This happened several years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday….. I received a call, “leqso endetedershe, ye Selam ehet arfalech”
I said “ Ehet? What are you talking about she doesn’t have a sister she only has two brothers. Which Selam are you talking about?” She replied, “The Selam we both know.” At this point I was totally and completely confused then I thought oh ok some Ethio’s refer to friends or cousins as ehetoch. I didn’t want to ask too many questions as I knew it wasn’t her sister but a close friend or relative.
So I go to the leqso and it was a very sad moment. The family was uncontrollably crying. When I saw my friends, I asked “guadegnwa nat?” One girl said “nope we all just found out Selam had a sister.” Say what? Supposedly only few people knew of Selam’s sister and our group was not part of the few people. We knew Selam very well so this was a true shock.
Selam, her parents and two brothers live in the US and her sister, Meskerem, was left behind in Addis.
Yes, unfortunately Meskerem was mentally and physically challenged and was never part of the family photo’s or gatherings. Never, ever mentioned not even in passing by Selam. She has always referred to herself as the only girl.
At this point, I was disgusted and deeply saddened that just because her sister was challenged she was a shame for the family.
Why deny Meskerem the family she so needed to help her deal with her challenges? It was almost like she was born and died the day of the leqso. I was puzzled and mourned not her death but her life. This girl lived being rejected when she needed love and loved when she died.
She was supposedly locked up in a room away from the public eye. She was only 27 years old when she died and I was told she died of natural causes. I assume the natural cause may be rejection or depression. I don’t wanna judge and ridicule the family but I was very sad that day beyond the leqso.
I was confused as to why there was a leqso at all for someone they never acknowledged as part of their family. Guilt, is the only answer I could come up with.
Til this day I never got the answers to the why’s but just feel for Meskerem and what she must have gone thru in her 27 years on earth. I often think of her and how life could’ve been so different if she had also had the chance to come to the US.
Selam’s sister finally had a name, a face, and the acceptance she craved from her family and the world. When I saw her photo I saw a beautiful girl with beautiful long, braided hair and she had eyes that longed for love.
Even though it has been several years since your death, RIP Meskerem.
names and some detailed have been changed to protect the identity of the persons involed!
Published by September 28th, 2007 in Family.
Libby – As usual you amaze me.
Quite moving and so honest about us.
Our culture makes it difficult to accept our challenges.
We live in hiding.
i had a mentally challenged aunt (Elaini) who died way before her time due to medical complications (she was also epileptic). thanks to my grandmother being the ultra modern and christian woman that she is, my aunt lived a life where she was not subjected to the stigma that comes along with this illness. i understand your confusion. but to the guilt that the family went through. i unfortunately cannot sympatisize with them though. it’s a shame really. why bother acknowledging her life after her death??
Unfortunetly, this is not an uncommon story that you tell. I knew of a close family friend, that never talked about his brother. Like Meskerem, he too was locked up in one room and given food, but never interacted with other people. The different taboo’s in our culture make life for families like Meskerem’s and my friends family hard. Its hard not to judge at the same time, we would never know how it feels to walk in their shoes till we have experienced it.
Celeb,
This is such a sad story but unfortunately it is not terribly unique. The mentally disabled are too often regarded as being possessed by the devil or being a family’s curse, its shame. So what most families do is hide the “curse” from the world. Growing up a neighbor had a son who I think was Autistic. I commend his family for not locking him away in a room somewhere. I was pleasantly surprised to see a school for autistic children when I was in Addis a few years ago. I later read it was started by a mother who had an autistic child. http://www.unicef.org/ethiopia/ET_Feature_Joy_Nov_06.pdf She had a difficult time finding schools that could handle his situation so she decided to start one. Hopefully with people like her and a lot of education and exposure the stigma of mental disability in our culture will lessen.
Indeed, God rest your soul my sister.
Gin Gin you guys this is not really about the fact Meskerem is Mentally challenged eko… this is about the privacy issue… Abesha people are too fuken private for their own good…
The fact this I have friends who had never told me that they had a brother or sister… that are not mentally challenged but they were not close because their dad had a mistress long before she/he is born and the mistress had a baby and then went to europe… minamin so they have a sibling they have never met.. but they fail to mention it when they talk about siblings. minamin
does this make sense
Nolawi,
I can understand not talking about a sibling they never really new nor grew up with, therefore did not really now. I don’t think their behavior is really a huge deal… I think the situation is like what Kiki said there is so much stigma and taboo attached with disabled children/people… the fact is no matter how private Ethis try to be about things like that, neighbors always know what’s going on, but they too believe the family is doing the right thing by hiding them, because if they were in the same situation they would.
I think the hiding comes out of fear of rejection from society, and loosing status within the community.
i don’t think it’s a privacy issue. it’s a “sew min yilenal” issue. some abesha people are so worried about what other people think about them, they really don’t have a sense of who they are. i, on the other hand, have been inflicted with the “gedel yigbu” issue. it’s nice, people should try it out sometime.
oh please nolawi its not about bing private. its about hiding everything so that everyone will think your life is the best!! its abuout our people lying and presenting a false version of themselves. if there is one thing i detest about our culture, its this. i dont understand the need we have to pretend to be something we’re not!! in this case its more common even in other cultures. those who are mentally challeged are ostracized from their community. but in our culture its far more than this. we hide rape, abuse, and pretty much anything that might “look bad” ahhghhghghahhahhghhg!!!!!!
[quote comment="82014"]i don’t think it’s a privacy issue. it’s a “sew min yilenal” issue. some abesha people are so worried about what other people think about them, they really don’t have a sense of who they are. i, on the other hand, have been inflicted with the “gedel yigbu” issue. it’s nice, people should try it out sometime.[/quote]
AMEN!!!!!!!!
Very touchy piece Celeb.
It is unfortunate that our society has so many stigmas and taboos but what is so amazing and so sad to me is, that we Ethiopians are big on lekso, arba,….and we don’t even care, love, help, or give attention when people are alive and needed it. What good is it to have all the hoopla hoo after that person passed away? It irks me to no end!!!
I don’t even sympathize with people like on your story; they irritate me for having a show in the name of a forgotten kid.
I think usually mental condition in Ethiopia is expalined through superstition .Ethiopia being such a damn religous country ,who ,in their right mind ,would like to be called that they are being punished by God for committing some sort of Sin ?
I also think partly it has to do with lack of proper care and study in the field that looks at the Ethiopian Context .The definition of Science in Ethiopia by itself is very physical.Todate the fields of psychology and Sociology are not considered as important .The Whole dame country has 8 or 9 psychiterists,If I am not Mistaken .
Anyhow, Its so shocking to see the statistics of mentally challenged in the country and its growing .Just Google it .
Good one, Celeb
Perhaps what we should ask ourselves is how do we react when we are confronted with such issues, r we open enough to make other comfortable about some of their miss fortunes and imperfections in their life and still maintain good relationships with all that they come with? or do we distance ourselves from them and their families? Why is not comfortable for those with half bro/sis, divorced parents, mentally disabled …. I question the integrity of a friendship if one isn’t comfortable enough to talk about these issues.
I understand for the families in Ethiopia too feel the need to hide or not talk about a mentaly challenged sibling, they live in that culture. BUT for those who are here like your friend who I assume is young & educated living in THE US to act in such a dispicable way is very sad. Not to even aknowledge her existance to friends… I can’t understand not sympathise. Yibass bilo demo leqso teqemTo malqess min yibalal. I can understand the loss they might have felt but they should mourn & aknowledge her in private even better in hiding as they did in her living.
The kids are incredibly cute and so full of life….
There is always two sides of the story in everything I guess. I am not trying to excuse Selam and her family, we as a society have to be accepting of people that are different.
I have a special daughter(she is mildly autistic and has some other developmental delays as well) who is four years old and one thing I can tell you is it is very hard to try and make people (the Ethiopian community especially) understand that she is the way she is because that is the way she is!!! We tend to be very judgemental and critical of eachother. I can assure you that there is nothing in the world I would like to do including giving my life for my little girl to grow normaly like other kids, but the sad fact is she is going to be who she is and I am going to make sure that she gets all the help she needs to thrive. And one thing I don’t want my daughter to feel is that she is less of a person because she is different, for this reason I refuse to take her to places where there are people who might misunderstand her because of her little quirks, or who might try to pass suggestions to me as to how I should raise my dear daughter so that she will listen or follow my direction or not act strangely (like cover her ears and scream when she hears some noise that she interprets as scary). I don’t want to be explaining to people who sometimes may have just seen her for the first time that she is Autistic bla, bla, bla…. that she hears it over and over and believe that she can’t do things in life because of her disability. So I take her to places where they accept her as she is and encourage her to overcome her difficulties so that she could live her life to the FULLEST!!!! I am sure once I unlock this precious girl there is a smart and witty girl inside that is going to come out.
So to come back to the main point of the need by Ethiopian parents it is the MTs, the finger pointing, the unsolicited suggestions, and the judgements that are a factor. Therefore if we as a society need to stop this secrecy we have to do our part, my little suggestion:
1. When you see someone with a disability, please do not look at them with pity, and say MTs, that is the last thing they need to hear, see…
2. Give suggestions and advice when solicited to parents or people in need. If they talk to you, may be they just need some one to listen to them. Better still if you see them struggling ask how you can help. I am sure they will appreciate.
Sorry for the mini Rant but just my 2 cents
I’m glad people are talking about these issues…like always thanks for bringing this issue up Celeb.
I also second Balbo
There is so much myth and stigma attached to it that we need to change not only how the family thinks but how the community and the country as whole thinks about disability.
Someone that I know in Denver who had a disability once told me that his entire life he was shunned by his family and feared by those who didn’t know him. He said to me that “We need help with our lives and you have the power to help me and other like me, one is by speaking out to those who don’t understand and as a result it will have a lasting effect on your life as will be on the lives of those you enrich. Because we are capable of living a full and productive live, and all we ask is not to be judged.”
Mamitu, I hear you. We have so much stigma and we are so critical of others if they are a little bit differet. I know someone that has a disablitliy (deaf), she is Ethiopian. I tell you this girl is a visionary. This girl knew what her life would entail if she stayed in Ethiopia, most porbably she was going to stay at her parents house and be the clean and the cook. So she begged her mother to somehow get her out of that country. Now that girl is a grown college graduate woman, married with kids.
So I tell you, with the right environment and proper guidance, God only knows where your daughter might be in 20 yrs.
While there have been and are many family stories like this, i think it’s also worthy to note that there are local visionaries who see gaps in the social fabric of Ethiopian living, and try to fill those spaces. This is in reference to a short article i came across about a group of Addis Ababa university graduates who established an academy engaged in providing counselling services on issues of sexual Psychology, Parental Psychology and Social life & Communication skills. Go here for more: http://www.capitalethiopia.com/archive/2007/september/week4/feature.htm
Kudos to them!!
Oh my God! What a sad story and a disgress for her families. I have a mentally retarded sister. she is in her late 30ties. I am by far her younger brother. I can’t hide you that when I was a child( elementary school boy) I was not comfortable to be seen with her on events that include my friends. However, that was only an action that evolves from a childish and infant mind. Right now, I swear by the name of the almighty that the one thing I greatly treasured in my life is to go for a long walk with her, have a drink and buy her icecreams and care for her. It really gives me the pleasure of being somebody who is doing the things that my elder sister would have exactly done for me if she was blessed the health that god deprived her from.(Fuck!)Any ways, there is not a single day that passes without talking about her and the funnest things that she did when we were a child. Even if I am now living far away from her, I still remember and sooth my longing by remembering the happiest moments that we shared together.
So…celebratelife, your story has touched me a lot..you made me speechless. I really don’t want to associate this evil act with the psychological make up of abesha people. It only shows how people could sometimes be so greedy, extremly egoist,nonsence, unreasonably blind and cruel to their own flesh let alone to others.
I wonder if you talked with this friend of yours after that event. If I were you, I would definetly went some place where I couldn’t see her.If she is so ashemed and cruel on her sister, how could she be be nice to others. Living Beast!
Wow. It is so easy to judge others, isn’t it? Who knows what Selam’s family had to go through in a society where mental instability is very much misunderstood? Abesh-och are not bad, mean-spirited people, but there is lack of information as far as psychological well-being is concerned. I think the first step is to leave behind the belief system that anything “bad” that happens to us or to others is a punishment from God.
We are bad = God is mad = Bad things happen to us = Everyone knows we are bad and shuns us = No family is an island, therefore, let’s hide God’s “punishment”
By the way, being concerned about what people think is not a abesha only tsebay, it’s worldwide epidemic. Does the TV show “keeping up appearances” ring a bell in anyone’s ear?
M’Lady Thanks for the site
Moi– I agree with you 100% and I also think it is important to note that The U.S. was in this same predicament a few decades back….
Also, what we often label things “abeshoch” do or ye’abeshoch metalitly, if we step back and look, almost every other culture dsiplays those behaviors.
Another point to look at is here in the U.S. having a disabled child is not the end of the world because they have all the necessary help (medication, accessbility, school and all) but in Ethiopia or any other third world country having another “normal” child is not easy…let alone a disabled child (i mean aside from what Moi mentioned)
I love this short story a mother with a disabled child wrote…..and hope for the day that ppl in Ethiopia can feel the same way
http://www.ndsccenter.org/resources/package1.php
Lets not be too haste to judge people. Can you imagine the mother’s agony? What mother would want to lock her daughter in a room for 27 yrs? I’m sure she had to have been forced (BY US) to commit such an act, if indeed that is what truly happened here. We are so eager to stigmatized the whole family & then turn around & reproach them for hiding the issue in their Gibi. Try to resist this temptation to pass judgment/convict. Instead of pointing our “arrows of condemnation” at this family who obviously were dealt a tough card in life, we should look at ourselves first. After all who are the “Abeshoch”, society, etc… I know its easy to point blame when we put things in generalized terms but we are the members that make up this Abesha-Society. Come on people, lets be honest how many times do we encounter such kids (even adults) & look away, avoid the elephant in the room only to blubber out “Woy miski’N sita’Zazi’N” as soon as we are alone w/ our friends? How may times have we stared at them w/ our piercing Abesha eyes? I specifically remember a member of my own family opposing a proposed wedding because the family had a kid with mental problems & she was worried the bride to be – who had no such illness would pass this on to the kids to come. Her argument was: Why marry into such a family? Why take the risk? Can you blame the Mom from trying to protect her other daughters from OUR “branding“?
And for those who want to ascribe this on lack of education, just look at the current trends in selective breeding. We in the “educated” world are trying very hard to manipulate DNAs to establish a “superior race” by eliminating “deficiencies” even going so far as to abort kids that may possibly have Down Syndrome. So you tell me is that better than hiding the kid from the world? I don’t know but all I’m saying is: It’s easy to say we should do this & do that but harder when put in that same predicament. It’s good to fight for equal treatment of ALL children but even nobler to do it w/o judging the family that fed her & I’m sure tried all they could to make her “whole” for 27 yrs.
Mamitu - May your DREAMS for your little girl come to fruition!
Celeb - Q – What would you do if you went for a sonogram & the Doc tells you, “your kid will be Autistic”? What would your decision be then? As for Coming to America (Eddie in da’house), I don’t know about you but most of us “immigrants” had to come here & WORK. Make it ourselves. There was no established family structure (safety net) to help us in our new life. We ere not afforded such luxuries. So I’m sure they couldn’t just ship her to the U.S. with the rest of her brothers & sisters & tell her to fend for herself. One, last point I want to make is, just because they didn’t talk about her & you were not aware of her doesn’t mean she was “locked away in her room for 27 yrs.” You know the saying: Believe none of what you hear, half of what you read, and all of what you see.
“In judging others a man laboreth in vain; he often erreth, and easily falleth into sin; but in judging and examining himself he always laboreth to good purpose” ~ Thomas Kempis
CDarwin, beautifully put!!
Thank you all for your comments. I want to honor Meskerem’s short lived life. This is not to ridicule or judge the family, whatever reason they had of denying her existence is their choice and my choice to continue the friendship or walk away.
Mamitu,
Thanks for sharing your personal story. I don’t know if you’ve seen the 20/20 special with Jenny McCarthy’s Autism Journey that recently aired. Her personal discovery to help her son with his autism was amazing. It contradicted what the doctors have been telling her and she’s found a small change like his diet made a huge difference. If you haven’t seen it I would highly recommend it and it’s available online too.
Maebel,
I did mention it to her and she had no reply. Our relationship is not as close as before because I had the same exact thought….if she can deny her own flesh and blood then who am I to demand anything more.
You are amazing to have the “gedel yigbu” attitude, as Emebet said, when you relate with your sister and you live in Ethiopia too. It’s people like you that make the world that much more wonderful for all people challenged or not. God bless you and your beautiful soul.
CharlesDarwin,
I have a family member who was born with a rare physical deformity affecting the muscles so that he will never walk or be “normal”. Once the family found out (during delivery) not one soul uttered adoption or rejection. We knew what we would be up against and every member was there from the date of delivery to this day. That beautiful baby had more surgeries before his 2nd birthday then what an average person would have in a life time. So you ask how would I react if I was given the news….I would react no less than if I was told I would have a healthy child because I have the most supportive family anyone could ever pray for. So no I don’t mind being told that. Also it is my belief God would never give you anything you could not handle.
Now at the same time we have extended members of the family who reacted as Selam’s family did and I have chosen to no longer associate with them because of their small minds. They could not see that child beyond his physical challenges and to be honest I can’t see them beyond their ignorance.
CharlesDarwin are you kidding. There should be no room for pity or understanding for what the mother or whole family has done to Meskerem. As a mom she should have know better than anyone else what is good for her daughter. Instead she (they) chose the easy way out and decided to hide her. So who cares what others say ayabeluat ayatetuat. People will talk but thats all its going to be; just talk.
What blows my mind about this whole this is that they all got a chance to come to the US and they left her there. She was probably the one that needed to escape the most, but they leave her there. And now that she is gone they decide to introduce her to the world. Ha I say to big to late.
Thank you Celeb for a touching piece. Thank you for bringing such an important issue to the lime light.
Kewanit, all your saying is easier said then done! to judge from the outside is very easy, unless you walk in her parents footsteps you will never understand any of the choices they made. I am not at all trying to justify what was done is right, but I try to look at the bigger picture trying to understand their actions and I blame our culture and society. Talk is not just “talk” it makes and breaks people and families!
Kewanit – No one is advocating a child should be treating this way but at the same time I want to give the Mom the benefit of doubt here. I just cannot believe a mother would do what was written. So w/o understanding why the decision was made, unlike you, I’ll reserve judgment. You know, tough decisions are made everyday & maybe the family didn’t have the means to bring her here & take care of her. Maybe they barely got out the children that are able to come & work as they establish themselves in a new country. How about the fact the Mom may have had little choice in the matter? Maybe this lady was “thought” to differ to her husband like most women of that generation & he made the decisions for them all. Who know? I wasn’t there so I cannot say. But I know one thing for sure, they hid her from the world b/c of US – the “concerned” abeshoch. Our stigmatization was the cause for that deplorable/desperate act. God, just irks me how we are so quick to summarily convict w/o ALL the facts.
Frankly, I think people should not write things on what they HEARD. I believe even Celeb didn’t have first hand knowledge of what took place in this girls life. She publically convicted the family on the abesha Woré she heard & the peanut gallery followed suit.
Life’s problems are cast in various shades of grey, unfortunately, we seem to reduced an entire spectrum of possibilities down to the two most polar options – black & white. Perhaps, we should strive to SEE these shades of grey and we may come to understand or even better view the world with broader lenses.
Just my 3¢…
I think what we know from this story is that Selam never talked about her sister, Meskerem. Does that necessarily mean she didn’t care about her? That is what most of the comments assume. But, that may not necessarily be the case. We do not know why she never talked about her. What if we were told that she called her every day….she sent her money every month….she cried every day for her….which likely is the case…
More than Selam, it is the judgemental society we are that is to blame…that is what kept her from being open about it. Also, as always, I don’t really want to take this as a strictly abesha problem. I hate that tendency we have to call every problem abesha….
CharlesDarwin..”First of all I don’t like your name” is this a judgment or an expression of ones opinions and thoughts towards a certain type of names? well whatever it is I just can’t deny the fact that the thought is running all over my mind and I always dare to use my mind, to resaon and form my own attitudes and judgments towards a certain actions, ideas, objects, names and everything that i saw hear and touch. but if you don’t chose to use your mind a form a certain beliefs of what is wright and wrong…it doesn’t only mean that you can’t be a judge but also it implys that you are….Ok let’s drop it here because any thing more would be an offesive judgment. “those who are not prepared to judge are not prepared to be judged” atinkugn bayoch yimeslugnal
thank you celebye touching story ,somehow this article striked a chord with what happened in my family ,”the big dirty secret” when my older sister who was 16 at the time ,came home told family that she was pregnant seeing this guy secretly and she was in love willing to marry him oh well my family couldn’t have that they were extremely upset ,It was like as if someone died my mom screaming at my sister ‘how could you do this to us ” it seemed like my parents were worried about what the neighbors would think of them.long story short my mom decided to send my sister to country side of gonder not even the city of gondar ,so we lie to friends and neighbours with some made up story .But the most ironic thing is that both my parents are doctors knowing that sending my sister to the most remote area where infant mortality by far the greatest risk,but they did anyways, she gave birth to baby boy and had to leave him to be raised by extended family [that was part of the plan]and when she returned we all have to act as if she came back from vacation not a word of mentioning the baby ,my sister never the same not the smiley girl any more.fast forward 10 years my mom told me that the boy died of malaria and my heart was broken and i and my siblings never forgiven my parents.by now he would have been 19 years old . I am not in for teenage pregnancy but once it happens you have to do what is best for the mother and the baby screw the neighbors we have to stop treating women who have baby out of wed lock ,as ethiopians call it dequala as the outsiders instead talk to them and make them part of the decision .sorry this subject is different from what celeb wrote but somehow i feel like talking and sharing about it thank you for allowing me.
Maebel - Ohooo…. I guess I should run to the magistrate to change my name. Someone named Maebel doesn’t like my name. Interesting Q though… BTW it was chosen b/c of what I wrote earlier. (Read above if you like.) But that is besides the point… Anyways, I think there too many things running “all over” that mind of yours b/c to base judgements WITHOUT ALL THE FACTS is called IGNORANCE in my book.
“Dare to use your mind” huh? Then I suggest you start by being less trigger happy & start gathering the facts. Right now all you know about this girls life is “she was supposedly locked up in a room away from the public eye,” per the Woré Celeb HEARD. Your prerogative to “dare to use [your] mind, to reason and form [your] own attitudes and judgments” based on this. Just not impressive that’s all. “Is this a judgment or an expression of ones opinions and thoughts towards a certain type of” obtuse remarks? Ouch!
P.S. Me’nekat ewoda’lehu… Just not by ignorant people! Yikrta…
Mamitu said:
[quote comment="82068"] And one thing I don’t want my daughter to feel is that she is less of a person because she is different, for this reason I refuse to take her to places where there are people who might misunderstand her because of her little quirks, or who might try to pass suggestions to me as to how I should raise my dear daughter so that she will listen or follow my direction or not act strangely (like cover her ears and scream when she hears some noise that she interprets as scary). I don’t want to be explaining to people who sometimes may have just seen her for the first time that she is Autistic bla, bla, bla…. that she hears it over and over and believe that she can’t do things in life because of her disability. So I take her to places where they accept her as she is and encourage her to overcome her difficulties so that she could live her life to the FULLEST!!!!
[/quote]
i understand what you mean first hand. i have a cousin who has autism and im very close to his family, so therefore i witness this ignorance from habeshas on a daily basis. it definitely wears you out. some habesha act like he is some sort of alien from neptune and they are extremely awkward around him, to the point that some in a very habesha-esque passive aggressive manner prevent their kids from playing with him. habeshas do give unsolicited mikirr to his parents, everyone thinks their little solution is the answer. sometimes i just wanna yell, “Slamming his face with tsebel is not gonna evaporate the autism out of his brain!!” at one point when he was very young his parents did try out the prayer/tsebel thing and guess what folks, AINT SHIT CHANGED. tsebel is not the fix all be all solution to every damn thing in life.
it’s tiring to even discuss it with habeshas sometimes b.c inevitably you have to go in to a rant about what mental disability is blah blah blah. i dont mind sharing knowledge but it’s tiring when you have to do it over and over and over again. so i see mamitu’s prespective when she says that sometimes isolation from habeshas is a good thing for the child and parents alike. they both have some much on their plates already, why add on additional burden when you can avoid it??
habeshas think that if you have depression or autisim or whatever else it’s a sign of weakness and inaptness, like you 3/4 the person they are. They define who you are by your disability and nothing else. and boy do they pile on the pity, you practically can drown in it.
our culture has a very destructive approach towards mental disabilities and it’s a shame b.c individuals with mental disabilities have just as much potential as a so called “normal” persons but they are not meet b.c they don’t receive the proper nurture from the culture and in some tragic cases, from the family also.
*****here is one suggestion for you all who want to be open minded and help the cause. if you know someone with a mentally disabled child or relative and they need someone to watch them while they go take care of some business, volunteer your time to watch that child or individual. Often family members of these individuals have to deal with a lot of stress and it is difficult for them to find someone willing to take on the responsibility of caring for their loved one when they need it. not only are you helping them out but at the same time you are getting to know the child or adult with the mental disability as a PERSON, an intelligent, capable, multi-dimensional person who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity and not just a mere sickly retard.
usually habesha folks don’t have ill will at heart, they are behaving the way they were taught to. the ignorance is perpetuated within out culture. im glad to see so many folks on this blog who get it. spread the word. with educating our people we can fight this.
Celebrate, thank you for sharing a very touching story. I think we should not be judgmental towards Selam’s family as it may be a very complicated issue. Having a handicapped child born into a family and grow into adulthood is one of the most stressful experiences a family can endure. Parental reactions to the realization that their child is exceptional usually include shock, depression, guilt, anger, sadness, and anxiety. Individuals handle each of these feelings differently and may stay in certain stages longer than others. Some parents perceive the handicapped infant as an extension of themselves and may feel shame, social rejection, ridicule or embarrassment. Parental reactions may be affected by economic status, personality traits and marital stability. In short, an initial parental response may be a form of emotional disintegration. This may evolve into a period of adjustment and later into reorganization of the family’s daily life. Some parents cannot cope beyond the emotional disintegration. They must then decide whether to give the child up for adoption or to place her in an institution. This decision is not easy and is stressful to the family.
We all need to realize that this is not only ye’abesha issue; other races also face this everyday. In some part of the world, very glorifying actions are taken by the child’s parent. Sad but real!
Thanks for bring up this vey important story.
Most of us do agree to the fact of living a judgmental Habesha society. Yes, other culture may share similar traits, but because of lack of education coupled with cultural practices we seem to be very big on the “Yelugnta” department. I agree with the commnet of developing more of that “Gedel yigbu” attitude to balance things out.
My questions to the bloger and reads are: now we know better, what is it each of us are doing to affect change in our society?
How do we react to taboos such as this in our daily lives?
How do we react when some of our friends are open about things that happen in their lives?
Do we really accept them for who they are do we distance ourselves?
What do we do when we wittiness others being judgmental? Do we just listen and say “not my problem” and move on? Or do we say something? I dare you to practice this one in your next habesha get together.
Let us be honest and start asking the man/woman in the mirror first.
tsedu, thanks for sharing your personal story and I’m sorry about your nephew.
This, unfortunately, is not just an Abesha problem. It happens right here in the good ole USA in 2007. The fact that it happens does not make it right. I thank God for people like Emebet’s grandmother, Mamitu, Mabel and others like them for their kind hearts and their choice not to live up to other people’s expectations and treat their loved ones with the same love and respect that we all treat our own.
Charlie, what is the world is this supposed to mean? it goes both ways my friend. if you have never seen or heard of a rare disease or deformity how are you not to be shocked. i’m not condemning staring and pointing, it’s just natural for humans to be curious about things that they have never experienced before. so if people who are different are locked away, how are the “concerned” abeshoch to react? simple solution – why concern yourself with the “concerned” abeshaoch?? you cannot sheild children from being called names, different or not. it’s a sad reality of life.
and for someone who is so irked by quick judgements, you have become the “mankokorya” that called the “dist” black
Charlie sweetheart you sound like the same dude all over the other blogs starting mess to get people all worked up. You rants and insults are starting to sound familiar at least change your style of writing.
and we’re not allowed to make that same assessment. What a hypocrite. If you know for sure then tell us the full story why don’t you.
We are trying to understand why this happened and avoid it from happening day in and day out. You’re moving in reverse direction. Just chill out and discuss.
Celeb: “Try to understand”? By condemning the family w/ the meNd’er Woré you HEARD? All I said was lets reserve judgement. Is that going in reverse?
BTW what I’m sure about is their reasoning for not telling people is due to the stigma we place on such things. I never professed knowledge of any other information. Furthermore, I didn’t make the same assessment. I condemned myself & US not the family.
Wow… you are Something! Instead of defending what you wrote, you insult me & accuse me of “rants and insults”. Get real girl. You know, this is the first time in my life I’m seeing someone be’miNd’u feSu’n si’Fesa. I’d rather not stick around for the number 2.
Your thoughts reek & the olfactory receptors can’t take such pollution… so I’m outta here… Peace…
Good-luck in your “understanding” the complete picture w/ your one sided “discussions”!!!
P.S. I’ll change my writing style when you start “thinking” & produce better arguments that your sorry response.
I have an uncle, my mother’s younger brother, who came to live with us when he became mentally ill. As his father rejected him because he became ill and dagressive.So my mother took him and he couldn’t get better no matter the medical tretment he gets.
despite the medicines he take, He is sometimes agressive that he would physically hurt people even family members and he used to be locked up. I wonder if those of you who say stigma or whatever would tolerate to live in this kind of situation.
I wouldn’t tell my friends about my uncle unless otherwise they saw him (if they came to my house), does that make me less of a friend?
may be selam and her family had to go through a very sad time… may be mentioning their sister would hurt them more ……….
My mother was very hurt & heart broken by his condition and agressiveness …. and guess what he is most agressive towards her… and would you blame me and my family if we don’t talk about him…… would you blame us if we lock him up when he hurts people….
may be you should be in selam’s place to understand what it it means to live with mentally ill people
I’m loving Mr. Darwin…you took the thoughts right out of my head
…..good points
oh and this was funny….lol
Good topic Celeb and has good discussion that needs to be talked about in our society. However, I too want to hold off on judgement on the family as we don’t know anything more than what we are told from a 3rd person. I kept thinking who did she live w/, and if they want to hide everything, why would they have ‘lekso’ and show ppl the pictures- guilt or no guilt, i wish i knew the whole story…and i think there’s that lets quickly point fingers at ‘that family’ attitude. We don’t know!!
i agree w/ Mr. Darwin whew (i like)!! and also Dinich’s point of not knowing selam’s side on #29 comment…
Nice discussion by the way.
[quote comment="82729"]
Celebratelife, you lost me w/ this one (#38). If you want to discuss then do so but don’t be petty. I liked the post. But I wish there was less judgement on Selam & her family.
Sir Charles, you make great points & I just love love love your writing style. Funny as hell too. Please come back.
I was just watching CNN and they were talking about mentally/physically disabled in China. The president of China was quoted saying, “disabled people give birth to stupid people”(not sure when he said that)…Chinese people also hide their kids because of all the stigma/taboo attached with it. I think its very interesting how this problem is not only one within our community, but also one seen within other communities.
I saw that too, Keremela. Here is the link for people who want to check it out:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2007/10/07/vause.disabled.dignity.cnn?iref=videosearch
Note the man locked away in a room because his parent couldn’t cope.
Very saddening story indeed.In the city i live in i know a family who never dared to bring their autistic son to any social gathering .I did not know their son was autistic (i doubt it if anyone does) they jusst say they don’t go out with him coz he is very rebash .Anyhow i happened to find out their true reason when i one day saw their son being escorted out to the school bus by a special education teacher whom i knew very well.so ppl this is not a problem in ethiopia only.Most of us drag our backward thinking all the way to the U.S.
I have one question for all of you guys .If you/your wife were pregnent and you were told that your unborn child is going to be mentally challenged will you have an abortion or will you opt to have the child??????????????
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