I love my mother. She’s a strong and loving person. But sometimes she is unbearable. As long as I can remember I have translated things, filled out forms, and made phone calls on behalf of my mother.
Although never discussed it was always assumed anything that involved speaking English would be handled by me. Oh I should note my mother speaks English well enough to get whatever she needs done. In fact I’ve seen her do it and been amazed!
Recently, I find myself frustrated by the list of things my mom has for me to do. My day is already full with the crap that I have to get done without anything else added. Also, it’s bad enough she asks me to do things at the most inopportune times, but then complains if it is not done to her liking. I believe beggars can’t be choosers; you want it done differently…do it yourself!
Of course I can’t say this to my mother, or so I thought. I uttered these very words this past weekend. I was annoyed and frustrated.
I am tired of being a fulltime secretary for tedious things. Furthermore, the one that irritates me the most is when I’m volunteered to do things without my knowledge for other people!! This is my mother, “Oh, weey Mittu tadergewalech.” Or “Your child is not doing well in school? Ok Mittu will tutor him, Mittu will write you the letter, Mittu will take you to work, DMv, airport…Mittu will do this or that…”
BEQA!!! No more!!! Mittu is no longer available.
There is no concern what so ever for my time or for what I might have going on…nothing.
The more I think about it, it doesn’t make sense. Why is it my mother has lived in the U.S. longer than I have, yet I’m the one who handles most of her dealings? I’m not the only one either. My friends and I spend hours complaining about this very thing. I have a friend whose mother refuses to get an oil change on her own. So not only does my friend has to get the oil change but also has to remember when the oil change needs to get done.
My other friend’s mother refuses to pay the bills…instead she makes her write out the checks and mail them. These are things they are very much capable of doing. In fact doing it will give them independence; they don’t have to wait on anyone to get it done for them.
I understand our parents needing some help now and then. But to be completely dependent on your children is ridiculous. Additionally, it’s the entitlement that they feel; since I am the daughter then it is my responsibility. It’s ridiculous. Why don’t our parents want to be independent and do things for themselves?
Published by June 29th, 2007 in Childhood, Family and Personal.
meron ,girl i love the article ,I admire your courage to come out say it ,I and my friends feel the same way from translating almost all application and filling out to making phone calls to many places on behave ,I can understand if my mom or my aunt do not have proper education {then i can help}but they have college edu. back home ,may be long long time ago but like you say they do not attempt to try .and you know if my mom see this she would say ,I am your mom respect……good thing is she might even ask me to translate this article lol.
Wow, Ye Bole lij. This is too much how you can say its “ridiculous” for a mother to be dependent on her kids! Kids are supposed to take care of their family; it called pay back, (Turta). … Azenalehu,
Meronsha, I am impressed with your courage. you know the tabu in our culture… we have to keep personal thing private minamin… anyways this is so true… they need to get with the program and understand that time is actually a very valuable asset… etc
Meron, that was Great ! U cracked me up and reminded me of the time when I lived with my aunt…A time where I was volunteered for everybody and their mother.
It also reminded me of this Vietnamese girl I knew in college, who lost it and got sick because of the same problem. Just like all of us, she took a lot of responsibilities not only for her immediate family, but also for the extended families and friends of her parents.
At some point, it got to a point where she couldn’t take it anymore and she lost it and had to be hospitalized. Her engineering classes, her part time job and her household responsibilities were more than enough to handle….. She had to drop out of school for a yr or so for counseling and therapy.
Our case might not be as bad, but it’s always good to have a limit and let our parents know what’s up…….
Great article Meronisha. Although I can not relate to your story because my mother is very independent. She is actually the one who runs around and does for others. She has been retired for a few years but she is as busy as she ever was. As a habesha, it is very hard to stand up to your parents and also to do it in a way that is respectful. I applaud you for doing so. I hope your mom understands and keeps her requests to a minimum from now on.
Well… I’m sure many us can relate to this but you can’t completely hang them to dry and fend for themselves. You do have a certain level of responsibility and although it’s good to be a little more vocal about your time, they are somethings that you should be willing to do for them… within your own restrictions!
Parents are just scared to be on their own. Our culture definitely promotes dependence and it’s just difficult for some parents to stand up for themselves and get things done.
Something as simple as calling the phone company and getting a refund, or having someone repair the line seems easy to us but to them it’s terrifying having to explain themselves (when they don’t feel articulate with the accent) and when they’re told NO they don’t get an attitude and get what they want done knowing it’s their right as a customer.
So… yes it’s unfair to have to take your mom and her friends to lekso and wait, to the hairdresser and wait, MAHEBER and wait but if she’s scared to get on the highway… really what does it cost you to grant her that one wish so she gets a chance to socialize and feel like she’s home for an afternoon??? You have other engagements… offer her a one-way ride and she can take a cab or public transportation!
It’s true your cooperation is abused sometimes but you also have to compromise and meet them half-way. It’s not always easy on them either… and sometimes it’s really just a way of keeping you around the house and off the streets
Just a thought!
Nice article Meron…those are things that come with living at home or with your family/mom/dad etc.(i think)….. Merisha try saying “betaam I would love to, geen I have to do such and such for school (or whatever you’re involved in like work etc)” when you’re volunteered to do something for someone else next ena be firm about it. and saying NO is really acceptable to other people just be nice about it (weyyy betaam dess yelen neber GEEN…)
my father always likes to tease me by telling everyone that when i was 7 and he told me he would come live with me when i’m an adult… that i said i would put him an retirment home. he said he got the hint and started working very hard on having a healthy retirement…
point being
the culture is based on family and interdependency, parents do this to have you at arms length… they don’t want you to go.
it has absolutely nothing to do with your personal time, a form or a specific task its just a means to keeping you in their lives.
Eyob–im actually ye’Piassa lij…i couldnt even tell you how to get to bole…
i really dont mind doing things for my parents eko… really i dont. its when they ask me to do things that they really can do themselves that gets on my nerves…if i have the time ok, but when i have to work, have finals that week, or its my best friends bday…then come on?!?!?! be a little considerate…
like yesterday, i couldnt go to work because i had pick up my mom friends kids that flew in from Ethiopia…FROM NEW YORK!!!!!!! you think they would tell me this a week in advance, at least a couple of days, but no the night before!!!
as if thats not enough, i had to go pick her up from Reagan, driver her to maryland and drive back with her to arlington…
when i said hey i have to work you know what they said?
like i dont need the money…and you seen gas prices lately??
my mother’s idea of a compromise is her getting her way. i really do appreciate my mum and everything she has done for me. for the most part i can deal with stuff that she needs to get done. its when im a charity she passes out to people that i cant take…
currently i have 2 jobs, school, and bernos…i hardly even see my friends, in fact we have to set up a monthly meeting so we dont lose touch. and my mother knows this well…but still
meronye tset belew nuew… you know most of these people have one easy corporate job and then the rest of the time they lounge around… if they don’t understand, its because they are not in your shoes…
Mister.mayhem: Good point.
Meron,
my question is:
How would you, as a new generation, perform, say, for instance, in a NASDAQ floor, with all empowerment and exposure that you currently have had:
-your intellect, your in-control of the English lingua, MOST of all, the quick adaptation that you have come to grasp (by knowing how to CARRY yourself comfortably and confidentally without feeling your human pride & dignity being exposed to ridiculity.)? How would you?
if you had been put there but feeling and convincing yourself not having the necessary tools, may be you do but not discovering it? would you feel incapciatated? would you feel intimidated?
our culture for sure creates that co-dependency mind-set, but, as a new generation, and liberal mind (am assuming), you may have to come with a plan to DELEGATE your mom’s responsibility to her without exposing her to the other dreadful things that threatens her Abesha feminine pride, and human dignity, and intimidtaes her and make her feel like a fool.
after all, it is our pride & dignity that we worry. Didn’t you feel that on your trip, according to your “God bless America” article?
Can you see the burden of culture, lingua, not being able to carry oneself to local’s culture, that inner soul’s restlessness, that endless paper work that your mom as an adult had not had to go?…all these burdens, she fells can be with no stress can be handled with her little girl that she can easily adapt and may have easily adapted …etc ..etc… so feel her feel…
besides, if we all had been back home, we would not even have heard this, ‘cuz that is part of us, us, by defulat it is us and ours. But, here we have to be realistic and deal with a different life. after all, we all dream to have a good life, defined, and pursued by our individuality.
take her to a nice sunset picnic and have a mom-to-daughter deep chat… who knows..maybe you don’t know it ..she is feeling abandoned…not feeling her little girl’s love & attachemnt and holding on to her in the only way she knows….losing her home, culture is enough burden itself… you came here young..and your attachemnt is here ..so you may not see hers pursuing the local dream….
My Denbulo!
Good luck.
[quote comment="57632"]meronye tset belew nuew… you know most of these people have one easy corporate job and then the rest of the time they lounge around… if they don’t understand, its because they are not in your shoes…[/quote] m”"
Don’t you think you are generalizing.!? Corporate job itself is daunting. who says it is a piece of cake!? you deal with so much including prejudice..and so forth.
what tough thing than dealing with psycological warfare?
To your surprise, many work/ed, two three jobs to support themselves and family while in college and after college.
I think the issue is deeper than that, mainly, the way our culture (like most collective mind-set) is th eproblem.
One example for instance: Does our culture have concept-of-time, does it?
Generation after Generation is is governed by it? Even those who came to the West at very early age, surprisingly, are governed by it. what does that say?
we have no respect for time, and ….the rest is …
i agree w. mindwithoutC that’s a cop out nolawi… this isnt a race to find out who has it the worst. it quickly becomes a devisive and ignorant game.
wow…I am very sad to read this article…one thing u need to remember is…your mom won’t be around for a long time…why do not you feel honored to serve your mom instead of complaining…do you think you got where you are by your hard work….your mom has paid the price and moved many of the obstacles and trials so you do not have to face it…as you have said that she has lived in the state longer than you have! I do not know how you see it but it is a great honor…and if you really really really think about it and be positive you can help her BECAUSE there is always something to do of yourself (we live on the go- go place!) so it is ok sometimes to hold on to your to do list and serve your mom. Please read Exodus 20, the 3rd commandment is (children obey your parents) also Ephesians 6:1-3
1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
I do not know where you stand….but I am a young women in my mid 20’s, have a good career, take a couple of classes, have friends, have churches, have my duties at home but still serve my mom and sometimes I regret the times I did not do a lot to my mom…because we all get older…
Hope you understand
peaceethio–please give me a break. i grew up in a pente home so this is not a matter of not obeying my parents or neglecting them. i never said i didnt appreciate my mother and all she gave up for me. maybe i should give you an insight…for the most part i manage everything that goes on in our home, but it gets to a point where you no longer can do EVERYTHING!!! im the one who goes to parent conferences for my brothers, attend back to school nights, and check grades, check if homeworks are done…i also make sure the bills are paid, manage her account and schedule everyone’s doctor appointments…the kist goes on…
in fact at 18..i was the soccer mom. so its furstrating when i do all this, and go to school, and work…that i have to take reponsibilites for other people’s crap.
in addition i think itd be good for my mother to do things for herself. when i was in NY she managed just fine by herself. so its not a mtter of being unable to survive without us, is a choice that they make because if they can get someone else to do it, why should they do it…
MindWithoutC–its that thinking that gets me going and still continue to do thigns for her. but seriously shes not that incapable of handling things…
now most of you did mention her not wanting to let go…that never crossed my mind…
I don’t think it’s a matter of not wanting to let go, but it’s a matter of getting used to. Parents are people too. If you are used to doing everything for them, it becomes such a norm, they can’t see why you no longer want to do it.
Eyob, if Meron wasn’t they type who wouldn’t take care of her parents, she wouldn’t be in a position to even need to write this blog.
peaceethio, you have some good points, but the ‘your mom won’t be around for a long time’ is not one of them. Sounds like a tactic our parents use – guilt.
Meru, lol! ayzosh!
I wish u were my sis…seriously! u do all that???
You are right, I can understand why you should do it for your mom..but for intina and intina…errr…
Kemirr geen, She must be beTam proud of you…so proud that she can rely on you for any thing in the world….hey, think of it this way, Mittu is mom’s super girl!
So, don’t sweat the small stuff super girl!
Thanks for sharing Meron…I see you have alot on your plate and your still standing strong. Anyway, I think this is the case for so many of us. As long as I can remember and until today my mom still favors me over my two older sisters when it comes to get things done for her.
The funny part is that every now and then my mom will call me from Sweden in the middle of the night around 3 or 4 am which is 9 or 10 am in Sweden. So I can make some phone calls for her. When I ask why she can’t call my older sister who lives 10 minutes from her…she always replies, didn’t think to call her, I will next time and then she will laugh.
Personally I don’t have a problem doing this things for my mom…it is my responsibility. But it doesn’t mean that I dont get frustration at times And I think we all get frustrated at some point or the other with our parents, especially when they have unreasonable demands…I would be lying if I said I never get frustrated.
This is just training ground for what’s coming; husband+kids. And we all know a man young or old needs a mother… what you’re learning now you don’t want to have to start learning tomorrow, or next year, or when you get married, or when you have kids.
Do you see a trend here? How is it that mostly the women seem to see where Meron is coming from. Not much is expected from the abesha male but to show up at a respectable hour for dinner. Nobody here is complaining about helping out the parents once in a while. And contrary to popular belief, they did fend for themselves before we came along, so they can do it now. Everyone loves doing things for their parents, but sometimes you crave the courtesy of being asked first. And the option of saying no sometimes
Emebet so true.
It’s always the girl who ends up taking care of the family. If the parents are back home it’s the girl sending the money. For the most part the brothers are living their lives. It is because we let them do it.
Meron, I hear you.
to be an Abesha girl is hard to be the oldest girl in the family is even harder.
My mom lives in Ethiopia but I am the girl and the oldest, the one who sends money, who calls etc.
My brother lives his own life. calls just on holidays etc.
If I don’t call for 3 weeks it is all drama.
You end up taking care of everyone. My advice to you is if you live with them move in with room mates. They will get used to living without you.
Zemed ena seel (art) beruku yamral yebalal.
Meronye, I loved this article. I can’t relate but I love it! Actually my best friend would give you a big hug right about now.
Her parents suffocate her totally. She’s married with a child but they still depend on her, more than her other siblings, for this or for that. They commit her to things and she’s usually the last to know that she’s been appointed to get the job done. I tease her all the time and say, “you’re scared of your parents, chicken” She wants to hurt me every time I say it but I want her to stand up and speak her mind and tell them how she really feels. What’s so amazing is that she stands up to anyone else but she just can’t do it with her parents.
I on the other hand am a talker and I have no problem telling my parents, “it ain’t happening” They don’t ask for much and when they do I’m happy to do it but there are those moments when you know “it ain’t happening”
Meronye, you have to start telling your mom little by little that you’re not happy with all the requests. I don’t think it’s a good idea to just drop the ball and say “get over yourself, I’m not your slave!” Afterall you’ll hurt her feelings and she may begin to be withdrawn from you and you may then in turn miss her depending on you. Handle it with care.
I must say though I love your gusto in the article. Preach it sista. Wooooo didn’t know you had it in you. Love it!
wudisha that’s exactly exactly what i was thinking
bravo bravo mittusha!
Selamta lebernoswoch;
Its been a while since I wrote last time on bernos. Almost a year. Zare gin le Meron melse lemesTet Nuew Biq yalkut.
Meron, from the way you talk yetebarekish lij temesiayalesh.
I am a mother and so listen to what I am going to tell you.
Some ENatoch, like myself like for our kids to show how strong smart, fast, helpful they are. so we like to show that off so that other people are impressed with our kids.
But that doesn’t mean its right. ITs just how it is. We stretch our kids.
For a good girl like you when you bring up this subject like this, I remembered one thing.
I have lots of kids. Between my kids, one girl is like you very helpful from the day she was four. But me without knowing how much stress I gave her, i use to brag how good she is, how helpful she is and many other things.
When she was 15, the responsibilities were so much that she took care of two of her brothers. She also use to do my accounting for my small business. I basically stressed out so much. I am just realizing this now.
One day after school, she was packing and unpacking stuff
stuff for me. Later we were eating dinner and when we all prayed and it was her turn to pray.
She said, I am rephrasing but here it goes.
At this time, i didn’t realize how much I stressed her out. I kept bragging about how wonderful my daughter is and more.
Meronye, today I finally understand how wrong I was. And I am going to call her to tell her to read this post.
Thank you for writing this, because I learned something today. Sorry, my English is not so good.
W/o tedeneqialesh thank you for that inspiring post.
for those that are not familiar with the w/o here is an old post.
w/o Tedeneqialesh,wow now that i pure compassionate enat ,CAN YOU ADOPT ME [jUST JOKING],I THINK WHAT YOU WROTE IS A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ,AND ADMISSION FROM YOUR EXPERIENCE.IT IS VERY REFRESHING AND VERY RELEVANT TO HEAR FROM A MOTHERS’ POINT OF VIEW .IS IT NOT THE WHOLE POINT OF SHARING OUR EXPERIENCE THANK YOU .
w/o Tedeneqialesh—thank you very much…
you know i felt kinda guilty reading some of the repsonses that didnt agree with me. i spent the whole day thinking about everything my mother has done for me and telling myself i can take this…reading this i realized there has to be a happy medium that i must work to get to…
you know i almost felt like my mother was telling me this…i guess i just want her to know how hard things are for me, you know with school and working. im studying engineering and its hardly a piece of cake and working on top of that, and my family…well it just gets to be too much. last weekend i just gave up hence my comment. i never meant to be rude or disrespectful. i just thought thats it i cant take it anymore…let me get the bad daughter award…i dont care!!!
Dear meronisha.
I go through the same thing with my mom. I have to admit this is how our relationship has been forever. I am sure the same with your mom. It is just that our moms need to realize that we still want to help them but not to the extent we used to. They don’t understand how as we age we have many issues in our lives, and time will get limited. I love her so much. I do but she makes me feel guilty sometimes without realizing it. I tell her I am busy in college it is time consuming. For example where she works she has to go through basic training for the job. I always take the time to take her out to the park so go go through it. I translate it in plain Amharic and we then memorize the english together. Then she practices with writing the answers. I tell her we did good. We don’t have to study too much anymore. Oh no my mom is not having that. She insists we practice it all the time until she takes the test. I want to scream in her face that I got so much to do in college and work. I am too busy and tired. BUT HEll no I don’t got the nerve to say it to her face but she will say ” wey anchi minew tinish benaweraw. I am just frustrated.
The way I see it our mothers have become so attached to us. It was cool when we were young. But now it is not a healthy relationship. Can you believe my mom wants me to spend all my time with her when i am at home. When i get up from the couch to go to my bed she will say ” yet litihegi new”. My god i am still in the house. I am going to my bed. It is a little crazy now I am older.
To break away i applied to far away college way far in the mid-west. I was happy they took me. But mom was not happy. She was sad the whole time. She said ” minew bize timihert bet ale DC andu embi bil lela mokiri. then i tried it it happened. So i am now stuck in DC to please my mom. AT the moment i am so sick of it. I want to be free. I want to live my own life. The way i see it is not a healthy relationship. I am no longer her child. I am grown she needs to realize that.
One thing that must not be over looked is the issue of Diaspora. In my case, my family left Addis, very early and to this day they still find it very hard to adopt living in diasposa. This might sound bizarre to most, but the experience of Seadat, is not easy when you’re old. It has a very powerful psychological effect.
Just compare the kind of live that they had when they were back home, to their lives now. Don’t forget that it’s very easy for the young to, “fit in”, but for the old it means completely up-dating their software, losing their live style or trying to compromise their way of life.
I would not like to hypothesize, but I think they feel closer to their kids, in Diaspora then they would if they were back home.
Anyway I don’t know, but one thing I am certain is that there is no way I would put my family in old peoples home. Would you meron?
meroniye,
excellent article. really respect the honesty, integrity and courage. i am more than impressed by your ability to juggle so many things and do it right. more than impressed…you are a great person and simply a sweetheart. anyone who cant see that from this article and comments is either blind, spoilt or just tunnelminded
Meron,
You are so right. Mine is not as bad. I have tried to show my mom how to email about 15 times, but every night i get home and send about three or four emails for her.
Meron, what can I say?your honesty and the integrity you maintained throughout the article is commendable. It is clear that even as you speak the truth of your mind & your feeling, you are still struggling with certain level of guilt that you feel for being so blunt. One thing I hope you take away from this is that, by no means what so ever does your admission deducts or minimizes your love and the dedication you have to your mother and the rest of the family. That is # uno.
The major problem we as H/Abesha people is that we are TERRIFIED to say ?No?. Yelugnta is a shackle that follows us everywhere we go. We might be a self proclaimed ?enlightened? ones yet we still find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do or can’t do out of a simple yelugnta or the inability to simply say ?no I can?t?. Hmm a thought entered my mind as I was typing this?how about another of my ?grand? t-shirt idea (which btw are being ignored by your highanus:-), Mr. Noles) how about a T-shirt that says ‘Just say NO!’… u the artist figure out a way to incorporate A/Habesh in order to make it more community oriented? seriously I might ask you guys to customize one for me if you don’t take my free idea to your sketching board (and that is a threat;)).
Anywhooo, sorry I digress?
), I was the operator, the secretery, I was the accountant, I was the borsa (taken at every social event, in fact I earned the nick name ?YeEngt MetreYes?)?you wonder why I talk like arogit LOL I spent most of my childhood with them:) now, now I jest take no offence to the arogit comment. See I was so eager to show my mother (who is on technicality my grandmother) my appreciation for all that she had done and all that she has given me that I didn?t mind being and doing everything she asked of me, which isn?t a lot really. I figure it is a fair exchange. But it gets me in a twist when my mom (birth), my aunt and others who have lived in the US for a long time (and are more than capable of fending for themselves) asks me to do trivial things for them. It is not being selfish or anything?I actually get mad for them because I feel that they are giving up power and giving themselves less credit when they think somebody else can do a better job than themselves. Independence is bliss, you don?t have to wait or be waited on? I think it is a virtue we need to cultivate and encourage in our parents. Kedamiwin Andiye newe Yemiyakew, so count not on me but thy self and I will do whatever I can whenever I can because I love you and because I care. I think that is a solid principle to live by?me thinks. Learn to say ‘no’ with out reservation?it is not a crime, it is a right.
I?ve always felt I took the elevator to stairways when it comes to my childhood. And the very same thing Meroniye talked about is at the heart of such fast-track to my adulthood (or as my beloved mom would refer it as tilk sewenet). I was put on a pedestal at a time when I didn?t even earn my dues and a great deal of expectation was placed on me that the burden still follows me?that I somehow have to stretch higher than my reach if not to exact at least to match what is placed upon me. I was the negotiator (especially sega bet betam tekami neberku, shagna shaganwin neber yemisetugn beAfe Choma Segomdachew
An afterthought…
I never claimed to be orignal…
‘I say NO beAmarigna’
coming soon:-)
My parents live in Addis so I can’t relate to some of you guys. But I have seen it with my cousins, and have come to the conclusion that “MOST” of the co-dependent mothers are single Moms. Either the Dad has passed away, is still in Ethiopia or is divorced. So they subconsciously lean on their children as a husband/support system. In a way it is very selfish and self serving at the same time suffocating and frustrating the children.
I love it, love it, love it!
Alright Meron,
. Cause I don’t see my big brother being asked to do much.
Is it just me or parents tend to ask their daughters for a favor (request/order) than sons….may be the ladies get it done right.
As for me, my dad will call me to ask if I could print him a certain article from a website. Then he will call me agin..”Oh, Mamesh, your uncle wants to apply for a job and it needs to be done online so can you call him…in other words fill it out for him. I love the airport incident…so and so is coming from Ethiopia so can you go to Dullas (Almost 2hrs drive to and from) and pick him up…he may tell me this just the day before.
I love doing things for my parents and I know my dad asks me because he knows I get it done….I must admit I like that feeling…when he says…Egziabhere Yestesh , Lege`.
I am not saying he is not considerate. He knows I have to juggle a full time job and school working on the masters.
Mine is not so bad, but Meron I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone….after all we get it all done…be happy with that.
Oh its not just daughters, they ask sons too, I remember a good friend complaining that his mom calls him to call phone company and tell them to change service… same with cable… cell phone.. and etc…
[quote comment="57673"]Zemed ena seel (art) beruku yamral yebalal.[/quote]
Selam,
…and i agree!!!
i can relate to meron’s dilemma. i sometimes feel that i am the ‘errand boy’ of my family and their friends. i don’t mind helping out and go around town for my family, but their friends ? their distant relatives?…. and anyone that comes to see them….???? that is a huge stretch and a bit much.
solution: when it is too much, either move out or learn to politely say “NO”. i sometimes feel like moving to far away state.
It seems to me we are the enablers of this habit. Don’t you see it, it is trying to tear the family apart. We need to have an open communication with our parents. Had they known, what they ask of us is making us inefficient in our lives, angry and depressed, would they keep doing it? Don’t you think our parents love us more than anything else? Don’t they want the best for us? If we mutter under our breath but keep doing what they ask of us, how would they know? Then they innocently declare “my daughter/son is a superhero and I love to show him off to everyone”. It is definitely a culture issue which needs to be slowly addressed. My mother used to give my phone to every one she came across till one day I told her, “Emma, do you want me to call you more often and have a longer chat?” to which she replied, “Endeta!”. So I threw in the punch, “then stop giving my number, it is taking my time away from you. You decide if you want me to call you or EKELE”. Needless to say, it stopped.
meron this not about growing up in a ‘pente’ family or not…it is the moral value…growing up in a pente family does not mean you are w/ a good value or moral…what i am saying is applying what Gods has said…especially as u said growing up in a ‘pente’ family…God did not say obey your parents while you are young or till u live with them…it is a constant law he gave us… i wish i can say a lot about the previlatge of serving your parents…it seems like you have made up your mind and fed up with the whole situation … (i wonder how your mom feels how strongly you feel this way about her?)…
peace
I am sorry i have to say this…especially a person like you who seems have grown up around the word of God…when christ lived in this earth…till death…He full filled his Father (God’s) will…never his will when he had the power…He went to the Cross with obedience…and he learned obedience through suffering…i hope you understand what i am trying to say…i do not believe in pente, ortodox…or other religion…i believe in the word of God and try to live by it…hey good luck…
Meron…God will give you the strenght to do it all….i graduated in engineering and lived at home and worked part time…and belive me it was hard sometimes…2days without sleep and shower just doing project and did my part to make my mom happy since she has done a lot for me at this age…so believe me girl you can do it….Trust in the Lord…. Pls read proverb 3: 4-6. and NOW God has seen that (i know so) and gave me the best job in the field i want, the best company i can not think of…He gives strength for the weak…I will keep you in my prayers for strength…He is a faithfull God…he knows your need.
so of course as i expected my mother read the article…her friends told her about it!!! yupiee–dooo now she wants to have lunch…
i dont regret writing the article. i stand behind it! i just hope she understands.
really–i completely agreewith everything you wrote. nolawi’s mom said the same thing. there needs to be open communication and not just about this…
Yelugnta –i believe that is one of the most negative aspects of Ethio culture.
dawitm–moving out doesnt chnage a thing. i have friends that live in DC by themselves but have parents in VA and still have to drive 45mins to do things for them.
what gets me eko that its things they CAN do…they just choose not to do it.
peaceethio–then this is not about obeying my parents. im not supergirl so there is but so much that i am ABLE to do…and parents should understand that. i have no reservations about helping my mother, so why isnt it ok for her to realize how stressed i am…instead of me killing myself? i honestly dont think she realizes how much she asks of me because i know my mum and if she did shell back off. but its the culture that makes her unable to understand my situation.
Meron……I really like your articles….they are well written, personal, real and something we can all relate too…
Thank you very much for your contribution on Berons, and keep up the good work….
Hey Girl! I like your blog. Really.
I sensed some animosity toward your mom. How can I say this softly. ” You are bitter. Girl friend.” This one, did not come out right.
Anyways, next time. Tell your mom your concern lovingly. May be she doesn’t know that you felt this way.
I know some, about being a mother myself. And a daughter too. So, be honest with your mom.
It’s hard, but the truth will set you free.
ww, I don’t know how you got bitter and animosity from her article. Those are strong and very negative feelings towards another person. She made it crystal clear that she loves her mom and have no problem doing things that her mom needs. This is simple frustration mainly the request has extended to other people.
Meron, I am sure the lunch will go well if it hadn’t already. Let’s have lunch is a good sign. Her main complaint might be ‘why didn’t you talk to me about it instead of writing a blog’
really – I like your comment and love the way you handled your mom.
I’m with ababiru ! I don’t know how WW got the idea of Meron feeling animosity and bitterness towards her mom.
I don’t understand why some ppl make a bold statment like that without knowing what’s up ? Please Learn !
W W–no animosity or bitterness towards my mom. just a little furstrated by the demands is all…
anyhow had the lunch with mom.. IM SO SURRISED!!! she apologized. she did wish i had not written about it on the blog, but she understood. i was really touched by something she said,
she talked about how it was when we were less fortunate and how we overcame those obsticales and how its our duty to help others who are in need. she explained how in our community we have to help one another get through rough times since the majority of us are struggling. specially how those who recently come to the states or family who are trying to make ends meet need our help and if were in a position to do anything…WE MUST!!! of course i agreed. and in the end she promised to only ask me to do things that she absolutely needs. oh also she said,
what can i say…thats my mother
What a mom!
…see, if we was in good old Addis, and i wrote this kinda article, Mom’s shoe is gonna fly my way faster than i can say complain…but we are in different place and in different times…no matter who you are helping out, Mom, Dad, your sister, your Brother, auntie, and that weird uncle who only shows up on Thanks Giving or even that nice little old lady across the street, there is only so much you can help with, without loosing it. whoever wrote this article, i say you have every right to bitch about your situation…but as for me, when it comes down to saying NO! to my Mom, i would rather just go do whatever she asks, and complain about it later…just remember, there are millions out there who wish they had a mother to bitch about….
Mittuye – thanks nice article. You touch a lot of souls out there.
[quote comment="61914"]Mittuye – thanks nice article. You touch a lot of souls out there.[/quote]
adey: nice to see you back. tsewersh…endale…or kept a lot lower-profile than before.
thanks adey…
Merisha, a great read! cracked me up mostly. All I see here is really, frustration rather than anything else. and I disagree that it’s only single mothers who do it. Infact I know a whole lot of mothers in general who do it,be it single or not. and I also disagree about this not happening if we were all back in Addis…So not true! most ppl in Addis have extended families as well as some with help at home who share the load so it ain’t all about the diaspora and some culture change. Merisha, here is what my Dad told me years back when I complained about my own,
“If you get frustrated and don’t say anything, you would hurt your relationship with your mother, not to mention her feelings should you decide to lash out. But if you let her know how you feel on another day when there is no catering to do, she will listen to you and you can present your feelings without the frustration and is most likely to be understood better”
And he was right. You should try it. when you have this discussion, it will give your mother a glimpse of what you feel instead of what she thinks you feel and she can tell you why she does it as long as you explain, it is all in the interest of better understanding and not rebellion, cos you love your mother.
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