A few years ago, I got an invitation for a wedding with an asterisk on the time. I thought that was significant, not only because they were Ethiopians but also because I knew the people.
I decided to go but since I was new in town I figured to be weary if I was alone. I asked a new friend and told him I would pick him up at a certain time later that evening.
Hours later I showed up at his place on time, as I am prone to be. I called for him to come down to no avail, he said he is coming out but took 10 minutes and I called again, and he asked for five more minutes.
It seemed like as though he got into the shower when I got there. I waited that five minutes and left. I ended up not going to the wedding. I figured it was worth the lesson I was about to give a future friend.
Now that he knew who I was maybe he would come out on time next time I picked him up. He ended up being one that will always need an extra five minutes, regardless of the situation. I tried different tactics with him; I would call ahead and tell him I was there 10 minutes before I got there. This worked for a while, till he figured out the game plan.
It was either scream at him or end m relationship. I would get angry, I would think he had no respect for me or my time; I thought he lacked consideration, among other things. If it wasn’t for his lack of respect for time, he is a moral person; one of the most thoughtful people I have had the privilege to get to know. He is now a good friend, and I stopped getting angry with him regarding this issue after the first few months.
My friend knows not to make me wait too long, sometimes he would call ahead and tell me that he is running late, etc. This came after years of learning the intricate details of a friend’s personality, he is always late and I hate waiting.
Americans have a popular idiom, one that George bush messed up on:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
In the same manner, if I am to expect my friend to be on time to take me to the airport and I miss my flight, it’s my fault. Shame on me, don’t put the same elements in the test-tube and expect a different result.
Alas, my friend has picked me up from the airport at least a half a dozen times, but he has never taken me. ‘Aye! There’s Lies the Rub!’ that’s the nature of our relationship. We work with what we can offer; I rarely get disappointed with him anymore because I don’t set myself up for it.
The variable
I am not perfect, but I try to work on my imperfections. As adult relationship develops we become aware of our inadequacies. Everyone could use more something, a little more consideration, understanding, patience, confidence, knowledge, passion, and the many more supernatural entities we need in our hearts and or brain.
As I am getting older I realize that I am better; a better person. Or it seems like it!
The realist
The sad fact is that I expect less, I expect less from everyone. In the work place, although I would like everyone to treat me ethically I do not expect it, as I have been treated unethically. I take what I am given from my family members without expecting it. If indeed the outcome is positive, it’s somewhat better because it was an expected.
And my friends, well you know I do not set myself up for disappointments. Doesn’t mean I don’t trust them, love them or have confidence in them to be there for me; I am just a bit more calculated that I have been in my younger years.
The calculation
don’t expect + positive outcome = unexpected positive outcome
don’t expect + negative outcome = not to much of a disappointment
This is indeed sad way to live, but lest expected!
Published by October 15th, 2007 in Personal and Social.
what are some of the other things?
nice post Nol.
My mom always says “anden sew ende hun malet, ebed malet new.”
Doro, the details do not make the story any clearer… just things that I thought he lacked..
masinko
I would never have seen it that way… until recently….
Nolawi,
Well said…
Nol, about ‘The Calculation’, I don’t believe that’s a sad way to live….actually, Thank you! I’m going to try it….sounds healthy.
But I truly feel bad making my friends wait (has nothing to do with not respecting my friends…I’m even worse when having to go somewhere for my own good)and came up with an idea to solve the problem : asked them to meet up at the destination instead of coming to pick me up etc. [[ Since neither trying to be on time {from my side}, nor telling me an earlier meeting time {from their side}worked ]]…they wouldn’t accept that. They came up with a ‘better’ idea. They come to my place and follow me around (give that to someone who hates people observing every lil thing I do)….hmm, I guess they knew me better than myself. So now, I’m ready long before they get home to avoid being followed around the house.
Being on time…errr, your friend could be my twin brother
Most of the time people claim that they ALLEGEDLY are running late due to something…”no your not” we know that in most cases you just starting to get ready late, which is why your running late.
It also seems lately that when someone is on time it is something you should be appreciative for, rather than a fair expectation of good manners. So if you are that someone that’s always late or have the reputation of coming late…well I too will stop making the effort on coming on time. Instead, I will start getting ready whenever and get there at whatever time.
The sad part is that you late runners will not even notice, as you’ll be late anyway!
DawitK,
I like your strategy. Kind of….when everybody is late, no body is late.
I think that’s disrespectful and I have friends that do that. I have to lie and say that I am on my way when I haven’t even started getting ready yet.
As for your calculations below, I think they are right on. I try not to have expectations in all areas in my life but in dealing w/ relationships, it is sometimes hard.
don’t expect + positive outcome = unexpected positive outcome
don’t expect + negative outcome = not to much of a disappointment
Nice post Nol.
I hate being late to any thing specially occasions like wedding. What is so sad is, we respect the late comers by waiting until they arrive before the wedding party comes to the hall. I never understand that logic other than disrespecting the people who arrived on time. Now a days, I start doing this, I call and tell family/friends that I am on my way and I hit the shower!!!
[quote comment="86573"]I think that’s disrespectful and I have friends that do that. I have to lie and say that I am on my way when I haven’t even started getting ready yet.
[/quote]
lol…. so you think lying is better huh
?
[quote comment="86573"]I think that’s disrespectful and I have friends that do that. I have to lie and say that I am on my way when I haven’t even started getting ready yet.
As for your calculations below, I think they are right on. I try not to have expectations in all areas in my life but in dealing w/ relationships, it is sometimes hard.
don’t expect + positive outcome = unexpected positive outcome
don’t expect + negative outcome = not to much of a disappointment[/quote]
Dodiesha,
Ene demo I am given up expectations in relationships as well.. especially in the early part…. Just because we went on one date doesn’t mean I expect a second date…
and just because she slept with me… I shouldn’t expect it will happen again…
and just because we are sleeping together doesn’t mean I should expect that we are exclusive…
oh I thought we were exclusive…. she said don’t assume without asking….
Hi Nolawi,..
The friend you described is so similar a friend I had once who was not only late in minutes or hours, but days, I am not joking ,she once turned up two days late for an appointment with a whole group of people, no one was happy and she had quite a few friends less after that, no one ever relies on her about time keeping..
I also have another friend, he is also late for everything, days and sometimes months not very reliable…
I think that if someone is habitually late and cant be relied on to turn up on time for a pre arragend appointment at the time arranged it might mean they are unreliable first and second;..they are taking me and my time for granted on some level and maybe they are unaware of it or dont care how I might feel about it since it keeps happening…have you let your friend know how you feel about his time keeping?
I think i’m learning the same thing about expecting things from ppl. But is it really a good thing? I mean being late is not a great quality gen its not that bad. You cant change ppls personalities they are who they are. However, what about other more serious things in which ppl let you down. Should we expect little from those around us so we will not be disappointed or should we expect the same consideration that we give out. Nothing more nothing less. Why should we adjust our actions if they are willing to adjust theirs?
I have a problem with keeping people waiting as well. Gin I don’t do it on purpose ,I just do not seem to make it on time .Similarly ,If people don’t show up on time I understand and wait for them .Specially If I knew they would really come .
As for the expectations ,I hear you loud and clear.I mean I learned that a long time ago;the less you expect, the less you are dissapointed .Call me Selfish, but I think life should be about what makes oneself happy with out hurting the other person.
Sky,
Very well said!!
[quote comment="86583"]Nice post Nol.
I hate being late to any thing specially occasions like wedding. What is so sad is, we respect the late comers by waiting until they arrive before the wedding party comes to the hall. I never understand that logic other than disrespecting the people who arrived on time. [/quote]
Generally, if one expects more from others in turn expects more from him/herself. I believe this force us to be better people. I see a lot of us Habesha’s accepting and expecting mediocrity as a norm. It makes me sad to see it again being advocate in a site I respect a lot. I understand none of us are perfect, we all have our flows. Expecting less from each other just to avoid disappointment doesn’t seem a good solution to me though.
[quote comment="86688"]Generally, if one expects more from others in turn expects more from him/herself. I believe this force us to be better people. I see a lot of us Habesha’s accepting and expecting mediocrity as a norm. It makes me sad to see it again being advocate in a site I respect a lot. I understand none of us are perfect, we all have our flows. Expecting less from each other just to avoid disappointment doesn’t seem a good solution to me though.[/quote]
I agree betam betam thus I said its sad being a realist, and encouraging to be an Idealist….
I assume the right answer is somewhere in the middle,… a good balance of realism and idealism yemeslegnal
- On the other hand as far as it being advocated on this site… well its not… my opinion are just that .. bernos is not advocating anything.. other than being a platform for free speech..
I am always late to meet people. And for classes I am about 6-7 minutes late. I only show up on time when there is exam. Unless it’s serious as an exam or appointment with the government, all other functions can wait. I just don’t think 30 or 40 minutes is such a big deal. PPL just need to chill a bit. I know we were so laid back. But now it seems everyone is so concerned with the clock. Come on now. If someone is late 30-40 min, the person just needs to chill by reading the newspaper or do other things to waste time. I just don’t get this time obsession.
Great post, Nolawi.
I too am with Wude on this one. No Expectations = No Disappointment. It is not a sad way to live but a great principle to follow.
Yerasen Gedeta Mewtat New…don’t expect anything in return.
chia…..(i dont agree with you 100% but you have some good point there when i have appointment i make sure i have something to read with me while i was waiting i can read that way i dont see my clock every one second but waiting someone for 40 minutes kinda long wait(that person should call me letting me know he/she will will be late otherwise it is not RIGHT to be so reluctant when someone waiting you somewhere…
Nice post Nol.
Way too many people are late simply because they’ve long ago developed a “you can’t tell ME what to do” mentality about everything. Fundamentally, they don’t care if they’re late, or if they waste other people’s time, or if things don’t get done. And there is no getting through to a person like that. They’ll only be on time if they happen to feel like it that day.
Some may say that it’s not intentional, but if you’re chronically late and chronically apologetic: someone is going to interpret it as intentional. You can apologize profusely, but actions speak louder than words…to others, it will seem that you really do not care about their time.
It’s true that some people are unable to correctly predict how long something will realistically take; often, their numbers are “best case” scenarios which is why the time delta stacks up against them quickly.
This reminds me of what has been called ‘Hofstadter’s Law’ which states that “a process will always take longer than you think – even when you take Hofstadter’s Law into account.” (It’s named after Douglas Hofstadter)
Chia, the big deal is that the person who is late is wasting the other person’s time which could be used for some thing productive than sit and wait. There is a time for evey thing, like reading a book or a news paper!!!
even discussing the subject upsets me. have people never heard of opportunity cost? what people are losing (apart from time) waiting for your sorry ass. i suggest people adopt the 10 minute rule. if you dont show within 10 minutes, i’m out. unless it is for my own ‘guday’ then the rule changes to 15 minutes.
This is a serious pet peeve for moi. There aren’t many things that irritate the hell out of me but people who are late irk me. Especially those who are late without calling to even say a damn thing. I say to all you late comers “you are not that important”.
People who are late are actually dying for attention and they so lack whatever it is they lack that they have to force attention on themselves by running late. This way we are forced to focus on their sorry ass (as emebet said) for how ever long it takes for them to show up. I mean we all have something that irritates others and to me people who are late just takes me there. I know a person who is always late and I once told him “you’d be late to your own funeral” and he kinda agreed.
Funny thing Kanye’s song Stronger lyrics goes like this “You should be honored by my lateness” and that’s a bunch of BS. Honored my ass I’ll be honored enough to leave within 5 minutes of you not showing up and you should be honored I left you hanging there not waiting for your greatness. How’s that to all the late comers.
[quote comment="87075"]even discussing the subject upsets me. have people never heard of opportunity cost? what people are losing (apart from time) waiting for your sorry ass. i suggest people adopt the 10 minute rule. if you dont show within 10 minutes, i’m out. unless it is for my own ‘guday’ then the rule changes to 15 minutes.[/quote]
Emebet, I love it and agree with you 1000%
Celeb – LOL
Nolawi, speaking of waiting……….how long should we wait for bp to come back?
I read somewhere that the secret to happiness is low expectations. I mostly agree with it. I just haven’t figured out how not to have expectations in relationships though. I don’t know if relationships could work without expectations.
As for chronic lateness, for some I Think it is a sort of disorder. These people are late for everything. They are late for their jobs, their weddings, doctors’ appointments etc… As the saying goes they might even be late for their own funerals. Others are just inconsiderate jerks and believe their time is more important that yours. Whatever the reason I just hate it when they have me waiting for them. I don’t make people wait for me either.
[quote comment="87075"]even discussing the subject upsets me. have people never heard of opportunity cost? what people are losing (apart from time) waiting for your sorry ass. i suggest people adopt the 10 minute rule. if you dont show within 10 minutes, i’m out. unless it is for my own ‘guday’ then the rule changes to 15 minutes.[/quote]
lol…. this is a good one. emebet you got it, i agree completely. i do that all the time
[quote comment="87080"]
People who are late are actually dying for attention and they so lack whatever it is they lack that they have to force attention on themselves by running late. This way we are forced to focus on their sorry ass (as emebet said) for how ever long it takes for them to show up. I mean we all have something that irritates others and to me people who are late just takes me there. I know a person who is always late and I once told him “you’d be late to your own funeral” and he kinda agreed.
[/quote]
I really agree that w/ some people the bolded is the case.
I have a real good friend that loves to be late on purpose. I asked her why she’s always late and she says, we’ll be “fashionably” late. I’m like “huh??” Bottom line, she LOVES the attention on her. Oh, and by the way, if she isn’t getting attention, she wants to leave and I”m forced to leave w/ her cause she drove:-(
One question, I’m Ethiopian but came to the states at the age of 6. I was taught to be on time and punctual to EVERYTHING. It was instilled in me.
So, where does this late thing come from??? I mean 99% of habeshas do it?? What the hell is behind it??
[quote comment="86592"][quote comment="86573"]I think that’s disrespectful and I have friends that do that. I have to lie and say that I am on my way when I haven’t even started getting ready yet.[/quote]
?[/quote]
lol…. so you think lying is better huh
Not really, but if I have to deal w/ people like this, I gotta make it easier for myself or it’ll drive me crazy.
I just think it’s SOOO disrespectful to have me sitting in the car, waiting on you and you’re up in your place just getting out of the shower. All along you told me you were already dressed:-((( UGH!!!
Let me try to answer your question, Dodie. I grew up in Addis. Back home we had time, lots of it. It just seemed that we had time for everything and more, we had time to say hi to everybody on the street, we don’t just say hi. We had time to ask about how the mom, the dad, the kids, the cousin, even the cow and the sheep are doing. we had time to go all the way to the airport if a cousin is flying to Russia, we had time to make coffee three times at one sitting and gossip, we had time to talk to strangers on the street, a lot of times we tell each other “see you tomoroow morning” without having to worry about what time in the morning. So in that kind of context being late is no big deal at all.
But now, we are busy busy busy. We don’t seem to have time for anything. We are timely but we don’t have time. We have the watch but not the time. Even when we have the time, we are not used to the relaxed approach to time.
Dinich right on point. Exactly that is what I mean. Quality of time is important than quantity. All the time they “save” being on time is a waste. They will end up
not spending one quality moment. I love it when people are late when I wait for them.
Gives me some quality time to spend alone like reading magazines in coffee shops.
If people enjoyed simple things they can manage time naturally without counting it.
Lol Dinich betam enlighting… thanks for the wonderful explanation… des sil having all that time... mts i miss it
Dinich, arif explanation. You are absolutely right. When we were back home we had time for EVERYTHING. Now we seem to accept the “I don’t have time” mentality even to make a call and say hello to family and friends. The sad thing is its not that we really don’t have the time, we just used to saying that we are busy all the time.
Me 2.
Dinich, thanks for the explanation:-)
I went back to visit Ethiopia once since I was born there, and I see that they have PLENTY of time…PLENTY. It’s a beautiful and relaxed environment, unlike here in the states.
“We had time to ask about how the mom, the dad, the kids, the cousin, even the cow and the sheep are doing.”
lool classic!!!!
lol! i had to laugh when i read this cuz um, we all have people like that in our lives!!! but the truth is they know that they can get away with it! cuz we love ‘em anyways…even tho it can be a pain in the ass!
One of my favorite quotes, and a completely impossible one to live by is “Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they are never disappointed.”
Don’t expect + positive outcome = unexpected positive outcome…
c’mon guys ……
I mean deep down inside we all expect but we cover it up in order to prevent ourselves form major disappointments. Have you not expected “that special” phone call form a date you had the night before? or expect others to treat u the way u would, regardless of who they are?
Don’t get me started on time management. I now live in Ethiopia and I still expect ppl to show up on time.. do I get disappointed? Hell yeah, ALL THE TIME. But I won’t learn form my mistakes. I REFUSE TO LEARN coz I expect oneday, this nation of ours will learn and appreciate the value of time.
P.s if anyone knows the secret to how not to expect… Do share it with me.
Ye’addisababawaa…”p.s if anyone knows the secret to how not to expect..do share it with me”
there is no such thing..always there is expectations and there is always disappointments (….it is part of live..so if someone say i don’t expect anything from anybody (it is lie..) and you are missing huge part of life. If you expect then your expectation did not meet well sorry but get over it. If your expectation did meet then wooww..enjoy it. Lets not avoid expecation in our life because of we dont like to be disappointed!!
[quote comment="89274"]Don’t expect + positive outcome = unexpected positive outcome…
c’mon guys ……
[/quote]
Loooooooooooool
i have also a couple of friends like that: always late. I figured out something to get the less of the incoveniance.I never give them an appointement somewhere where i have nothing to do.In a street,bus station .. always somewhere where i am busy: at my place,a book store (i could read),…Once i have finished what i was doing, i hust leave.
i always ask myself would i go there if i had not an appointement with him? If it is a clear no, i change the place. i told them so.
“Have you not expected “that special” phone call form a date”
Fortunatly, this is resolved with the mobile phone technology..You don’t have to stick in you living waiting for the call.
zelabaju
I’m talking about expectations and not the method used to call a person or receive a phone call. So, whether be it through a cell phone or a land line, my point is that we do expect to receive a call.
Fool me once, you PunKeD/Juiced me good. Fool me twice, I will bitch slap yo ass from one end of the pole to de oder!
Sup Bernosians, been a while… damn it didn’t anyone send out a search crew in flega of me, mts I guess it is true what they say in Fashion ‘this season your in, the next you are out’
) (Celbiye you missed fireworks as the Sir Mize 
)
Serves you right to know that I got busy with the wedding and all (yeah it is OhFish-al, The love of MWC and YekeyDama that was ignited & united here @ the floor of Bernos took flight to the outer deep space of nine and we are happy to announce our voyage has lead us to the alter of StarStuck matrimony. Many thanks to those of you who have encouraged our stroking
Nol, Your calculation works for every of human blunders that we came across every day. I personally don’t expect too much from people. And that is the reason why I am not angry most of the time. I call it “the law of self allowing” as the famous book puts it. I allow people to be themselves. I ask no more and any less from them. I ain’t dwell on the thought of changing them or their attitides. Rather it is by far so simple to change yoursef to meet their interest and walk their way. The only thing that matters is how important is that person to you and to evaluate his/her worth? If he/she is worth your sucrifice of your time and energy… be it. Follow the river without complaining about.
Maeb, good to know u r around
hmm…Maebiye,I wonder what will happen if you were to accomodate (or to put it the way u said it, ‘meet the interest of’) two of your dear friends at the same time? I guess we’ll find your right foot in the upper river, and your left foot in the lower one?
Yup, there is no such thing. I really believe that expectations are a part of life and we ALL do it. When people say, “don’t have any expectations”..especially in relationships, that is SOOOOO unrealistic to me. I mean, I’m only human and of course I’ll have my expectations. I’ll admit, I cover them up most of the time so I won’t get disappointed but they are always there:-(
Wud…So nice to learn that you still had the poetic sarcasm with you…
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The very root of your writing while sounding agreeable in the beginning, did not work well with me personally after some time. Someplace throughout the paragraphs you managed to make me a believer unfortunately only for a while. I still have a problem with your leaps in assumptions and one would do nicely to help fill in those breaks. If you can accomplish that, I will certainly be impressed.
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