I noticed him leaning up against the booth as I approached to get into my car. I sensed something was wrong because everyday he would wave goodbye, but today he seems to look directly at me but did not respond to my wave. So I decided to approach him, to make sure all was ok.
His name is Mesfin, an Ethiopian parking attendant. I would park my car there every day and we always made small talk about daily events.
I asked him, "Mesin, menew zare zem alek?" he replied with, "wey alayehushem" so I told him I'm so used to him waving and I was concerned. So on that day I spent almost an hour talking with him and he revealed to me that he needed to send some amount of cash to Addis for his family because his sister was having a Qelebet. I know he works two jobs and he's constantly sending money to his family.
He's the only one from his immediate family in the US. I know he has a lot on his shoulders with that much responsibility. I felt sorry and wished I could do something but offering to contribute to the fund would sound offensive, so I thought.
I remembered when I mentioned to him I was going to Addis a year and a half ago, he asked, almost pleaded, for me to take several thousand dollars to his family. I did, but when I went to their house to hand deliver the funds, I noticed their living standard was pretty decent. His sisters were well groomed and dressed in the latest fashion. I was thinking if that was his money supporting their lifestyle. From his description, I was under the impression they were below poverty.
Mesfin is a good, down to earth, guy as I've learned from my many days of talking with him. He's also very hardworking and hopes someday to return to school to work towards his dream of becoming a mechanical engineer. How does he go about doing that when he's working two full time jobs? Can he tell his family he can no longer send money?
I wonder if the families in Addis have any clue what their children, brother, sister, mother, or father have to sacrifice and suffer thru to make sure they have what they need?
There are many more Mesfin's abroad and wonder where does the responsibility stop? How much of once life has to be sacrificed for the sake of another?
Published by April 11th, 2007 in Advice.
Wow!!!
This is a profoundly touching article! So real. Thank you for sharing celeb! I feel emotional reading it actually!
In this aspect I am soo proud and humbled by my fellow Ethiopians abroad! Bless your hearts for you are truly loyal, dedicated and loving workers! It is sooo true when they say that family love is at its thickest in our community! Of course, this does not describe everybody, but a great number of people are doing a lot for their families back home and that is worthy of nothing less than esteem and admiration!
Yes yes, bg, that is one of the things I like about us. I like the abesha love for family but I see Celeb’s concern too because there is a mentality back home that if you are in Amarika, genzeb yemitafes yimewslachewal. I know they are not to blame 100% for that because some of us abroad intentionally or not give them that impression
I was recently talking to someone who just came back from a visit to Ethiopia and he said one of his relatives came to where he was in Addis and almost begged him for money because his kids are starving etc, etc… he felt really sorry for him and gave him some money. The guy took the money and after a few days invited him to his house. Guess what? it was a big party on which the guy must have spent all of the money that was supposed to be for feeding his kids.
So, there definitely is a need for balance.
Celeb, what a sad story. Its sad to be abroad alone and even sadder when one is expected, like Mesfin is, to take the entire responsibility of taking care of his family back home. The saddest thing in all of this is people like Mesfin nearly always have the guilty conscience in them–the one that says that its never enough what I do for my family and they deserve more. I do agree with your that most families back home have no idea what the person abroad has to go through to make their lives a little easier.
We are an extended family society and we have to live up to it. Of course, we need to send money – we can’t be Tikur ferenje. I hate to see people who want to act like ferenji when they come here.
It is not just the family – we have a country run by aid money – we all know that. People can’t just go out and make money in Hager bet as we do in the West.
So what I think is to know how to optimize how much to send ( in a way that you can live properly here too) and the responsibility of your family at home to use that money properly. I do send money and I am very happy to do that ( I have never felt that as a burden and I never will) and I know how much to send – and the money is properly used out there!
It is not just Ethiopians. One of the reasons for the Asian Economy – a lot of money sent from the Diaspora to their country – you see you are injecting dollars in to the economy.The whole developing world is sending money from the west – if you count how much money we send, we do not send as much as the Somalis or Eritreans do!
So, the question is how to optimize the * amount* you can send with the * need * at home.
In fact, if we had a strong community here, we need to raise money to reach out for people beyond our families – like orphanages and street children.
[quote comment="34919"]
I was recently talking ..guy took the money and after a few days invited him to his house. Guess what? it was a big party on which the guy must have spent all of the money that was supposed to be for feeding his kids.
So, there definitely is a need for balance.[/quote]”
Forgive me, Dinch, but if I were the guy, I would not only confront that fella, and whip his darn black a$#@ but also tell him to never see me again. That is me. trust me i have done it! you can call me whatever you want ..but.. i had had enough!
Some people, think, they play you out, Arada yehonu yemslachewal .. and .. i personally don’t allow a playground to these type of creatures. If you do, their endless knock at your footstep will cause you a nightmare!
So, we need to be able to say NO, NO! when we know it is unrealistic, impractical.
we all have one life to share & live. If there is no mutual thoughtfulness, then, hey ..one chooses his/her next action. And everyone is wired differently. But, I personally don’t have no problem to say NO.. darn it NO!!
I wish Mesfin wakes up soon as well..poor brother!
EJ,
if our relatives don’t have any clue, then who is to blame!? The individual that is doing it, right!
so, if one fails to be realistic with his life and be brute honest with his relatives, then one quietly suffers and may be goes to his grave unhappily too.
Now, i have no problem, with those who religiously enjoy the supporting at the expense of their own life. That is them. be it due to guilt or pleasure, i don’t plunge into their mind-set! Let them enjoy it.
But, those who do the supporting due to guilt, who are at a cross-road, they may need to wake up, and be realistic and be honest with themselves, and with their loved ones.
So, they give us a BREAK from day-in day-out whinning by claiming ..Hezbachen genzeb AyeTegibem.
we, all, used to be one. Had we not been?
so we need to educate, elucidate those who are willing to listen and learn.
The rest ones will never cease requesting anyways and that is when we should say NO!
Because, they have a mind-set that justifies in making you feel guilt-freeless lot.
And oh yeah..they are psycologically advanced too and study where our weakness point is. If we give in to their endlesss demand, then we become their source of resources to their endless AmTa Bakih/sh. .. in fact. i have heard people saying that in Addis last year…
To be direct with brute honesty with loved ones is not a crime. They may get mad but, hey, … Mikerew mikerew embi kale mekera yemkerew …alu Abew ..
Sew ende betu enji ende gorebetu aynorim demo yebalal eko!
Wow. celeblife…thanks for sharing …I think the blame and the fault is not mesfin but ppl who go out to ethio for vacation and send an impression for the locals that we are sleeping and living on a golden road. I do not know how many of you have noticed but there are a lot of Ethiopians who work hard, 2 jobs some times 3 jobs, save money and go to ethio and spend it as if they are rich not wealthy! …stay there for 2-3 month (I do not now how someone with a right mind can take off from their life 2-3 month to have a vacation-actually, I call it a waste not a vacation).
I believe we, ethio society are still backward in a lot of ways…for the so called we live in a well ‘civilized’ nation. We still have a backward mentality. (I bet you those who live in the country side are full of wisdom and have a right mind of judgmental).
At the end what mesfin is doing is right from the impression this family receive by the so called “vacationers”
Excellent topic Celeb,
my thoughts are families are actually crippling people who are sending the money…
people here are also suffering…
gin you were right not to say anything.. its not your place!
Bg, I’m also in support of those who help out their families who are in dire need of help but a limit has to be set for those who are requesting luxury items.
Dinich, I’m not surprised by your friends experience. I would’ve been the kind to openly ask him why the fabricated story?
EJ, Mesfin is so kind he almost feels guilty for living in the US while his family is still in Addis. I try to encourage him to work towards his future goals but he’s not (or his family) ready for the change so all I can do is be a friend and a sound board.
MOC, I totally understand what you’re saying about saying NO. I’m assuming you grew up abroad and if infact that is true it’s easier for those of us who left home at a very young age because we don’t feel the pressure or responsibility as those who left later in life.
Blenmark, Yep the vacationers are partly at fault but at the same time those who send the money are also responsible. You know I believe in never committing to anything I cannot sustain for a long period of time like being financially responsible to another person.
Nolawi, I would never interfere even if he asked me too, that’s definitely not my place to come between him and his family. He’s doing too much suffering I mean he works 24/7 and seems to always be tired. The good thing is at least he can talk about it although he makes it sound like it’s ok but I read between the lines.
Great topic, Celeb. Thank you.
I know many of our countrymen who are in this uncomfortable position. I don’t think any of us would think twice about helping those who ‘need’ a hand. But most find it hard to differentiate between what their relatives ‘need’ vs. ‘want’. In my opinion you ‘need’ something to survive. If you are not asking me money for shelter, food, medicine, then I can’t help you.
The problem stems from this thinking that ‘money falls from a tree in Europe and America’. From what I understand, the hottest topic at social events back home is whose child bought what gift for their parents. What is even sadder is that most of us rather send money to a relative to buy nonsensical items, rather than a dying child on the streets of Addis who is not related to us. I believe some are also sending money to show off and compete with others.
Reality check please.
[quote comment="35006"]Great topic, Celeb. Thank you.
What is even sadder is that most of us rather send money to a relative to buy nonsensical items, rather than a dying child on the streets of Addis who is not related to us. I believe some are also sending money to show off and compete with others.
.[/quote]
Timo great statment..This sums it up for me…have seen it so many times over.
my mother and i always fight about this. im am compeltely against sending money and she thinks she lives for them! and theyre never greatful..they always want more. its really not worth it. if youre struggling i dont mind helping out, but i refuse to be your free ride so you can live large in ET! Mesfin needs to tell his family to get on their feet and support themselves.
oh you know whre the line stops? when youre no longer struggling to survive, but i gotta hurt myself to help you profile…
well I am one of mesfins kind who send money back home to my family. I not only send money to my family but also to others (non-relatives) who need money (u know arogitoch — with no children to support them).
I do this on quartely bases and I am happy doing it.
What else makes one happy than giving
Timo/Selam,
I feel you guys and well said Timo!
Meron I think I agree with you the most. I don’t give unless I know and can see they really need it. I can’t just give and end up with nothing myself.
Chuch, I’m thinking you have family support abroad and you have already or is on your way to accomplishing your goals? Mesfin is the only one in the US from his family and I think it’s unfair to say he doesn’t deserve to live and enjoy his own life but must sacrifice it all to his family. I think your statement only applies to a small percentage and I’m happy that your happy giving. I really am.
I’ve been asked to send a laptop by a distant relative. I didn’t even have one at the time. I replied with out hesitation “if you want a laptop (such an expensive item for your age), you work hard and get it yourself.” Needless to say, I have not heard from her again. I’ve heard of relatives back home sending a letter to their loved one to come home if he doesn’t know how to make money and send it, just like the Johnsons next door:) I am talking about the spoiled ones at the expense of others. Just for once, one need to be selfish and live for themselves. Five years from now, they will be happy that you paid for your school and become somebody. I actually don’t mind the vaccationers, in the sense that they are flowing currency to the country and hence growing the local economy.
when i first came in the unied states i wasshoked to find out how much of habeshas paycheck gets shifted to ET.i never knew ppl would send this much money, while working day and night on their feet. cuz i had family here bro n a dad, but they nevr send us any extra moneyy if u know what i mean,, n my bro probly makes more money than the average habeshas. so i mean i ain’t sending a squat. ”seratachu nuru” is ma ”melse”
Thank you celebratelife for this topic.
Few weeks back I attended a talk by Nasir Al-Amin Ethiopian cultural show at CCNY.
His work focuses on street children and the various issues they face. One of his points was for our generation to do more than the zemed merdat done by our predecessors. More than just investing in individuals, in our own small way we can invest in communities, schools to change the lives of the next generation.
I don’t think I have done justice to his talk but if you want to check him out, here is the website.
http://www.allianceinvestment.org/
~ya
Celeb,
Good topic by the way.
FYI: actually I grew up in the sweet streets of Addis.
I left Addis to Sidet after finishing HS, & a freshman dropout of AAU. So literally, i came to the both darn & blessing Sidet face-to-face as an adult.And the rest is history.
A few points:
All of you (except Dove) have jotted down a very valid point. More so, Timo hit it on the head.
Not every one of us who grew up in that corner of Africa, are attached to the cultural status quo that has bogged down millions.
If one is not a student of life and learn how to be realistic & practical, then, no matter what you do to that person, they won’t not be able to say NO and NO to even extreme exploitation, and manipulation.
Even if you slice their tongue in half and sew a word called “NO, Embi, Nay” ..it evaporates as time falls back to its habit. That is why they say bad habits die hard.
Millions of us in Africa grew up refusing to be giving in to other human fellows dictation on how our life should be, no matter what the consequences.
The few, who controlled the resources, and guns may have destituted us in resources, but, they had no control over our minds. Millions of us have made it and survived and caught up with life’s sweetness, thanks God! And Many braves have not, but their legacy and brave conscious will live on, just as Malcolm X’s does.
Dove:
Doing the right thing willingly to help the helpless is a blessing and is our human obligation. It reflects how we, as human entity carry our human obligation. It sounds that is what Chuchu is doing and bless her for that. Thousands of us are doing it but in a more realistic way. To help them stand on their feet.
What I strongly oppose is exploitation and manipulation in any shape or form.
AGUL ARADENET ! If they fool me once, shame on them, if they fool me twice, shame on me. they say!
Have you heard about parents who point to their neigbor’s (sho have a son in the US) 10′ high stone fence and then to their Kor-Koro fence and say “Eniem America Lij alegn yibalal?”
once this dude told me he stopped calling his relatives back in agerBet, so I asked him why? He said, “every time I call, I feel like I called the bill collectors, they never fail to ask me when I am going to send the money.”
[quote comment="35082"]Have you heard about parents who point to their neigbor’s (sho have a son in the US) 10′ high stone fence and then to their Kor-Koro fence and say “Eniem America Lij alegn yibalal?”[/quote]
… Hahaha ..that is now funny. but ..u’re right …it is real.
Nyalasmoke … those words reminded me the joke ..about the Ethio operator telling the guy from Amerika …min endalsemah Tehonaleh
Now, don’t forget there are amongst us who are irresponsible ..and coming up with all kinda of excuses & justification and lies to justify their excuses about not doing the slightest obligation.
so, the coin has two faces.
[quote comment="35093"]once this dude told me he stopped calling his relatives back in agerBet, so I asked him why? He said, “every time I call, I feel like I called the bill collectors, they never fail to ask me when I am going to send the money.”[/quote]
hahaha…ifoyy..gedelkegn!lol
when you think about it its not totaly their fault, if u send them money evry time they ask, and send them pictures while you’r at the pool or at the mall all dressed up. i mean they gonna think ur living the life, how in hte hell r they gonna know u spend ur days flipin burgers, or scrubin floor or what ever you do.
genn degmoo people in et r sooo fetata i mean they actually scare sum ppl, i know sum ethio’s they lived here foo so long and they wanna go visite but they keep saying i don’t have enoguh many fo every one, which included evryrelative, neighbors, friends etc…..oh well am glad i left at a young age, i don’t give a shi* as long as i got ma plain ticket and sum money to spent there, yemin gorebet minamin…..
You nailed it,
My conclusion after a heartbreaking family situation is that, always support my parents at every need they have. But, never, yes! Never enable my sibling’s ( ehet wondim etc…) habit by carving them to be the ‘next’ beggars.
Unless it is a ‘survival’ issue and unless it is to support an effort, I say I’m out. I love you but, I gotta love me first.
I come first. Even the Bible says “ love your neighbor as yourself” ( meaning you gotta love him/her as you love yourself). Not recognizing my back breaking truck driving job, not understanding my hard earned money, and caring more for my money than for me, doesn’t imply they love me.
When people have a goal/vision to support themselves, and they need my help, that is when I get encouraged to give all the support I can.
dove, you are so right! yemin gorebet minamin!
This really is a great topic and some of the responses are amusing. What struck me the most is how far removed most of us are from reality? I think it is important to remember why most that send money send money in the first place. By in large it is to support and help family that otherwise will have no means to support themselves primarily for lack of opportunity. If the money sent from here is stretched to afford a bit of luxury so what of it? Most of us here have the opportunity to work and earn if we have the desire to do so. Let us not forget this is an opportunity that does not exist back home for most.
I know what some of you are saying about supporting some families back home but at what cost and where is the limit set? I mean Mesfin is working 2 jobs, 16 hours per day, 7 days a week to support his whole family keep up with the Joneses. When does he get to just enjoy life as well? Don’t you think there should be a limit?
I understand if the family had no food to eat or a roof over their head but for his sister’s Qelebet? Even if he had to feed and shelter them there’s also a limit for that – cover only the bare necessities. I think he should’ve said no but that’s not my place to tell him.
What happens when his sister gets married, then has a child, and wants to buy a house or go on vacation?
Great topic!
My fellow DIASPORANS, it is good to help our family and our beloved Mama EtiYopiYa that are in dire need. Just REMITTANCE RESPONSIBLY!!!
I do some remittance sometimes. One day I received a letter from my uncle, asking me to help my cousin for his computer science training at AAU. There was no hesitation on my part. I immediately Western U-ed one grand. I went home for GeNa and my uncle complimented me by saying “HEYIWOTIH YIBAREK, BEREKET AHUN ESU RASUN CHILO EGNANEM EYEREDA NEW”. Helping people stand on their feet is a blessing, but spoiling them is just a curse.
Cheers my fellow diasporans,
celeb you got it right!
i don’t understand kilo’s perspective at all… there are people who have more money than expats..
one student girl went on vacation from US to Ethio ena, her parents who are doing ok gave her some money that she should give to other members in the family… sew min yelale calsetesh aluate… so she gave 5shi birr to different family members… in reality she saved two years to have enough money to buy a ticket back home.. she didn’t even have spend cash… put it on credit card you know…
that is nonesense…
And nonsense it is! We must stop this madness by educating Ethiopians that live in Ethiopia by being honest and truthful about our lifestyle. Specifically, when vacationing in Ethiopia:
1) Don’t stay at Sheraton or Hilton, if you have NEVER even stayed at Motel 6.
2) Don’t sport outfits by Gucci and D&G, if you normally shop at K-Mart or Walmart.
3) Don’t rent a Mercedes to show of, if you actually drive a Pinto.
4) Don’t talk down to your fellow Ethiopians like you get talked down to at your job.
In general, be your self! Try it, you might like it.
Nolawi, That is truly sad. You know when I went to Addis a lot of people wanted to send this and that and I told them I’m not paying for excess luggage charges for their stuff so most of them sent money. You wouldn’t believe how much I ended up with. I will never do that again it was scary at the though of losing the envelope or getting jacked and having to explain what happened. On my next trip no one will know I’m leaving to avoid arguments.
Timo, I’m starting to like you and your comments, especially points 1-4.
kilomamo I agree with you … I know how a very small amount of money can make lots happy.
celebratelife I am all alone here and its giving that keeps me going in this cynical world.
don’t you know that $200 can cover medical bill for a person in government hospitals (including operation)back home and save life. I have been relieving pain of many ppl back home just by paying $200 per person…..
I don’t think helping ppl back home is not a burden.. even if done for life time
I don’t think helping ppl back home is a burden … even if done for life
Celebrate,
I see your point and I am not disagreeing with the concept of giving responsibly. Some of the comments in response to your post made it look like people back home are used to getting money from here and as a result they are spoiled. I suspect a very small percentage of recipients may fit this profile but for the most part I don’t think that is the true.
Nolawi,
I realize there are few folks back home that are very wealthy who can afford to do what you have described on your example but what does that have to do with price of tea in China? It almost sound like the story about the French queen who when told about bread shortage asked why they can not eat cake.
My point is let us not lose site of what made a lot of our folks dependent on remittance. In my opinion it is simply put lack of opportunity.
Very touchin’ Celeb. I agree with people who support sendin money to their relatives/friends in Ethiopia or whoever is in need of financial support, for tha matter.
It’s very unfortunate tha some people back home demand too much from their relatives/friends outside tha it’s become a burden to some. However, if we want to see this excessive demand and burden to stop then we should educate those we are sending money to how we live our life here, so they have a better understandin of how and where the money sent to them is earned. Often times those in Ethiopia have little or no idea how most of us lead our lives and they also seem to be misled by all the rosy and glitterin stuff they hear and see on tv/movies/papers etc. Hence these unnecessary demands.
Let us be open and frank with them while continuin to support those in need. It’s good for our economy as well. If there’s anythin tha rivals international aid is this kinda financial support inflowin to Ethiopia from people like u and I.
Kudos to all doin this already!!
its hard for ppl in ET to get prespective of how ppl live in the states.It is as if that saying money grows on trees. Unless people have the guts to tell their families back home of their situtaion, this endless cycle of running around for two jobs will never give the individual here to actually pursue what they are intending to do..
I think the American based people are to blame for this. because they go to Ethiopia and everyday they are there for two or three weeks they party it up spending in thousands. They get the idea if you spend 2G in four week vacation you can afford to send $500 a months.
The real problem is an ‘image’.
First of all I don’t think I have the ‘REAL’ & ‘TURE’ situation of ppl back home. (Most of the time I was lied to about their situation, and they only tell me/us what ‘they want us to know’). So we are very subjective about our decision to stretch our hands and support.
Hence, if it is survival, then I HAVE TO support! If it is an effort to grow/educate/… etc, I can support ( I was support at some time to get where I’m at)
Otherwise, I’m out….!
Second the image some of us are giving is so distorted, ( here I align with Timo’s comment.)
I remember when I went home to visit, ppl told me about this dude in my neighbor hood who went back home in just 3 yrs of his stay in America.
And I heard that he had chauffer driven car, hired a guard, full of bling bling… and bought a house for him Moma. And they were surprised that I was taking a cab here and there. And didn’t have any bling bling…
I came back and called around few of my friends and asked where this ‘blingy’ guy works, and they told me he is ‘parkiologist’… I said ‘park..’ what?
So, if you choose to bling bling … and spread cash like it is nothing, all power to you. .BUT YOU DISTROYED THE IMAGE THEY HAVE OF THE REST OF US.
For ppl back home to be Objective about our situation, we owe it to them that we should show the ‘real’ us.
Of course there are lots of phonies! Ow well!
parkiologist…loool he is sumkind of genious.
[quote comment="35266"]And nonsense it is! We must stop this madness by educating Ethiopians that live in Ethiopia by being honest and truthful about our lifestyle. Specifically, when vacationing in Ethiopia:
1) Don’t stay at Sheraton or Hilton, if you have NEVER even stayed at Motel 6.
2) Don’t sport outfits by Gucci and D&G, if you normally shop at K-Mart or Walmart.
3) Don’t rent a Mercedes to show of, if you actually drive a Pinto.
4) Don’t talk down to your fellow Ethiopians like you get talked down to at your job.
In general, be your self! Try it, you might like it.[/quote]
GOD Bless YOU TIMO…YOU ARE SPEAKING MY MIND!!!
Oh Guys!!! Celebratelife has produced an important issue that most of us been excercising time to time. As other bloggers I focused on creating awareness in our society about what life is look like in the West. But most of us have been showing them that we are living in a paradize. Huh….the reality is far oppsite what we pretend to our societies back home. Soooooooooooooooo lets be genuine and work together at least to minimize the barden that all we carry on.
When we go home:
- Don’t run to expensive places as soon as you hit the ground
- Buy cloths and other stuffs from local shops and tell them that they have better and plenty of choices in cheap prices
- show them exploring their countries by travelling as much as you can rather taking them in the darkest places
GOD BLESS US!
…i personally know dozens of people who can relate to this story, and i’m sure yo know many more. i don’t know if this is what you call a sad story, but its definitely one worth telling. so i’m glad someone decided to tell it. is having to work two full time jobs a torture? i think not. but working 16 hour shifts everyday so that your family back home can splurge all they want, now thats a damn shame. see the problem is not the long hour shifts this poor brothers and sisters have to go through to make that$$$…what the money is spent on is what makes me sick to my bones. i’m not going to bust my ass out here so that my little sister can go kick it at”City Cafe” or where ever people be chillin’ this days. and you can forget about buying those ridiculously over prised shoes too. the only thing i can say to a brother like Mesfin is, go to school. just remember, they did fine in all those years you lived with em’ another 4,5 years is not going to kill em’…
Ps. yo can tell i’m a new kid in here, all i can say is well done Ethiopia, who knew you had all this interesting characters in you….
We work and send money….we work send more money….work send $$$$ on and on an on like a merry go round!
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