to the article if you happen to find that person don’t brag about it. But we all aspire to be with the best looking, well educated, and well provided for.
Ayi,
I know we are somewhat of a hypocrypt, but we can talk hypothetically ideal situations….
Abesha men……This taking of pictures with random chics and posting them on hi5,facebook,myspace or in some other public arena…..trying to act like you’re a pimp or something, while they are chics that u randomly took pics with….GOT TO STOP! Yes…I’m a victim and I say it spells INSECURITY and IMMATURITY all over.
nolawi… you have your moments. this is one of your moments of greatness. great post. the track is the perfect backdrop. as for the topic at hand. real men move in silence. i think women are attracted to knowing that their will be a level of respect and discreetness when they ‘hookup’ especially in a culture as guarded as ours.
one thing i notice is peoples eyes tell a story on their own. sometimes there simply is no reason to talk about what went down. when people look at eachother you can write the story backwards.
Thanks Addam hope you will stay around for a once in a while great posts… aye forgive the sarcasm
gin on the real… its such an honor to have people read my random thoughts of daily life…
Thanks!
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