Menew, min meta! 42 Comments


As a woman, I know we carry a lot on our shoulders. We are great at holding down the fort in several areas: handling the order of the household, working at the office, keeping the relationship in check, and appear flawless in the process. Our mothers and grandmothers did it without missing a beat and tradition/culture meant something. Granted they were married young, surrounded by loved ones and may have had some help around the house but they still did it and we admire them till this day. They are the backbone of our success, can I get an 'Amen!' 

Today, in the 21st century, we have many women very well educated with professional jobs, earning a good living and some even own their own homes. I know the equality factor has not been written in stone but today's Ethiopian woman is walking the walk and talking the talk. Let's be proud and say it loud! But are we prepared to pay the cost?

Back in the day, sene sereat yeyazech set used to first find a partner, fall in love, get married, THEN have a child. But now-a-days, what some have done instead is resorted to forcing a marriage or a long-term relationship by means of conception. Yes, I'm speaking of pregnancy by unwed mothers among the Ethiopian community! Menew, men meta? What happened to tradition/culture? What's the rush and where is the pressure coming from? I am getting very annoyed that we now have to talk about "her baby daddy" or "his baby momma”.  I think we have come a long way to resort to this nonsense.

I say to our Ethiopian men, when your Ethiopian woman's alarm is sounding the horn, stop acting like you didn't hear it. Either hit the alarm button and move on or stop whining about it after the precious Mamo or Mamitu arrives. You see, you snooze you lose. I want to make it very clear this is not in your defense, Ethiopian Wondoch. 'Man up' and take responsibility for your decision. Handle your business! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

It is not fair for the Ethiopian kids that are being born in a one parent household. Don't sell yourself short, do the right thing. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage. If you want a child and no marriage then stop complaining about being a single parent!

42 Responses to “Menew, min meta!”

  1. 1 MindWithOutConscious

    1. First off, I discovered this blog recently while scanning Meskel Square and i instantly loved with the blog & bloggers simply for the fact it is:
    Politics free and full of humor & entertainment.

    2. With all honesty & respect to you, while you raise a good topic, but, your analysis oversimplified the BIG & COMPLEX issue we -Africans- not just Ethiopians face here in the diaspora. In my humble opinion, Love has nothing to do with achievement. Many of us have achieved. And that shouldnt gauge our conscious. The ability to read, write & and earn a degree doesnt buy us A CONSCIOUS. A kind & good Heart and a mind regulated by consious can find love and cherish it unconditionally.

    That is what we are missing. BIG time! Our achievement completely clouded our conscious. And that is where our blindspot is. Both sexes failed to see that we need eachother.

    In fact, it is all those baggage that comes with this worldly stuff that causes wreck-havoc among us. It has made us forget where we come from. Wasnt resource scarce in Africa, yet we cherish eachother and Love was abundance & had to a higher degree purity. I dont know about others, but, I have cherished the friendship and Love in our sweet Addis lon ago. Now this darn life in sidet has opened a HUGE void in all of us. let us face it! we have a problem.

    Unchecked Power knows no boundary, be it male or female. Unchecked Ego knows no boundary, be it male or female. Unchecked privilege knows no boundary.
    We humans are absolutely susceptible to all these worldly stuff and if we dont regulate our mind by our conscious we are doomed to fail and we are.

    Why do you think, Ethiopia starves while it orginates Nile river. Nile feeds both Sudan & Egypt while Ethiopia starves. I was shocked when I migrated thru Cairo and seeing Nile river dividing Cairo in Half.

    CelebrateLife: I would rather create my own blog or contribute to this blog as an article on this topic, since I have a lot to say. :-) .. for now adios.

  2. 2 adey

    are you a single male?

  3. 3 story

    The generation of our mothers is opposite from ours.
    They faced the same challenges as we do but life was simple back then. Most did not have jobs or schooling so they were brought up to become housewives. Because of that they married early and had babies mostly after marriage. This is happening now in rural areas so only a luckey few have a chance to decide if they should have a baby with or without marriage. I rather have a choice than tradition which made me an object of a husband.
    There is nothing wrong with out of wed lock pregnancy.
    It might seem wrong traditon but what matters is if the daddy is 100% commited to the baby. As long as the man is man enough to take care of his children no matter if it is out of wed lock or not that’s what matters. Unfourtunately most men are not man enough to be fathers in that way. Only a few are real men.

  4. 4 chuchu

    well well ……. I was one of sene sereat yeyazech set and also a professional with good earnings but I am still single with a V;
    what choice do I have but to be a single parent

  5. 5 maebel

    Celebratelife: As always, you raised sensitive issue.

    here is my stand. i believe that i am too conservative on issues like this. i wish i had children with the women i loved and married to life. so that our children cherished all the immesurable fulfillment that drives from a happy and a warm family. that would certainly make them a good citizens.

  6. 6 Nolawi

    [quote comment="21848"]well well ……. I was one of sene sereat yeyazech set and also a professional with good earnings but I am still single with a V;
    what choice do I have but to be a single parent[/quote]

    here is a good one. Being independent doesn’t mean you do not need to learn how to compromise. I see this with a lot of Ethio ladies who just want everything their way because they are used to obtaining whatever they need independently.

    Relationship is a compromise, and even if you decide to have children out of wedlock you still need to have a relationship with a man, who is going to be the father to your baby. and any relationship be it husband or baby daddy will require that you give up some of your strong will.

    You ladies need to fix yourself before you try to make a father from a Man.

    Personally I think no woman or man should intentionally have a child out of wedlock. if it happens it happens but to intendtionally have a broken home for an innocent child because you don’t know how to compromise…. now that is just fucked UP.

    And a child is not/should not be a replacement for a real relationship with a man.

  7. 7 soj

    …a good point you have raised celeb. I have always thought that having kids is the natural extension of the love I feel for my wife. Don’t get me wrong, I know kids can be had for all sorts of reasons and mishaps. But if we are talking about relationships and marriages, I don’t want to have a kid/kids just for my own whims…I would like to have a kid that I can bring up together with my partner so that I can see myself and my wife through my kid/s. If it happens that situations change after having the baby, then so be it, but to plan to raise a baby singlehandedly from the onset is a deprivation of basic rights that the child is entitled to…and also one of the bad habits of the “western world” that we should unlearn not adhere to..

  8. 8 Abebe

    It is a very good issue that we Ethios need to address becasue I know a few women who had babies just because their biological time is ticking or family/peer pressure from men who did not want to be in that situation. In my opinion, having a kid from a man who doesn’t want to have one or not ready to have a family is very selfish. If a woman is trapping a man by having a baby is just flat out wrong, if he doesn’t like you, chances are he is not going to like just because you have a kid, don’t confuse the love the man will have for his kid with loving that woman, if he decides to rasie the kid as a family just for the sake of the baby, that is a recipe for misrable life for both parents. I blieve babies should be raised by two parents and in a happy home if god blesses it. That is my two centes!!

  9. 9 MindWithOutConscious

    ” adey Mar 5th, 2007 at 12:19 am Quote
    are you a single male? ”

    Adey: with all due respect, this is not about me. And if I told you that I was, would you care? and If I told you that I am fortunate to have someone in my life, would you care?

    If your comment was sarcasm or curiosity… causes no harm to me so, let us move on:-)

    Sophisticated minds debate with decency. Sophisticated minds compromise. when we see the mess our Africa is in, we can only sigh and say no wonder we as a continent, as a people, as a community, are bogged down in a mess.

    Truly, in my view, the way we deal with eachother which the topic raised it wondefully reflects the way our politicians treat our people. and we live and leave with pain. we are a reflections of eahother’s work. So, let us all think deep instead of pointing finger at eachother. It will never get us nowhere. our attitude determines our altitude, they say!

    As the initiator of this topic said “R-E-S-P-E-C-T”. It takes two to tango!

  10. 10 mimi

    It is shameful the abesha women do most of child raising.
    It’s time they kick their men out and declare independence as single moms.
    In my opinion the father is not a 100% daddy i rather my child have no daddy than a 3%, 20% daddy. No daddy is better than half a daddy. No marriage is better than a lousy one. So singlehood is not this hell most women imagine it to be. In the mean time you just mingle from one man to the next just to see what’s out there without stress of commitment or marriage until you are sure. If it takes a long time to find mr. Right then you can have your baby in the mean time and become a single mom. Mr. Right is no longer the decider of when you have a baby. If he comes around he has to be man enough to raise your baby as his own. That’s what i call a true man not coward.

  11. 11 hidaya


    Most people would agree that for a child two parents who loved each other was better than one, but people become single parents for a number of reasons; mostly it isnt out of choice; for some their relationship breaks down and for others divine intervention might make them single parents.

    I dont think many people plan to be a single parent unless they had specific reasons to do so. I would hesitate to call anyone selfish for doing so because we never quiet know why people choose to make certain decisions.

    I have a friend whose husband died when she was three months pregnant, she didnt trap him ,they were together for three years before the baby and it was all planned. The father dying wasnt planned but he did and now she is a single mother raising her child on her own and doing a pretty good job of it. And even though two parents are better than one for a child isnt the parenting that the child gets from both parents or even form the single one more important than the state of their relationship?

    Children are born to both men and women both should be equally responsible for them, as for anyone getting pregnant deliberatetly to force a man’s hand…even the lawfully wedded ones might walk out if they felt that they were being forced into fatherhood prematurely so what are the chances and the guarantee that the umarried ones will stick around?.

  12. 12 Nolawi

    MindWithOutConscious I think adey was saying that you comment is on point so much that she would be interested in you if you were a single male??

  13. 13 Nolawi

    hidaye, the question is not existence of a single mother. it is if woman should intentionally be a single matter. if situations like the story you brought up forces this on you then so be it. make the best of it but to intentionally plan to be a single matter is a different issue.

  14. 14 MindWithOutConscious

    Hidaya pin-pointed the very reality that every one of us face. ‘Dank U!

    Before getting in deeper, there is a span of time to study a partner. And once immersed then both end should honor that committement & ..may death do-us-apart. But again, talking is easier than doing. :-)

    But, mimi and all GentleLadies, with “man-enoug” mind-set, i dont buy the “man enough” statement. Why?

    First enlighten, and elucidate us who and how “man-enough” is defined. They say, “One wo/man’s treasure is another wo/man’s trash”.

    If you think Western men are “men-enough”, then there you are being biased and fell into that cliff of streotype towards us African men! so, one needs to do a deeper study. If any man, that possess no conscious, were to be given a chance, any man wouldn’t pick responsibility UP. Likewise with women. it is a Human gene.

    The problem with us Africans is that we are neither attached nor detached to the new culture and is causing us to swing in a misunderstanding state-of-pendulum.

    So, let us not play eachother a yo-yo game. what we need is claiming back that sweet -FiQir Genbi, metessaseb.. thoughtfulness, seeing things in wideangle- traits we used to possess back in the days ..:-) when we were playing Hoha Hoye ..TibiTibi .. Segno-MaKisegno ..etc … -)

    so Ladies unless on both ends .. a major facelift is done to our attitude .. we aint go nowhere .. it’ll be a lizard life .. sherrrrrrrrr… :-)

    this complex issue didint just pop up like a popcorn. it has been there and will be there.

    But, individuals make a difference, I believe!

    Attitude determines Altitude!

    A West Coaster :-)
    So Long.

  15. 15 MindWithOutConscious

    Brother Nolawi,
    appreciate the “clear-the-cloud” :-) .. I also saw it from both angles but not knowing what adey’s intention & thought, .. and even if she had good intentions .. i was only explaining w/o taking it personal. hope i wasnt harsh. ddint mean to. apoloy to adey and you all. :-)

    This cyber world is an open-end for interpretation.

    so long for now,

  16. 16 kilomamo

    I think the core problem causing the increase in “single Mom by choice” syndrome can be attributed to “Ye-sidet Nu-raw” Mostly the luck of opportunity to meet compatible partner is causing couples to stay in a relationship even when it is not working. The downside to this picture is obvious to the woman.

    The bottom line is there are not sufficient opportunities for singles to meet. This I think is a major problem for all immigrant communities but more so for cultures like ours where dating services are not common. I have always thought the person who can start a ‘discreet’ matching service for Ethiopians will not only be doing the community a great favour but I also think will be making tones of money.

    I wonder what the Burnos community thinks about such service. Maybe a topic for Burnos Press….

  17. 17 hidaya


    Can a single woman get pregnant all by herself? What are the men doing about contraceptions themselves to avoid procreating?.Or are we saying that contraception should be just the woman’s issue?

    If a man didnt want his seed to turn into a little bouncy baby several months later then there are things they can do to avoid that responsability. They could use protection and they should be clear to their partner that they dont want children at that particular time in their lives.

    If after all that a baby is born to them, then the focus should shift from the adults and concentrate on the new life and how to make the best of an bad situation for the child’s sake.

    Neither men nor women have an automatic right to have children and where there are rights there are responsablities always. Lets all behave responsibly towards our children.


    I agree, the blame game doesnt get us anywhere, blaming feckless women blaming feckless men, what does it solve?..after all the blame is done there are still children that need parenting and to be loved even more than a child of a two parent home.

  18. 18 chuchu

    I was raised in a family where my parents fought day in day out and stayed together for the sake of the “children”. Well I didn’t like that and I always wonder why my mother had to put up with my father’s nagging all those years.
    I am not going to raise my children in the environment I have been.
    So if things work out with my partner OK if not beka being a single mom is not that bad and I sure am going to be one.

  19. 19 Bed_ford

    A very good topic and the blame games do not get us any where. Intentional bringing a child to this world because we can raise the child independently and afford a health insurance is very wrong. A child needs both patents; in the situation where divorce is unavoidable then that is a different issue and should not be confused with the topic at hand.
    You hit the nail on the head; on all points. Meeting the right partner is the main problem; the pool for most is not that big. On starting a matching service for Ethiopians; I always thought such service is badly needed.

  20. 20 Ted

    Well, I’ve mainly been an observer of this blog so far, but I guess it’s about time to join in. I just feel that I’ve to voice my opinion, especially on a hot issue as this one.

    I personally think that both the men and women in our community have issues. For the most part, I think the women are really confused, at least the ones that I’ve tried to hit on so far :-) . The educated ones usually tend to postpone a relationship while they establish themselves in a career. By the time they come out to the market, they will be what the Japanese called, “Christmas Cake”, unlikely to find a buyer after the 25th. Well, there is nothing wrong with pursuing career and passion, don’t get me wrong here, but I’m saying is it’s also good to explore other options on the side and start looking for someone who will make a perfect partner for LTR, than just wait until it’s too late.

    And I know a lot of women complain about abesha men being very traditional and everything. Give me a break!!! There are a lot of men out there that I know who are less threatened by equality and more interested in finding a mate who can share the burdens of breadwinning.

    And finger pointing is not going to get us anywhere. It all starts from giving L-O-V-E and R-E-S-P-E-C-T to each other.

  21. 21 adey

    MindWithOutConscious – my apologies i’ve this personality that i use behind the bernos curtains called bp. will explain myself&my question later.. 15min break is up

  22. 22 Kinshasa
  23. 23 MindWithOutConscious

    [quote comment="22045"]MindWithOutConscious -my apologies i’ve this personality that i use behind the bernos curtains called bp. will explain myself&my question later.. 15min break is up[/quote]

    No harsh feeling… and I wont force you to spill the beans either :-) …unless of course…. you want to exercise your 1st amendment… why not it is a free country… :-) but… again know what they say /.. Zimta WorQ new…aydel!? :-)

  24. 24 MindWithOutConscious

    [quote comment="22038"]Well, I’ve mainly been an observer ….

    ……….really confused, ……

    The educated ones usually tend to postpone a relationship …… By the time they come out to the market, they will be what the Japanese called, “Christmas Cake”, unlikely to find a buyer after the 25th. …..
    ……partner for LTR, than just wait until it’s too late.

    ……less threatened by equality and more interested in finding a mate who can share the burdens of breadwinning.

    Ted: forgive me, but, I have to disagree on your comment of “X-mas cake”.

    I have a sister, you may have a sister as well, so we shouldnt say, “when they come out to the market”
    I dont certainly see my/your sister as a commodity for the better bidder. Let us leave that state-of-mind for the places where they treat women as a commodity.

    We are at a different level, b/c we claim we are educated, exposed, progressed if these are what holds the value of our Conscious. In my book, it is not.

    Even on this forum, we all see things differently whether women or men. In my view, our mind-set, state-of-mind are heavily shaped by the key detrimental factors of:
    -OUR individuals’ upbringing background-
    -Our life’s path experience-
    -Our life’s path exposure-

    Just b/c we are from the same country doesn’t necessarily mean, we meet eachothers demand. In my view, The above 3 points also determines how we see, taste, gauge life and then eachother when we cross eachother’s life path.

    Unless, for instance, one is naturally sensitive by nature, and possess a conscious, you can not make that wo/man sensitive/conscious by nurture.

    But, can de-sensitize a person that used to be sensitive. That is how we have ended up. :-) The new culture has de-sensitized us and ended up swimming in a pool of ego, misunderstanding, power. but, we know it is hurting us! ..anyone back me up please. amen! :-)

    so, the issue is really complex. it is not like: X^2 + 6x = 0 X(X+6) = 0

    my little algebra :-)

    Ted: So, what is LATE when it is LATE!? who determines the age for A/Habesha woman to have both Romance & solid relationship at the same time?

    So Long.

  25. 25 celebratelife

    Thank you for your input everyone! I was not at all referring to the divorced or widowed parents here I’m specifically talking about the women who get pregnant because they want a child regardless of how the man feels about it.

    Let us not be in denial a woman does not just wake up one morning and decide this is a good day to get pregnant or I never want to have a child. Women know early on whether they want or do not want a child. For those who have decided they want one may not have decided when or with whom but that they know they want one someday. That someday for some, unfortunately, is not in sync with the guy’s time clock. So for those late bloomers who want to focus on the career and self improvement and wake up one day maybe in their late twenties, thirties, or forties and panic “oh my God time is a ticken on by and my eggs need a daddy” make sure the daddy also wants to be a father.

    I don’t believe in mistakes if you make every effort to ensure you don’t get pregnant then guess what you won’t get pregnant. So when she says I’m protected then one day, “oops it just happened” well guys sorry to break it to you but it is most likely well planned out. For the guys who act surprised and upset at the news, maybe you should’ve been better acquainted with that famous contraceptive called the condom.

    We can all come up with every excuse in the world as to why this is happening but it doesn’t help the kids that are unfortunate enough to be born to a mother who made good use of an egg and a father who doesn’t want to be around. The fact is this type of behavior has become the norm and the “welege ebakesh man esun yetebeqal” attitude is spreading like the plague among the late bloomers.

    I am very conservative I don’t believe any child should be brought into this world without marriage. If getting married is not your cup of tea then have mutual respect for one another and make a decision together to have or not have a child. If it is a one sided decision then prepare to take on the responsibility of both parents. We can no longer use the excuse of “if only if we were back in Ethiopia” life would be so much simpler. No you decide if your life is simple or hard regardless of your location. The fact that we live in a society where single parenting is easily accepted and fully supported does not justify our behavior as Ethiopians. We don’t toss our culture/tradition only when it’s not convenient.

  26. 26 name

    Man Woman in this day and age we are all selfish. it does not matter if it is wrong or right if we want it we will just go out and get it. but through out this post meaning all the people who have contributed to the authors article, there is one thing that is constant. We are all heart broken or we will soon be, I guess thats life, to have the type of love, marriage, family outlined in the above comments you have to be lucky in this day and age. Oh by the way why don't these women adopt any way there are a lot of ethi children who need a parent, someone to care for them, someone to raise, you women out there feel like you want to be hero why not do that instead cursing men for not being men?

    EDIT: You choice of nick was changed: Nolawi! 

  27. 27 adey

    Nolawi – you said it right..thanks for replying on my behalf.
    In my view, we have to adopt to the times. We can only change ourselves not the men and not the women.

  28. 28 Zimita

    I too have been the silent browser of this blog till now. What kids really need is a devoted loving parent/s. Those of us brought up by single parent/grandparent end up appreciating the burdens and sacrifices of being a single it would be ideal to have both parents devoted to upbring, nurture a baby, but I have witnessed phenomenal single parents who take the role of both parents,which is incredibly taxing. While being a single parent is not my cup of tea, it may be right for those who are willing to devote that much of themselves. It certainly is much better than raising children in an unhealthy environment!
    MindWithoutConscious: I agree with a lot of the points you made. Education certainly does not make up for lack of conscience, and the world is actually mostly abused by the evil geniuses, aka, educated people w/o conscience…take our country as an example.
    One thing that caught my eye was the three things you listed that “shape our mindset”. I think that explains a whole lot about those of us who have lived half our lives in Ethiopia and half in the diaspora…our upbringing back home and our experience here are in eternal struggle, and finding that fine balance and taking the best of the two worlds has been quite elusive.
    Ted, love and respect are definitely the key, that much I agree, but I too wonder, when do the sisters turn to “christmas cakes”…may be you should consider them as fine wine, getting better with time.

  29. 29 MindWithOutConscious

    Thank You, Zimita!!!
    you got late to the game, where were you in the heated pitch of its bang, bang! :-) ..

    anyways, I will still bring this topic back to life. :-) there is a lot we all can debate, analyze, discuss and benefit ourselves and those who open up themselves to learn. Learning is a process. As for those evil “educated” talk about that!

    dont be too hard on Ted. :-) ..the 3 points really govern each of us. Generation after generation, we Africans have unfortunately wasted dynamism, independent-thinkerness due to the environ, and the household that we each grew up. so, our individual potential have been wasted in despair and misery and live and leave untapped. and worse as you said, once in the West, still that dark chapter follow most of us and haunt us from detecting and resolving our blindspots.

    The rest is history!

    For now….!

  30. 30 selam

    I see no wrong in getting myself intentionally pregnant out of wedlock. Financial security will take time to build on my own then i will feel confident to handle single mommyhood . Then i will intentionally get pregnant to have my baby. If the baby daddy is man enough he will handle fatherhood if not i don’t care. As long as i make sure my child is taken care of by me. I will never be sure if a man will be good to my child. So the only way i make sure my baby will be ok is if i am able to provide for him/her.

  31. 31 ChuChu

    I agree with you Selam

  32. 32 hidaya

    I see no wrong in getting myself intentionally pregnant out of wedlock. Financial security will take time to build on my own then i will feel confident to handle single mommyhood . Then i will intentionally get pregnant to have my baby. If the baby daddy is man enough he will handle fatherhood if not i don’t care. As long as i make sure my child is taken care of by me. I will never be sure if a man will be good to my child. So the only way i make sure my baby will be ok is if i am able to provide for him/her.


    I am not questioning your choices but let me be devil’s advocate in this instance.

    Sometimes what is best for an adult isnt best for a child. A child needs two parents. To love them,nurture them, and prepare them for the world they are growing in when they grow up. Each parents brings different things and qualities to their child’s life apart from the love and nurture which they both ought to unconditionally. Their marital state or lack of it, to me at least is less important than the commitment they give to their child to jointly provide and nurture for them.

    Now it is the case that it doesnt always happen that way,and people find themselves in single parenthood. Let me add that I applaud single parents who take on the job of two people and cope as best as they can, it is a very hard job and I am not sure I could or want to do it by myself.

    Money doesnt bring up children, parents do, it just makes the task that little bit easier. Emotional stability is every bit as important as is financial stability and is constancy in a child’s life.

    Children dont ask to be born, they have rights too, and at the very least those rights should include the entitlement to a stable home and parents.

    You may have the right to have a child, but children have rights and needs too. My feeling is it really should be more about “what is best for the child” instead of what is best for the adult parent.

  33. 33 MindWithOutConscious

    Hidaya said it all elequoently. Our individual’s life recepie are picked up by our individual choices. I or hadiya cannot know what type of lifestyle & vision you have in life. but, we happened to see the same way when it comes to a child.

    It requires individual responsibility to bring a child to this complex world. we, as responsible humans, cannot just bring a child ..and ..say ..
    -EndeEdelu YadeGal/TadGaletch! or
    -i will take a chance if this is gonna be a good dad/mom

    I will never claim that it is easy considering the Sidet-Fence & its obstacles infront of us, but intentionally bringing mamusha/mamits makes one’s life more complex than simple! Besides, one gets a baby doesnt mean life FULLSTOPS there. It is our attitude that determines our life’s altitude!!!

    I think there are great wo/man out there if ones wisdom & effort is being used to find eachother by getting rid of the unnecessary egos, power, and yo-yo games.

    what is the intention of bringing a child? Unfortunate thing can happen. But again, as i said, it doesnt mean life FULLSTOPS there.

    Life has full of surprises in its bags, we never know what happens tomorrow, but we better be sure to be flexible to deal with circumstances as they pop up. They eventually will whether we like it or not. That is when we are tested who we truly are, how we stand as humans. And we have a very good background & value where we come from, unless we think that is not worth to rollback when we need to.

    If there is an intention to bring a child to this complex world, it is really best to do it as a team. What garauntee is there that you can live right after you give birth? What is the probabiltity? who determins your life;s span!? God! So, none of us knows except the creator, as when we depart. So, wouldnt it be wise, to say, if I bring a child, at least for the sake of the child, in case if I depart, let me do my part and be responsible to leave it a garaunteed Dad!

    Besides, Women, should Remove a Mind-SET, at least those sophisticated as in this forum, patronizing men as “man enough” or as if we men can not love our children in the same way or even more than mothers, and as if we are not ready to be single-dads if circumstances happen.

    So, it is not about wo/men. It is on how we are created by nature and also nurtured by our responsible parents.
    For instance, my grandather kept telling me that I shouldnt drink and smoke, when i was at that critical age. He led by example, and i followed. That was a nurture, i appreciate & keep my deep in my soul.

    So, if one, unfortunately, passes away one unfortunately fills in the shoes. That is the proper humane way. But, intentionally for the sake of having a baby, or for the sake of FEAR for not having a cihld? that i am against!

    Isn’t the whole purpose of bringing one’s own child:
    -to not just love them, and nurture them, but also to spend endless times with them to show them a better path than we all went thru & make them a better responsible citizens than us,
    -to make them the BEST among the best of the best than us and make us, & our loved ones more prouder in their achievement than us,
    -so they also become passionate & compassionate about other humans and become voices to those voiceless. Isnt’ it?
    Else, why bear a knucklehead from a knucklehead for the sake of having a child!? He will be as you Selam,or Mimi call it NOT “man enough” :-)

    so why waste your entire life to bring up a knucklehead?

    why GIVE A-Way your Feminine pride, your Feminie dignity, your emoional needs, your physical needs, your spiritual needs, your intellectual needs, your psycological needs for a knucklehead for the sake of having another knucklehead!? but why? Do those dignity mean nothing to you, as a woman?

    Wouldnt your parents feel so proud if you were the best of the best and help and protect millions of young Ethiopian girls from this evil world? They not only but also the entire Ethiopia would?

    Today it is A child within your embrace and race, but tomorrow it’s gotta be ready for the complex, dynamic & challenging and treacherous world. It is how you make it that break it odd or even on this palnet!

    I am very disappointed in Chuchu’s being in sync w/ your view “man enough” though. On her previous posts, I was truly touched by her candidness and openness and saying to myself don’t worry sister you stay good girl and a good guy will come around to fill in the vacuum. But now, dont know. :-)

    Best Wishes.
    So Long for now!

  34. 34 Ted

    Zemeta & Mw/oC, for the most part, I agree with what you all have to say. I was not trying to offend anyone, but I was just trying to send out a message to all the ladies out there. And I don’t think anyone will be able to answer the question “how late is too late?”, but there definitely is a better age than other. That’s due in large part to general maturity. No matter who you are, you will not be the same person at 32 than you were at 22. But then again, it’s how you feel about it. Of course, the sisters get better with time, “become fine wine”, to quote Zemeta, but don’t you think someone has to take the wine off the shelf at the end of the day?

    On another note, I believe both parental influences are very valuable for a child. I know that this is not an ideal world and things won’t always work out as hoped. That is why there are too many kids growing up today with a single parent. And in some cases, as most of you have said, having a bad, irresponsible father can be worse than not having one at all. But, I don’t think one should KNOWINGLY try to raise a child alone. If you model it they [children] will follow it….

  35. 35 hewe

    Been observing this and Kudos to all the good points….mindwithoutconscious, one thing i’ll add to what you brought up on the guarantees of not being here (post 33) is, what if the child has disability and/or needs constant attention…at least in a two parent household, the care could be divided between two parents. It’s not guaranteed that anyone could have a healthy child…..just a thought…
    random: I want to change your name to mindandgoodconscious (smile). Good post celebrate…

  36. 36 celebratelife

    It seems some women now-a-days have very little patience for a relationship but have all the patience in the world to bear and raise a child as a single mother. Now tell me this is not twisted!

    What’s so interesting is that most women who believe they can be single parents also believe they can fill in where the man leaves a void. This is not only impossible but totally and completely foolish when it’s intentionally done. This is not let’s play house with a barbie people we’re dealing with humans. You bring a child into this world and the only thing the child requires is love from his/her parents. Instead of doing what’s right for the child she does what’s convenient for her. As much as this may sound harsh, I consider this a form of child abuse!

  37. 37 ChuChu

    Look around you and see the divorce in the ethiopians… and single mom’s with dad’s visits and all. is that an ideal environment to raise a child? From where is a child going to be learn love if the parents hate each other? I know a family that stuck together for the sake of the children and the money – of course and lead a miserable life… is that what I wish for my children? Not in million years.
    If I wish to have a child of my own and raise my baby in the best way I can what is wrong with it?
    A loving family is all a child needs whether it is from the father or other members of the family.

  38. 38 hidaya

    It requires individual responsibility to bring a child to this complex world. we, as responsible humans, cannot just bring a child ..and ..say ..
    -EndeEdelu YadeGal/TadGaletch! or
    -i will take a chance if this is gonna be a good dad/mom
    I will never claim that it is easy considering the Sidet-Fence & its obstacles infront of us, but intentionally bringing mamusha/mamits makes one’s life more complex than simple! Besides, one gets a baby doesnt mean life FULLSTOPS there.

    Thank you MindwithoutConscious….

    Thank you in further articulating the point about intention. Families break up in life, but at least there was an attempt at creating a family for one to break up in the firstplace, quiet different in deciding intentionally in creating a family with just one parent.

    Who is that state of affair best for?….self sacrifice should begin the minute someone decides to have a chid, that is what a good parent does, do what is best for their child and imposing your choice on a chid seems not what is best for them, to me.

    What is best for a child is the love and care of two good parents…together or apart…no one has to stay in a miserable or abusive relationship for “the children’s sake”, that isnt good for children either, but with good parents a child deserves two of those. To deprive them of so is to put them at disantvantage.

    Hewe good observation in families where there is a disabled child wouldnt the support that child gets be stronger if he had two parents instead of one?…

    36 celebratelife Mar 10th, 2007 at 12:33 am Quote
    It seems some women now-a-days have very little patience for a relationship but have all the patience in the world to bear and raise a child as a single mother. Now tell me this is not twisted!

    I agree celebratel., if one has little patience for a relationship, what hope is there for raising a child without the help of its father?…because that one is really hard and small people lives are involved as well.

    Celebrate even though I agree with you in principle let’s be kind and call it neglect and not abuse, to maybe well meaning but misguided would be procreators who think a child can just do with one parent …emotional neglect by not being provided with a set of two parents that a child needs, but I get your point.

    Happy friendship week to you all..

  39. 39 MindWithOutConscious

    Good Points All !
    Thank you Ted, Hidaya, Celebratelife, Chuchu and of course hewe. :-) .. i have got few minutes before heading out Hiking (It’s been beautiful in our sunshine Bay Area :-) these always!

    Hewe ..Mercy for the new name but I dont deserve it, so I stay with what I earned. :-) But, if you insist I may consider it. .. i.e. MAY! :-)

    Chuchu: I can sense, that you sound to be a very sincere & good human being with good heart. Your post(4) & (18) really touched me with their candidness & openness. To go back to them, the household you grew up reflects millions of ours. You ARE NOT alone! My sister used to be beaten up by my big brother and I too to some degree, and in fact once I met my brother again in the US I wanted to beat the hell outta him up since I became a weight-lifter :-) . why not! Payback time! I stayed bitter for so long.

    But, I sat and thought with reasons. I stayed away from my brother so I forget things, and progressively claimed my inner peace and moved on with my life’s progress.

    There are things that need actions before delving into them, .. say .. not bringing a child for the sake.
    And there are things that need actions after delving into them & after seeing their end-result, .. say .. a good romance & Relationship that went sour.

    If one can’t see it coming then, one can only pull oneself out afterwards, if it doesn’t work. That is what progressive life should be. Learning from life. We are humans, we make mistakes, and that is what makes us Humans!

    SO, Be STRONG homey, you will just be fine. Never Give up! Millions of us went thru hell as kids, due to that messy African politics, poverty. With all the potential we Africans have, a FEW make us destitute in mind, and resource. That life experience itself stick in the shelves of our conscious and cause us sleepless nights.

    So, let it become our choice to be strong & progressive to move on as we continue will face challenges in life.

    I will never claim anything is easy, since we know it isn’t. But, what choice do we have except being STRONG & tough & optimistic! Giving in, no way! :-)

    May you all have a Sunshine day!

    So Long for now.

  40. 40 Elba

    Right on my man!

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