Giving Up 39 Comments


A strong woman, feminist, independent, goal oriented.
I have a right!
“You have a right dammit!”, my alter ego emphasizes.
Or do I?

It only took less than 1 min for conception
BUT 10 days for the verdict.
For a split second, I was happy.
The idea of something so precious was given unto me.
Precious, something not to be taken away.
I felt ready for it.

“No, are you crazy?! Think about your career, you’re PARENTS!”

Fast forward to reality.
This is insane!! How did it happen?
How am I going to live with myself?
I can’t do it.
I have to go through with it.
At the end, I am the one who is going to get hurt.
I am the one who is going to be happy.
I am the one who is going to have to live with it.
I am the one.

Mixed emotions set in.
I could just imagine his face when it’s all said and done.
He promised never to let go no matter what.
He promised…
He promised…
“I’ll be there. I’m in it for the long run”, he said.

Today is the day, judgment day.
I layed there with my legs wide open.
I still remember the out of body experience
As I saw myself in agony and pain.
Moaning and Groaning, sounds of an orgasmic experience.
It felt as though a spirit was conceived within me.
Spirit of my ancestors?
Looking up at the ceiling, I prayed to a God I never knew.
I prayed for forgiveness.

“You’ll feel a little pinch”, this strange man says.
“Only five more seconds, five more. Hang in there” this man says.
Piercing through my insides, I feel as though I have been violated.
“Breathe, Breathe”, I hear.
It’s done, it’s over with.

I committed a sin.
I had reached the point of no return.
I committed a crime against humanity.
It was once a part of me.
And I was part of It.
It is now gone…

39 Responses to “Giving Up”

  1. 1 Tsedey

    What an incredible piece! It’s almost like looking at Frida Kahlo’s paintings. Clear and graphic expression of pain in losing a fetus although hers was thru miscarriage.

    Anyway, as controversial as the issue is, I can only say it could be the best decision in a woman’s life depending on the circumstance. Esp.

    A strong woman, feminist, independent, goal oriented.
    I have a right!

    Yes, you have a right!

  2. 2 Ameleworq

    Wow..very powerful!

  3. 3 Hidaya

    Poignantly sad the way you write about loss. My heart goes out to you.

  4. 4 beshou

    Thanks for those heartfelt comments. I just wanted to point out that this DID NOT happen to me :) I was just inspired by a class I took in college.

  5. 5 Wudnesh

    I like your writing style But it doesn’t get close enough to the mixed emotions those women feel. I once had to take a friend’s girlfriend to my doctor (..she didn’t want to see her ‘family’ doc, though she could have, unlike in America….) and it was hard even to me , as a collaborator, coz of my conviction. I am against it (one area I disagree with Obama, though I’m an active supporter of his)and the feeling of knowingly committing sin was devastating, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t trying to play a saint here, but it’s hard when it involves a life. And of course, being an independent, pro-life supporter who champions the right of unborn babies (I guess this will lead to the usual debate over “when exactly does life start?”…), didn’t help. But the mixed emotion I had to deal with was nothing compared to what she had to go through…she was almost suicidal. I am not sure whether my decision to help her was based on choosing to save an adult’s life over an unborn baby’s life…..or whether it was just that I couldn’t deal with seeing a beautiful young girl, who had much to look forward to, suddenly crushed.
    I sometimes look back and wonder if she hates me for taking her there….or if she still thinks she made the right decision.
    Thank you Beshouye for writing about an emotive issue

  6. 6 c'est moi

    ““You have a right dammit!”, my alter ego emphasizes.
    Or do I?”
    Beautifully said . Do we really have a choice? I don’t think we do .
    All the choices are already made for us through circumstances. we just think we made the choice and feel either proud or guilty or whatever .
    But seriously the woman does not make the choice .

  7. 7 Ye-Inatu-Lej

    It amazes me how “men” with political power are the ones clamoring to take those rights away. Even if not a personal experience for you, many women suffer the agony that comes with such a difficult decision – (I have witnessed it from the waiting room first-hand). Well articulated!

  8. 8 Doro Mata

    I thought it was about losing virginity.

  9. 9 Mengedegna

    [quote comment="134722"]I thought it was about losing virginity.[/quote]

    Same here. :=)… It’s a good piece and very thought-provoking I find.

  10. 10 masinkomelody

    Ayeee, menge and doriye…was the first time that bad ende that it’s equated with a crime against humanity :) :)

    Love it Beshou!!

    What’s worse, giving up a love seed or birthing a hate seed? i cringe at the thought of what women who are victims of war crimes go through.

  11. 11 Helen

    [quote comment="134722"]I thought it was about losing virginity.[/quote]
    Doro Mata, if it was about losing virginity the strange man would have said “you will feel a little prick…” not “pinch” :P

    In all seriousness though great post Bishou. I wouldn’t have called it “a crime againist humanity.” but that is just me.

  12. 12 Dr. Ethiopia

    Superb. And very original.

  13. 13 bgFelasfit

    i can see this being a very powerful spoken word piece beshou…performed in an emotive voice…i really liked the last line -very provocative!
    it would be cool to hear it written in your voice tho – You, who is imagining herself in the place of a woman going through it. Expressing what you imagine she thinks and feels…and your conflicting ideas about her feelings and thoughts, maybe finally ending with a related personal experience…just a thought…

  14. 14 Dinich

    And I thought it was about delivering a baby until I read some of the comments….

    Nice real issue post, Beshou

  15. 15 Bed_ford

    Nice piece; those rights sometime have been abused and used as birth control method. I used to believe it is a “Women Right”; but now I have a second thought.

  16. 16 Selam2

    Great Pieces Beshou!! Truly original…

    …just makes me wonder….any woman going to come forwarded and admit this happened to them first hand? All the comments I see are from those who have witnessed it second hand…just make me wonder…hummm

  17. 17 Anon

    No question you have a right, but if you are gonna feel you have committed a sin against God, ancestors, and *humanity*…can one be the same again?

  18. 18 beshou

    wow, i didn’t expect all this feedback. again, thank you so much!!

    bgfelasfit, most of my pieces are spoken word oriented. I’ve only delivered a couple of pieces cuz I’m not the best ‘performer’. i also usually write in the first person cuz i feel it’s easier to relate.

    Where do I stand on this issue? I am torn. Pro life cuz i can’t believe anyone would take away a precious life, even though it’s still a fetus. Pro choice cuz i also feel like some women may have been victims of sexual assaults and who would want to carry a rapists child around? it’s tricky.

    I’ve heard countless stories from women that have had abortions and regret it and others who just had to do it. I can’t judge, and i don’t think any of us can. We just have to be able to support those who chose to do so. Wudnesh, in retrospect, the girl may or may not hate you now for what you did then. But at the time, you were there to help her out when she needed you.

  19. 19 sosina

    What does killing an unborn child have to do with feminism? Sincerely apologize to anyone who has been through the trauma of the procedure because I can imagine it is not an easy decision but come on, it has nothing to do with feminism. Having rights over what happens to your body means that you have a right to decide to lay down with someone with or without protection knowing full well that there is no 100% guarantee that you will not at best get pregnant or at worst get a disease of some sort. It is a decision that you make as a woman, and I do support your right to do that with whomever you choose. But after that decision results in conception, I have no idea how that still remains in woman’s rights territory instead of human rights. And this is in no way meant to minimize the life changing aspect of pregnancy/motherhood on a woman and mostly only on the woman. But if I ruin my credit, I can’t just walk away without consequences. If I hit someone, there are consequences. For every misstep, aren’t there consequences? Yes, you are no ready. Yes, it is unfair that something you made with someone else now is really mostly just your problem. But it is what it is. Killing that thing (and I hate the word ‘abortion’, it sanitizes what is really killing) is the shrugging of responsibility by eliminating the evidence. Bankrupt the bank and they won’t care about your loan. Kill the guy you punched, so he won’t file a complaint with the police. Timing for motherhood a bit off? Financial/psychological situation not ideal? kill the kid.

    I apologize for the harsh tone, but it has to be said.

    And please, I know someone is dying to write about rape and cases where the mother’s life is in danger. Don’t. I have no answers.

  20. 20 Hidaya


    You write with feeling even if it is not autobiographical and you write beautifully.

    I also liked the fact you told us this wasnt a personal experience later after your piece was read rather than before, sorry for the assumption I made but the first person tone threw me. Please give it a voice, yours or others, I think it would make a brilliant monologue…

  21. 21 Weregna Lij

    Wow…. powerful joint! Tnx for sharin’ wiz us!

  22. 22 beshou


    let me play devil’s advocate,

    SO mistakes happen. We are all human. Yes, we all have to own up and pay the price. But what if a choice is given unto you? You would stare your 2nd chance in the face? It’s a choice, or it’s also an accident that happen. Imagine you being on welfare, or the only child that is going to high school and has the possibility to go to college. Put yourself in a lot of countless women’s shoes and try to imagine how it would be.

    You said killing that ‘thing’? So it’s safe to assume that you are pro-life and yet called a fetus a ‘thing’. We are all entitled to our opinions, but unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes you can’t sit there and preach the gospel.

    my two cents.

  23. 23 beshou

    oh, and thanks to hidaya and weregna lij!

  24. 24 sosina

    I assume you are pro-life too. Most human beings are. I didn’t want to trivialize the issue by labeling one party pro-life and the other pro-choice as if believing in ‘choice’ makes you against life or believing in life makes you against choice.

    Apologies if my tone was preachy (Gospel? I’m not even a Christian – but ok) We can dwell on semantics but the basic argument about killing the ‘thing’ or ‘fetus’ still stands. Your ’2nd chance’ is if it was not illegal to kill your enemy in order to get a 2nd chance, would you? Maybe enemy doesn’t work, how about an intruder…but it isn’t really an intruder because you invited it in. It is not standing in judgment of whoever is in that position it is just stating the facts as they are.

    anyway, the never ending circle of arguments can begin here so let me get back to what puzzled me at first…what makes this a feminist issue? Seems more like a human rights issue.

    But whatever. Seems it will not be productive to get into it here. Not in the mood for arguments. Cheers.

  25. 25 Helen

    [quote comment="135309"]beshou,
    I assume you are pro-life too. Most human beings are. I didn’t want to trivialize the issue by labeling one party pro-life and the other pro-choice as if believing in ‘choice’ makes you against life or believing in life makes you against choice.

    Sosina, so who gets to decide when life begins? You? Me? The rabbi? The Imam? Priests? The doctors? Because every one of us could have a different opinion, belief or scientific fact. That is why abortion is a choice issue for me. I don’t believe life begins at conception. So I wouldn’t consider taking RU-486 as murder or crime against anything. Somebody else might. That is the beauty of choice. If you get pregnant accidentally or without plan you will chose to keep it. I on the other hand, love having a choice in whether I decide to keep it or not. It is my body and I get to decide if I want to be pregnant or not.

  26. 26 Inat

    A True story.

    It was my last year of college. I only had 20 credit hours to complete and I would have my Advertising and Communication degree by spring.
    I was looking forward to working in New York City and starting an independent life. I called my mom and told her I was not feeling well. She agreed to meet me somewhere in Manhattan. She bought me chicken soup and told me to drink the ( merek). I was still in pain. We decided to get on the subway and head to the hospital. It was not far but I was in a hurry to find out why I was in such pain? The nurse gave me a cup and told me to pee in it and place it in the small window. I did that and went back to the waiting room. My mom was exited to see me. She kept saying ayzosh yene lij. Shortly the nurse called my name and told to follow her to a small examieng room. I thought she was going to tell me it’s what I ate or tell me I was allergic to something????
    Time stopped as the nurse told me I was pregnant. Everything became a blur. The room the air the light all of a sudden became brighter. I felt my ears getting hot then my head got hot then my whole body got hot and I was struggling to breath. The nurse asked me if I was ok. I didn’t say anything at first, and then I asked how am I pregnant? She looked at me puzzled half smiling. I asked her how she knew? More puzzled look. I told her I couldn’t …
    I have to go back to school to my 4:15 Broadcasting class. I told her I can’t I didn’t even say the word. I kept saying I can’t. She kept looking at my chart and asked me if this was my first pregnancy. Then she said “you’ll be ok it Happens all the time. girls A Lot younger than you have 2 or three babies. She showed me the little testing device. It had a faint pink plus sign on it. I stared at that pink sign for a long time my mind and I left the room while staring at that pink Plus sign.
    I thought about how was I going to come to terms with this life altering information the nurse just told me.
    I was sweating. My forehead was wet my hands were wet. I was in a total shock. I never thought I would be pregnant before graduating from college or before getting married. There was so much at stake so much to look forward to I had plans to travel, join professional organizations, I am what you call your typical If I put my mind to it I can do it all kind of girl”
    I guess my mom was tired of waiting…She slowly made her way to where I was and asked me if I was ok?
    I was frozen. Min din mew? Min honeshibign? Yetal Docteru????
    I was frozen. A sweaty hot frozen person.
    I couldn’t look at her my eyes were glued to the marble floor. I felt dizzy very lightheaded.
    Then I just said it. I am pregnant mom.
    I knew she was furious but she did not let it show. There was an uncomfortable silence
    Mom “ I didn’t know you had a relationship? Who is the father?
    Me…. I told her his name..
    Mom- Indet? He doesn’t live in NY ?
    Me- I explained it was during my short visit to Virginia?
    Mom silent.. I was still looking down at the dizzying marble floor.
    The nurse stood at the door and said the doctor will see you shortly and discuss your options.
    Mom Ayzosh Bet sin’iders ineNgageralen. She stood up and told me I will meet you at home (she meant her place) and left the room. She did not want to talk to the doctor.
    The doctor confirmed what the nurse said and asked me if I was going to keep it?
    I said yes. And stood firm by my decision. Many said I was throwing away my future. What about school? Career? The hardship I would go through etc etc….
    God had a different plan for me.
    Fast forward

    (baby’s father) and I married few months before I gave birth. We have 4 children.
    I am still working on my education. With God’s help I will completer my studies one day.

    Thank you for reading. I welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions.

    God Bless You.

  27. 27 Abeba

    Thank you Inat for sharing your personal story.

    Do you look back and regret your decision now?

    I see a lot of abesha couples getting married because they are pregnant. I don’t know what I would do if I were in that situation. Are you happy in your marriage?

  28. 28 Doro Mata


    you’ve put it so vividly! I really enjoyed reading it and thank you, for sharing such a personal story! I applaud you for making up your mind right away and sticking to your decision! I hope it’s turned out to be a happy and blessed marriage for you! — i’m thinking it is since you’ve decided to have three more bundles of joy :-)

  29. 29 beshou


    Thank you so much for sharing!

  30. 30 Ingida


    I have no regrets. I am blesses by God beyond measure. I have four beautiful healthy kids and a good husband. Things were not always easy we had to go to really hard times. Gin Igziabihair Yimesgen bicha new yemilew.
    I have to thank God everyday. for all the blessings.

  31. 31 Inat

    Sorry I don’t know where i got Ingida I meant to sign as Inat

  32. 32 Wudnesh

    Inat…..You brought tears to my eyes…BIG hug coming your way {{}}.

    Praise be to God for helping you. But of course not everyone in that situation has supportive partner/family….or collects her strength to make sound decision. Yea, u r truly blessed!

  33. 33 bgFelasfit

    wow inat! u’re a superwoman! thank u for a lesson about what courage is all about! and keep on keeping on! :)

  34. 34 Mengedegna

    Thank you for sharing your personal story, Inat! It’s quite touching, yet uplifting.

    Best of luck with your endeavours.

  35. 35 yachilej

    in my opinion, life IS a series of choices.

  36. 36 Inat

    Abeba, Beshou, Doro Mata, Wudnesh, bgFelasfit, Mengedegna

    Thank you all for your the nice comments.

  37. 37 kanye Eastside

    Condensed Reality

  38. 38 Ben Thompson

    I found more here if anyone’s interested

  39. 39 Ben Thompson has a similiar post if anyone’s interested

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