No I’m not talking about importing and exporting items; I’m actually talking about the phenomenon in North America where the Ethiopian American man goes home and ‘imports’ himself a wife.
People say, “He’s a fool! Just give it sometime she’s going to leave him.” And sure enough it is true these relationships don’t often work. People will laugh it off and say,” Yihew! Lik endalnew. She used him and got her papers straightened out … then she’s off to party in the land of opportunity.”
Well this might be true, but maybe not. Has anyone wondered what the story from the other side could be? Yes it’s possible that she may have been running from the poverty, or a bad situation back home. But maybe, just maybe, she might just have fallen in love like everybody else!
What about falling out of love?
What about not knowing what you want in life and realizing that once you are in a marriage in a new country – maybe this is not what you want, should one be stuck in the moment?
Add homesickness, struggling to fit in a new culture, redefining goals , making new friends and starting from scratch – a woman is faced with the double challenge of keeping the marriage work and living in a new country.
The result is a failed marriage. I’m not an advocate of divorce. To the contrary, I grew up in a family with parents married for more than thirty-five years, idealizing marriage. But I am an advocate of choice. In a country where 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, why do I have to be looked at differently?
Last time I checked I was also a woman living in North America and part of the above mentioned demography; a divorced woman. Is there really a higher moral ground for us women being ‘imported’ to keep living the life that we’re not content with?
I completely disagree. In the name of “wereket” I have seen a lot of woman being abused and taken advantage of. And then there are many women who actually have taken advantage of men in the name of “love.”
So they say asmeChina laKi, I say we all have a choice in life. The Ethio-American man going home and getting him a wife made a choice.
The woman also has a choice. Sure, it is the land of opportunities. Use it! Don’t let the term get to you and keep you from the life you want to live. I say to the woman “you once made a choice and you still have a choice — face your challenges and keep living. It’s a beautiful day out there in the US of A.
And no I am not a feminist nor am I a gold digger…and definitely not a slut!
Published by August 4th, 2008 in Advice, Dating and Personal.
I am betam so impressed with this piece – esti lets all open up like this and say express our thoughts…
PS. you know the Ethiopian Society is betam judgmental and thus they are going to assume the worst- on the other hand both importer and importee is going to benefit from a deal like this – so why does this became a huge issue…
….I do concur to the idea that both parties are making a deal here. May be one had their longterm interset as heart more so than the other, but nonetheless a deal was made, and a deal can be broken as such, if and when one deems its purpose outdated. What I would like to see however is the flip side to this scenario, what would our feelings be like if the ethiopian american woman goes home and “imports” herself a man…?…a penny for ur thoughts …..
Wow–why did I read it as “emse CHina…?” yiqerta!:)
I relate to this article–as I have been the asmeChi and yes it didn’t work out BUT my friends and family never said “we told you so.” They made it a lot easier for me to understand that some marriages whether they be created in Ethiopia or here are destined to be doomed.
I have to take full responsibility for IGNORING all the signs that doomed my marriage–so I am guilty. At the enf of it all I learnt that doing good to those who don’t deserve is acually wonderful for ones spirit.
Thank you Ye Bole Lij for this.
Betam arif article…Agree with what was said too….it’s all abt making the right choices. No one should stay in a r/ship out of guilt or anything else other than love…
Soj, if the “asmechi” was a women…”ayiiii Techawetebat” Yibalal and people will say Mts and blame the women for not knowing better.
lol @
The article is a bit mechanical and not emotional at all (that was done intentionally just to bring a perspective) but you brought some humor and emotional touch to it. Thanks EJ.
soj
maybe not .
Thanks for the article yeBole.
and What Soj said. It would be even more interesting to see the flip side of it. The women asmeCHi. I’m seeing more of them… and my feeling stays the same as when the wend is the asmeCHi. Falling is love and getting married can be easy but I hear that maintaining a marriage is TOUGH! And I’d bet it is even tougher when you have one party that is dealing with cultural shock and the other is trying to lead a routine day to day life.
cheb cheb argulat yitay iskistawa…cheb cheb cheb cheb…hahahha…this article is soooo nice.
yebole lij…min largish? anjeten arashiwu!!!!!!!
Ye bole Lej nice article but I completely disagree.
And here the term should not be asmechina laki as there is nothing the guy is sending back except maybe the framed divorce paper. Once the wifey is here she is here to stay.
And if we are talking about majority and not the exception, the fact remains that the ladies know that they are getting into this kind of arrangement just because it puts a visa on their passport. The guys usually go to Ethiopia for a couple of weeks or months at the most. Do you think its enough time to know one person? How can you marry someone you have been with for a short time unless there is a hidden agenda behind it? The situation definitely screams Miss Gold Digger and Mr Desperate getting married….like I said above this is the rule (majority) but like u said in your article ‘maybe just maybe’ there is an exception to this rule. But if a proper study was to be conducted I tell you that this exception would not even be statistically significant.
Maybe that’s why in some European countries unless the couple stay married for 3 years, the newcomer does not get a permanent residence. I guess they have figured that so many of their citizens are fools that can not tell the difference between love and lust:)
Thank you yebolelij for writing an interesting article….
As with few others I agree it is a a deal between two people and it is beneficial to both , maybe one of the parties has an ulterior motive or maybe it is a genuine marriage and marriages fail for many reasons even when entered in good faith and both partners having tried their best to fulfill their obligations should be allowed to move on however that marriage came about…
It is interesting to note that in other societies mainly western ones that the party who would get more sympathy would be the imported spouse, rightly or wrongly the assumptions in these societies is that the imported spouse is the one at risk of being exploited and that their choice was influenced by need and are not perceived as equal partner in the marriage, we do the opposite…
Worknesh isnt this generalising a bit? how do we know all the women want is a visa on their passports? would it be right to generalise and make assumptions about the men who seek brides from home?, because as you do lots could be assumed but it wouldn’t make it any truer to your generalisation of women at home who marry guys from the West and what their reasons might be….and are you honestly suggesting that guys going back home who are more educated, and more savvy in the ways of the world than the girls there that they cant tell an old fashioned gold digger when they see one that is looking for a visa rather than a soulmate and a husband and why dont they put it to the test before getting hitched?…
If it is not a love match and it is done in a calculated way to gain something I really think the power play rests with the guys from abroad rather than the girls home….
what is the difference between lov and lust?
worknesh you have put it beautifully eko? don’t u think this parties don’t know the difference between lov and lust…they know, but they are in actual blanking out of the facts…they are in denail….they deserve each other…
let the asmechina lakinet continues!!!!!!!!
endet yaleshiwu keldegna nesh bakish???
i have witnessed more than 1 asmechina lakinet and truthfully speaking the women themselves told me that they only want the VISA. this is the truth!!
thanking ahead “the ability to generalize”…addis yalech set aynuan atashim to just marry a guy for only his VISA
sewoch all our women in addis are dreaming all day long to marry a guy from the US of A…..and we really ar anable to have them as wuha atachi in our own virgin land at their virginity
let me add more…even the families are dreaming about it..minew indesewu keamerikan bal bimetalish…alemetadel new inji…..
Wonderful Article, really enjoyed reading it. Hope to get more from you YeBole
The reality of it all is the men are too lazy to find a woman in the US and put some effort in making a relationship work. It’s much easier for these men to go to Addis and have their pick of women who are willing to say “your wish is my command”
For the women in Addis I agree with Wurgatu
All in all no one is to blame because each party is doing it for themselves. Relationship is mutual benefit and should not be about making it work only for you.
As Shalom put it
One more thing remember the AA dude on How to Ask Ethiopian Girls out? Even he was fed all the bs about how to get an Ethiopian girl from Addis and make her a wife like instant Oatmeal…add water and voila you got yourself a homemade wife.
I think the men going to Ethiopia to marry cannot find a date in the US let alone a wife. That’s why they don’t believe in dating first before marriage. They have failed in dating so they say why don’t I go to Ethiopia and grab myself a wife. If you notice they bring the women to US and quickly impregnate them so they will not leave them. These men are seriously distrurbed and need thearpy.
When the asmechi goes home to marry, most of the time they end up picking the cutest girl who is some 10-20 years younger. It could be obvious to the eye that she is agreeing to marry the old man for the visa. Once she arrives, he gets filled with jealousy and makes her life miserable. Even if she had thought to stick around to honor the commitment she had made, if he is creating unlivable environment; she ends up leaving and getting blamed for using him and being a gold digger.
Some of them come with the clear planed agenda. That is, once they get to the US they ditch the men and run off.
Some come with the plan to leave, but change when they see they could work it out. Especially if the husband is treating them with respect and allowing them to fulfill their dreams be it school or work.
As all marriages, I think this requires patience, understanding, communications and partnership.
Lol @ Genet and Hilbet
you sound unhappy with a guy goes to ET to bring a girl -
so what he can’t find a girl here- its good they get one from Ethiopia.. this way they will not be alone here…
but its true its hard for Ethiopian men to get an Ethiopian female in the US because we are competing with white and african american males for their attention..
but the males do not get too much attention from american females… and thus I think its a good idea for men to bring as much ethio females as possible in order to balance the playing field…
if she leaves let her leave.. she wasn’t worth it in the first place…
anyways that is my thinking…
Good article;
I was chatting on the same subject with friends at a wedding. The conversation centered on the females going to Ethiopia to get a husband. They are sending shemagele to the man’s family to formalize the proposal. What about that?
As the others posters said most of the time these arrangements do not work even when entered without motives. Cultural shock, adjustment to a new life, and expected to adjust to a married life are a few of the challenges to make it work. Most of the time the communication is not there at all; both sides are hunkered down in their own world planning an exit.
A true store I was told; a guy was waiting at the airport to greet his wife to be; but she went to another destination (to a former boy friend) without evening seeing him for a day. Later got a call not to wait any longer; there are a lot horrible stories like this.
Amazing! I actually admire the guts of the writer to come out and take responsibility for her choice and share her personal story in public- only because I think I would be so emotional and sensitive about it if it were me.
Thanks for the support, all . for those who disagree I respect that too. I wrote this article to say something about stereotyping. And I am pretty sure it is the same way when the “importee” is a man, I just happened to be a woman writing this article. And I am sure you can use the same concept for other situations in life.
Stereotyping is often an assumption based on generalization. And this generalization could hurt people who fall under that group. It could be demoralizing, it could demotivate one from what he / she is able to achieve in life.
Lemisale ,
the stereotypical identification of an AA man is of being lazy . There are various researches done to support this and most times succeeded in proving their point.
Because the fact of the matter is, the AA community has a long history of slavery and different issues to deal with that can feed and make this statistically significant.
Worknesh ,
“But if a proper study was to be conducted I tell you that this exception would not even be statistically significant.”
But look at the successful AA men ! they have gone beyod their stereotypes , and proved to be different . Look at OBAMA! Esti , go statistcs that one.
But social issues can not just be looked at using numbres and statistics and trends. There is always more to it . and that is what I am trying to say … lemisemagn.
And I am not saying these women are perfect , far from that we are not – like everyone is not perfect . We make wrong choices in life , like anybody else .
Thus I asked the question :
Is there really a higher moral ground for us women being ‘imported’ to keep living the life that we’re not content with?
Thats all…
Well interesting article.
I had an uncle import a wife she left just when she got her gren card.
I have known 3 women who went back home and brought back husbands. It all ended up badly.One close friend very badly.
It gets worst when kids come into the picture. It is all desperation.
Marriage in general is not easy, it is even harder when it is with someone who is way younger.
When I was 18-25 I could not see myself dating or falling in love with someone who was over 35 let alone marry one.
I think one will be desperate enough to leave Ethiopia in an asmeci-lake way. To leave the country is the main goal. I will not believe a girl 19-25 will fall in love with a 40+ man in a few weeks. I know for sure that will not happen.
When I went to visit Ethiopia last year I had girls ask me if I have a guy friend who can import them. They were serious. They said it did not matter if he was old, blind or missing any body part!
I will not call them “gold diggers” because not all who are importing are loaded with money.
I think a lot of the women get disappointed once they are here. Life in the US will not be the same as what they see on TV.
I have a friend who was about 21 at the time married a 40+ Gaz station owner abesha from the US. He went to Addis met her, did the wedding over there and brought her to the States. That was about 14 years ago they still live a Happy life with 3 kids and huge house. So the moral of the story is that not all of the Asmechina LaKis end up in a bad situation.There is a happly ever after for a few of them too.
Short story first,
Two years back, a guy from US went back and married my neighbor and made sure she is pregnant before he brings her. I heard she is in total unhappiness now after she had one baby and expecting another one. But she has an option raising the children divorced. For that no option though.
I met a lot of people saying boldly that they want to get married to go to states, from their mouth. One of my co-workers was telling us he would even consider gay person.
If the motive is this… BiQer YiShalal.
i’m a “soon-to-be imported……….. ” and the main goal being to start a life with this person i’ve been seeing for a while that doesn’t want to live back here in ethiopia. i’ve seen life in america is very different and tough, too, so no “as seen on tv” expectations for me. but at the end of the day if things don’t work out for me and my mate it’s just going to be another relationship that didn’t last for ever, just like all the relationsips you and i had before and failed. there may be different stories of people marrying for woreket but it doesn’t apply for all of us. thanks ye bole lij, for telling the other side of the story.
Nolawi, actually I am indifferent to them bringing a mate. I mean it’s their lives not mine and both have made their choices regardless of the intent. What I was trying to say was, not all come with an exit strategy. Personally, I know more people who made their marriages work than not. The ones that failed were a result of jealousy, lack of communication, respect and different expectations or simply not being compatible. it is better to leave and lead a meaningful life else where.
I am also in the process of importing a wifey from Ethiopia.
I am 34 year old average Ethiopian guy living in the Us. I am good looking and doing ok financially but I haven’t been able to have a serious relationship with Ethiopian girls in my age range.
I have tried dating Abesha girls in my age range here but apparently I am not good enough… Atleast that is what my ex told me before she went off and married an african american guy.
And thus i went back home and found another yebole lij who I am good enough for. And she will be here in two months. I am nervous about it but I feel she loves me for who I am as opposed to what I could offer her.
and if this fails, that is ok. a lot of marriage fail anyways.
Asmechi…
If you go with this attitude, there is a high possibility.
Asmechiye!
After reading this blog I hope you learned your lessonS. Try not to control her other wise she will bounce out of your life. She will be exposed to things anyways so Keep her happy at home so she can stay and keep loving ya. Good Luck with eveything.
Oh one more thing,,,,( Please DON’T rush to have kids)
oh please Mastika
i had to laugh hard. when you said they now live happly ever after. You described happiness i quote:That was about 14 years ago they still live a Happy life with 3 kids and huge house. That is not happy life to me. If you know that huge house you mentioned is probably forclosed now. If you check their situation now I am confident their house is taken by the bank. Happiness is not defined by # of children, number of years together or material possession.
Yebolelij – if this is a personal story and you enter into the marriage with good intention and tried to work it out when problem arise, but it did not work; then I respect that.
My problem is people intentionally getting into marriage with motives! Even worse, when divorce comes they destroy their partner. One story I know; the man was accused of being a guy (AA who was married an ET girl from Addis who met her through Internet connection) and fondling with his own child. All this to get out of the marriage!! He lost his home, almost lost his job since he works with children. There is no morality and honesty at all. A lot of greed just to get a visa and get a good life; working hard and improve oneself is not the first option any more. Get a good husband from America who can take care of you. That is the norm this days.
Excellent article!! Now, if only more of us opened up and shared our experiences,u know, sort of as a ‘lessons learned’ kinda thing. I know it would help at least a few women I know back home who are going through hell in the name of marriage – women who think they don’t have a choice. It’s sad.
Once again, this, among other things should tell you habesha men out there….u need to up your game ppl!!
Good day!
This topic is controversial but interesting. Upon an advice from a colleague at work,I came across a web site ‘chinabride.com’ where there are hundreds of Ethiopian gals trying to get their life mate. How many of those were cheated or abused is anyone’s guess. Habesha mail order brides whose numbers and email address could be had for a couple of bucks are some of the most populars in the whole site. I was stunned!
At least those who marry their own kind are going with fifty fifty chance. Imagine the odds of meeting a partner for life in a strange country like Tonga or New Guinea?
lol petite. y’all did you hear? you need to up your game!
yeBole thanks so much for shading light on the other side of the story. we often here tilaw hedech and everyone sucking teeth for the asmechi .. it’s clear that both parties get into the ‘union’ by choice, we are talking about two adults here (not dismissing age difference)
afe kurit yibel! and add to that the age difference, the life-style difference, and (thanks to all the failed asmechi stories and other issues) a partner who has a trust issue from the get go and watches her/his partner’s every move with suspicion, trying to read into all the innocent gestures she/he makes thinking hmm min malet felga new/felgo new .. lack of trust errodes even the best relationships known to man.
anyhow good luck to those who are planning an import, to those who are on the look out to be imported, and to those of us out here who have yet to give up on habesh in the Americas and trying to stay away from the import business. cheers!
“….we are competing with white and african american males for their attention..”. Aha! “Competing”. Really?
Lol. Capitalism = dating game
Of course foreign men are competing with american males for the attention- this is also true in the asian community that most of my indian coworker have to bring a wifey from india becuase indian woman are in demand with white american men.
woman have the upper hand in north america…
My little cousin who is 22 is juggling AA men left and right but she claims later she will marry an ethiopian if she finds one- if not she says she will get an AA man…
and this is true with the most Ethiopian ladies in her age range
Hey Genet please kes bilesh saQi
All that asmechina laki process happened 14 years ago but now in 2008 they are still married with 3 kids and HAPPY. They fell in love when they first met and they are still in LOVE even after all those years melete new in case you didn’t get my point.
Oh man this article had me thinking about this topic almost all day.
Hey Bed_ford, now this was a crazy deal and idea to get out of the marriage. I’m not judging the guy because he’s an AA but I think he might have some serious problem besides wanting to get out of the marriage if he’s fondling his kids as a reason to leave her lol. But seriously why not just divorce her ass and leave her to fend for herself. I wonder if she threatened him or something and he got desperate for any solution to leave her.
What really get’s me is that the asmechi are not looking for the girls who live in the US, who have been exposed to the western way of living. Once they bring the Addis girls then they end up with what they have been avoiding…Abesha girls living in the US exposed to the western way of life. So what’s the point of importing…
Well my initial reaction was shock and sadness, but upon further review (I have instant replay) its obvious world societies moving into the modern era are losing the art of marriage. And my gut feeling is we grow up with so many INDIVIDUAL ambitions, in a society stressing INDIVIDUALITY, in which a person can actually survive as an island unto himself, so how does one develop the difficult dance required to make marriage work. We throw out words like compromise, but that itself is something developed over an individuals lifetime. And most kids grow up far from being trained in compromise, willfully considering others interest, respect, loyalty, love and honesty.
Well marriage is not the only thing suffering, but things like a good friendship, that really teach and train us how to bend and maneuver around each others sharp points…that my friends is a dance. I wish I knew how to remedy these things, my gut feeling is it has to start at childhood, to borrow the saying a good husband/wife is made not born. To all the unhappy couples out there, I say discover your purest motives for getting married, and hopefully work towards those goals. Yet this seems to be an eternal human condition exasperated in a loosely tied modern world.
In passing I find this an inspiring verse from prov. 31.10
An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She looks for wool and flax
And works with her hands in delight.
14 She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15 She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And portions to her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18 She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her hands grasp the spindle.
20 She extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And supplies belts to the tradesmen.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the future.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29 “Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.
31 Give her the product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gate
hi, very interesting!! as the writer said the purpose of the article was to deal with stereotyping … ( refer to her comment No 18)and reading the rest of the comments i came across wurgatu’s comment about women in addis and celebrate life’s, who agrees with him (comments 11 and 12) and im wondering arent u doing the same thing (generalizing that is) i know generalization simplifies things … menamen but what gets to me is when guys who live in the states come to Addis and act like they are the best thing that could happen to you, like every girl they talk to is going to want to be with him for what ever reason. i remember once i was hanging out with a group of people, most of them from the states and their friend whom i’ve never seen before joins us and we start talking and five minutes into the conversation he goes dont get any ideas nothing is going to happen im just talking to u. i must say i was speechless but recovered quick enough to set him straight. So what im saying is keep in mind that there are women that might be after you to use you but don’t go labeling every woman/girl in addis!!!!
1. Two parties fall madly in love with each other
2. Importer falls madly in love, Importee not so much, grabs the opportunity
3. Importer is not in love, but needs a wife, Importee falls madly in love
4. Both parties are not in love, importer needs a wife; Importee needs a Visa
So the chance of the marriage being successful is 50% FROM THE GET GO….And the chance that it was really based on true love is only 25 %.
If here in the US 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and there was only 50% chance it was gonna work from the get go…0.5*0.5=0.25…
Ignoring several variables, probability says 75 % of marriages in Asmechna laki are doomed to fail….
Sorry the Nerd in me…:)
And I completly agree with YeBole…
We take chances in life and we make choices…and we continue making choices…Because we did not make the right choice at one time of our life does not mean we need to keep making the wrong choice…So Ladies, if things r not working…it is never too late to pack up and get the hell out…acctually here in the US of A…U just ask him to pack up and leave…One thing though, make sure nothing is gonna come and haunt u for the rest of ur life…give it all u have to give…so U can say…hey I tried…I really did..:)
Datdude
…Thanks for the versus…I want to be that woman…but i dont think I even have one tenth of her attributes…Yehe hula tebebe sitadele…I guess I was somewhere hanging out or something…:)
Thanks for the probability analysis Totit- betam arif…
Datdude, sorry, but that poem sounds written by man about his mule.
So have you heard that:
1. When women import from Ethiopia a few have brought doctors.
2. The new thing with the men is that they go to Ethiopia meet and marry the girl, have a baby and leave her in Ethiopia. He will go to Ethiopia to visit and stay for 3 monts etc at a time. Comes back work, save money and go back again. I am serious this is true.
A guy told me he is doing just that and he said no reason to bring her to the US. It’s all about control. For him society will say he is married with kids. and that is a +
As a single girl every time I go to Addis I hear “you are not married but why?????
Most of the time I really don’t know what to say.
Bernos people seem to always read my mind. As we speak am in the process of freeing some ET girl who was married off by her brother through internet to a crazy abusif AA man. He even abuses his baby. This girl is knows NOTHING about life, kids, rights, the US hulu neger. Bet zegtew assadigew, then they just throw her to the wolves!! The sad part is this pretty, pure & honest girl wanted the real thing, and could have made an abesha man VERY happy! It just breaks my heart.
Why the honest & good end up with monsters or hustlers.
PS. Sorry to digress but I am ashamed by the lack of Ethiopian community organizations that could help in such cases & the shameful & sad US social, women services!!! Canada is far far ahead!
Trustworthy, non-keniving, not only hardworking but derives pleasure out of her hard work, great business woman, and knows when to venture, Strong and dependable, she plans her days and her weeks, compassionate, and due to her cleverness and her hindsight, most things are taken care off, Stylish and classy, she chose her mate carefully or she married right, wise and kind, and loved by all, but mainly by her husband…. And AnonX where exactly did u see the mule?
Well the proverb is a book written 4000 years ago by king Solomon…a Wise man…and the analogy has to reflect the era…
And It amazes me that a great woman then will still be a great woman now…her brightness transcends centuries…
Datdude, are you married? I found theory and practice very afar apart in my short life experience.
Celebrate said:
#43 Anonx You sure are sorry! Proverbs 31 was written by King Solomon who was a wise man that lived a long time ago. It’s inspired by God.
You’re very immature.
” I had to laugh hard. when you said they now live happily ever after. You described happiness …. Genet- Why do you have a sad outlook about marriage, big houses,and many kids?
why can’t you just be happy for people regardless of their situations?
” I am confident their house is taken by the bank. Happiness is not defined by # of children, number of years together or material possession….
You’re projecting a negative energy you sound like you enjoy that family’s doom.
Your definition of happiness may not include the above mentioned…. But to some having a long lasting marriage, a big house many kids sums up happiness.
Oops Bed_ford I misread your comment #28. She accused him of being gay and fondling their child to get out of the marriage oh my god that’s messed up. She should lose her green card for that.
Totit, this is easier said then done. What if she doesn’t speak english, has no relatives/friends in the us, doesn’t know her rights, etc. How does she manage to pack up and leave? Leave to go where? If she asks him to leave then where does she begin to pick up and learn to survive on her own?
Lilye‘s post #45 brings up a good point without intervention most of these women cannot get the help they need. God bless you Lilye for what you’re doing.
I will not get addicted to Bernos again and enter the Bernos rehab center
I like Totit’s analysis, looking at occurings mathematically. True the odds are many and high. But as long as there is that tiny bitsy percentage remaining, we cannot conclude and generalize. As a person who is about to take this chance, I cannot see myself about to be ‘imported’ or consider my choice as a faulty one. For those women who ‘used’ a man or a woman to get a paper or used their ‘paper’ to get a man/woman, I wouldn’t call them they have made their choices, I would say they didn’t exhaustively look at their lists of choices. Usually USA imigrants come mostly from middle class families, which makes it is relatively easier for them to get information, education, and means of income. If their ‘limited’ life doesn’t satisfy them in Ethiopia, there are many ways of trying to enter the country: education, business, work, DV, fake marriages (where both parties are aware of what they are doing, with tinish gubo involved if necessary). And who said kale USA opportunity yelem. Personnaly I see a lot opportunities in Ethiopia and I live comfortably here and my future wouldn’t look so bleak. But if you hate it so much here, try other countries in Africa, in the Middle East, Asia, Australia, explore your options you would be surprised. There is nothing wrong in wanting to leave and explore the rest of the world, or on the other side looking for a life partner, but there is no excuse in using another person’s heart to get something.
And who says kale ager bet set mist yelem? Work on your essence, know who you are and want you want, and as a person of faith I would say things will come you way. Kalhonem bikeriss, iyawoku gedel megbat alle inde.
And for those of you who didn’t know what is awaiting in the USA and have fallen for your diaspora who stood taller and smelled so good, yes, YeboleLij (you go girl for the honesty)is right, you still have a choice to make – there is no rule that says get stuck and suffer.
I am writting all this for one reason – I am about to make the biggest choice of my life – and sew negnina, I care that you don’t generalize the scenario. I am doing this fully conscious of what is happening to others and also with the lines of choices in front of me. I am doing this with faith that love wins it all.
Sweeping generalization ahead; please fasten seatbelts:
It all reeks of Opportunity. He finds the opportunity to appease his social ineptitude by importing a wife. She finds the opportunity to secure a livelihood that is presumably relatively better.
Maybe these men can’t wrap their minds around strong, independent and secure women. It’s easy to qualitatively disregard or actively avoid those whom we cannot easily understand or manipulate or contextualize within the framework of our selfish little boxes. So it becomes an amalgam of fear, insecurities, desperation, and a schizophrenic approach towards the concept of culture.
Again, this is a grand generalization, but I am certain that it holds some truth. Of course individual stories and personal minutae might vary, offering up countless reasons and scenarios that led up to toxic and fractured marriages.
Alternatively,anyone know of husband-importers and how those stats hold up?
My two pence end here.
bonkoni,
I don’t see anywhere the Ethiopian guy competing in your above comment, though. If there’s such a competition, it’s good so, both genders could learn compromising in r/ships.
Most of the time i hear from guys complaing that they’re single/chose to be alone b/s they could not find “real” Ethiopian women, but i don’t hear so much saying “we’re in competition and don’t have enough girls available”. Hey, i’m grand ma so, may be i’m bit outdated seeing things?
SabaS I disagree. Trying other countries or opportunities in US doesn’t exist to everyone in todays’s almost non-existent middle class. you have to pay a hefty sum even for the ridiculously risky arab ager contract work; forget trying anything decent business/DV/or even the fake marriages. yes dreams can eventually be achieved but it ain’t easy for the regular joe. especially seeing what we are seeing today, the price of living skyrocketing out of the reach of the majority of Ethiopians, it’d take a life time. in any case i wish you goodluck … lovely stat totit!
Now that Im grown i am doubting marriage. That’s why now I have no plans to marry anyone. I will remain single woman for life. When I was little just like everyone i thought it was all fantacy celebration weddings. I remember one relative i never knew came from the US to marry this girl. At the time i was only excited about being candle holder and wished one day I will also be like the girl. As an adult i started anlyzing the reason habeshas get married. I found out mostly it has nothing to do with mutual love. In the villages for example marriage is done by abduction and rape. So basically the village girls end up marrying their rapists because once they are raped it means no other man will marry them according to our “traditions”. I know im city girl that is not part of my life but i see a similar pattern with the marriage where one spouse comes from foreign nation. The men who go to Ethiopia are selfish. I mean they are doing it only because they can’t find anyone here and are sure they will get someone with their papers there. That’s why we see so many importee wives never improve their lives in the US. Most of them lose their spirits once they arrive. In this senerio the marriage was done becasue the man needed a wife. Just like the rapist in the village needed a wife. Therefore, my advice to women is before marrying any man analyze his intentions. Why is he seeking marriage? Is it only to benefit himself without any plan of being a good husband but expecting too much of his importee?
I am so glad I will never get married. I plan to be successful woman like so many single women like hallie, angelina, and oprah, and Condi. They are my heros AMEN.
tsedey, I don’t think there was much theory to my post. However, I have yet to take the plunge so maybe then i’ll see your point.
Totit, yihe hula tibeb sitadel I think you were off studying statistics…another area of study that wasn’t kind to me.
. This is a remarkable standard writer is setting, and it crosses all these centuries to continue to inspire.
Annox, you say mule, but that would have to be one heck of a mule…it would be like the michael jordan of mules X 10000000000000000 lol
i have also a plan to remain single…..so yene feminist please let u and i get married….not tomorrow, not after tomorrow but now!!!!
What an accurate grand generalization toothpick!
SabaS,
Keep the positive attitude and if you work at it, I am sure it will work. This is from a woman who followed her heart (I don’t consider myself imported) 11+ years ago and still very much in love with her hubby.
And AnonX where exactly did u see the mule?
Well the proverb is a book written 4000 years ago by king Solomon…a Wise man…and the analogy has to reflect the era…
May be he couldn’t find a woman with all those qualities in prov 31:10 and thus had many wives each with one quality from the verse. I am just guessing here.
Lol Selam T
I agree with u here…Even the wisest of men had a flaw…and his was women…He just could not get enough it looks like…:)
and Mamitu..who knows, maybe …but I doubt that…I think he was just a womaniser…and It looks like all of them kings were in the old testament…
SabaS
It is important to be hopeful and positive . When I said you have a choice , it is also a choice of being together with the one you love . It can and has worked for some. follow your heart , always.
I don’t consider my self imported as well mamitu , came here to join the one I loved and it did not work out .
I like using the word because it puts things in to perspective
lol
there are a lot of socially inept guys that have not ” imported” a wife . They’re just inept. edilachew new .
Beqa – I hate stereotyping.
Oh my god besak motukugn with Feminist
Aha marriage is a selfish act – didn’t know that
really do you think men who import are any difffernt than those who marry locally
PS Hallie has been divorced twice
Angelina has been divorced twice
I don’t think we should discourage these men from going to Ethiopia and marrying their dream girls. Or what they think is their dream girls.
After all, if it wasn’t for these guys, so many girls’ dreams would be just that.
From my observation, some of these girls don’t even know that there’s such a thing as real love. It’s really all games and winning to them.
My advice to the guys is, look for your old high school sweetheart or someone you knew before you came here. At least, if she comes here and leaves you, it’s not by fooling you pretending to love you. You know the person and it’ll be okay to give her a chance for a better life.
BTW, what’s wrong with generalization? An old and favorite subject in Bernos.
And did somebody, another favorite of mine, mention addiction?
nolawi, LOOL, thats not right man, you picked it apart like tom brady against the Lions D. Somebody call wogesha.
Feminist….
I am puzzled by this statement,…
Rapists usually and as a rule do not need wives, they might have wives but they dont actually need them . All rapists needs is potential victims, could be their wives, could be other people’s daughters, wives and sisters, they are not all that fussy in their intentions or choices of victims and their motivation is both criminal and immoral in nature and practise.
Are you saying that the motivation of men who go to Ethiopia and marry from there is similar to that of rapists? how can that be? rape is a violent act where one person inflicts sexual violence on another without their consent, marriage on the other hand when not a forced marriage is an act two people enter into voluntarily and without the coercion of one party of another for it to be legal or at least that is the theory of it an should be practised as such but is not always, but that is a different issue…
You may be dubious about the motivations of men who go to Ethiopia to marry and you may be right in some of your assumptions and maybe not in others but to liken the intentions all all those men which might be a big number and which frankly speaking you cant be aware of those people’s intentions, it is to do them great disservice, they really dont deserve the rapists by proxy tag and I am someone who questions the wisdom of marrying someone from home when it could easily be that an Ethiopian woman or man near where you live might actually be more compatible in marriage to men and women who lived in the West or grew up in the West for a long while, but I wouldnt second guess or generalise their motives either how is that going to solve what might be a social problem?, it just creates more stereotypes, there is only a tiny smudgeon of truth in stereotypes…
Anyway below is a more formal definition of both rape and marriage….
Marriage is a personal union of individuals. This union may also be called matrimony, while the ceremony that marks its beginning is usually called a wedding and the married status created is sometimes called wedlock.
Marriage is an institution in which interpersonal relationships (usually intimate and sexual) are acknowledged by the state or by religious authority. It is often viewed as a contract.
Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution, in accordance with marriage laws of the jurisdiction. If recognized by the state, by the religion(s) to which the parties belong or by society in general, the act of marriage changes the personal and social status of the individuals who enter into it.
People marry for many reasons, but usually one or more of the following: legal, social, and economic stability; the formation of a family unit; procreation and the education and nurturing of children; legitimizing sexual relations; public declaration of love; or to obtain citizenship.[1][2]
Rape, sometimes called sexual assault, is an assault by a person involving sexual intercourse with or sexual penetration of another person without that person’s consent. Rape is generally considered a serious sex crime, as well as a civil assault
speak it sistah!!!
With the risk of side-railing this thread i wanna say I completely agree with you about stereotyping— in our culture stereotyping is a huge part of the way people deal with ppl and i think it can be a big fat orange roadblock like you said – standing in as a self-fulfilling prophecy…of fitting into boxes
I dunno bout yall but me personally– i hate being forced to fit into boxes!
tpeace- you are a stereotype – nothing special about you- that is why you hate generalizations…
Ennndeeee Nolawi…Agere selam ayedelem ende…endete newe negeru?
totit- a few people are special and can not be categorized but at the end everyone is a product of their environment
and that environment makes us who we are so
and so an african american male growing up in urban Detroit is 3 times more likely not to graduate from highschool than a white kid in orange county..
and I can prove that scientifically.
Interesting article + Interesting comments. lol @ Nolawi. You’re on a philosophical rampage aren’t ya ?
endezama kehonema , even the very people you mention are categorized as ” few people that are special and can not be categorized” thats one box. so there is nothing special about them too, there are others as well …eyale yiketilal .
So … in the spirit of loopy rhetoric, we can go ahead and assert that there are indeed people who do not want to be generalized.
nolawi, u can come off as such an arrogant wanna-be-know-it-all twat!
and there goes the box! bOOm.
Haydaya
My sister i am only stating facts here. Yes, marriage in Ethiopia is mostly done by abduction and rape. They usually call it “metlef” when it is really rape. So the family of the rape victim will then be send shimagilewoch in trying to arrage marrage for with their rapists. Like we all know it’s male dominated culture where the family has to obay the wishes of the rapist’s family. And give away their child forever. These are underage young girls losing their lives. Also in the situation of where the man comes from overseas often he cannot find single women in Ethiopia his age as most are married. So he goes for those much younger than him who still live at home with parents. The parents often push their children to marry the stanger coming from overseas.Mostly because the girl have no future in Ethiopia due to failing to make it to college.
In both cases the will of the women is never considered.
My sister I advice you to read an article on the BBC called “revange of the abducted bride”. You will be inspired by this girl’s story.
Nolawi Twatros?
*dead*
Abi, hehehe the addiction is trying to creep back but I’m carefully walking around the quicksand lol.
tpeace, I had the urge to say boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka, lol
feminist,
I know of a distant cousin who was living in a “geTer Ketema” who got married to the guy who “meTlefed”, raped and imperegnated her. She is still married to the dude, she probably assumes she has no choice ’cause she is considered damaged goods once her virginity is gone. This is a very typical practice specialy in the Oromo tradition.
Dear Feminist
First let me thank you for info about the abducted bride, poor girl and the thousands of girls that are victims of this cultural practise, a horrid story but with the right outcome, rape is an offence agaisnt the individual, a victim of rape is entitled to defend themselves agaisnt those who would tresspass agaisnt them and defile their bodies, what shocked me is that the rapists companions wanted to slit her throat for defending her body and dignity. It is ok to rape her and beat her but not ok for her to object to it any which way she sees fit? shocking…
I was aware of this practise before and read a really sad story few years ago about a similar case where the judge made comments unworthy of a judge and the perpetrator of a simailar rape went scot free I think, last I knew it was followed up by Ethiopian Women Lawyers Association on appeal I think but I dont know how it ended…
I also take this into account and are aware that it happens and I do not condone it just because it is a cultural practise my point of contention is when you say “most marriages in Ethiopia are done by rape and abduction”…if this is not done country wide how can it then be “most marriages?”…. and even though I would never condone rape in any form or rapists and even though I know it is the girls who are the real helpless victims twice over,first raped and then made to marry their rapists ,there is a sense that everyone practising this is also a victim of harmful cultural practise and lack of educationeen though I cant really imagining anyone not knowing rape in any form is wrong and agressive act toward another, and deserves a lenghty jail sentence……
This is what makes me sad, when young girls are coerced by circumstances or their parents, again due to circumstances into something they may not have chosen had another way been open to them, then we actually pick on these young girls for aiming higher to what they got so far?, it sounds less about gold digging and more about basic survival ..poverty and despair makes people opportunistic, what needs to be rid of is those circumtances that make them hard and opportunistic and not blame the victims of it..then there is the other side: men and women who choose each other whatever their reasons and sometimes have a good equal marriage if it works for them…
Aye, sadly that is true in many cases…
It is sad indeed how poverty makes Women in Ethiopia just settle for a man they don’t even love. I remember a couple of years ago my sister in Ethiopia told me a man from California told her point blank he wants to marry her. She said he told her he knows her background and family history. She told him “mist new woys lij yefelekew”. Mind you the man is a doctor i know so many women chasing doctors to be their husbands and it didn’t make any sense why he couldn’t find a wife in California. I am suspecting he was lookng for one in Ethiopia so he can control her. So my sister is still in Ethiopia. She is ok i am glad she refused. I have a cousin who was fooled into following a man who came from Boston. She came to US with him but then only after a month changed her mind and returned back to Ethiopia. The wedding invitations were already sent to people but she flew back home. I am proud of her. PPl who were invited for the wedding still don’t believe what she did. They see her as a maniac for not taking a change to leave Ethiopia. To me she is a real woman. She still in Ethiopia.
It’s beyond my imagination what kind of a life those abducted woman live with someone they don’t love and who forced himself on them? The unfortunate truth is a lot of similar cases still fly under a radar of so called ‘love’ and some end tragically. For some it’s as much a reality today, not something they read on a fiction book. I’d like to share a true story.
They were classmates (my sister was in the same class with them), they never passed from yegzer selamta . She got successful and joined AAU, he failed the matric exam. He started stalking her during her freshman year confessing a love for her, she told him she’s not interested and continued to concentrate on her education. She made it through xmas and then to 2nd yr. Then he started physically harrassing her. AAU officials then found out that he was entering using a fake ID and banned him from campus. He then started leaving letters at her parents house, threatening her family should fear for their lives if she doesn’t go out with him. Everyone just left it at that, thinking it’s a bluff.
Saldly, it wasn’t. He attacked one of her younger sisters (a college student at the time) with gejera when she was returning at night from school. She was admitted to hospital with a head injury, lost a lot of blood, had a few stitches on her skull, but it was a miracle she recovered without any serious damage. He was apprehended for a few month’s but was released with an admonish, because you know, he was in ‘love’ with her sister.
Of course, ye lib lib tesemaw. Some time passed but the letters never stopped, the threats continued, he still wasn’t allowed in campus. He then attacked her other sister (a 12th grade student at the time) in broad daylight, again with a gejera. She lost her front teeth from the impact, was hospitalized, and was unable to take her matric exam that she worked so hard for. This time he was in jail a bit longer, the case went to court after, the sister had to have her teeth replaced, missed a year of school and had to repeat 12th grade. This all happended in the course of 4 years, and the authorities weren’t doing anything about it except showing sympathy to the ‘poor-love-stricken’ monster. With God’s grace, the girl who was the focus of this crazed monster did manage to graduate successfully. While the hearing on her sister’s case was once again postponed, the stalking continued. He was following her everywhere she went, still threatening her and family. She used to stay over at family and friends a few times a week, just to throw off the routine. She then accepted a job out of town to see if he’d just leave her alone. He never did.
Another year or so went by and she got a job at ECA. But the whole thing took another tragic turn on her way to her first day at her new job. He appeared in front of her, out of no where, the usual confrontation, she begged him once again to leave her alone and her family, this time he didn’t let her walk away, he shot her! Again, in broad day light! The pistol jammed on thd second one. Lucky for her, this was a few blocks from ECA and across from the presedential palace. Security guards from both sides came running to the rescue and guess what the monster was trying to use his victim as a shield from the weapons pointed at him! That sums up the love and infatuation he’s been confessing!! .. She had a minor surgery to remove the bullet which with yet another miracle didn’t damage any major organ and she was released from the hospital wtihin a few days. By then the Ethiopian Women Lawyers Association ( ye setoch guday) and the press got involved, there were demonstrations asking for justice, for this poor family who was neglected for so long with the system allowing such a criminal to be on the loose for so long. It finally paid off, the system felt the pressure and he was refused bail. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the end of it all. The day of his sentence, for the first case (the younger sister who lost teeth, mind you the other sister’s case whose skull he cracked open didn’t even make it to court!) he was sentenced to 18yrs. After his sentence, he insulted the judge and while still cuffed he run out of the courtroom. For those of you who know the keftegna fird bet area he managed to get out of the compound, cross the street to Lideta Church and an undercover fatally shot him, but not before a passerby was injured in the commotion. The year was 2002. The place the capital city, not a remote geTer ketema.
EWLA (Ethiopian Women Lawyer’s Association) has done a notable job since it’s inception by standing firm against such violence. I for one don’t think anyone in their right mind would stalk and harrass and torture and commit such crime against anybody. This person I’m pretty sure was mentally ill but the justice system, instead of taking action, continued to send him back to jail for another couple of months, for him to come back yet again for more bravado as if hig yelelebet ager. Harrassment and violence shold not be looked at mildly whether under the pretence of love or not.
http://www.tadias.com/v1n5/GRS_2_2003-1.html
Hermela is now married and lives a peaceful life with her husband, even though losing her father to stroke amidst all the nightmare is one of the many constant reminders to what her family had endured for so long, not just physically but emotionally.
Another similar story – Addis, Mar 07
http://www.meskelsquare.com/archives/2007/03/article_ethiopi_1.html
Is that dude “feKer beKonChera” that everyone in AAU knew about? I think I may even have seen the guy and I went to school with the girl’s big sister. Didn’t the guy get a pass for all this time because he was a soldier in the current government?
Lol- feKer beKonChera
I want to hear his side of the story… There is no excuses for all the things he did but I understand – he couldn’t live without her… its kinda romantic in a romeo and juliet way… he died for love.
no, nolawi, it’s kinda romantic in a creepy-and-abusive-stalker-who-threatens-your-very-life kinda way.
Nolawi,
It is not romantic at all. Going to Addis Ababa University is one of the most stressful times for a lot of girlsn specially for this reason. Many of them do not study in the Libraries because some guy from the country-side has confessed love for them and they are afraid that he will stab them to death. Or a teacher who has also come from the country-side who has taken a fancy of them and they flunk because the lecturer doesn’t take no for an answer. And the Addis girl doesn’t even know what she has done to attract the attention ’cause all she does is what she has done for the first 17 or 18 years years of her life before joining college, which is take a good bath and dress clean. What can I say it is a man’s world.
Fikir bekonCHera….hilarious….not the story but the nomenclature…..Sounds liike a perfect hollywood idea….
“Fikir bekonchera” coming soon to a theatre near you….
Stalking is never-ever Romantic. I would never want to hear the sick man’s side of story- actually he’s not even sick, he’s just an arrogant bastard (sorry I had to use it)and thought he’s above the law. This also shows how the judiciary system in Eth. is criple and corrupt. Huge thanks to EWLA- if it weren’t for them, countless # of women would suffer from this Chauvinists acts. Hermela’s case atleast brought awareness and what EWLA can do!
i guess stalking and date rape are not yet considered as serious crime in the motherland. sad.
You must be out of your mind Nolawi. This was not in the least romantic. Juliet wanted the attention she got from Romeo. This guy didn’t love her he was just obsessed with her and he felt entitled to her because he wanted her. Sick bastard, may he rot in hell.
hmmm…the sad thing I’ve heard (if indeed true) is that EWLA was expected to dissemble some of its projects/minimize operation significantly because of its involvement in ‘politics’ and ‘human rights issues’ as per the new NGO law that was passed in parliament. *ahem*…stating an FYI to ask ‘is this really true?’
Mamitu, yes that’s him. Were you at 4kilo? so was Hermela.. I heard he had a ihadig cousin, not sure how true that was. But if it is, explains a whole lot.
Nolawi, if that’s what love is bafinchaye yiwta .. just because he died while fleeing justice doesn’t make him a martyr. Lest we forget, Romeo & Juliet were in love!
tsepeace, I won’t be surprised if the gov’t is trying to suspend EWLA once again, if you read the Tadis story (I’m quoting below) they were temporarily suspended for their involvment in Hermela’s case too.
Load of bs!
Yep I was in Arat Kilo before moving to Techno South.
You guys have no sense of humor- regardless of the details Vis à Vie stalking or whatever – he died for love
Romanticism is not rational.
Romanticism is reaches beyond or attempts to reach beyond societal values or the norm.
Suicide is not rational
Mutual suicide is not rational
poisoning your self for love is not rational
but romeo did it
-
Sacrificing your self for the sake of honor- the samurai way is not rational
but it is romantic.
All I said the guy is romantic- the story is romantic -
Death for the sake of Love- regardless of the irrationality in the specifics of stalking is romantic.
If you guys were in the least bit educated on Romanticism you would agree
now go look at Liberty Leading the People
probably the most romantic painting in history
Death and Romance go like wings adn blue cheese
AbTori
I saw the movie called “Hermela”. It was unbelievable. The guy was so abusive. The police said there was no evidence to go after him saying the threats and letter and physical abuse is nothing more than just a guy in love. It shows that the only evidence Addis Ababa police understand is a dead body or burned body like that girl that was burned by acid.
Let me tell you a true crazy story from AAU. A guy was living a great life doing well in school and he had a girlfriend that loved him. A professor started harrassing and abusing the couple. He claimed to love the girl and told the guy to stop being with her or even talking with her. He gave the girl low grades on the exams. He was verbally and mentally abusive. They thought they can just tolerate his abuse until they graduate and it would all be over with. They were wrong because he knew where she lived. One day he followed them around and saw them on a date in cake shop. He waited until the girl left the cake shop and he entered the cake shop where her boyfriends was still inside with his friends. THe professor argued with the boyfriend and I think the boyfriend was tired at that moment or because they already graduated he thought he can now speak up to the professor without fear of him giving them failing grades. Unfourtunately, the professor was a derg official as well so he owned a gun. THe guy didn’t know that so the argument about the girl was heating up and the guy threw his coffee in the professors cake. Then the professor pulled out his gun and killed the guy in front of his friends. The police showed up so late and the guy died in there. THey caught him the next day and he was jailed by the derg. when derg fell there was chaos in Addis. For a week there was no government so all derg officials fled their posts including those working for the prison system. So prisoners just walked out without anyone looking for them. He escaped the country so now nobody knows which country he fled to. I can i imagine him living life somewhere out in the world pretending to be a good man while his heart knows what he did in Addis. I wish he never returns under the new regime hoping to be asmechi husband becasue he cannot find an abesha wife in his new country. If he becomes asmechi hubby I fear for the woman who doesn’t know his past.
its a matter of perspective isn’t it?…
regardless of anything about the situation – the man stalked the girl placing her and her family in physical harm and danger. threatening them to MAKE her love him. we can argue if thats real love or not.
why doesn’t he do all he can to make the girl happy since he cares so much about her? – including keeping her and her family healthy and well??
romeo died because the one he loved and who loved him back could not be with him because of circumstances he had no control over.
any type of love, and some death does not automatically signal romance! stalkerish obsessive physical and verbal abusiveness is NOT romantic with humor or without!
tsepeace, the new NGO law has not been passed yet, it’s still a draft and the parliament is on recess till next Ethiopian year and it is expected that there will be changes before it is presented to the parliament again (tho im not sure if this changes will make it more or less stringent ). But if it is to be passed as it is, EWLA will be seriously affected, it can still give legal aid and staff to the women but if it wants to continue to work on advocacy and staff it will need to figure out a way to get 90% of its income locally, which is literally impossible.
tsepeace, the new NGO law has not been passed yet, it’s still a draft and the parliament is on recess till next Ethiopian year and it is expected that there will be changes before it is presented to the parliament again (tho im not sure if this changes will make it more or less stringent ). But if it is to be passed as it is, EWLA will be seriously affected, it can still give legal aid and staff to the women but if it wants to continue to work on advocacy and staff it will need to figure out a way to get 90% of its income locally, which is literally impossible.
Anyways to get back to the point about asmechina laki, the man doesnt go back home to fall in love, he goes there looking for an easy way out. He goes there to meet a stranger( it doesnt matter if so and so knew her, he doesnt know her!) and then to bring her to where he lives as his bride. So where is the love in this picture?
It might work for 1 person in a million like it does for my friend but it doent work for everyone. I see it no better than gambling since your chances of winning is 2nd to none.
Love is patient and kind.
Love does not envy or boast. It isn’t arrogant or rude.
Love doesn’t insist on it s own way. It isn’t irritable or resentful,
Nor does it rejoice in doing wrong. It rejoices in truth.
Love bears all things, believes, hopes and endures all things.
(1 Corinthians 13:4)
It’s so disturbing to read the crimes that are committed against young girls and women. It’s a male dominated and chauvinistic socitey. I hate it. That has to end. Women in Ethiopia work twice as hard as men and carry the burdens of their families on their shoulders.
Those of us living in North America and Europe have an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of these women and girls.
We can send them money and educate them so they will have a brighter future ahead of them.
Education = freedom.
Genfo you are right, I think the more women we are able to educate the better. All this is about empowerment of women. When women are educated it is good for a whole lot of things even including for reducing global warming because they will have control of the number of kids they have limiting over population. But how it can be done is a real challenge? How can we people in the Diaspora encourage and support the education of Ethiopian women?
Genfo you are right, I think the more women we are able to educate the better. All this is about empowerment of women. When women are educated it is good for a whole lot of things even including reduction of global warming because they will have control of the number of kids they have limiting over population. But how it can be done is a real challenge? How can we people in the Diaspora encourage and support the education of Ethiopian women?
Can anyone please tell me if stalking is an specific offence in Ethiopian Law or does someone has to suffer pysical harrasment in order for the courts to do something?.
I ask because even Western countries recognised stalking as an offence on its own only upto ten years ago give or take few years.
In many countries even in the West stalking used to be not a specific offence, especially if the harrasment is a pyschological one instead of a pysical one.
Before the law changed here a victim had to be injured pysically in order for an offender to be charged with Actual bodily harm or Grevious bodily harm, if they called you or text you about thousand times a day and it drove you mad there used to be no change of redress from the courts. Now of course stalking whether mental or pysical is recognised as an offence by itself.
I agree educating girls and giving them power over their bodies and minds is the key to break female victimisation, the men too need to be educated about unarranted attention and the harm it does to the recipient of that attention…a friend of mine sponsors two Ethiopian children’s education through Oxfam, I am gonna do the same, it doesnt cost much and it helps children in dire need…
I agree with everyone who said that stalking isnt about love, it is mainly about obsession and control, stalkers have no empathy and cannot comprehend the damage they cause their victims, they cannot handle rejection like normal people can and do make their victims pay for rejecting them, sometimes fatally, they also revel in their position of causing mayhem coz it puts them firmly in control of their victims…
when we happen to go to Ethiopia next time let’s find a girl we can support by paying for her school. It takes so little money to do so. Less than $100 a year will more than cover it.
Every kid can go to public school but the money will cover uniform, shoes and books.
If we care enough and decide to pay for a girl we will make a difference in their lives.
I have been doing just that and it gives me such happiness to see them and hear them talk about their school etc. The pay off and the happiness I feel is priceless!
It pays off in such a great way.
I could spend the money buying “stuff” I don’t need but this makes my life full…
….how did we get from asmechinalaki to fikir be konchera..?
Don’t know, may be because gals are following the asmeChi to escape the one with the KonChera? Sounds like a pretty natural sequence to me
I saw this story where the shoe was on the other foot. It is a quiet interesting read.
http://arefe.wordpress.com/2008/08/16/charismatic-preacher-mired-in-scandal/
Mamitu
I enjoyed the article. Wow didn’t know that girl is Gigi’s sister. I saw her movie but didn’t know she sings. I just checked out her song and her voice is bad.
I couldn’t stop laughing when i saw the jet black hair of the old husband. What type of cheap hair dye are they using? I see so many old Abesha men with jet black hair.
who are they kidding? I hate that type of men. I love real men who have their natural hair with gray beard and hair. Look at the man he even dyed his mustache.
She needed to wake up and leave this old man who dumped his ex wife in the trash now he is wasting the youth of this new wife. When he reaches age 70 she will regret it.
SelamT
Lol I 100% agree with you…I know a girl who keep on asking me to help her find a ” husban” from the U.S….at one time she said jokingly ” yemote ferenji behonem enkwan felegelegne, eNe endemenem bEye asenesawalehu.” LOL
But I don’t agree with this one:
Mostly our girls want to get a ‘husband’ from the U.S. or Europe not because to get the man’s money, rather they are willing to get married for the opportunity that going to the West brings.
Most of the ladies in Addis won’t hesitate to get married with a man from the U.S., even those from the “well-to-do” families……
SiTa
When entertaining marriage – I would encourage everyone NOT to rely on your own wisdom – BUT RELY ON GOD.
I mean this seriously, after dating for a number of years…and thinking I could figure it out if I just used my brain…..I finally gave up trying to figure it all out. (Bear in mind, I’ve attended some of the most prestigous schools in this country – so I just “knew” that I was smart enough to figure it all out.)
Well, the more you learn….the more you realize that you don’t know.
I eventually decided that I would do whatever God told me to do. If he wanted me to date someone, please send me a sign. If he didn’t, that was cool with me too.
Remember, God created the family before he created the Church. The thing that God cares about most is FAMILY!
Even once you get married, you have to rely on God even MORE. If you thought dating was difficult, wait until you have to share someone else’s struggles. BUT, you also share their joys – and that’s what makes marriage such a beautiful thing.
Just make sure to rely on God – as he knows our hearts even better than we do! And pray a lot!!!!!!
Best!
Addis Tunes,
If u dont mind I am curious to know how exactly God tells u to date or not to date….
yeah that is my question too dinich….
ye habesha excuse new …if you don’t love him whytake adv. of him
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