Dating, Mating, Texting, Sexing, Sexting, Meat marketing…It’s Wednesday night, you’re waiting for the Qonjit you met at that swanky jazz spot on Friday Night to call you back – she seemed into the music but way more into you.. I mean, you were exchanging smoldering looks over that candle while you argued about the origin of jazz and the African roots that seeped in from beats in Blues and Gospel and the Latin beats that also happen to have some African flavor and on and on with the rumble & thump of that jazz bass, low and deep…
On the flip side – in a parallel plane, 2 Saturday nights ago she got stuck with the friend of a friend who seemed to drop interesting insights about the business scene in Addis, ideas that had sunk into her mind as they caused her to pause and reflect, even squint a little bit. But then her friend’s birthday party turned upbeat & as the music came on it wasn’t just his ideas that were sinking into different parts of her; causing her to pause and repel; this time in unpleasant ways. And so it goes — daram paramp pam... the parade of days in Modern day dating. Last month you were fawning over “never gonna call you” and over-analyzing your “Ms/Mr Unavailable,” and in a few weeks you’re the one narrowing your eyes as someone asks you for a dinner as you wonder “will I be leading her/him on if…” .
At best it feels haphazard, at the most comedic it feels like a pre-set skit complete with stage design, costumes, sound effects and bloopers. Modern-day dating and it kinks and tentacles wrapping up your limbs guiding you to act one way or another be it by “The Rules” or according to “The Game” you learned as pearls of wisdom from that “Pick-Up Artist” book…  waiting 3 days to call? Do you have to ‘put out’ on the 5th date? Does he just want to get into your pants? Is she just here to enjoy a free meal? why is it so hard to shrug off that ‘on again/off again’ ex? Is sex gonna complicate your friendship? Did she just downgrade you to the “friend zone”? Is he interested, or collecting ego notches? Why do all the nice girls like the bad boys? Why are all the hot good guys taken or gay? An on and on and on…

Eventually, even this mass of messes is crumbling and it seems less people than ever are actually “dating” in college campuses but still “hook up” a lot (you might wonder – does the real world reflect college?). And there is countless periodic “the state of marriage” media commentary coming out lately. Lamenting:  Is it obsolete? What’s the point anyway? Well let the gays have it since they seem to want it more than straights with those 50% (?) divorce rates… And then the fairytale and romantic comedy myths enter; on cue – princesses, villains, hyper-sexed culture & porn: sex sells, how long has it been since you got laid, booty calls, f**k buddies, friends with benefits, benefits with exes…is your head whirling yet? I present to you some of the slush that swirls around the mind of a young-something modern-day dater.

Swimming in the depth of this, I realized something that hit me amidst my “is there a spark” vs. “he’s such a great guy” battle: in all this hoopla I am totally missing out on getting to know an awesome human being! And that was a big light bulb moment! In the long run, as a dater, the current dating dynamic does not serve my purposes at all! *blinks* *wtf* I absolutely love friendships — I mean the real kind that nourish your spirit and help you as you build your moments and place in the world. A relationship – in my mind – would be an extension of that because all I really want is someone that I’m supremely attracted to & can be intimate with but then can spend a lot of time with & connect with on many other realms; usually the realms for friends. I mean I really gotta like you to wanna date you is what it comes down to. The ironic part is – for the most part – there’s no safe space or way to explore a low key “multifaceted” connection with someone based on who they are as a human because both of us seem to get yanked into some Act 4 Scene 2 of a dating skit and we jump on that carousel of “am I being needy to be texting him 6 times today?” dilemma. I mean seriously?? No really that’s a real question… I have much better things to do than wasting time contemplating the lines in this play especially when I won’t even get to access the human being for who he is vs. the “alpha male” “nice guy” “successful guy” “funny guy” “mr. mysterious” or whatever persona he’s playing to impress! And all this simply cos we got or will get “physical”? While on the flip side I’m wondering if he’s scheming how to get into my pants. *FOH* Excuse me while my jaw drops….  *sigh* I realize some might enjoy all of this fanfare but honestly — life’s ripe for living and I ain’t particularly interested minus in “building a genuine connection” to let it mess up my hair or waste my time! I could completely do without all the fan fare and simply build the connection if I had the choice.

A few conversations with friends got me thinking… I like the unassuming, casual way that friendships form and build without people having to be ‘on guard’ or ‘on point’ or anything else except fully themselves. And that is the reason the authentic friend connections can build in a natural progression. How awesome would it be if you can get to know a person for who they are without the bells and whistles, without the expectations and constraints and “skits” “soundtracks” etc. In the “get to know you” phase, all of these could be fully suspended with 100% focus on getting to know a person with an understanding that you could become friends, acquaintances, lovers, dating etc. This way we’re not in the “put on” business obsessing about “putting out” while tip toeing around what could “put off” the other person …. phew!

I wanna call it prototype FriendshipPlus — a step to be inserted at the beginning of the process when meeting someone. It’s essentially an understanding the connection could go on to be a friendship, acquaintance but even more awesomely — a dating situation. That is, as long as both people are cognizant, honest and open with no expectations. In the best case scenario, the suspension of expectations and constraints would lower guards, create a safe space and allow a human-to-human connection minus all the crazy fanfare flying around in the dating world. Am I crazy to think this would be awesome??

I have a friend who always buys present to girls in his life; expensive ones, considerate ones, cheap ones and significant ones.

A friend, a female one once asked me why I agonize about time; time I spend with potential mates while they are still potential… “as long as you are sharing the costs. I’m just saying.” This way when I was 24 years old and well my time was a gift. It’s funny to think about it now. But it makes reiterates a good lesson in my life.

What is your protocol?

That is what he asked when they were about to pay for whatever it is they were going to do? She asked what he meant, and he recapped; how do you want to deal with our finances?

Meaning, do you want to split the bill, or he pays this time and then she pays the next time. He wanted to make it clear.

Now she is still seeing him casually but I refer to him as ‘protocol.’  The choices in his wording are pretty funny but he is African American; and am somewhat stereo typing but I like ‘lets get something straight’ while you are potential aspect of it in that culture.

For me the little dinners or theater tickets have never been an issue, at the time when I was 25 I was more worried about my time. As long as she offers to share the bill I don’t mind paying for it. And this applies for most guys. I think! As long as she doesn’t take it for granted. I have heard guys say ‘nothing is more a turn off that those who attempt to get too many freebies.’

I have noticed that some females insisting on paying for their fair share; At least from my experience.

So what is your protocol?

I need him in my life. In awkward situations he is a life saver and never boring with his wealth of ideas. If I am not enjoying my company he makes whoever it is feel less important by his constant presence. Everyday he comes up with these great ideas for short weekend trips or cozy Italian dinners.

He never forgets what I tell him or what I give him. The only time I had a fight with him was the time he was too stubborn to forget. Well that was my fault. I over indulged him with too much information. I have yet to be forgiven for some of my childish mistakes.  I think he simply puts it in the back burner somewhere and we are good again.

Sometimes I worry. I worry practical worries of where our relationship is heading and how I am becoming overtly dependant on him soon enough I talked to him about these worry and instantly he comes up with solutions. Many a nights he had his way with me leaving me exhausted till my joints ache, but he kept going and going and left me wanting more. It is like he has indispensible energy or something. Some other nights he takes me to these places I can only imagine…

I also feel well read these days thanks to him. He subtly brings up books and stuff to read. He does not push it or anything. He just pops it up amidst conversation. I am able to read summaries of Jane Austen’s classics.

Sometimes I feel exhausted, beat-up with red eyes and all. He has issues with overloading me with some things I simply don’t have to know or hear. He is addictive! I am telling you he is like a drug readily available in my pocket. He could also be too clingy at times insisting to sit on my lap even in public. I am the type that does not show affection in public.

Everything seems to go in a daze these days. I can’t stand people. I can’t stand how slow they move. He has become my point of reference and I keep comparing his efficiency with them and they fail miserably. He is so self organized as well.

I sometimes don’t have a recollection of what I did to entertain myself before we started hanging out. I also fear that people will start saying I am with him all the time minamin. My best friend says I am just another girl to him. She says that I am just using him to fill void from daily life. She complains that we don’t spend time like we use to because of him.

He also values old friends and family. I spent virtual time with old friends because of him. I have also avoided friends because of him.  Life without him is unthinkable and comparable with the dark ages. Hold on …what was the real story behind the dark ages anyway…?

I have to ask him that too. I told you he is like an addictive drug but his side effects are starting to work adversely. He is my source of everything. I see the world through his eyes. Help me! How do I go on with this affair???????????

The words for dating always confuse me. I don’t understand how dating differs from hanging out; if you go on a date does it mean you are dating? Blah blah

I personally just call it talking. I am talking to this girl. If we hang out a couple of times, i.e., we go on a date, does it mean we are dating? Or are we just talking. If it gets physical and we don’t end up talking the next day or the day after then I know it’s a hook up.

The point is, that is mostly depends on the girl. She literally makes the choice initially.

I once was on a date or so I thought and a random female stranger came up to her and told her that she was pretty; and then followed it with a question inquiring if we were married.

I loved the question. It would be interesting to hear what the girl was going to say. If I was on the spot I would have joked about it as I have many times.  Yes we are married! In fact we are from Madagascar on our honeymoon; I don’t think she would have married me if she didn’t get pregnant.

She didn’t joke about it.  She is not the joking type.  She never jokes. She was going to tell her the truth. But I didn’t know if her truth is matched my truth. It’s like poker; don’t bluff if you are going to get called. If she said he is my boyfriend, I probably wouldn’t like it. If she said we are dating, I would most likely think that is somewhat accurate.

She said we are just friends. GRRR! I figured that is the least presumptuous and safe answer.

I didn’t like it! And it got even worse when the stranger at that point wanted to introduce her to someone she thought would be a good match for her. I just sat back and listened to the stranger went on and one about the guy.

At this point, I was done. I dont hang out with new girls just to be friends.  I would have walked away right there but I wanted to make it obvious that I didn’t care! Then I really didn’t care anymore, I didn’t call her or get in touch.

In her own pace, weeks later she contacted me, asking to hang out. I think we hanged out a few times more and things fizzled out through no ones fault. If she had treated me better I think I would have treated her better. Basically I didn’t like her choice of language.

Of course, there are extremes of the language situation both from the males and the females. I have heard one guy say to a girl that they are ‘just f***king‘ after a year of doing just that. I have heard a girl say she is just hanging out after stringing a guy along for unreasonable amount of time.

And I myself have been guilty and or a victim of this in many situations. I am just saying that the choice of language is an important aspect of any relationship — be it a booty call or an LTR.

Disclaimer: not all parts of this story are completely accurate.

This guys if weird, I mean really weird and whenI saw this video I couldn’t stop laughing. I could see how this could happen.

Regardless though, I was surprised this morning when I got an email this morning claiming that “… this sums of most of your articles on Bernos.”

Which is even more funnier than the idiot on the video. I really hope you guys don’t see me or parts of my opinions that I have shared through the past few years remotely similar to this guy.

Let me know

I got burnt, played, bamboozled, punked, schooled fucked over, taken or whatever else slang terms are used when someone is fooled. My sister recently told me that she hates it when someone tells her that they are a good judge of character.

The phrase is, ‘I know people;’ knowing people as in figuring out someone’s moral character or integrity at first sight. Apparently everyone thinks that they are a good judge of character when no one really is, was what she was referencing.

I am of the opinion that she is right, not everyone is good at figuring people out right at first sight. I prefer to judge based on historical evidence, hence I ask questions, lots of them. I try not to use volunteered answers to against them but it helps me categorize people in groups.

Yes, I know I am not perfect; in fact I am far from it. My faults are more than a page, but for all that I lack, I make it up with loyalty and honesty. And regardless of someone’s faults, if I feel like someone is loyal and honest with me, I will accept them as a trusted acquaintance and or sometimes although rare, as my friend.

I am always surprised by how patient men are with women. The players don’t care so they just ignore women who are reaching out for attention by playing games. The others just wait and wait and then eventually forget without making a big deal out of a big issue.

People do whatever they want and say sorry or just ignore that fact they did so without consideration of someone else’s position.

I am proud to say, I am the opposite of most males. I am not like those players who just don’t care, because I do. I am not like those guys who are so patient, women could walk all over them and they just sit there and wait like a mat; I have no patience whatsoever.

My lack of patience has protected me and I respect it for that. It also limits my experiences with people in general, but nobody is perfect and it’s a balance I am happy to live with.

I got played this past week, someone set me up and kept setting me up for a week, like a con artist sets up the mark by gaining their confidence. The fact is I suspected the person for a trickster and had a change of heart at some point.

The same point the tricksters suggested that I maybe the con man who was playing games. I felt guilty, awkward and then said things I will regret for a long time to come.

Like the girl from 10th grade in high school who recommended I touch her big boobs, nonchalantly suggesting that I leave my girl friend for her and not remembering the encounter behind the stairway of English class after I broke up with my real girlfriend. I will remember.

The mark was set up! You think you can spot a con artist because he/she someone you instinctively “don’t trust.” But the term con artist is short for confidence artist — they gain your confidence just long enough to get their hands on your trust.

Then boom, you are burned; played, chumped!

And that is what happened to me, it only took a week to get set up! Although this kind of things are very common in our society and is seen as no big deal, get over it, it happens; its hard to swallow for me and it has only happened 3 times. Two of them I shared, maybe I will share the other one day.

It always makes me wonder why some women have their choices of guys while others don’t, regardless of their physical appearance. I know women who could pass for models that have problems getting and keeping a significant other, while an average Jane will have a man of her choice at her beck and call to do with as she pleases.

Although there are number of variables at play here but underneath the surface it’s really simple. While being physically above average is a vital factor, it’s not so important enough to change the statistical advantage of the right personality.

Well, first I thought I would for a  female perspective? Their lack of a concrete answers surprised me. It’s like the online dating advice columns; the top 10 mistakes women make if you Google it  the answers are completely different.

I personally don’t think its fair that the “good” have harder time than the “not so good” but c’est la vie!

Women that are approachable get the most approaches, com’ons and dates. I am not saying be a slut, men like a challenge and respect women that respect themselves thus if this ‘approachable woman’ is going to be in his life for the long haul then she has to “not too easy.”

That basically the beginning part, keeping a guy is a little more complex but talking is hard for most men, if they do talk its likely just to be talk. I think a girl who is living her life and not obsessing about the future tends to keep a guy around long enough for him to be interested in thinking about the long-term part.

Last but not least and I think the most important part; some just make better choices at the beginning. Alpha males are more options and tend to play the hand they are dealt thus its better to be give the regular Joe (a nice guy) a chance.

Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with me. Just my advice to women with questions. I am of the opinion that 80% of males are way to nice.

Well, I wanted to say something about this for a while now, I sense I might have hinted the way I feel about the topic here and there but I wanted to tell guys what I see. But as easily as I express myself I didn’t know how to flow the words to say this without sounding like victim myself.

I for one, am prone not to be a victim per say, not because I am smarter than most but because I lack the patience of the norm.

Based on real experiences with ‘lets call them acquaintances’’ but in reality they are less than that, they are people I have seen or had very few conversations with.

There is Carrie, who is a friend, a platonic one at that. She asked me to hang out with her and her friends who I will call Deidra.  Deidra gets dropped off by Jimmy in a nice BMW in front of the ‘outside table of the restaurant,’ I was sitting with Carrie.

I have known both these girls casually for a while and I could talk to them freely. I mentioned the car, and she became defensive and said

he’s not my Boy Friend!”

So we discussed it the rest of the evening. Jimmy started hanging out with Deidra casually. Then it became more consistent, she knew he was interested in her but he didn’t make a move. She was not feeling the same way, but she enjoyed his attention and company as friends.

He didn’t make it clear he wanted more than friendship thus she continued to see him. When he finally had the courage to make his motives clear, she told him honestly that she was not interested in more than friendship at this time.

Thus it was left at that but they continued to hang out, since she was single. I told her it’s wrong for her to mislead him to which she reiterated her honesty.  It was left at that.

Half a year or so later, I ran into Carrie, Deidra and Jimmy among others at a gathering of sorts. I was introduced to Jimmy, and we all hanged out. It was not clear if at first that Deidra had a change of heart and gave him a chance but as the night went on things became clearer. Jimmy is still looking for more while Deidra is looking elsewhere.

I wanted to slap him, scream or something! Dude WTF are you doing? Get a back bone, run, say something just don’t sit here and watch her flirt with anyone but yourself. It was unbearable to watch.

I didn’t say anything; it was neither my place nor my business.

A few months pass and my friendship with Carrie although not strong, persevered. I heard about Deidra and her new real boy friend, one she could publicly acknowledge.

I once was asked to help both of them out because they encountered an emergency while driving to the airport near my place. I arrived to find Carrie and Deidra outside Deidra’s car with luggage rushing to catch their flight. Jimmy and his bimmer arrived shortly thereafter. It had already been decided; I would drive them to the airport while Jimmy would figure out a way to get her car towed to her apartment or a mechanic.

While we were driving I asked why Jimmy was called instead of the boyfriend, I couldn’t help but not say anything in this situation. Deidra said that the BF said he couldn’t.

I thought if it was me, and realized that it would never happen to me. It had happened to me once when I was younger and naïve but it was much shorter period of time, like 2 weeks! My experiences has thought me if a female is interested she is interested otherwise there is nothing you or anyone can do to make her change her mind.

It’s rare that waiting for a female to make up her mind or change her mind becomes really worth it, I thought at least in this case patience is not a virtue.

I guess I have to say it more plainly, although jimmy was and remains to be an idiot, the girl is a bitch that she is intentionally misleading him to keep her options open.

The names and plot of this story although not a fictious have been changed to protect the identity of the characters or should I say victims.

I see her every morning in my commute to work.  She is a pretty woman; probably in her early to mid thirties.  I immediately recognize her.   I know her.  Not her personally, just her ‘Ethiopian-ness ‘— if there is such a word.  I always smile and say hi and she does the same but we never strike up a conversation, until one day last week when she sat next to me.  Like I sometimes do and like countless others have said to me before I say “Abesha nesh Aydel” she says “enem eko mesleshing neber, gin I wasn’t sure.” It’s a familiar conversation I have had it many times before.

We continued to chit chat all the way to our destination.  I found out she has been married for a couple of years and she has a 9 month old son.  She works in the day time from 8 – 4.  Her husband takes care of their son while she is at work; she comes home around 5:30 pm.

They have about a couple of hours together and he goes off to work and comes home at around four in the morning.  And they do this every weekday.  They only see each other a couple of hours a day.  But they are both off on the weekends.

While she is telling me her story all these questions are going through my mind. I felt a tremendous amount of admiration for their commitment and dedication.  We are probably about the same age, but I am single and no children.  The only thing I am dedicated to is Thursday night TV so I won’t miss The Office and 30 Rock.  Actually I lied; I don’t even do that anymore because now I can watch it online anytime.  But I suppose if I had a child I will probably do what I have to do to take care of him or her.  At least that is what all my friends with kids tell me.

Her story started me thinking about marriage long after I got off the bus.  Is marriage just an institution to raise kids? What about love and romance? How realistic is it for a marriage to succeed if you only see your spouse just a couple of hours a day and just on the weekends? Or could this be about a perfect case of absence making the heart grow fonder or is it more like out of mind out of sight? Could one have a marriage just on the weekends?

For me marriage on the weekend thing wouldn’t work for me.  Marriage is more than just raising children.   I am not saying I need to be with my man 24/7 but a couple of hours a day and just weekends wouldn’t work for me.   I need the romance, friendship, companionship of my husband, as well as time with my child and it would be nearly impossible to fit all that in just the weekends.

photo source

The smell of yerga chaffe fills my nose and I am taken by the rich seductiveness of its scent. It takes me to Lake Tana, to the buna farmers, and back again to where I am now. Where am I? I am sitting in my boyfriend’s family’s house after dinner and witnessing the famous coffee ceremony. I am amazed as the incense swirls into the air, as the roasted coffee smell wafts into the apartment’s atmosphere, and the beauty of it all.

If only life was as simple as sipping a small porcelain cup of coffee…

I am a woman. I am a feminist. I am an American and more specifically…Black American. My mother has Southern roots in South Carolina and Georgia and my father is a racial “mut” (as he likes to call himself). Being Black American and entering the habesha world has been interesting and sometimes frustrating.

Since a young girl, I was introduced to many of the different cultures within Ethiopia and Eritrea through my father who had a love affair with the continent of Africa before my conception. He, being a man of philosophy and theology, was interested in Ethiopia as one of the birthplaces of ancient Christianity. I learned about the different peoples of Africa and fell in love with a handful of countries. Ethiopia and Eritrea have always been in my top five. My father explained how the people of Ethiopia and Eritrea were compassionate and good people. And they are.

However, I was not prepared for the tightly knit nature of the habesha culture. When I met and fell in love with a habesha man, I was not ready for the frustration that would ensue. I was not ready for the remarks from habesha women that were along the lines “why did I take a good one?” because my boyfriend had a great paying job. I was not ready for the disgusted stares that would come from the habesha community as we walked down the U street corridor.

I would come home at night and ponder how some members of the habesha community could be so against one brown person loving another brown person. I wasn’t angry, but frustrated. I knew about the pride of the people. I knew they were never colonized and I knew they thought they were the most beautiful people in the world. I wasn’t against their views, matter of fact, I was attracted to my boyfriend because he was beautiful inside and out. The attitudes persisted…

However, the stares and the comments did not prepare me for what was brewing at home between us. Culture is our very own eyeglasses – our lens – that we don’t take off. We use them to see the world and it is always the right prescription because it is ours. It is what we know – it is our tape that replays every second in our lives. As me and my boyfriend looked at each other with our own lens, we discovered our own shortcomings and our cultural definitions which were hard to exchange or challenge.

I was a feminist and I had problems accepting the perceptions and roles of some women in Ethiopia and Eritrea. He had concerns with the American woman and the individualistic nature of most Americans. Although he didn’t believe the stereotypes of Black Americans, I am sure it was in his subconscious mind. I would call him African – he would say “I am habesha.”

I would tell him that those countries were in Africa and he would say “we were told that we were different, but I know that we are in Africa.” I told him that racism abounds although Obama was elected. He didn’t believe me. He thought that Washington DC was a mirror for the rest of this great land called the United States. These minor cultural misunderstandings would continue into our relationship and force us to go deeper and challenge us to think broader and in a more real sense. However, it came to a head one chilly day in 2009.

My boyfriend walked outside of a grocery store and it happened. What Black Americans know and never forget….that it lives…and it rears its head in the nastiest of ways sometimes. My habesha boyfriend walked out of the grocery store and mistakenly walked behind a car that was trying to pull out of a parking spot. The enraged driver said “Nigger!!!!” He came home and told me the story and said “but I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t a nigger, I’m habesha.” I shook my head and let it drop into my hands in pure frustration.

What he didn’t understand at the time was the complexity of color, class, and race. He didn’t understand that in the eyes of the “other,” he was now one of us. He had become Black American and he didn’t understand. He didn’t understand how he could be confused with Black American.

He didn’t understand that in America, it wasn’t if you were Amhara, Gurage, or Tigre – it was if you were black, white, brown, or yellow.  He couldn’t understand that in Washington DC where the habesha community was strong, people would know he was from Ethiopia or Eritrea, but the farther south he would go; the more he would morph into a Black person and what that would mean.

He no longer was habesha, he was a Black person that would be stared at in expensive restaurants, pondered over because of his expensive clothes, and would be discriminated against like us (Black Americans, that is). He had no idea that his skin color that could do so much good in his own country would challenge him in another.

Two years later, we are still pondering these same issues and thinking about marriage. We wonder what our children will face. What will the children of a black woman and a habesha man face? As they try to learn Amharic and English – hand dancing and Eskista, among it all – we hope they will realize that they are just people. We are all one in the same.

Elle B.

The key principle of morality is that doing something for yourself is bad or at least not worth anything morally speaking, while doing something for others is noble and praiseworthy.

People are called “selfish” when an observer perceives that the person could have taken one of numerous courses of action which might benefit other people more so than to take actions which benefited themselves.

Years ago, I found myself browsing the shelf of a bookstore; I was in the philosophy section, and stumbled upon some literature on Moral Theory.

Moral Theorists will go so far as to say that favoring one’s children over other people’s children is reprehensibly selfish. That is one side of the argument but the question is… is it such a bad thing? Is it the smart thing?

I am speaking about the act of being selfish. Are the selfish ones on a lesser moral ground?

I like to think that I am the snob around town who stands on the higher moral ground and performs selfless acts for those around me. On the contrary, I know that I am not even close to Mother Teresa, and I never expect anyone to be.

As I have mentioned in the past I believe a person character becomes formulated the environment.

I know that there are those of us that run around doing things for others people and that are selfless.

Only referring to those requests that we all do not have to say yes to; in the process of saying yes to all these things you forget your own well being. Instead, you go for the short term gain to make other people happy.

I used to not focus on myself and it tended to make me under-perform, be overworked, exhausted and most importantly stressed out in all other aspects of my life.

On the other hand, and the point I wanted to make, without you bernos readers jumping on my thoughts is that most people are way too selfish.

I am an excellent judge of character, very observant and aware of personal traits of those around me. And I have been lucky enough that I surround my self with decent people.

My problem is and has always been with those of you that are inconsiderate of others. Selfish is OK, but at others people expense is by no means close to being acceptable.

There is an acquaintance of mine, who is married now with few kids but used to ask me to be his wing man whenever he wanted to go out. Once he got married and moved to the suburbs he stopped calling, and I understood. But whenever he is in town on business or pleasure he would call and ask for us to hang out. I am like dude, you haven’t called nine months but when it’s convenient for you, you call me.

No thanks, I am busy!”

In the same manner I have noticed as friendship of convenience, there are relationships of convenience. It’s kind of like the “I’m confused” response from a females and the “I don’t want a real relationship, just booty call,” from the males.

These types of people are selfish at the expense of others & thus should be avoided at all cost. It’s easy; just avoid them when you start seeing the signs.

My point, selfishness I can live with; selfishness at the expense of other people, especially me, I run like the wind.

I was on a real date once upon a time in a certain city. We had a bottle of wine among the other things, at a nice cozy place that was more crowded than a train during rush hour.

The tables so close together that it’s impossible to avoid eavesdropping at your neighbors.

Krazy Larry and his bud were next to us. Every once in a while he would intervene in our conversation; and yarn to us in the most abstrusely coarse voice you can imagine.

We laughed and laughed, although I didn’t understand half the things he was saying, the wine helped. Let’s just say everyone was over the limit so cackles came easily.

Krazy Larry is a pant maker in New York City. I think he gave my date a card, and told her that she would look great in his pants.

Fax me honey!”

Is email ok? No No, no emails! Fax me your address and I shall mail you a Krazy Larry pants.

Indeed she faxed him her pant size and got a call!

he called me at work – same hoarse smoker’s voice with lots of humor…”

So once she got her pants, I wanted to Google him to see if what I remember that night was real. Well…I found this post; what another person thought of him.

Krazy Larry is a character living the cool life of fashion designer in NYC. He is eccentric and vivacious and has a twisted view of life in the fast lane.

Years ago a friend of mine tried to date an acquaintance. She was in a state of confusion and, as I suspect, was in love with someone else but decided to still give my friend a chance or possibly use him to get attention.

I don’t know the details, but I knew they spent a lot of time together. Months go by and they are not hanging out anymore.

The girl contacted me for something unrelated and as we were talking she told me that he doesn’t talk to her anymore. Of course I asked why, but she was unable to answer.

I don’t know; he is acting childish! I will just give him time.”

I suspected he tried and was tired and wanted to get her out of his system. Plus she seemed like the selfish type.

So they never ever talked to each other. The girl runs around in the same circle as he does, more so than I do with either of them. But they don’t talk; they just ignore each other even if they are at the same dinner party.

I just think that is juvenile. I think people should curse each other out and then say hello if they run into each other; especially in circumstances where the two know each other more than anybody else.

Tens of thousands of Chinese couples rushed to tie the knot across the nation Wednesday, or 09/09/09, hoping that the ‘triple 9 day’ will bring them good luck and eternal love.

Few years ago when I was in graduate school, the graduate student association held speed dating event twice a years.When the next speed dating event was announced, my friends and I talked about participating.

We thought it would be fun to go and meet new guys since we were all new in school/town. I wasn’t dating anybody at that time so why not give it a shot?I have never been to speed dating event. I wanted to go and see what’s like to meet a stranger and converse for 5 minute.

Would anyone be interested in me after 5 minutes of conversation? Those where the types of the questions that I wasn’t able to answer for myself. At the last minute, I chickened out and decided not to attend. I guess fear of rejection got the best out of me.

Two of my brave friends attended this speed dating event for graduate students, who do not have that much chance to meet people outside of school. After wards, I have heard everything about the speed dating and about all the cute guys that showed up. Some of them were easy to talk to and some of them asked strange questions. In 5 minute, it must be difficult to evaluate if you have any connection or chemistry. You have to work with your gut feeling here. Some guys/gals do no make good first impression.

After the results came, one of my friends had no match, and the other one had two guys interested in her. Fortunately, she was also interested in one of the guys that picked her. They set a date to go out to dinner and I remember helping her pick an outfit for her first date. Things were really going well between them and as long as I remember she was dating the same guy throughout grad school. I have graduated and didn’t keep in touch with my friend. We both moved to our separate ways.

Fast forward to 5 yrs later

After long day of work, I am sitting home watching TV and surfing Facebook online. I was reading status updates and checking out pictures here and there.I just like to turn off my brain and do something that doesn’t require much thinking. I saw pictures posted from the same girl that met her man at speed dating. It was wedding pictures. My friend and the guy tied the knot recently. I love Facebook updates.

You never know where you are going to find your love or your life long partner. Keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open.

Two years prior to last I had been in Moscow after years on Wall Street and my only connection to Ethiopia was bernos.

I bought the entire bernos tee collection and connected with Nolawi and his tales, who I admire for his ability to bond with people like me all over the world. I even shared a few accounts, after some encouragement

After moving to DC I asked him for meet up over drinks; he declined by saying that if he was to meet random people that he knew online ‘he wouldn’t have time for his personal life.’ I know blunt, but I respected the honesty!

I offered him his favorite bottle of 18 years aged Chivas and a steak dinner. Over Wednesday evening we exchanged stories of Ethiopian women.

You see, after a major breakup years ago, I hadn’t found someone else. In Moscow, I say was a sugar daddy to 22 year old ‘eastern European model look-alike.’

I didn’t know the inner working of dating Ethiopian ladies outside of my ex-fiancée who I dated for 3 years long ago.

I am not the best looking guy and I am aging fast but I make it up by hitting the gym 3 times a week, making as much money as I can so I can wear my Armani suits and Salvatore Ferragamo shoes and being as funny as an Ethiopian Bernie Mac.

I met a few attractive Ethiopian ladies, and I took them out and entertained them. One seemed like she was interested but hesitated when it came to physical contact. She would call me again and again to hang out and a few months fly but she said she was not ready to take it to the next step.

I didn’t mind having the other, somewhat younger and possibly viewed as a trophy; on my arms even though she was not as cultured as I would have liked. Half a dozen dates later, she started spending the nights.

It seemed like she liked downtown condo more than she liked me. And I asked her what she wanted; she maintained that she is not exclusive with me. She would commit with me only if the other guy doesn’t commit.  She insisted sleeping with both of us, but she was keeping her options open then she kept it open and I took back my spare keys.

These were the types of things, I talked to Nolawi about. And I am writing this as a thank you note for the best advice that was given to me in a long time.

I am rephrasing here but something to this extent:

‘Ethiopian women have more  options than the male counterpart and thus reinforcing their options by being available how they want it confuses them, because women in general are unsure about what to go for when it comes to what they want vs. what they should want.

You think you are being nice, understanding and patient but the fact is women pretty much know if they are interested in you or not in the beginning.

If she is not available emotionally and physically after a short period of time; run away. If she wants you, she will respect you for being a man and standing up for your self and your feelings.

If doesn’t want you and you are just entertainment or support then she was not worth your time in the first place and you are safer.

As far as keeping her options open and dating others, let them the more you resist the more she will be inclined too.’

I met another girl, who seemed like not interested in looking at me. I told her about theater tickets and as soon as we got there she told me she had a boy friend and just wanted to be friends. After the evening was over I told her that I had no interest what so ever in friendship and to call me if and when she was interested in more.

I ran into her again one at a wedding and we had drinks after and then she took me to her home. We didn’t bring up her boyfriend.

Every so often she calls me for an occasional rendezvous and some love making after. She asked if I minded her seeing two people at the same time. And although I didn’t respect the fact that she is keeping her options open I expressed that I didn’t care.

Recently, I she told me that she left the other guy and wanted more from me.

I am not the type to want to play games or hold back feelings of interest but it seemed like even the late twenty something’s who I date are prone to this kind holding back. Now I thank my advisor and enjoy the new state of mind.

photo source
Ethiopian girls complain that their opposite counter parts do not keep their secrets. As in their confidence is betrayed alluding to sexual intimacy or amorous.

What do I know? I live my life very openly, and pretty much communicate most of my personal feeling to my friends. In my case, I like to think and believe that I live my life according to what I want not how I want my reputation to be.

In our community though, both males and female are somewhat enamored by making sure that the name is kept intact. Especially for females, they seem overly concerned about it that it affects how they deal with their male counterparts. Thus in turn the males are somewhat upset that they have to gain the females trust more so than if they had to deal with non-Ethiopian females.

I believe the whole phenomenon is overly exaggerated. Yes, I have male friends and they talk but I do not think they ‘kiss & tell’ per say. The talk is usually kept in the surface, yes I nailed her. We have had sex and it’s left at that.

I have never been a fan of chauvinist male bonding so I am somewhat out of the loop from men like that. Yet it happens, and it’s not especially more in our community. The fact is machismo exists in every commune.

I think living your life according to how you want your persona displayed in the community is somewhat limiting.

Who you are is not based by what people say rather by what you do? The fact is your experience play a role is who you are even if no one knows about it.

I have perused the Bernos blog and enjoyed reading most thoughts on a variety of different topics.  As a single young woman, though, I of course have been drawn to the dating & relationships related pieces.

This led me to find Nolawi & Wondata’s pieces on the F-zone – essentially guys who are in like/lust/love with a woman who only wants to be friends.  Both submissions generated much discussion much of which puts the woman at fault for the scenario.

I agree there are certain things women sometimes do to exacerbate the situation.  The dating scene can be contentious and confusing at times, and as a woman you walk a delicate line between being ‘too nice’and leading someone on versus being direct which often times gets interpreted as being “a bitch.”

To the women out there I will say — if you know what you want or don’t want for everyone’s sake, please be honest and direct without insulting.

Be aware that no matter how ‘nice’ you are sometimes the guy is just going to take things the wrong way, and its just something he is going to have to work through.  In the end you are doing him a favor if you are honest from the moment you know how you truly feel.  No, my question is:

What is a woman to do when she has done all she can to let a guy know he will not pass out of the F-zone but he remains persistent?”

Two years ago I moved back to a city where I have many friends.  I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship 8 months prior and had not really dated since.  One particular friend, in an attempt to be helpful, introduced me to her cousin who had just moved to the same city.  He was new to the area and quickly became a regular among our group. 

In the beginning I wanted to be open to the idea of dating and thus made an effort to get to know him.  We never actually dated, but we hung out and occasionally talked on the phone.  He made it clear that he was interested but I quickly realized I was still not over the ex.

So, this guy got the in person “you are great but I am not ready for a relationship” talk.  We left the door open for a possibility of something in the future but the bottom line message was “don’t call me, I’ll call you” – He just entered the F-Zone.

Over the past two years I got over the ex, began dating again, and continued to stay friends with this guy but we never actually dated.  As I got to know him in this time, I realized that I was not interested in dating him…what so ever.  He is an entertaining friend but I am not physically or romantically attracted to him.  Not only that, we have some fundamental differences in views and would drive each other mad were we to date.

For most of the two years this did not matter, though, because we put the dating idea on the back burner.  Then about 6 months ago he asked if there was a chance for us.  We had another discussion and this time I laid it down.  You are a cool friend, I respect you as a person, but I need to be attracted both physically and emotionally to someone to date him and despite the time we have gotten to know one another these feelings have never developed towards you.

I hope you understand and I hope we can be friends but I understand if you need to pull away. His response?  I understand, but know how I feel and if you ever change your mind I am here and I will “always” be in love with you.

He then proceeds to stay in close contact – I should add one way contact (texts, voicemails, etc.) where he continues to profess his love.  He sometimes disappears for a week or more but resurfaces strong with the same messages.  I reiterate the message that I’m “just not that into” him but to no avail.  He even thanks me for my frankness but does not change his behavior.

What is a girl to do?

Img Source Anti-Flirt collection is a name of a clothing brand.
But in the 1920, there was a women organization called anti-flirt club that wanted to stop men whistling from their cars.

Women are complicated human beings and I have been getting conflicting signals. Thus I don’t know what is right or wrong?

I have heard female significant others both mine and of friends claim that it’s wrong for a man attached in a relationship to flirt with other women, regardless of the act leading to other acts.

I for one think of the deed to be legal by all measurable standards!

A friend once told me that she disapproves flirting because it can misinterpret her fiancée’s intent of actually not pursuing a relationship or a casual encounter with the person he is flirting with.

Expert flirtologists know that the act is not entertaining if it’s taken too seriously. From what I have seen a girl can grind with the guy till 2 a.m. never to see him or talk to him another day. It’s not necessarily a proposal for sex.

A girl who I been eying at a wedding came up behind pinched me somewhere and whispered “if I wasn’t married…” and left. At the time as a young boy I appreciated it and ‘made my night’ to flirt with a MILF.

Flirting is a fun act that is shouldn’t be off limits to those attached. I know married men & women who flirt openly as well as those that consider it a betrayal of sorts.

I think the best approach is to be honest that it exists and talk about it openly. The fact remains no man or woman can exist without at least looking at surrounding opposite sexes.

Tips for women…

Look approachable, relax your body language and give the man a hint that you are a fun person. You will get asked out more often if you are friendly and not “Kostara.”

Quick Eye contact and smile, is all a woman needs to do.

Tips for men…

Have no expectations;’ she is not your woman, at least not yet! I have seen give complete attention to one and later give the same attention to another minutes later. I find it a turnoff & somewhat slutty to see a woman flirt with 4 guys in the same hour but it happens, so lower your expectation. Girls like guys who are not possessive!

Limit your physical contact initially. Make your touch gradual! Look for reciprocal body language. I tend to whisper close to the ear, just a habit of a touchy feely person. And in some cases I seen woman back away; at this point I unconsciously back off to show my intention of not wanting to invade her personal space. She eventually would come closer & whisper right back in my ears.

In my business, that is the web world words like SEO, analytics and great content are thrown around. For most of you they might not mean much but they break or make a business or a website.

At the end ‘Content is King,’ brings in the people. Magazine editors and web publishers knew this long time ago, and successful bloggers are making living. Of course, it’s a different world trying to compete in a niche market.

Here at bernos, I analyze the traffic. Where is it coming from? What are they looking for? It’s interesting in two aspects, for me. I am in the business and the topics interest me.

One of the most read bernos post is the “How to Ask Ethiopian Girls Out?” almost 400 comments and counting. The top searched key words that direct traffic to bernos are “bernos, bernos blog, and then Ethiopian girls.” People are coming to bernos looking for Ethiopian girls; and I find it fascinating that there are more people looking for Ethiopian girls as opposed to African Tees.

Google tracks top searched keywords via Google trends and that information is public up to a certain extent. I wish, much like many SEO guru’s and web marketers I could have a good look in their data for demographic tendencies.

How to land an Ethiopian girl?

How To Pick Up An Ethiopian Girl? According to Roosh you need to create a connection with her. Of course if you are already Ethiopian you can skip this step.

Don’t get intimidated by beauty? According to the guy that asked the question, it seems like he has a fetish like need for an Ethiopian girl. Of course, this approach will definitely get you turned down fast. Most Ethiopian girls do not know the reason some non-Ethiopian males want them for not who they are as opposed to what they are. You would have to make them think you are interested in who she is as opposed to what she is.

This dude apparently is intimidated by her Ethiopianess. At the end she is just a girl, just like every other girl. This outlook will definitely get you turn down real fast.

What you really need to know?

• Be straight forward, telling her your intention right away is a sure way not to get in the Ethiofused — friendship zone.
• Play it cool; girls do not respect men that are all over them.
• Be persistent, if you really want her. Ethiopian girls are more likely to be more confused than other women. She will change her mind if you are persistent.
• If she wants to be friends, run away. A girl whose intent is keeping many platonic male friends around tends to be selfish and just need attention.

Good Luck!

Cuz, I don’t need confusion, now there is a theme song!

It’s hot and on point via lyrics. Cuz I don’t need it, I got options, ya wanna spend my time, ya got love for sell… Well, I don’t need it!

Update: I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. I was driving and listening to Steve Harvey on the radio… At the end of the show he said something about this song and they played it. And I loved the lyrics. I don’t need it. And I started to think about Ethiofused article and how this song would be the perfect theme song for it.

It’s obvious, although you ladies don’t get the song that he is talking about gold diggers who “wanna spend my time, wanna spend my dough got love for sell. ” if you listen to the give it to me part, its Timbaland voice.

The point is saying don’t waste my time.

I don’t need it [Bitch](Chick)8x
I don’t need it {come on}
{Give it to me} Oww yeah
Oww yeah, yeah {Give it to me}
I don’t need it, hey
{Gi, give it to me} heey
Don’t need it
{Gi, give it to me}Don’t need it
{I don’t need it}

[Verse 2]
I got options{A Oow)
It ain’t mine anymore
Had a man and
It was a long time ago

Men are fools, everyone knows that. Even the fool knows he is the fool when he is doing what his mind tells him not to but his heart prevails.

Persistence pays in some cases, but every now and then men are fooled into thinking that a woman  not interested will change her mind if he keeps hanging around her and even doing things for her.

Some women take advantage of this situation by keeping a guy that likes them around.

In some cases a woman might make it clear that she is not interested, in other cases she just tells him she needs time or that she is confused, when she wants to keep her options open.

The fool is the guy who sticks around hoping she will change her mind. Eventually the guy will give up and leave her alone or  they remain platonic friends. In other instances the guy persists with his initial plan after she makes an emotional platonic connection with him.

At this time the girl can’t just turn down the guy, she has to give him a reason.

This is what I call the ‘classic argument;’ she can’t say I wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole. She can’t say I am seeing someone, he already knows she is not seeing someone; she can’t say we have to get to know each other first, they are already friends.

Hence, the ‘classic argument;

I am not ready to give 100% therefore it’s not a good idea and it wouldn’t be fair to you or I am not sure about this.”

Disclaimer: This is not based on any recent experience. This is not about me. I am not a fool!

They have been living together for two years, and the girl who was sitting passenger side started grilling me.

So do you have a girl friend? Why are you still single? Are you happy? Don’t you get lonely?

I am not a private person nor am I one to shy away from standard personal question. Yes, I am single, I am not trying to be but I am and I am quite content with my life for the most part.

No, I do not have a problem getting a date. I get dates, and sometime I get some other stuff too. I am not looking for casual physical encounters but since it happens it happens.

Are there nice normal girls that I have met? Yes, quite a few, but I didn’t feel strongly about them and I feel like its quite draining to be in a relationship with someone who I don’t see a future with, just because they are nice, normal and attractive.

Besides, I really feel guilty stringing along a girl who really wants marriage and family just because she is available to be strung along. There is really no point in postponing the inevitable breakup of a short term relationship just for sex or companionship.

I have also been in a position, where I have felt that I would want to be in a committed relationship with someone who for some reason was not ready or didn’t feel strongly about me as I did about them. I give it a shot but I don’t bend over backwards to make it work.

Lady friends of mine, tell me ‘you know it takes work.’ Maybe it does but there is no need make something that apparently is not working to work for fear of being lonely or not getting enough.

I am getting the vibe from a lot of people that single is not normal and is actually depressing. Maybe marriage is a societal norm but single is not depressing at all.

I am quite content.

There is a saying:

You can’t live with them or you can’t live without them”

And it’s so true; I mean I really wish I didn’t need them for physical and sometimes emotional satisfaction.

Women are the better of the two genders, for apparent reasons I discern this.

I meet lots of them seeing as though I live in Washington DC, the capital of Ethiopians outside of Ethiopia.

I ef up all the time and ruin possible relationships with women, mostly because I am too lazy to pursue her in the way she wants to be pursued.

They would say that I need to prove how much I care. They would test me and test me.

The quintessential question; is he marriage material?

She would ask me questions relating to the level of commitment I am capable of before I she would agree to a date.

And I say, I am not marriage material, I plan not to have kids. I have about ten years before I think about those things, or so I think. I really don’t plan long-term in my life, there is no point because life is dynamic, and variables are thrown in all the time.

So I try to be honest in my answer to those questions and continue to survive. I take steps at attacking problems that currently reside in my life and attempt to deal with those that arise daily.

And they eventually say you are a guy I can have fun with and they have their fun and leave and in some cases I leave before things get started and in even more cases she leaves before she makes the mistake of starting things with me.

Is she ‘Marriage Material’?

An acquaintance of mine has been dating this woman for a while now and while he is very happy in his committed relationship, she has been hinting on the marriage issue in the past couple of months.

For whatever reason, he asked my opinion — I told him that I am no expert, hence my Love-Hate relationship with women.

I told him to ask three questions and if the answer is ‘yes,’ then he should marry her. If it’s a no then he shouldn’t.

1. Does she ever argue about money? I had heard once — I believe her on bernos that most marriages end for financial reasons. Financial compatibility!
2. Does she try to satisfy you in bed as much as you try to for her? Does she look at sex as a gift or does she look at it as an intimate experience she has with you? Sexual compatibility!
3. Do her emotions fluctuate? Does she get upset or pleased with small issues? Its draining to keep a woman happy if is volatile. Emotional compatibility!

And so, we will see what happens but I think if he has to ask an acquaintance even one as smart as me for confirmation on thoughts about marriage then it has to be scientific. As another person here on bernos once said:

A marriage for love is a luxury I can’t afford to wait for…”

Are you fucken kidding me? Marry someone you don’t really love for the sake of compatibility and consistency.

There are lots of types of people. There are those that are very calculated and only take risks after they evaluate the odds. There are those that never ever take any type of risks!

There are those that rarely take risks but when they do take risks it’s a big one. There are those who take risks professionally but never take risks in their personal lives.

There are those are very careful with money, and there are those that are free with money. Next months rent will be from the next paycheck.

Is being carful related with fear? Is falling in love a risk?

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”

Famous line from FDR, so poignant! Although it was in reference to politics, it makes are personal point. I am betam scared of taking risks! Especially with women, because I have noticed that people these days live their lives very non-chalantly!

How do they do they do it? How cold are they? Not just women but all people! Beqa every relationship, be it professional or personal is on the surface that nothing really hurts anyone’s feelings.

Could it be fear? Fear of being unprotected?

How can someone not fear of having unprotected sex, but fear opening up or taking a chance?

I watched a movie last night, I have seen it before but this time I was really listening for some reason. And the character King Arthur played by Sean Connery said something even more poignant than FDR.

“A man who fears nothing also loves nothing.  And if you love nothing, then what joy is there in your life?”

So fear is love! It kind makes sense to me.

My Biggest Fear!

All my fears is nothing compared to my fear of failure, not in single tasks but in life.

I am every so often very worried that my life will turn out to be a failure. What measurement is I don’t know! But I guess I have to come up with a measurement for what success really is.

I don’t know if I read this somewhere but sound good to me.

‘Success should not be judged by what you accomplish rather by the overwhelming odds you overcome.’

Now if only I really believed that!