FrendshipPLUS 137 Comments

Scrap the Dating Fan-fair for a Genuine Connection


Dating, Mating, Texting, Sexing, Sexting, Meat marketing…It’s Wednesday night, you’re waiting for the Qonjit you met at that swanky jazz spot on Friday Night to call you back – she seemed into the music but way more into you.. I mean, you were exchanging smoldering looks over that candle while you argued about the origin of jazz and the African roots that seeped in from beats in Blues and Gospel and the Latin beats that also happen to have some African flavor and on and on with the rumble & thump of that jazz bass, low and deep…
On the flip side – in a parallel plane, 2 Saturday nights ago she got stuck with the friend of a friend who seemed to drop interesting insights about the business scene in Addis, ideas that had sunk into her mind as they caused her to pause and reflect, even squint a little bit. But then her friend’s birthday party turned upbeat & as the music came on it wasn’t just his ideas that were sinking into different parts of her; causing her to pause and repel; this time in unpleasant ways. And so it goes — daram paramp pam... the parade of days in Modern day dating. Last month you were fawning over “never gonna call you” and over-analyzing your “Ms/Mr Unavailable,” and in a few weeks you’re the one narrowing your eyes as someone asks you for a dinner as you wonder “will I be leading her/him on if…” .
At best it feels haphazard, at the most comedic it feels like a pre-set skit complete with stage design, costumes, sound effects and bloopers. Modern-day dating and it kinks and tentacles wrapping up your limbs guiding you to act one way or another be it by “The Rules” or according to “The Game” you learned as pearls of wisdom from that “Pick-Up Artist” book…  waiting 3 days to call? Do you have to ‘put out’ on the 5th date? Does he just want to get into your pants? Is she just here to enjoy a free meal? why is it so hard to shrug off that ‘on again/off again’ ex? Is sex gonna complicate your friendship? Did she just downgrade you to the “friend zone”? Is he interested, or collecting ego notches? Why do all the nice girls like the bad boys? Why are all the hot good guys taken or gay? An on and on and on…

Eventually, even this mass of messes is crumbling and it seems less people than ever are actually “dating” in college campuses but still “hook up” a lot (you might wonder – does the real world reflect college?). And there is countless periodic “the state of marriage” media commentary coming out lately. Lamenting:  Is it obsolete? What’s the point anyway? Well let the gays have it since they seem to want it more than straights with those 50% (?) divorce rates… And then the fairytale and romantic comedy myths enter; on cue – princesses, villains, hyper-sexed culture & porn: sex sells, how long has it been since you got laid, booty calls, f**k buddies, friends with benefits, benefits with exes…is your head whirling yet? I present to you some of the slush that swirls around the mind of a young-something modern-day dater.

Swimming in the depth of this, I realized something that hit me amidst my “is there a spark” vs. “he’s such a great guy” battle: in all this hoopla I am totally missing out on getting to know an awesome human being! And that was a big light bulb moment! In the long run, as a dater, the current dating dynamic does not serve my purposes at all! *blinks* *wtf* I absolutely love friendships — I mean the real kind that nourish your spirit and help you as you build your moments and place in the world. A relationship – in my mind – would be an extension of that because all I really want is someone that I’m supremely attracted to & can be intimate with but then can spend a lot of time with & connect with on many other realms; usually the realms for friends. I mean I really gotta like you to wanna date you is what it comes down to. The ironic part is – for the most part – there’s no safe space or way to explore a low key “multifaceted” connection with someone based on who they are as a human because both of us seem to get yanked into some Act 4 Scene 2 of a dating skit and we jump on that carousel of “am I being needy to be texting him 6 times today?” dilemma. I mean seriously?? No really that’s a real question… I have much better things to do than wasting time contemplating the lines in this play especially when I won’t even get to access the human being for who he is vs. the “alpha male” “nice guy” “successful guy” “funny guy” “mr. mysterious” or whatever persona he’s playing to impress! And all this simply cos we got or will get “physical”? While on the flip side I’m wondering if he’s scheming how to get into my pants. *FOH* Excuse me while my jaw drops….  *sigh* I realize some might enjoy all of this fanfare but honestly — life’s ripe for living and I ain’t particularly interested minus in “building a genuine connection” to let it mess up my hair or waste my time! I could completely do without all the fan fare and simply build the connection if I had the choice.

A few conversations with friends got me thinking… I like the unassuming, casual way that friendships form and build without people having to be ‘on guard’ or ‘on point’ or anything else except fully themselves. And that is the reason the authentic friend connections can build in a natural progression. How awesome would it be if you can get to know a person for who they are without the bells and whistles, without the expectations and constraints and “skits” “soundtracks” etc. In the “get to know you” phase, all of these could be fully suspended with 100% focus on getting to know a person with an understanding that you could become friends, acquaintances, lovers, dating etc. This way we’re not in the “put on” business obsessing about “putting out” while tip toeing around what could “put off” the other person …. phew!

I wanna call it prototype FriendshipPlus — a step to be inserted at the beginning of the process when meeting someone. It’s essentially an understanding the connection could go on to be a friendship, acquaintance but even more awesomely — a dating situation. That is, as long as both people are cognizant, honest and open with no expectations. In the best case scenario, the suspension of expectations and constraints would lower guards, create a safe space and allow a human-to-human connection minus all the crazy fanfare flying around in the dating world. Am I crazy to think this would be awesome??

137 Responses to “FrendshipPLUS”


  1. 1 H*

    Kudos on this article tpeace, I loved reading this piece. Mainly because I believe in the FriendshipPlus kinda approach to friendships/relationships. The downside to this is that not everyone believes in this idea. I’m finding majority of people are putting a lot of pressure to put a title on a relationship right away. Personally I think it’s important to allow the time needed to grow as friends without that emotional/physical attachment and if this relationship is mean’t to be evolved into anything more, it will.

  2. 2 Kabebush

    Nice read tpeace
    we all want to associate urselvrs in a realm where we most comfortable hence the hence the need to slap labels on everything..its called being human…

  3. 3 Tg

    I MISS NOLAWI,WHERE R U YENA KONJO? Its cold without u lol..

  4. 4 nolawi

    lol TG
    i will be coming back in march!!

    taking much due sabatical!!

  5. 5 Tg

    Marrrchhh???nol…..
    wat should I be doing then till u return?eehh

  6. 6 mamush

    Betam interesting

  7. 7 fassil

    :-o

  8. 8 tola

    Nice article, but IMHO not a realistic one. Yes, it sounds great, but no relationships and dating someone scenarios usually play out the way described on the article. Strictly written from a women point of view, the idea is emotional and aahm, naive. sorry.
    Agree that a great relationship needs to have a great connection, physically first then mentally. Physical attraction is critical since without it, there really is nothing. Its also the first point of attention…usually.

  9. 9 mamush

    Eeehhh I beg to differ tola
    Physical attraction is not and should not be the basis of any relationshiop be platonic or otherwise..communication is key and I mean open communication where. Both parties air their concerns
    Now,having said that some habesha men tend to ignore wat the females says and Run with other version of what was said…ill leave that alone

    Nolawi how do one contribute an article in here? Can anyone partake in this great blog of yours?

  10. 10 Nightingale

    Tpeace, have we met? It just felt like u wrote my thoughts….. nice one! I like :)

  11. 11 Dorinda Konen

    I prefer this particular web blog very much, Its a true nice place to read and locate details. “The passion for character is actually ease and comfort against failure.Inches by Berthe Morisot.

  12. 12 SARON

    HELLO GUYS
    I am so glad you are back, its been a while since the last post. to be honest its probably been about a year, although i have been busy with my own life, i still had time to check back in to get away from the day to day drama.
    once again another master piece from tpeace. i do enjoy reading your writing alot, and to answer your question, no, you are not crazy, i believe thats exactly how it should be.

  13. 13 SARON

    tpeace when i said thats exactly how it should be i was refering to your last paragraph/ conclusion.

  14. 14 Hi

    There is no such thing as the suspension of expectations. Expectation is either there or not there. It all sounds good on paper but holds no water at all.

    THe kind of friendship you are talking about can be there when there are no expectations. But, then, it is boring. Expectations is what makes it all spicy.

  15. 15 Eat Cake

    This is a good lesson for the guys who chase only habesha women.
    My impression is habesha women want to eat and have their cake too, have only friend arrangement and receive girl friend treatment . Can’t blame them , they don’t know how to pick a guy.

  16. 16 Kanam Jr

    Friendshipplus seems to be the best concept out there as far as the “doomed dating world is concerned. So, yeah, am going to run it pas a few friends and see how it works out.

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