There is a sense of belongingness between certain groups; a generality that nobody could deny… the attraction of similar matters in a commune.
At work it’s with your department or sub department, in life it’s with ones family or friends or acquaintances.
Belongingness is a food chain of sort that starts with being human and breaks down into millions of networks. There is your college network, your city network, you kindergarten network, you gym network, etc.
People within these networks gravitate to each other in different levels. For example in the US some of us work in an environment dominated with Caucasians. If there is another black male somewhere in the building and he happens to pass by me, he will say hello, nod, or acknowledge in one form or another.
The further away we are from one of our core networks; the gravity of attraction is higher. Last year a fellow Ethiopian networkee acquaintance of mine moved to the suburbs of Seoul (S. Koreo) to be an English teacher. After a few weeks she happened to go to a local bar in the area where she was living at and she saw another networkee.
She claimed that she ran to him and hugged him and said
beqa Ethiopiawi Yelele’bet bota yelem, aydel?”
Nice nice, I could relate to what she was talking about. Just like when I ran into an Abesha waitress in the boonies somewhere Missouri some 6 years ago. I’m lying, she was a mud wrestler in a semi strip bar. Nonetheless I related and was excited.
People are products of their environments
Another generality which is somewhat undeniable. Our childhood casts us & our experiences shape us. In the end our chief network is the one that comes from the most our childhood. And thus we migrate to those that are like us.
The Apex consists of our humanity; our race, our orgin, our gender, and so on and so on. We are human, we are black, we are afirican, we are immigrants, and so on and so on.
Simultaneously there are other networks that overlap those networks and merge into other networks. Musicians relate to other musicians, Computer techies with nerds and Mothers with mothers. You get the jist, all human bonds can be correlated to or within some sort of overlapping networks.
I know an Ethiopian Filmmaker in LA that hangs out in Hollywood. The fact that he is a filmmaker is an important aspect of his life and accordingly shapes his social interactions.
All of us are members of dozens of networks concurrently and taxonomy that is most important to us we reinforce. For some it’s their family and for some it’s their classmates from their private schools in Addis, for others it’s their love for music, or alcohol or their profession, and so on.
The fact you are reading this article attests to your interest in the Ethiopian expats network.
Over the last couple of years, I have met a lot of young Ethiopian women, because you know I am interested in them; maybe because I am in the age where I am looking for the one. Maybe I am looking for someone whose networks overlap many of my networks.
Whois Network?
The questions; do my friends have to be in the Ethiopian? Do we all have to marry in the Ethiopian network? Can it be the Abesha network or the black network or a liberal network or an immigrant’s network?
In my opinion, we gravitate to those that are like us. White people are friends with other white people, black people marry black people. Musicians socialize with other musicians. Ethiopians gravitate with and to Ethiopians.
More questions; should we stay within our network? Should expand our horizons? Should we date white people? Should we go to any church?
Well, I think there is a thin line; ‘an open-mind and stupid are in the same direction.’ Do I force myself to socialize with white conservative religious republicans just because I want to be open-minded? No
Do I occasionally go out with my coworkers? Sure I do!
Do I date Asians just because ideally race shouldn’t matter? No
For me personally, I judge a person ability to relate to me based on the core networks that are most important to me. Yes, an Ethiopian, an African, an artist, a music lover, a liberal, a black person, an immigrant, a democrat, most of all a realist and an optimist.
Should a persons disinterest for interaction with non-ethiopians be looked are the lack of ability to venture out to different markets? Definitely not, its a preference, a choice of networks.
Should we mingle or date or marry outside the Ethiopian network? Sure we could, its just you would want the person to have a genuine interest in who you are, and where you come from. A white person can possibly understand what it means to be black, the question is can he/she feel it… I don’t think so.. I feel the same applies for an immigrant, an African, and most of all an Ethiopian.
Be ideal! Try not to judge a person by there color of their skin or by their orgin, ye sidamo lij can be as cool as or cooler than ye’bole lij!
But be real! People from the same networks just understand each other better!
Published by June 11th, 2007 in Childhood and Social.
I completely agree with you Nolawi.
I have no problem with people dating or marrying white/black or what ever but for me personally, I don’t want to add extra challenge to my marriage by introducing another variable and complicate things. I have dated white and black back in college and I preferred to stick with my home girls because that worked better for me.In our language there is this saying, it goes like this “sew kemeselu gar yewelale”
Nice intriguing article.
while I like to comment -taking my time extensively, my Q:
”
She claimed that she ran to him and hugged him and said
beqa Ethiopiawi Yelele’bet bota yelem, aydel?”
my Questions:
Would she, the same individual, have done it in the same fashion with split second of sighting one’s own if she had been in the U.S. or Ethiopia? Would she? … would she have been blanketed by the “I, me, myself” attitude that have blanketed -every one of us immigrants- in the blessed land of our favorites.
Please ask her for me?
To me this, is a reflection of what we are (have been there)as to why we the arrogant humans suddenly turn to become angel, humble, and acknoweledge and recognize
-that we need eachother
-the most basic factor: the “me Vs. others” ?
at a place that we are faced with no comfort zone to be WusheQ, where our physical presence is so forced to be detached with our inner soul and creates a deep/wide void inside of us that force us to swing in a state-of-imaginery pendulum left-to-right ..that is when arrogance evaporates and warmthness kicks in.
“Meron” kept tried to explain, on her “God Bless America” unsuccessfully, to those who have not been on the other side, by saying the eyes that stared me with disdain (not curiosity), the minds that scaned me with such abject NEQET, made me feel as though they stripped me off my Human dignity, as a balck person, as an African.
In that type of atmosphere, Every second of it is like being in the wide Sahra Desert with no koda of water.
That is when we behave humbly towards eachother. That is when we grasp the core value and true meaning of those tools called rationale and reason. That is when we cherish eachother, as one entity, oneness at the ugliest taste of our being as dignified humans, regardless of our background (resource rich Vs. resource poor).
on a different level:
Celebratelife: Thank You! Thank You! just saw your comment for me on the other one. I enjoy having you as my lone fan.
Just so you know I enjoy your comments as well.
-Cheers.
NOlawi, your article was so interesting but, at the end you said…
Be ideal! Try not to judge a person by there color of their skin or by their orgin, ye sidamo lij can be as cool as or cooler than ye’bole lij!
I wouldn’t say that if I were you…..Ye sindamo lij might have a problem with it……just say yegeter lij…
What I like about Nolawi!
He is a creative and interesting Abesha man, we have a lack of those in our community. Not only that but he provides great topics and products to the community. He is also funny and handsome
What I hate about Nolawi!
he always writes Ethiopian instead of Abesha, doesn’t he know that his topics and products include both Ethiopian and Eritrean people… the network is not just Ethiopian… Some of the fans of bernos are Eritrean and we should be recognized for our support.
cece,
I think a reasonable yesidamo lij should understand that people have a tendency to percieive that bole is more cool than sidamo. But, here, Nol is trying to despel that perception. So, if anything, yesidamo lij should be happy.
Of course people can be extra sensitive and take offense on everything but if I were yesidamo lij, I would be happy about the point being made.
Nol, you are right, you relate more with those you have a lot of things in common with which is why people gravitate towards those that ‘look like them’ or act the wway they do, however i disagree on this part betaam
That being said…Mind w/out C- betaam rejim comment aydel??
Dinich, I understand where you are coming from but to be in the safe side and to convey the message clearly without offending some sensitive ppl…It’s best not to be that specific was my point. U never know these days
cece you missed the whole point, the point was to say.. that anyone could be cool… regardless of where they come from…
Admirer,
On the same token, not everyone who reads/writes in the blog/bernos is not abesha neither.
My 2 Cents.
Great article; there is this phrase that may be fitting “like dissolves like“. Those of you who took Chemistry may remember it.
Admirer; I do not think he is diminishing the contribution of Eritrean to the bog; he may be gravitating towards what he knows best. To my knowledge we do not know who-is-from where here.
Interesting…and true!
Cece, I agree with Dinich, if anything, Nol is dismissing the notion that people from certain regions are better than others. Also, unless taken out of context, it’s clear how he is using ‘Sidamo lij’ here. Even the word you chose, “yegeter lij”, can be offensive eko lezih lezihma.
Admirer, errrr, I think NOT (about Nol always using “Ethiopian”). I have noticed many articles where he used ‘abesha’ where he could have used Ethiopian. I know for a fact that he acknowledges the support of Eritreans, hence the policy behind ‘no politics in Bernos’. And if you think of it with positive mind-set, he duly used “Ethiopian” here since he cannot really say much about Eritreans’ perception of people from different region in Eritrea…..am sure he wouldn’t know if there’s an old perception in Eritrea of a person coming from arbAate Asmara being cooler or less from that coming from adi kuala etc. So, chill….one thing I know for sure, he ain’t into discriminating minamin. BTW, even abesha doesn’t include the many supporters of Bernos who are from Oromia….so….
Wudinesh,
Who’s from Oromia?
L-jones..i am…
sometimes i wonder if this presumed “understanding” is what makes some relations among Ethiopians outside of Ethiopia so difficult to comprehend. For instance everywhere you go, including bernos
, you keep hearing habesha setoch indih nachew, wondoch indih yaregalu. battle of the genders. The non-habesh are assumed to be whatever their habesh counterparts are not. Charasteristics attributed to habesh are so specific that it leaves actions and behaviour of people from other cultures open to any interpretation.
Then naturally if you were to look at somebody from another culture you’ll look more at the person/personality. The person may be a puzzle but you take very few things for granted. If you were to look at a habesha, then the person would automatically be subject to your cultural expectations … making them an extension to your personality.
To me this seems a somewhat unfair when, clearly, either or both people’s perspectives may have been significantly altered due different but pervasive non-habesha experiences. (eh, not to imply people who stay in their home countries are all the same – I’m just saying that it adds another dimension) Anyway, it’s kind of … a pretext for communication breakdown.
At least as i see it ..
Wow Tobian,I too had a problem with that statement.
Wudinesh….
Wonderful, didn’t know.
ok tobian, maybe you are reading too much into the statement as though it applies to the Ethiopian network only…
a network is a group ethiopian or not….. as I have explained in my post…
also notice I said networks with an s ..
for example, a young black female lawyer is likely to relate to another young black female lawyer… its not always true… but generally is, as women are more likely to understand another woman as opposed to men… a lawyer is likely to have a better understanding of the legal system compared to an engineer…
i could go on but i think u get the jist
Nolawi – This is a typical social constructionist point of view. Typification yibalal
this is a very disturbing statement nolawi. care to explain?
me again, that is so interesting… a long time ago during the college days.. my professor recommended i read…
The Social Construction of Reality
and I checked it out from the library but never read it… sounds like a good book.. and I ve just ordered it am gonna read.. I familiar with the social constructionist.. but never heard of typfication…
Beshou not disturbing at all
here is a drawing… if closed minded and open-minded are in the opposite ends of the spectrum… then stupid is in the same direction as open-minded… its just an extreme version of idealism…
Nolawi, how so? your illustration above doesn’t prove anything in my opinion. stupidity could fall anywhere on the spectrum. in fact I would think that if someone deliberately holds on to his/her close-mindedness, even when presented with opportunities to learn more about things outside of self would make that person stupid. but what does stupid mean anyway? I think in my case i’m talking more about ignorance.
I agree S. The illustration doesn’t make sense to me either. Stupidity could fall anywhere. Neutrality when facing extremism on either end could be considered stupid, in my opinion.
Other than that, your article makes sense. Like does attract like, as bed_ford mentioned above.
what? nolawi, that’s a illustration you made up. how can stupidity and open mindness be on the same end of the spectrum? open mindness often implies positive things, an eargerness to learn/do new things. i.e. children are open minded/innoncent…therefore, according to your statement children are stupid. does that make sense? or every open minded person you’ve ever come across is stupid maletih new?
heweye ..sorry …was it really? esti YiQertawen.
imo, a great place like in “BERNOS” should be protected by all of us those who seek for some solace from the bickering of politics of Eritrea/Ethiopia or attaching things to some sort of eritrean, ethiopian, Oromia thing. That will be dangerous. emotions might spoil Bernos’s dynamism.
We’ve had enough of politics. The absolutists, politicians have caused us immeasureable damage. enough is enough.
Wudishye:
Hmmm… with your comment on arbaAte Asmara and Adi Kuala..hmmm..it sounds you have pretty good knowledge of them. But, you made LoveJones’s day… by saying …
Tobian: definitely!. forget about another culture. Even within the same:
from within the same neighborhood, what does -a resource poor kid have in common with a resource rich kid-? wouldn’t
their life path, experiences and resources play a detrimental role to the way it shapes, molds, and nurtures their passion and compassion about life. wouldn’t they?
So to bundle yours & Nolawi’s positively:
forcing my soul to plunge into things that earn me a temp satisfaction is like: “lam balWalebet kubet LeQema!”
Sooner or later, life’s reality may wake me up as in Berry’s friend: I admire that invisible friend of Berry. enjoy reading:
http://www.seleda.com/apr04/parallel.shtml
guys… its actually very simple… what I was trying to say when i said
is that when you are extremely open-minded… its stupid…
the drawing was not an illustration of what stupid is or how it should be perceived in the spectrum of the level of mindedness.. but an illustration to show what I meant when I said stupidity does fall in the same direction as openmindedness… which in layman’s terms means… anything extreme is stupid….
really if you read in the contexts of the article.. it makes perfect sense
As far as I’m concerned, a person’s “coolness” is completely independent of the place the person is from. To me, this understanding is pretty basic.
Oh my God!!! on average, yebole lij is cool for the simple fact that they’re from bole???
And I’ll stop at that since I cant write much more
So much has been said..so I’ll add a few of my limited cents…
Nolawi, stupid according to Webster is 1) slow in mind 2) unintelligent decisions or acts…well, correct if I’m wrong but I’ve always thought Open-minded also included ppl who can weigh to many angles before they take a stand…I’d think infact, that is a smart way of doing it, which funny enough, is opposite to stupid…what do you think?
and as for the Abesha/Ethiopian wording discussion…this is for everyone…”Ethiopian” doesn’t include Eritreans, Abesha includes Eitreans and some of the Ethiopians BUT not anyone of the southern region…selezih, min yishalal? what term should we use to please everyone and to be Politically correct?
[quote comment="50000"]So much has been said..so I’ll add a few of my limited cents…
Nolawi, stupid according to Webster is 1) slow in mind 2) unintelligent decisions or acts…well, correct me if I’m wrong but I’ve always thought Open-minded also included qualities of ppl who can weigh many angles before they take a stand…I’d think infact, that is a smart way of doing it, which funny enough, is opposite to stupid…what do you think?
and as for the Abesha/Ethiopian wording discussion…this is for everyone…”Ethiopian” doesn’t include Eritreans, “Abesha” includes Eritreans and some of the Ethiopians BUT not anyone of the southern region…selezih, min yishalal? what term should be used to please everyone and to be Politically correct?[/quote]
I agree with most of your article but I think falling in love trumps all the above networks. In my opinion by limiting your dating to your core group you are potentially depriving your self the king of networks which I think is “the love” network.
Interesting read indeed.
btw people, hope you recall the saying…”Being open-minded about your irrational beliefs does not make them any less irrational.”
‘stupid people’ are like open minded children and that ‘smart people’ are closed-minded scientism worshippers’ thus nolawi’s mind-boggling spectrum. I tend to agree with it somehow. I think it caries a lot of the truth. Once open-minded people become indoctrinated in their beliefs, they turn stupid. no?
oh, where are my manners…..about the article…..
Networking…..rocks! *ahem*
Can I be blunt at the risk of misrepresenting BB. BB is by Ethiopians for, primarily, Ethiopians and secondly all the rest. Stop bitching….
I would like to make it clear regarding the comment made by Injera (post 32) do not reflect the views and objectives of bernos.
Admirer (second part, post 4) and Injera Bernos team actually consists of both Ethiopian and Eritrean who are always inspired to write about thought provoking and inspiring ideas based on our personal dynamic life experience. So this article was not intended to insult anyone in that Nolawi was writing about his experience the way he views it and by saying Ethiopian was a way for him not to generalize.
So let’s focus on the main ideas of the article rather on minor details like he said Ethiopian instead of abesha.
But Dawit, if you guys are both Eritrean and Ethiopian then how come all aspects of bernos do not show that, I understand that Nolawi is just writing about Ethiopian and that is fair, but why does the about page not say anything about Eritrean.
I think its a fair question and one that needs to be answered.
Admirer, forgive me but I don’t see where you are going with this. So, they said “Ethiopian theme” on the ‘about us’ section….so what? And that section is obviously about them..not their customers………do you have a problem with the Bernos Team being mostly Ethiopian? because it is! there are many of us Eritreans at Bernos who are confused about your intentions (maybe you could make it clearer?) negram dimu g/mariam shimu ilom aboy kisto! leave the Bernos team alone…they are doing their best to accommodate everyone. As for you, you can’t even bring yourself to say “he is an interesting Ethiopian man!(you’d rather say abesha man….ihi, Nol Ethiopian mikuanu asekifuki diyu?)
)…my guess is that u have a problem even using the word Ethiopian…..so, forget making it an Eritrean issue hon…there are so many of us proud Eritreans who love our Ethiopian bros and sis….so, walk it alone…give up making it an Eritrean/Ethiopian issue…..it isn’t!
nefse nesh wude !
Thanks guys for trying to clarify.. those who did… there is a simple answer, and it is Bernos Tshirts are marketed towards Ethiopians, as any business can target to any market be it Ethiopian African south Kenya or just Johannesburg…
second the people in the Bernos Team are happen to be Ethiopian and Eritreans, but they could as well have been Ethiopian, Kenyans, Finnish targeting Ghanian’s… as any business can target any niche market
Third, Nolawi can write any article on any group of people as I have done about Ethiopians, I also have written about african americans, about immigrants, about white people, basically who I choose and what I choose. Does it mean I am excluding somebody, sure if I write about woman I exclude men, and that makes perfect sense to do so.
simple matter gone big because we are being too nice to admirer who posted stuff that is irrelevant.
Thank you very much
Wudeneshhhh … RIGHT ON!!! am with you!
BERNOS should NOT be the absolutist, extremist platform from both Ethiopia and Eritrea to play their dirty game. “Admirer” you need to go somewhere else for that sort of items.
I, an Addis kid born from Eritrean parents,carrying both bloods HAVE no illusion or attachement to the bravado of this type of ‘primitive mind-set’ Eri/Ethiopianism as well. I would think wise people only use it to just identify oneself. both absolutists bravadoness caused millions death, destruction, ..what not!
Give us some solace here. This is our corner to come to learn, laugh, educate and elucidate.
Stay outta of that topic!
Reading and Re-reading the topic, the writer has done a great job.
The core base of the topic:
-Networking and its branchess (in many related forms).
However, many of us are picking only some items outta of it and curveing our discusion on that which is leaving the main topic untouched in its virginity.
imo, the topic needs to be seen as a whole and so the discussion covers the topic’s entirety.
-cheers.!
Well, not to be afraid of such discussion and the direction it could be heading…..
I believe admirer posed an honest and legitimate question that needed a bit of explanation from where he stands….(true in all customer based business entities), and DawitK has answered his questions not only respectfully but also professionally. And so did Nolawi. Business gets conducted this way…..
But the rest of you are (whether intentionally or unintentionally) are helping to make worst of the issue. This was a question directly to the Bernos team and not to the entire bloggers. I would have refrained from answering a question that isn’t directed at me. Just a suggestion to the general bloggers…..
“don’t speak of what you do not know, respect the business and let the business owners respond accordingly”. Just a friendly advice.
ishi ato chiloye….:P
and where did we say anything that we didn’t know ? I don’t think we tried to speak on behalf of the business owners?…we just said what we felt about the issue raised by the person. Anyway, we should discuss the article instead of paying too much attention to this….so……
Nolawi, Really nice.
I can tell you it just so happens my Abesha friends are made up of those who grew up abroad. We didn’t choose it that way but we just found more common ground to stand on, when we met, and was happy to know that we can relate to not knowing certain things or not having good memory of childhood in Addis. I relate to all Ethiopians but these just happen to be my friends.
Admirer, you’re not very admired at this point as you have made the most ignorant comments. Yes I said ignorant. I am an Ethiopian and my best friend is an Eritrean who grew up in Addis and if I may say so on her behalf she loves Bernos because it brings back memories of her childhood. She identifies herself as and Eritrean who grew up in Ethiopia and yes she is proud to do so. I will wait for her to speak up!
So if you’re looking to pick a fight find your battles on the right grounds but don’t start an Eritrean/Ethiopian argument just for the hell of it.
OK, can we all please stick to the topic?1? all of you who know us personally or through bernos know of our intensions and their genuine motives. with that said lets end this ethio/eritrean discussion and please stay on topic of the article. let it end here !!!
now nolawi, i have been debating this. i wanted to know where i stood before i made a comment. But I have some questions. sure having a preference to your network is justified, but how are you selecting these networks? i completely agree marrying one with your background is beneficial as marrying one with your moral standards would be. but i wonder what happens if im an adopted ethiopian who grew up in alaska? then should i seek out my ethiopian community or those i grew up with are now my network?
Meron,
I wish their mothers have raised those adoptees to be well rounded enough that they choose their life partners with their heart and not because of the status quo. Diversity is not a bad thing. They have already embraced two cultures growing up so what is more? Like Kilo Mammo said “LOVE” transcendes(sp?) all barriers. My “Amist santim”.
wow at love transcends boundaries… how far can you take that? there are things like unreasonable yehonu negeroch… for example a traditional eastern man would expect certain things from the woman, a liberal feminist would never accept being barefoot and pregnant…
yes, love transcends, it give you patience and understanding etc… but there is limit to how far you transcend….
I suppose anna nicole smith trully loved that old man.. 86 year old azawunt and 26 yr old playmate transcended their boundaries… please give me a break with this bullshit…
[quote comment="50272"]wow at love transcends boundaries… how far can you take that? there are things like unreasonable yehonu negeroch… for example a traditional eastern man would expect certain things from the woman, a liberal feminist would never accept being barefoot and pregnant…
yes, love transcends, it give you patience and understanding etc… but there is limit to how far you transcend….
I suppose anna nicole smith trully loved that old man.. 86 year old azawunt and 26 yr old playmate transcended their boundaries… please give me a break with this bullshit…[/quote]
On this topic .. I sync’ed up with your thoughts to close to 100% ! … if sincerity to win over hypocrazzzzzy … then, as you said it is about … THE can you feel me! thing:
Girl, bro, sis, Dad, mom, friend, stranger can you feel me?
When I willingly listen to tortureous Amharic musics (for instance olddie Aster’s) I do Not wanna be with anyonelse but Addis Girl [the original i.e.
]. it is about … Do YOU FEEL WHAT I FEEL, and so do I!? synching the FEEL!
Good analysis you did!
yah, MOC and Nolawi agree… this goes for a celebration…
how about martinis after work….
HahHa … Not so fast!
Martiniwan Gin …awo..tesmamichalew… ATemat eski Bakih…
Wow, Nolawi… I am sorry you feel this way and that you don’t see my point. Looks like you haven’t been in love. Or your values are limited. I thought you said you were liberal? sync away then and good luck.
“But be real! People from the same networks just understand each other better!”
I guess we have to agree to disagree on this one. Since my husband is Abesha, I suppose I’m already predisposed to have bias but I think that I relate to him in a profund way that has nothing to do with where he’s from.
I love and respect his culture as if it were my own but I am not Ethiopian nor do I try and pretend to be. I shudder to think what life could have been like if my in-laws held tight to the belief that my husband would be better suited to someone “more like him”.
I read and enjoy this blog, I support Bernos monetarily and by telling people about it, and although I can’t identify with everything discussed here, that doesn’t make it not relatable or applicable to a situation in my own life.
C, but you do agree because you relate tohim in an african way, like I said there are many different networks…
Also the opinions of the article are not representative of the bernos.. they are coheartedly independent..
I hope my somewhat extreme opinions do not turn you off… thank
Well, I suppose I could say that I relate to him in an African way – although beyond the color of smy skin, I am decidedly American.
I get what you’re saying about the networks and all but I guess what I’m ultimately saying is that isn’t the human network slightly bigger than the network of people who look like us?
I got your legalese
. Honestly, I’m not turned off by the things you write – I think it’s atually a good conversation to have. Perhaps I come off as defensive because of my own situation and because I think if you think this way – might you be representative of other Abesha who feel exactly the way you do? And if so, that makes me kind of sad because although I haven’t mastered (okay: progressed beyond a 1st grade level) Amharic, I try to imbibe all of the culture that I can in the most respectful way that I can.
My bottom line has always been the same really – that just because one is not born into a culture, doesn’t mean that they can’t be a part of it and if given the opportunity to show these things – I think lots of people (not only Abesha) would be surprised.
“although beyond the color of smy skin, I am decidedly American.”
I thought I would clear this up and say – that this does not mean that I don’t identify with the African experience at all or see myself as being non-African.
C,My opinions are not representative of the abesha opinions… Abeshoch never agree on anything so they have many different perspectives.. I suppose as any culture…
also C, the fact you read this blog and are interested in the culture just attests to your interest about Ethiopians..
so that is what I was saying… if your husband was a jazz musician you would know a thing or two about jazz… etc…
and if this happens in both side.. vice versa its actually a very healthy and normal relationship… which was want Yemi was trying to explain to me when I first wrote the article about inter-cultural relationships.
I think this about sums our whole back and forth up nicely, it’s always a pleasure to disagree with you Nolawi
Oh, by the way, I am a software engineer. The kind you want for your e-commerce and my husband is white. He is electrical engineer. We sync perfectly, both intellictually and culturally. We got married in Addis. I was out of the country on business trip so he organized the wedding in Addis by himself. Including printing the wedding invitations, and renting the “shema and kaba”. yes, very traditional. He also went and asked my family for their permission and blessings. Back in the US, he cooks Ethiopian. He surprises the ET store clerks every time when he asks for the spices “mekelesha” and “tikur-azmud”. My family says he is “abesha”. we both love ethiopia and everything ethiopian. We had another wedding ceremony in the states. We said our vows both in Amharic and english. Poems and messages from my family were read in Amharic during the ceremony. All his idea. I also appreciate the American family values. At least the ones, my in-laws have. When I gave birth, my mother-in-law was with us for two months cooking, cleaning, etc. She doesn’t go more than two weeks with out visiting the kids. when she calls, she always asks “how are my gems doing?”. I am blessed to have the family that I have. The love that our families experience is beyond injera, amharic and burgers. The world is not just black and white.
Really
Don’t you think an Ethiopian man could have been as good… as your hubby…?
Indeed, Nolawi. I know there are tons of great Ethiopian guys. My brothers being some of them:) Fate got US together. That is what I have been trying to say, I didn’t have a pre-defined group or network to select from. Chose with my heart. You feel it when it is the one. I was open to people who are different from me both in color and culture. Now, when my kid grew up and finds his love with ET girl, “Esseyehu”. But if he finds happiness else where, I am equally happy. The way, globalization is going, he will have the world to choose from.
An Ethiopian man being like “really’s husband” is a possibility, but the Ethi husband having a caring Mother who is helpful but with a hands off aproach to her son’s marriage enough to be appreciated by her DIL is one in a Million.
really,
sorry .. Warning.. this is a long one, but i think i have a a point…so forgive for its rizimeeeeeet!
With all sincerity, and respect, as a homeboy, I am happy for you.I believe in one chooses one’s own destiny.
Especially in love.
Now, here are my Questions for you and my observations on H/Abesha ladies (includes you) in the STATES:
Menderderiaye = Springboard of my argument
Women: by nature, in the most part, (any race, status,..) feels that they should be with a man that they feel is above their standard. who defines standard? the environemnt, society & its complicated cultural norms (those who control resources play a huge part in controlling our life’s destiny).
Men: by nature, in the most part, go after beauty. It is in contrast with women’s. And that is why we see, Western men go after foreigner ladies (Asians, Ethio/Eritrean) ladies. for two reasons:
a) their beauty
b) the challenge free.(ego, power, Authority)
of course languge (the rope of communication)
NOW:
My Question:
I am just asking, a general question that can touch the general issue amongst H/Abesha Fe/Male. I am not passing judgement at all. I know of ladies who never had a chance to meet H/Abesha guys but ended up falling in love with other races. My question is to those who could have had the chance.
Leaving all your intellectual achievement, exposure intact as they were when you met your husband, Had you been willing
a) in limiting (reasonably) your feminine power when you were meeting H/Abesha guys the way you did with this white man or other foreigners?
b) Did you have that preconceived mind-set Abesha guys are like this and like that and as a result caused you to close that feminine circuit even with that intellectual mind to see if there were Abesha guys who could meet or even exceed your standard?
My Observation on Abesha Ladies
Both home and here in the States (the intellectuals or those who have pursued higher education)
The reasons are countless. It is very natural and understandable that a woman has to be more careful than a man for known reasons.
But, my question is, do our women apply that feminine power equally and unselectively across the board (men’s board)?
In the Homefront (in Ethio) Even in higher institutions:
Onething the ladies don’t bring in to their feminine power table is: EGO! or
a) at least it is a balanced one or
b) is sliced-in-half).
So, for both sides, those, who feel the feel, no problem! Romance flourish. Besides, at HOME, there are millions of your own and your chance of meeting your type is just ..in abundance…nooo problem there!
Our ladies here in the States:
-The limitless EGO (brought by intellect, knowledge, $$$, individual freedom, etc.. that hardly was part of past life) completely clouds the REASONING and Rationale and that completely shuts off the door and while they give in and hand over that feminine power with no complication to fulfill their romance thirst with other races (especially white), for many REASONABLE and UNREASONABLE reasons, they become like a ROCK (or at least pretend one) or closed circuit with those of their own, Abesha, even with those Abeshas who may even meet or exceed their standards and values. They simply shut off the door.
If a woman shuts off a door, then… it is that..that simple! again, the reasons are endless, my few here doesn’t mean these are these..these are just a tiddey bitty of my own experience and observation.
Note: we all come from different BGND as well so that is another factor. However, that cannot be a stopper!
b/c if a Ethio Lady can open up to a foreigner who is completely foreign to everything of her soul’s-fountain how can she not be able to open up to her homeboy, a homeboy that can surprisingly even exceed these foreigners’ Quality with everything and anything…I mean anything! one can never know unless one is willing to open the door and explore.
But, the probelm, THE WALL called EGO (A Berlin Wall type) completely have become a LIMITLESS boundary to deny the even -Get-to-know- Platform.
Men are countless. all type: There are those Alpha, slick males, and other types who tolerate limitless ego of a woman until they get what they want and then show their true color to turn the wheel. the cycle goes on.
And there are those Men with pride and dignity who do not play games, be matter-of-fact with huge dream and purpose in life.
so it is not good to put all eggs in one basket ..and swing with preconceived mind-set and seek for Westeren Male, because of that mentality. If the reason is somethingelse, (attraction of a white skin) then that is that!
on Abesha guys and Western ladies:
As I said above, since, women choose a man that is higher in standard (money, race, etc..) and due to Africa’s stereotype, we African men deal with tough dilemma IF we were to pursue Western women that are very high standard (Our beauty unlike our counterpart ladies means nada. I am talking seeking for HS ladies). We get to prove a lot to break the streotype 1st, i.e if chance permits. Once, we prove and break in and then refuse to pursue it, then we get accused of it, and they say, OH, is b/c they are not submissive enough as our ladies. what a Dilemma!
——–
our people’s perception towards white people back home:
We all know our people are not conscious about the treatment of us, blacks, in general around the world. And on top of that we have a culture that respects LIMITLESSLY, strangers.
BUT, kudos to your white husband (unlike others who is sensitive and respectful) even if he was arrogant, i am sure he would get away with that. but you are lucky.
BEST WISHES !!!
Have a Good Friday and weekend!
[quote comment="51041"]An Ethiopian man being like “really’s husband” is a possibility, but the Ethi husband having a caring Mother who is helpful but with a hands off aproach to her son’s marriage enough to be appreciated by her DIL is one in a Million.[/quote] ”
One in a Million!?
C’mon now, be a realist and FAIR! you are harsh, ver harsh Mamitu! 
It is an insult to 70 millions people. Even women would disagree with you. In your analysis or perception, that means, there are only 7 Ethiopians of 70 million with the quality you mentioned! Does that sound statistically, realistically sound?
What is the probability of finding a quaility guy out of 10 Ethio guys to meet your standard for instance, if you were to spill it over?
Just think about it.
If you grew up in Addis, what was your experience ? Have you grown up just admiring the West? or your own ones?
If the latter is yours, but why? why would easily see the quality of a Western but not your own ones? But why? doesn’t that mean you are not seeing your own quality?
what type of personality and quality drew you the most even if you didn’t get close? Have you seen people with such stunning, bold, fighter spirit personality (both men and women) against allodds, status-quo, control-freak culture? Just think about it!
what does she mean “DIL”
so you married a white man because you wanted a better mother-in-law…
betam arif…
[quote comment="51041"]An Ethiopian man being like “really’s husband” is a possibility, but the Ethi husband having a caring Mother who is helpful but with a hands off aproach to her son’s marriage enough to be appreciated by her DIL is one in a Million.[/quote]
DIL is daughter in law.
Mamitu I beg to differ. I think Ethiopian mothers are more likely to lend a hand over the white mothers. Yes Really is fortunate to marry into a family with a caring mom but I think it’s more like 1 in a million white mom’s would be there for their daughters. I could not tell you how many Ethiopian mothers I know who have sacrificed their life for a year or two to help out their daughters/sons. I don’t know where you live, or how many of these cases you’ve witnessed.
I agree with MOC. Really, had you married an Ethiopian would you have sent him to Addis to plan out your wedding and reception while you were on travel? Would your family have accepted him to do the same? Would you be as excited if he cooked Ethiopian food for you every day? We have a certain level of respect and admiration for the non Ethiopian’s that we don’t show to our own men and you can’t deny that. I’m not, by any means, questioning your love for your husband but how you view him and his proactive behavior to be part of your world would not have been viewed the same had he been an Ethiopian, for example, who grew up abroad with no prior exposure to the Ethiopian culture.
I have dated non Ethiopians and after being presented with the similar questions I’ve come to realize my behavior is not the same even though I didn’t like/love them any less.
Going back to the topic at hand
He can never know what it feels like to be an Ethiopian no matter how well he’s absorbed our culture.
Celebrate,
A Mother in low being difficult is kind of Universal (that is probably why Sansevieria trifasciata which has sharp leaves is called a Mother in Law’s Tongue) but it is easier for a Ferenje to loosen the strings and be kind of hands off. Ethiopian mothers do help their children but the cost could be too high sometimes because they are too hands on and contribute to hardships in their kid’s marriages. This is just my observation from seeing a lot of marriages with hardships that have in laws involved.(Hearing complaints from far too many married friends that have MILs living with them.) I think Ethiopian Husbands can take a cue from the ferenje husbands from this one and cut the strings once they are married.
And about American mothers not lending a hand I think it is just a myth. Just like those myths that I heard growing up that American parents kick their kids out once the kids turn 18.
I think, MIL DIL relationships in not perfect in any marriage… abesha leabesha nor ferenj le ferenj… at the end communication is the key….
Mamitu, don’t wanna digress so please let’s continue this in the Press…
I agree with you that some MIL’s get too involved in their children’s lives and sometimes to the point of causing divorce but this has nothing to do with Ethio or Fernej mom’s it’s just some MIL’s disease.
It is up to the son or daughter of that MIL to protect his or her marriage. The mom will involve herself as much as her child allows her to do so.
celeb i don’t think the mamitu that posted above is on BP… 2 mamitus on bernos
True communication is the key to a healthy relationship, it is just when you date your own not alot of explaining to do.
MWC, you make excellent points. After all, we are all products of our environment and culture & hence influenced by “xyz”. It is what it is. Some people have bad experiences which leads to the dangerous task of generalization. Even to a widely held myth re the opposite sex. We can only control ourselves though and see where it leads. Simple things in life like appreciating people for who they are and not for what we want them to be, and truly understanding the phrase “beauty is skin deep” will definately come in handy. However much we try to asses and formulate an equation, it is hard to make a fair conclusion on how people make their choices because you are dealing with the heart (emotion and passion included). One thing is for sure, it is not the color. And I am a strong woman.
Celebratelife, you are right, I know of many ET couples who have great relationships with wonderful families. That is not even in question here. Now, I can’t go back and re-analayze my life had it been with an ET guy. I see your point though. It gets highlighted because of who he is. That extra effort is always appreciated, no matter who he is. The reason I opened up myself was to explain that it is possible to be understood and “felt” by a person who is not one of your own. I am sure there are plenty of Abesha guys who have successfully explored this territory. The things he did AFTER we decided to get married, not only scored him some brownie points but also demonstrated that one is capable of embracing the culture with open arms. It is a constant learning process, on both sides…
Really, I wasn’t questioning you marrying a non Abesha at all. Btw thanks for sharing your story.
Abesha or not you have a great husband and that’s all that matters in the end.
i don’t think this comment received a satisfactory response… i agree with tobian that there can be a communication breakdown when there is so much assumed understood between ppl with similar cultures. This is in addition to stereotypes, cultural assumptions and barriers that do not allow ppl to interact without prejudices and sometimes without openness and clarity…
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