A while ago I was having a conversation about how to have a good conversation. Ironic, I know!
I once had a conversation about the act of saying ‘No.’ The dude was reading a book titled ‘How to say no,’ or a reiteration of it. Apparently, the dude was tired of people making demands of his time.
Seinfeld Ologist would say some of our conversations are about nothing. A conversation about nothing is appealing as long as it’s not elevator talk.
How are you? Fine; how is work? It’s Ok; how was your weekend? good!”
It’s expected that everything is fine, and the person asking the question is not really asking a question rather enhancing the casual ‘hello!’ by elongating it to casual questions. This way he can act as if he is interested in how well you are coping with life.
I would never say that is a conversation, it becomes a conversation if you decide to follow the question about the weekend with details about your weekend.
Sometimes, I would test these casual passerbies with details like being overcharged by the mechanic for my annual tire rotation or being tagged by a traffic camera on my way to work.
See how interested they are? I often see a surprised — why is he telling me all this? — look!
A Good Conversation
While I was in the conversation about ‘good conversational skills,‘ the friend suggested anyone interested in a good conversation with someone specific would need the details of their interests.
I did a quick Googling while I was in the topic and it reiterated my initial thoughts about good conversation.
The consensus, listening is important! Then ask questions, and then ask clarifying questions and then listen.
For those of you that have met me, you know I ask questions — to the point where in our culture is considered rude.
Published by March 12th, 2009 in Advice, Social and Thoughts.
Nol, so how are the ladies treating you now days?
Very good point. Conversation, especially when u are both actively engaged in both listening and speaking is the best proof that u really care about each other…. especially when it is flowing naturally and u dont have to exert any effort.
What I luv about my oldest son is he always can’t seem to get enough of talking to me and mommy. He talks and listens very actively making it easy to bond, teach and guide….
Sometimes I just want to have a conversation about nothing and everthing @ z sametime…Those are z best conversation!!!
I read somewhere that a boring person is someone who actually tells you how they are doing when you ask them “how are you doing?”.
Lol at the Q with the ladies….
No Comments… anonx
So Nol, what does the two cups of coffee meant to signify: that the two individuals are having a great conversation (too engrossed with their conversation to drink them) or they have become pretty bored with each other and left too soon to enjoy their coffee?… or both?
I still can’t figure out this chit chat thing, especially in our culture its a refined art, and i’m totally inept. Usually i can’t do small talk, im more into the conversation that goes in depth while most of the time we only have time to shoot the breeze.
Bezzie Bez for those who would tell you their life stories when simply asked how’re you doing? try a brief and brusque “all right?”, it encourages back nothing else but uhhmm or yaaa’s, if they persist they probably need to off load something off their chests into yours/ head/ shoulders, take your pick lol, if you cant escape it you’ve had it…some of the stuff you get offloaded to might leave you bemused also, mainly coz you didnt wanna know in the first place but now you do, and still you dont know what to say in reply or how to escape it, staring at your feet for salvation doesnt count lol, even the short and and sharp all right doesnt work lol…
well, nols, my good or enjoyable conversations are while i am having a coffee or a glass of wine.
Sometimes we tend to do a small conversation just so they dont think you are a stuck-up or something. You wanna chit chat just to make your way in or out. Give me some METET then I will give you a conversation to last you a year
Hope I am not too late for this one…
I second “datdude”, hate small talk and absolutely dread doing it. I know its necessary otherwise we won’t have time for anything else. But…for a good conversation both parties have to learn to be charitable…meaning, if I am telling you about something, please do not interrupt me to get into your story. Let me finish, give me feedback and wait until I complete my thought before we move on to you. And if what I am telling you does not interest you, pretend that was the most enlightening thing you’ve ever heard. Because chances are not ALL of what you have to say is Noble Prize Winner material either…Oh, my, don’t get me started…cause I have toooooo much to say on this one:)
P.S “You” as in (some people in general)
my Conversations was with a glasse of wine?
I might be sidetracking a little but I’m really curious to know. As key as it is to have a “good conversation” with a female/male of your interest. Why does it seem that when your on the phone with that someone, the convo is great and doesn’t even allow any time for silence. (Mind you, it’s established that we like eachother) But when you go out with this person to whatever social event, they’re the most anti social person to you. To where they just answer your questions only as if your interviewing them. What’s the problem here? If you can point it out with the little details I gave I really would like to know.
halenya new…
i think it’s that there’s an expectation built up from the great phone convos that they might be nervous about fulfilling or whtever…kinda makes dating awkward but it cud also be cos the person likes u and wants to leave a good impression so they’re nervous… ease of communication shud get better with time…
Thanks tpeace.
What you commented made sense and put a grin on my face, because that’s exactly what I was thinking to myself. The expectation wasn’t meet at all so I just jumped to the decision that it’s not going to work. I’m a strong believer in good communication and respect at the same time. I felt that none of that was there, so it just bothered me to where I had to put it on text. If anyone else wants to add on please do also.
If the infamous Mr. Nolawi could entertain my question also, I’d really appreciate it.
I am not a pychologist like the great tpeace, but they say something like 70-80% in-person communication is body language. What’s the body language saying? More beer? or not the-take-home-after-first-date person?
haylenya…
why not take it easy if u think there’s something really there with that person — see where it goes…what’s the rush? if u think the person’s nervous, try to make them comfortable, make fun of things or urself – talk bout topics that u’ve talked about before…hang out with the other person’s friends or go to activities rather than sitting across each other @ a restaurant and having a stareoff minamin…
and anonx thanks for dubbing me with an expertise i dont qualify for
lol
That’s some dope advice. Your right, there’s no need to rush anything especially if the person seems worth it. Again, I say good stuff tpeace. Anonx I’m lost with what your implying?
oops the picture the picture is so tempting i have to go out right now to get buy some i cannot read the post!!!! mabye after i drink some
To continue on Anonx thought, I too think its all because of the body language issue. But this is what I mean. I also wondered many times why I could have a long, deep, entertaining conversation over the phone but a dry one in person. Whether your convo partner is a male or female, in-person conversation with an acquaintance is difficult. There are so many body language distractions. On the phone you could be scratching your ass while holding an intelligent conversation, but in person you have to present yourself in a mannered way, look good, make sure you don’t have anything in your teeth…so much pressure, you can’t even think straight. Besides, you constantly observe how what you say comes across, if the person looks bored and looks at their watch, for example, you feel discouraged to continue…etc. This is normal until you feel comfortable enough with the person that as they say “you can eat in silence and its not awkward”.
HW–not implying just general everday observation
this conversation is interesting. Sak’ita and tpeace i do agree with what you are saying, but what about being your self. just presenting your self with no prep. ofcourse you have to dress up to the occasion , do your hair and all. but i don’t like it when people are just so carefull of what they do or what they say for they’d be judged.the way i see it, if that person happens to like you good, if not then even better , cuz i don’t want to spend my time to try to figure out the person.
anonx, “70-80% in-person communication is body language”
i never knew it was that much, thanks for the insight.
Saron–you’re fast running out of single digits… you noticed? Sarona doesn’t sound bad
Its hard to find self. Being yourself as the Chinese might have said is ‘a journey of many steps.’ Even then either confess your ‘sins’(hell no!) or better have many selfs for different occasion or people.
“Saron–you’re fast running out of single digits… you noticed? Sarona doesn’t sound bad”
Anonx, i don’t follow
dihri 6 worhi b’amet kitqosrla ‘leki. The ‘a’ is for annual
anonx, good idea, but kisab amet etgebr i don’t think i wanna change it, gin dihiri hade amet sarona1 kikiyera eye.is that ok?
btw i like sarona, and now that we are talking about names my other brother is having a girl and i am yet going to be an aunt( very excited about this). so spill your guts out, go crazy….name the names.
i agree with anonx… also typical ethiopian culture isn’t very ego-centric …it runs on communal identities… you’re who ur clique/community/group says you are and to outsiders you’re part of that clique. identifying ‘self’ isn’t such a pressing issue for the culture, i guess… *shrug* jmho not saying that’s not as good as western culture btw – just diff. diff cultures serve diff purposes cos they developed to solve diff issues.
i remember first coming to the US and being surprised how much i was expected to have opinions of my very own and how i was asked for decisions rather than being dictated to.seriously i went to the school psychologist cos i was soo confused about my majors and we ended up talking bout how i can’t even make up my mind about what food to eat at the cafe so i took a little bit of everything LOLOL…thankfully i didn’t inflate too badly that i got overweight. haha sorry having too much fun here – back on topic.
ye so…different people are different …
– redundant much?
also it’d be assumptive to say any person who’s nervous has a hard time being themselves — they might just wanna make a good impression so much that they’re self-conscious- no biggie… try less intimate and more activity-focused dates…
tpeace
to your ending comment, makes sooo much sense. One other thing. I don’t know about all, but to me respect is the biggest deal to me. So when your attracted to someone so much it bothers you when they do the smallest things such as, not making eye contact when shaking your hand, answer questions with out making eye contact. Maybe I’m just overreacting due to the immense attraction or is it really just a disrespectful being? She says that it’s cause she’s shy but I can’t seem to buy it!
Saron-Congrad on your auntie status once again. As for the naming, baliga gerkini, I like non-biblical other than these already in circulation. In no particular order the names I like:
Meskerem
Meseret
Azmara
Azamit
Sesen
Lealana
Nahir
Lulia
Sefora
*Aselet*
*Semira*
Selam
Selamawit
anonx, very cool, nice.
hmmm, ok lets see, i am pretty sure the parents have allready navigated the bible, however, if i say that she is mine to name, i am very sure that i will be the first to baptize her with a name. so, so far, i like some of the names from your list.
i like, meseret,lulia,semira though too commen.
i love , love the name sesen. very cool.
selam/selamawit we aready have a sister with that.
what about sefora? sounds nice, but what does it mean?
btw, ya, baliga endihir delika kea ane wahiska, no questions asked, since i am my brother favorate sister, anything i say ,done. its yours.
Conversation is about being adaptable to the conversational situation and being considerate about what the other person has to say. It’s being not judgemental (and if you are, not voice it right there and then) and going with the flow. It’s about constantly trying to find the point of intersection between what the other preson is saying and how it relates to you and moving in the direction of that point of infliction, what ever it may/or may not be…
saron…
Sefora, least favoret, means bird–org. hebrew. Not like Aselet? I do. Should have said Leala instead of Lealana. Sesen may be the most common now in the community. I agree Semira is a winner(the reminder was a famous children song: semira semira guale’smera, gezana asato nabey zera… hhehehehe)
anonx
very funny.
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