A generation gap, a cultural gap….
Here is an issue that is most often not addressed but existent. Everyone talks about how they all went through culture-shock coming to "Wuch Ager" and how the young ones are fortunate because they can "fit" into the new environment easily…..and blah blah blah…
But a couple of months later…They are bitterly complaining about these same kids.
I find it sad when teenagers are going astray and having an identity crisis because their parents/relatives/guardians are walking around saying "Ahunema aysemanem…911 biterabegnes" and miss the important point of trying to bond with their kids in this new environment and try to understand them. It is no secret that immigrating to other countries is harsher for people in their 40s, 50s and above, but it is even more life-threatening for youngsters caught in between the Habesha culture they have been raised in and the Western values that they become an adult in. Not quite fitting in either one.
As much as it is important to understand the frustrations of people our parents' age, I think it has been taken for granted that these kids will become some success story because they live with their parents meanwhile the parents are just blaming the "bad influences of the Western values" for all the rebellion that their kids take part in. Although this is highly generalized, I find it that a lot of parent-child relationships go bad when they come to "Wuch Ager" because the kids don't know better because they are curious as to what the new land has got to offer and freedom makes the top of the list and the parents stick to their mentality from back home and refuse to see that they are not on the same page with their kids anymore and pretending and fed. It is not important whose fault it is but it is important to see that it is a misunderstanding and fix it.
I may not be a parent but I sure am an Adult who has to deal with this everyday and here is words of wisdom, to get your kids, especially teenage children, to listen to you. Try to understand them rather than just blindly expect them to avoid doing all that you said not to do because you said so. You know what they say, "where there is a will, there's a way."
The greatest downfall is thinking that you can get your kids in line by getting them to get scared of your "Kuta or Tefi." These kids won't ever tell you a thing, even when they are at the brink of disaster because they are so scared. The best way you can help them is to make them understand your rules by giving them a chance to make a point of their own in every argument instead of imposing what you believe. It gets you further and further apart that way. remember, children scared of you might give you an impression that they respect you and listen to you, but respect and fear are two completely different things, that's why are they are two different words.
Remember communication is a two-way street, listen to your kids when they say something because it is their way of reaching out to you…
Published by October 8th, 2006 in Current Issues and Family.
Rahwina, I love this topic as I was a child caught between the two cultures. Your points are right on.
What I am so sick and tired of hearing is he/she is American because someone grew up here. Many parents, I have noticed, think Americans don’t practice any method of dicipline, have restriction or values when it comes to their children. The last thing you want to do is allow someone else to do you parenting job for you because at the end of the day your child is your problem. Unless you are born in the US and raised by non-Ethiopian parents you are and will always be a foreigner. Where did we lose our values and pride? It seems the mighty green card is a ticket to losing our common sense, to most.
I don’t have any children, but from my observation of other parents, consistency is the key. What worked in Ethiopia may need to be slightly modified but should never be overhauled and re-written.
I LOVE my parents for always making sure their children, new the language, the culture, and inhereted their values. And they are not mommy and daddy they are emaye and gashe!
hey, betam teru topic newu! i think it might depend on what neighborhood the children are. for instance, i lived in the ghetto and i had so many,perhaps too many things to say to my parents. when i look back at those days, i appreciate my parents' stubborness because if they ever gave me an inch or compromised with me i would have ended up in jail or dead, or atleast unemployed for life! lol ..so i think the two-way street dialogue might not be all that in some cases..anyway sometimes it is necessary that our unweilding, uncompromising parents stay that way because they really do know more. the funny thing was at those days i used to think i was the man!!..smarter than my parents and they were just some old fashion, backward immigrant folks. they sure proved me wrong!! anyway there are many variables to be considered.
td, you were the fortunate one! I know a lot of kids who never made it to their 15th birthday cos the Iron-fist rule pushed them away from their parents and into the streets….In the land of the free, kids learn that they have other alternatives to home pretty early.
Although you have a great point about when given an inch, kids might just go all the way, at least you would know where your kids are when you have some good communication and possibly try to protect them instead of being in a complete dark till something tragic happens and you get to know what went down and the true nature of your child.
I think the greatest measurement to how a parents succeeded in raising their kids is how the kids turn out….Personally, i dont like it when parents force their kids to be book worms… as most ethio parents do… minamin..
Really this is a topic that is open to discussion.. there is no right way to do a certian thing…
and
people are just having too many kids…
Parents have to decide what works for THEIR kids. There is no right or wrong way of making sure your child grows up to be a balanced kid. I definitely don’t believe parents should force their children to conform to their views. Rather, EDUCATE the kids on their history and let them make their own decision. Most importantly, parents have to always remember children must act like their peers to fit in and they need cut them some slack.
AM gonna have to disagree with timo on this…. too much freedom especially when they are so young is a bad thing…
I think too much freedom is not good…. k this is what I think growing up my parents were not that strict compared to others but u know what happens u start wanting more…. my parents would let me go out clubbing once in a while… lets say once a month but guess what I started wanting to go out every weekend so I used to lie and go….. but imagined what would have happened if they let me go out every week? Don’t u think the next step would be going out on a school night? Or experimenting on drugs? all I’m saying is as a human nature everyone wants more than what they can get so…. I say most kids are gonna do things parents don’t want them to regardless how flexible u are so I think if parents are too open and let there kids do whatever they want to do I think those kids are gonna wander about the things the parents don’t want them to do…. am I making sense?
re:gigi
“am I making sense?”
>>>>
yes, you made a lot of sense.
your comment is proved by how some american kids are out of control and the current horrible situation in the west where parents are not respected, family values are gone, those who let their children do everything ending up with sad future.
I think a balance of both is the best thing
Hum…this is a very interesting topic. well, i am not a parent yet – hope to be one soon – but, i always think about what a big responsibility parenting is. parents have a big role in shapping their children’s lives (and hey how hard is it even to shape ones own life!), but how every parent does their parenting job is very diverse, though all is to reach the goal of helping shape their children’s good (or better) life. And, as much as the parenting styles of different people even within the same culture/country is different, the diversity is between how kids and their parents think how parenting should be. We are always at different age, maturity level and everything else from our parents, and we will never be able to think the way they do regarding their parnting jobs, wheter or not we like it. And, i think the phrase ‘balancing between being too strict and too flexible’ is relative and subjective. so, what i would say is that there should be a proper social study on our community to be able to identify the problems and drive possible solutions, since we are getting bigger in #s and our problems should be scientifically addressed as we go through the cultural shocks of adjusting between different cultures. Until then, whatever we beleive regarding our parents being too strict or too relaxed (I am not sure about that tough!), we should keep in mind that they are always doing that in the best interests of their us (their children). I think that makes a huge difference when we keep that in the corner of our mind whenever we try to evaluate their parenting jobs. And one last comment, I think they know a lot more than we think they do, and in most cases, they are smarter than we are!
There is a new book project that addresses this very topic. The essence is, for those who survived the perils of growing up abroad – how did you do it? how do you define your identity? what would you like to pass on to your children? etc. Take a look:
http://habeshadiaspora.wordpress.com/
A couple of years later, I would have to agree with limited freedom but I’m still on better communication: a dialogue. Having an open discussion with the kids doesn’t really translate to giving up much in terms of Authority.
Why is it I always really feel like you do?
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