How do you really feel?
‘airing dirty laundry!’ is a popular aphorism used to describe the act of revealing too much personal details in public; in particular your dirty little secrets.
Elders in Ethiopia advise children that they should not disclose details about self and their families. I, like many others, was told to keep things concealed. Everything about your family should be private and ambiguous.
Don’t say this, don’t say that!"
Not ‘airing the dirty laundry’ is a complex and wooly endeavor for a little kid to comprehend. As I understood it at the time, ‘suppressing feelings’ was a countrywide motto. The undemocratic sociopolitical society we all grew up in, I assume played a role as well; I remember adults only speak freely if they are very familiar territory. Questioning what our elders had to say would be caustic as we had to respect and trust what they conveyed.
In our society, as in any, several factors nurture collective behaviors. Although there hasn’t been a study, I am sure we, those accustomed with universal Ethiopian mannerisms can attest the fact that Ethiopians tend to lean a bit on the private side. It’s neither negative nor positive, but most concur that the ability to ‘listen & observe’ is an asset worth having.
Don’t talk, just listen”
I am sure you heard that before, sounds like an advertising tagline . Sure sure listen, but don’t they say that communication is a two way street.
i
The dots are not connected, but the point is that I want to express how I feel! For some odd reason, I feel like I am unlike most in that I like to utter the nonsense that is my thoughts.
For instance, I read a plethora of both Ethiopian and non-Ethiopian written articles/blogs online. From what I’ve noticed, Ethiopians commonly dislike using the word “I.” I think that they think that lack of that particular word heightens the credibility of the content. If so, I beg to differ. I think editorial arguments should express the opinions of the author not just the opinion that the author could substantiate.
Personal enough
That is probably the principal qualm I have when communicating with Ethiopians. I can never understand how they really feel because they don’t tell me.
After dating my first Ethio-girl some eight years ago, for about a month; I decided to break up with her. I told her that she was a waste of my time, yes a little harsh but forgive me I was very young.
She got angry with me and asked if she could pay me back her share of the money we spent on our dates. No godamit it’s not the total of 35$ dollars you sugardaddied out of this college kid, it’s because you didn't express shit about your feelings. I realized after a month that I knew as much about her as that strange girl who lived across the street.
At the time I though something was wrong with her, but I now realize that it’s customary for an Ethiopian to omit expressing feelings
One Bernos customer who had came back to buy a t-shirt decided to return her product. It was our first only return, thus we asked why. Well the Ethiopian girl who happens to be married to an African American claimed that she didn’t like ‘Nolawi’s’ opinion expressed on one particular blog post about inter-cultural marriage. She was happily married and didn’t like being told that it was negative in any form.
After several exchanges in email, she finally understood that Bernos is bigger than one person and that it doesn’t have too many opinions; moreover the few it boasts are published on the about page. Apparently, being married to an American didn't do much for her cultural issues.
Published by March 15th, 2007 in Personal.
I think it has to do with people caring about what you say too much and taking it personally to the point of attacking you if they don’t agree with your opinion. If you escaped attack, you make it to the underground tabloid and before you know it all your circle of people clotheslines’ have your dirty laun. dangling from..
but I think feelings and opinions are different from dirty laundry… my whole point was that effected a certain behavior one which is different from airing laundry..
that is what I mean adey…
Nolawi:
First.. you were not harsh on the article, but, on the girl yes.
.
So, now 8 years ago, you didnt appreciate her being private about her feelings. Do you think that was a weakness of her?
In your eyes maybe. But, in her eyes, in many of us who grew up in Addis, not the case. Everyone is different, of course.
But, the way I see it:
Reason: Actions Speak louder than words!
i.e If she was offsetting it in actions.
Many of us came to Sidet after finishing
HighSchool, so our mind-set was solidly shaped & molded as an adult. But, that doesn’t mean growing up in Africa make us lack dynamism,flexiblity & progressiveness.
In fact, the streets of Addis taught us invaluable lessons.
Many factors for being private: Upbringing, one’s nature, nurture, and so forth. Nonetheless, your generalization is right on the money.
who argues, that our culture, like any other collective mind-set culture, is oppresive and wants women to be sub-ordinate.
Now, the reason why women, obey, for the most part, is due to their economic dependency, especially as they grow older.
I saw the power of girls as a child. my first childhood phase being at Legehare sefer, wehre the club became the very backbone in the establishment of girls team.
… and that physical power nurtures their mental powwer & emancipate them to embrace the indepedent-mindedness, the toughness, the openness, the expressiveness.
I was glued to this girls’ games and can tell yaa .. how much i miss them. They were part of our soul, our upbringing.
But, still, when it comes to expressing feelings, it is another story, and i personally value it as private. it ain’t frustrates me. i like it when i have to read the mind, the body lingua.
As, I said, actions speak …. I’ll do it, re-do it in a Heartbeat over and over.
Now, what i have seen in Addis the physical power of Abesha women, is no wehre to be seen here in the US with all the resources, opportunity’s that our Abesha women have in abundance.. … so what do Abesha women say to this?
Adey: I begin my question with you.
MindWithoutC
eshi I like you! so mindC is a girl huh! for some reason I thought you were a guy….
from the small part that I was able to connect in what you said..
you like the fact that you are mysterious and you don’t mind if people are unclear in what the verbalize to you… because you have body language reading abilities..
let me ask you this, so there is not reason to speak beyigna…
It sure is Ethiopians upbringing to be private .. and I personally believe that most Ethiopians don’t respect my being open about my feelings. And I used to go crazy of wanting to express my feelings…… but the cyber world has opened new doors for me to express my feelings and views without reservation …. mind you b/c no one knows me .. typical Ethiopian haha….
Well, as they say, (sorry, forgot u like I, )feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same.
A YOU gives a message about the other person…doesn’t communicate feelings well but a belief about the other person. [you] don’t say this, [you] don’t say that! reflect just that. The essence of a You message is you have a problem while the I message indicates I have a problem. So, it’s no wonder it’s hard to change the way we think about ‘family and privacy’ when half our lives we’ve been fed the YOU message. So, you actually said to the poor angel, “You are a waste of my time”????uuhhh. Maybe now u r wiser, if u happen to feel the same about your next girlfriend, you’ll tell her ” I feel i’m wasting your time!”….:)
Naturally, We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often hard to release. Often I feel statements are used in fairly clear and simple situations, and are effective in avoiding hurting the self-esteem of the other. I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself, when u have negative feeling, when u want the other person to change their behavior etc.Taking you as an example (if u don’t mind Nol
)let’s look at your I message here.
emotional intelligence is the key. some people are emotionally numb. they have a difficulty of expressing their true feelings and emotions. especially we ethiopians tend not to express our true emotions on public due to our reserved culture. for example, Crying on public is considered as a womanish thing. so, simply no man would cry and reveal his emotions infront of many people.
on the other hand, there are some people who are over sensitive and can not hide and control their positive and negative emotions and feelings.
I think the two extrems are not good for a healthy relationship. as a person, it is very difficult for me to socialize with people who are emotionally numb. because i couldn’t possibly know what they are feeling unless she/he expressed it verbally or show me in action. i also find it very difficult to socialize with emotionaly very sensitive people and who can not control their emotions like anger,fear,worry….
forgot to add this, we can teach ourselves to be emotionally intelligent.
Nolawi, emotionally intelligent people can also know peoples feelings. you see, that is what you lack in your first relationship. anyways, feel sorry for your x-girlfriend. and i think we all should strive to be emotionally intelligent.
emotionally intelligent? sounds redundant to me. care to explain, maebel.
[quote comment="23887"]MindWithoutC
eshi I like you! so mindC is a girl huh! for some reason I thought you were a guy….
WAIT WAIT ..HOLD IT, buddy! I darn am a guy, a solid Abesha wonde, Brother!
.. dunno where in the heck you got the wrong impression from. 
…see!? what cyber-assumption does! .. What a lesson, eha!?
” you like the fact that you are mysterious and you don’t mind if people are unclear in what the verbalize to you… because you have body language reading abilities..
let me ask you this, so there is not reason to speak beyigna…[/quote]
If I were to choose between actions Vs. words in order to nurture & enjoy my romance with a woman w/o spitting a word, I certainly go with Actions! .. if animal kingdoms do it so fine, so do we?
the way i see it -it is about surrendering- …we gotta to know when to surrender, and slice our ego in half and shelf it to get dusted & busted, so romance may have a chance to work & enjoy its natural debts.
-Abesha Wonde!
If u really believe what u said…u r one in a million…and u r nefs neger
[quote comment="24032"]
[/quote]
Wudewuwa … I do what i say and i say what i do
.. I wouldn’t say test me in a vague mode since u are a cyber angel… but you can test me in anything as Shirkoch do …the way we used to do it in that innocent land of ours gulping innocent air.
a Hardened soul!
Amen!!! MindWithoutC
I hope you walk the walk!!!
[quote comment="24066"]Amen!!! MindWithoutC
I hope you walk the walk!!![/quote]
Abe, you killed me.
Yes SIR! and you stole my favortie brother-in-law’s name. darn it.
the truth is I was not talking about relationships in this post…
i was talking in general.. we need to express feelings…
you know… the story about that girl I dated was just an analogy…
so ya.. how do you really feel…
MindWithoutC, I lived in Legehare for a while. Beautiful. Nice comments.
mindwithout….
I doubt!
I believe its mindwithinconsience! lol enjoying ur entertaining/insightful comments.
hmm…. what is ‘dirty laundry’ in this context?
…u’ve said you’re not talking about what several ppl started off with from your post… what are u trying to say really?
Are we talking about my background? family life? challenges minamin, life in general- for instance financial or career dilemma?
what?
[quote comment="24142"]MindWithoutC, I lived in Legehare for a while. Beautiful. Nice comments.[/quote]
wasn’t it, yea. not anymore. I was in Addis lastyear, I tell yaa, I was distressed at the whole thing. Addis is absolutely heading for demise.
The moral corruption is by far what saddens me most! MTV & western gadgets have engulfed our directionless & orientless youth. Youth is a youth. I have no qualm on them.
But, everyone is in a race as if the nation has become a -devoured scavange-! So sad!
Even Sadly, to add insult to injury, our people’s only hope, THE churches have become the worst tycoons.
Poor Africa!
Thank YOU “really”! for the nice word.
Have Great Weekend!
[quote comment="24162"]mindwithout….
I doubt!
I believe its mindwithinconsience! lol enjoying ur entertaining/insightful comments.
[/quote]
Likewise bgFelasfit !
about the name ..hmm …
Do you, by chance, have/read the great Ethiopian philosopher Paulos JoJO’s book.
How did the name “bgFelasfit” came to be chosen? you just like to philosophize, if yes, good 4 yaa!
I think the whole “don’t say this” “don’t say that” comes partly from fear of offending or causing embarrassment either to self (sew min yelal) or to others (endezeh ayebalem).
I do, however, dislike the whole being mysterious thing… especially waaaay back when I was dating. I have to say, I believe I had turned off a bunch of guys for being too, shall we say, eager to talk about all sorts of stuff.
Now, I try to be honest with my opinions when asked. I express them when I feel a particular situation can appreciate my voice. I don’t just vomit them all over the place as I did in my younger days.
With friends and family, I communicate with honesty but also with much love. I try not to use honesty as a weapon. I try not to jar.
[quote comment="23897"]It sure is Ethiopians upbringing to be private .. and I personally believe that most Ethiopians don’t respect my being open about my feelings. And I used to go crazy of wanting to express my feelings…… but the cyber world has opened new doors for me to express my feelings and views without reservation …. mind you b/c no one knows me .. typical Ethiopian haha….[/quote]
I thought i was alone! I have that problem too, but if i want to say something i say it any ways.
I didn’t think I would ever see the day when all of us here would come to a consensus on an issue..
so Ethiopians are just too damn private for their own good..!
Our society is usually a more reserved and private one. Most of us are not encouraged to speak our mind, and the more reserved and submissive we are the more we are considered well-mannered(or chewa).
I’m not quite sure if they really dislike the use of the firt person (I/we), but when it comes to writin formal articles, less use of the first person is usually encouraged to give it a more impartial and credible tone(ie arguin’ with facts and figures rather than emotions and feelings). It is the recommened style in formal writin and it’s done everywhere, but then again this also depends on the kinda article one is writin ’bout.
I still fail to see why this is considered a problem. Sewin Mamen Kebro New yilal Abesha. You better watch what you say or it may come back to bite you sometime in the future.
[quote comment="26298"]I still fail to see why this is considered a problem. Sewin Mamen Kebro New yilal Abesha. You better watch what you say or it may come back to bite you sometime in the future.[/quote]
That is because you are young and inexperienced…the reason you are not see that bottling up your feelings is a negative …
My sense on the whole matter is to each his own. The environment that you grew up in tells you that explaining your feelings is good. Mine tells me that I have to appear collected at all times. I understand that for some it is okay to whine and cry about their emotions, to talk about what they are going through. For me that is not the case. What I don’t agree with is that somehow the criers, whiners and those who like to talk about their feelings amongst us have a better and mature grasp of how to deal with emotions; that they are somehow unchained and the rest of us are just emotional retards or “young and inexperienced”.
Nolawi,
temari has absolutely a POINT! That point, imo, is far from being “young & inexperienced”.
You may want to take a shot and see it from his/her angle. You may want to re-evaluate your “young & inexperienced” comment.
The issue has much more depth than our simple words can express it on a piece of cyber paper.
temari said it well enough. Nevertheless, if I may, let me give you a ride on a wave of thoughts. No offense to anyone but here is my take.
In every African nation, you name a country, the following is the same story. Only 10% to 15% of the entire country’s population enjoy the resources, the pie, the privilege of that nation’s wealth & resources.
This we all know it. How it came to happen is another story. The virtue of Africa’s and this world way of spider web political order be left alone.
But, while the few enjoys resources and aspire to have an easy life, the rest of us, in millions, women, men, old, young, children are condemned to live and leave in absolute neglect & misery. Our human dignity, as though, it is not equally dear as theirs is being subjected to cruel inhumane acts.
Those who HAPPEN to have the resources forget we belong in togetherness, yet, they use our only difference -resources- to widen the gap and create an atmosphere of unexplainable human tragedy at the threshold of their eyes.
Yet, they deny it as if we are not theirs, they are not ours. How cruel we Humans are. We all are created nude, rich in Human dignity, and empty in resources. Yet, the rest of our cruelty is left to history.
As we all know it, coming out to this cruel cold world, our stoic becomes the survival of the beast. So, one has to taste the despairness with millions’ of them and be in their shoes, to really know Africans’ stoicism & their survival rigid nature, even millions of kids, who find themselves -suddenly responsible adults-.
Instead of being kids, we, suddenly grow up, and face reality to survive and be someone.
So, where do we get the basics of A-B-C in expressing ourselves with no fear, no hold back, no consequence? tell me.
Every household, rich, poor, has a dictator, unless, we Africans deny it. be it a wo/man dictator. A man to his entire family, and a mom to her young girl, a girl to her younger sister, a boy to his…
And this creates a -Wall of who to trust- so one doen’t have to deal with consequences. One forces & hides that expression until time exponentially decays its dictators and freed the oppressed.
Then when that inner warm feeling of trusting someone starts coming out, then one has no issue expressing oneself.
That must be a daunting thing to do? Don’t you think? After all, we all possess different stoicism. Some of us are unbreakable, some of us are breakable?
Everyone expresses his/herself in their own term, degree, and standard, but the ice must be broken to warm up that trust.
I wish I ought to had been able to take you to a mind-tour, so you can see in your own mind-camera, how and what it took to millions of African children the path they go thru to survive and be accounted for as humans.
Their STOICISM, Unbreakable spirit & survival capability has made them someone, somewhere that they are not even familiar with. and will continue to do so.
And their life experience matters to them. They express themselves, and well too, but in their own individual way, since life has made a huge dent in the way they accept or reject nature’s rule of dynamism & progressiveness.
That life experience, can not be thrown into a dumpster. That is part of who we are, how we had to handle it and survived without any breakdown. It has to have an impact to the way we think, feel, and deal with others, wouldn’t it?
We shouldn’t only see our skin color’s similarity to bond us together. That is just a salt in an ocean.
our vast life experience & background needs to be the biggest X-facor!
What meaning does Independence has then, if one is denied to being-onerself?
One shouldn’t conform, should one? Westerners have their own way of expressing their feelings, so, do Ethiopians and Africans. But, that shouldn’t be gauged by Westerners’ scale or looked down as unexpressive, because it doesn’t conform or angle in a certain way.
Who sets the bar anyways? But who gauge? And what scale is used to gauge it?
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, they say!
-So Long and Good evening!
so basically you are saying that the western way is not necessarily a better way….
sure my environment nurtured my personality… been influenced by the west
gin I think I assessed it and said the bottling up your feelings is not good because it is the western way or because its not the ethiopian way…
its just because I feel its a better way!
[quote comment="27558"]so basically you are saying that the western way is not necessarily a better way….
its just because I feel its a better way![/quote] ”
…….
I was not disagreeing with you in “the Western way is a better way”. I believe, it is the highest standard of freedom of expression, and progressiveness nature that has enabled the Western society & their progressive culture to get to where they are now. There are some ugly stuff along with progressiveness, but …
In fact, millions of us have enhanced our way of expression, and expand our mental & physical horizon since the individualistic lifestyle didn’t control us, once we came to the West. It has freed us inside out.
As individuals, we choose to determine what and how much to say by evaluating the platform we are engaged in.
If individuals don’t express themselves in a certain way, or carry themselves that conform the standard that is set across the board, that does not mean they lack that potential or is “bottled up”. They just assess that platform that they are engaged in, and choose not to open up, for various reasons. an example:
An Ethiopian lady, who is 27/28 was recently hired as a gaurd at the company I work at. The Security Manager, knowing where I am from, asked me politely if i could talk to her to smile, greet people with hello, ask badge and so forth.
i chatted with her. She expressed herself well and felt comfortable with me. Then, I asked her, “so, why can’t you do it the same way with everyoneelse?”
she said, just give me time. But, it is not time she needed, it is that platfom she is engaged in that has made her feel uncomfortable to open up, and express herself, as she did with me. She has her own reason. But, she was unable to break the shell after living here for 10yrs. So, they fired her!
But, she expresses herself when she feels comfortable, unchallenged, unthreatened, etc, See my point?
While Growing up in Legehar, and then Tekleye, I have witnessed the fighter spirit of girls, their going against the status quo, their sportsmanship, their will to succeed, their expressiveness. The handball/soccer best players: Belaynesh of Midir babur, Abeba Segni, BeleTu, GirGide, Sisay…so many My hero being Belaynesh.
-till next time!
…one friend suggested that this [keeping things bottled up] is exactly the reason Abesha families survive as compared to western ones. I can’t say that I don’t see his point.
LOL Temariw. I suppose if a husband and wife hate each other but neither tell one another, they could stay married forever and the family survives as a unit instead of breaking up!
In the years I’ve been dealing with Ethio’s, outside of my family, on a personal level, which is for most of my adult life, I have found it very frustrating due to the lack of communication. They are like under lock and key and act as if releasing their feelings may cause a major war. There is no need to air your family’s dirty laundry but expressing how you feel about some things is not a crime. I think I have met a hand full of Ethio’s, in my life, who willing express their feelings. This is not only sad but it’s pathetic. I understand I may be a little too upfront and I surely don’t expect anyone to be the same but at least be able to express your feelings damnit about anything from the small stuff (how’s work) to the big stuff (how do you feel about me). After years of frustration and borderline wanting to quit dealing with my own people, I learned to accept the fact that it is our culture that’s placing the gag order on most.
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have a nice morning!
Why is it I always really feel like you do?