I got burnt, played, bamboozled, punked, schooled fucked over, taken or whatever else slang terms are used when someone is fooled. My sister recently told me that she hates it when someone tells her that they are a good judge of character.

The phrase is, ‘I know people;’ knowing people as in figuring out someone’s moral character or integrity at first sight. Apparently everyone thinks that they are a good judge of character when no one really is, was what she was referencing.

I am of the opinion that she is right, not everyone is good at figuring people out right at first sight. I prefer to judge based on historical evidence, hence I ask questions, lots of them. I try not to use volunteered answers to against them but it helps me categorize people in groups.

Yes, I know I am not perfect; in fact I am far from it. My faults are more than a page, but for all that I lack, I make it up with loyalty and honesty. And regardless of someone’s faults, if I feel like someone is loyal and honest with me, I will accept them as a trusted acquaintance and or sometimes although rare, as my friend.

I am always surprised by how patient men are with women. The players don’t care so they just ignore women who are reaching out for attention by playing games. The others just wait and wait and then eventually forget without making a big deal out of a big issue.

People do whatever they want and say sorry or just ignore that fact they did so without consideration of someone else’s position.

I am proud to say, I am the opposite of most males. I am not like those players who just don’t care, because I do. I am not like those guys who are so patient, women could walk all over them and they just sit there and wait like a mat; I have no patience whatsoever.

My lack of patience has protected me and I respect it for that. It also limits my experiences with people in general, but nobody is perfect and it’s a balance I am happy to live with.

I got played this past week, someone set me up and kept setting me up for a week, like a con artist sets up the mark by gaining their confidence. The fact is I suspected the person for a trickster and had a change of heart at some point.

The same point the tricksters suggested that I maybe the con man who was playing games. I felt guilty, awkward and then said things I will regret for a long time to come.

Like the girl from 10th grade in high school who recommended I touch her big boobs, nonchalantly suggesting that I leave my girl friend for her and not remembering the encounter behind the stairway of English class after I broke up with my real girlfriend. I will remember.

The mark was set up! You think you can spot a con artist because he/she someone you instinctively “don’t trust.” But the term con artist is short for confidence artist — they gain your confidence just long enough to get their hands on your trust.

Then boom, you are burned; played, chumped!

And that is what happened to me, it only took a week to get set up! Although this kind of things are very common in our society and is seen as no big deal, get over it, it happens; its hard to swallow for me and it has only happened 3 times. Two of them I shared, maybe I will share the other one day.

It always makes me wonder why some women have their choices of guys while others don’t, regardless of their physical appearance. I know women who could pass for models that have problems getting and keeping a significant other, while an average Jane will have a man of her choice at her beck and call to do with as she pleases.

Although there are number of variables at play here but underneath the surface it’s really simple. While being physically above average is a vital factor, it’s not so important enough to change the statistical advantage of the right personality.

Well, first I thought I would for a  female perspective? Their lack of a concrete answers surprised me. It’s like the online dating advice columns; the top 10 mistakes women make if you Google it  the answers are completely different.

I personally don’t think its fair that the “good” have harder time than the “not so good” but c’est la vie!

Women that are approachable get the most approaches, com’ons and dates. I am not saying be a slut, men like a challenge and respect women that respect themselves thus if this ‘approachable woman’ is going to be in his life for the long haul then she has to “not too easy.”

That basically the beginning part, keeping a guy is a little more complex but talking is hard for most men, if they do talk its likely just to be talk. I think a girl who is living her life and not obsessing about the future tends to keep a guy around long enough for him to be interested in thinking about the long-term part.

Last but not least and I think the most important part; some just make better choices at the beginning. Alpha males are more options and tend to play the hand they are dealt thus its better to be give the regular Joe (a nice guy) a chance.

Disclaimer: this has nothing to do with me. Just my advice to women with questions. I am of the opinion that 80% of males are way to nice.

Well, I wanted to say something about this for a while now, I sense I might have hinted the way I feel about the topic here and there but I wanted to tell guys what I see. But as easily as I express myself I didn’t know how to flow the words to say this without sounding like victim myself.

I for one, am prone not to be a victim per say, not because I am smarter than most but because I lack the patience of the norm.

Based on real experiences with ‘lets call them acquaintances’’ but in reality they are less than that, they are people I have seen or had very few conversations with.

There is Carrie, who is a friend, a platonic one at that. She asked me to hang out with her and her friends who I will call Deidra.  Deidra gets dropped off by Jimmy in a nice BMW in front of the ‘outside table of the restaurant,’ I was sitting with Carrie.

I have known both these girls casually for a while and I could talk to them freely. I mentioned the car, and she became defensive and said

he’s not my Boy Friend!”

So we discussed it the rest of the evening. Jimmy started hanging out with Deidra casually. Then it became more consistent, she knew he was interested in her but he didn’t make a move. She was not feeling the same way, but she enjoyed his attention and company as friends.

He didn’t make it clear he wanted more than friendship thus she continued to see him. When he finally had the courage to make his motives clear, she told him honestly that she was not interested in more than friendship at this time.

Thus it was left at that but they continued to hang out, since she was single. I told her it’s wrong for her to mislead him to which she reiterated her honesty.  It was left at that.

Half a year or so later, I ran into Carrie, Deidra and Jimmy among others at a gathering of sorts. I was introduced to Jimmy, and we all hanged out. It was not clear if at first that Deidra had a change of heart and gave him a chance but as the night went on things became clearer. Jimmy is still looking for more while Deidra is looking elsewhere.

I wanted to slap him, scream or something! Dude WTF are you doing? Get a back bone, run, say something just don’t sit here and watch her flirt with anyone but yourself. It was unbearable to watch.

I didn’t say anything; it was neither my place nor my business.

A few months pass and my friendship with Carrie although not strong, persevered. I heard about Deidra and her new real boy friend, one she could publicly acknowledge.

I once was asked to help both of them out because they encountered an emergency while driving to the airport near my place. I arrived to find Carrie and Deidra outside Deidra’s car with luggage rushing to catch their flight. Jimmy and his bimmer arrived shortly thereafter. It had already been decided; I would drive them to the airport while Jimmy would figure out a way to get her car towed to her apartment or a mechanic.

While we were driving I asked why Jimmy was called instead of the boyfriend, I couldn’t help but not say anything in this situation. Deidra said that the BF said he couldn’t.

I thought if it was me, and realized that it would never happen to me. It had happened to me once when I was younger and naïve but it was much shorter period of time, like 2 weeks! My experiences has thought me if a female is interested she is interested otherwise there is nothing you or anyone can do to make her change her mind.

It’s rare that waiting for a female to make up her mind or change her mind becomes really worth it, I thought at least in this case patience is not a virtue.

I guess I have to say it more plainly, although jimmy was and remains to be an idiot, the girl is a bitch that she is intentionally misleading him to keep her options open.

The names and plot of this story although not a fictious have been changed to protect the identity of the characters or should I say victims.

Airing your dirty laundry; behind closed doors; biting your tongue; left in the dark; covering your tracks; keeping it under the hat; under wraps; on the DL (down-low); mum is the word; off the record.

These are English idioms off the top of my head with a little bit of help via Google; basically verbalizing the act of ‘keeping it a secret.’ Not in the slightest is using phrases like these a major vocabulary(ic) accomplishment, in fact these are common phrases used by, I dare say, by common people.

The English language remains diverse with its idiosyncrasies; in timing, accent, idioms, and regular expressions among much other dissimilarities. Nevertheless the topic is not the language itself, rather the meaning of the phrases.

Secrets are part of life, and they play an important role in keeping social in all aspects of our lives including governance, business and personal lives. I once read that without secrecy animals can’t hide their offspring’s from harms way thereby ensuring the survival of their species.

A good male friend or so I thought, recently told me about a recent incident excluding some details. Who was present? He replied with ‘my girl friend.’ What, you mean to tell me that we have talked nearly every-day over last few months and you didn’t tell me about your GF.

Apparently, it was never brought up; I shared although he never asked about my personal life. We have discussed wide varieties of themes including matter of the heart, but I did ask if he has a GF, why should I, he is a dude. If it was significant in his life and as we are friends he would mention it; perhaps I expected that it would be mentioned.

Just one example but it’s a repeating theme; I have had a woman say to me that she is also seeing someone else months after entanglement. I was told not to assume!

Women have told me significant details about their personal life after it was significantly omitted; including the fact one was married. Married..! are you efen kidding me? No, I thought you knew, she exclaimed.

At least now I could check off the “carrying on in an affair” off my bucket list, though being single instance ‘Karma is a bitch!,’ I heard.

Undoubtedly the Ethiopian community is another animal in itself; our culture is dead set on keeping everything a secret; details of our lives must be kept closely guarded. Two lives, one that is actual and another that is perceived reality.

My significant secret is the fact I was adopted but no one not even my best friend, my girl friend or my cousin knows about it. Only my mother and my cousin’s father and my grand parents know about it. Although I suspect cousins father told his wife and his wife told her best friend and now a few random people know and it’s not publicly acknowledged.

I found out about it only 10 years ago because of health reasons. I now live my life going out of my way to hide the fact I was adopted.  It will continue to haunt my life forever.

The story about the adoption a complete fiction I only made it up to emphasize the type of secrets that is kept in our society.

These are the kind of secrets that are kept hushed up; for no apparent reason! Females are worse than the males although understandably because of the magnified constraints and pressure our culture puts on them much like of the third world.

I am not saying go out of your way to make everything public. No just don’t go out of your way to hide significant details of your life from significant people in your life.  That will be a big step forward!

I hate Mondays.

Two weeks ago, I watched the new flick by George Clooney — ‘Up in the Air.’ The characters on the film worked as bad news messengers for big corporations. They basically go and tell that an employee has been laid off. There was a somber scene where a grown man was crying after a perky twenty-four year-old fired him from his job where he has held longer than her age.

Today, I was in the same position as that twenty-four year old character (twenty-eight in my case). I have done what I have never done before. I told someone who I have come to respect that their position no longer exists. I am sad beyond belief!

What makes this Monday even more painful is the way the person accepted the news with grace. “be’tsega meQebel ne’w,” was the response; which loosely translates to the title of this post.

It was a gut-wrenching experience, but I can not phantom what makes a person so calm and so collected to accept uncertainty — especially in these times where uncertainty is certain.

How would you tell someone that their days as employee is numbered? What would this person say when they get home? What must their loved ones feel when they hear the bad news?

In a country where job is equated to ‘security,’ letting people go should not be a binary choice — at least, it shouldn’t be! Thinking that it is a simple function with limited variables is down right wrong.

Word to the wise; take fate in your own hands.

Just yesterday I was having a conversation about how words matter.  Essentially the females in via my social networks said that:

actions speak louder than words”

I have written a little bit about using words to expressing ourselves about this time last year. And essentially most people disagreed with me.

One of you even quoted the bible to dispute my claim. Apparently ‘a man of understanding holds his tongue.’ Good thing I believe that the bible was written by men, the hypocrisy.

This week a friend of my noticed that I used the word ‘essentially’ to the exhaustion point. Wow, he was right but this is not the first time this happened. Every other month someone is complaining about a certain word that I am using for no apparent reason. My little brother said something to me once… only people with lack of vocabulary use the word ‘like’ for everything.

Like like … you know… those California blonds. It’s like duh I don’t have words in my head so I will put the word ‘like’ everywhere; except mine are usually words that with end with ‘ly.’

I always loved ‘apparently,’ that’s one word I can’t live without. Apparently, it fits everywhere like effectively.  As a designer, when I have to judge designs ‘That logo is effectively designed’ sounds so much more sophisticated than ‘l like that one.’

That is what clients say to me once I submit some options.

Someone somewhere said that good writing is dead, but good writing didn’t die with JD Salinger, its everywhere with the Facebook status and the Tweets.

I have a lot of temptations. Everyday, I am tempted not to get out of my bed; I want to sleep in. Maybe take a pill that will just knock me out and sleep all day, possibly another day.

There was a time in 2008 where I was so busy that I opted to schedule the sleeping in. Sunday morning was saved for TV, and an egg bacon and provolone cheese sandwich made by yours truly. I would finish my freshly brewed jug of coffee and lay down on the sofa, Hoping I would fall asleep, and most of the time I don’t; but it was my time; phone was off and no one is around.

Sunday mornings were my favorites, but not anymore. I have been getting tempted to do something crazy like go out of town on the weekends. Enticement like going out to party in another town or meet up with friends or meet up women who have managed to excite me for a little while before the flame runs out; overwhelm my life. Not that I am complaining, the temptations break the consistency and predictability of life.

They are an escape for the endless number of demands that life brings with it. Excitements’ aside sometimes I just want to turn off my phone and stare at the roof keeping my brain empty.  Someone once told me the demands of life are ‘mind over matter; if you don’t mind it doesn’t matter.’

Those I know, and are friends with seem like they have their shit together. They have the consistencies of existence set on replay and have somehow occupied the rest of their free time with hobbies. Hobbies are I suppose outlets from consistencies, but the way I see it, a lot of people seem to use it as a replacements for serious problems in the real part of life.

The idea seems like I am not content with my career, but at least I have my weekend hobby;’ I will keep painting one canvas every weekend and hope my issues with my family will go away.

I was once reading a forum in which one of the members was asking how he wanted to get away with a small legal problem he had. A slew of people told him some options and one guy said, you can keep postponing the issues and most likely get away with out dealing with it. But it will always be in your mind. Just go take care of it and your mind will be free.

It was one of those big aha moments; some things will always stay in the back of your mind till you deal with it. I believed it and it’s not easy to go deal with your issues but after about 4 years after reading that, I think I have completely changed. Problems, I take care of it so I don’t always have to think about it.

I know a few people that just keep their whole life scheduled to do stuff;  Random things 5 weeks in advance, just so that they don’t feel lonely; or so that they don’t deal with the major issues in their life.

I am glad I have my hobbies which make me happier than a pig in shit. But a hobby is an extra curricula activity. You have to make some changes in your life, and not hide behind stuff, to do.

That just seems like you are postponing the inevitable.

All good things come to he who waits”

When ever my little brother sees or hears something about how someone does something really stupid and gets caught in the web, he always says ‘what an idiot!’

Who in their right mind would accept passively wait for something to happen and call it a virtue. Call it lack of patience or being short of faith in people; I know what my personality encompasses.

I have disappeared for a while. I have been distracted with nothing at all.

I have been having fun; this past year has been a good year for me. Things seem to have stabilized at least psychologically. Even though the uncontrolled and unfortunate events continue to happen on a weekly basis; I am just better at dealing with the little problems that continue to happen in my life.

I know I have been absent from bernos. This is the longest I have been away from bernos in almost 4 years. I did it intentionally; I wanted to test the impact of the bernos traffic to the articles; second I wanted to test the relationship of the blog to the bernos customers; third I was distracted by a woman; fourth I have been busy working.

My lack of patience protects me from situations I shouldn’t be in. This whole situation of how much shit to put up with before you say,

Na ah hell nah!”

Everyone should not have to wait ‘wasting time!’ Things don’t change over time; people don’t change unless they care enough to try. You have to be proactive in making a change in your life yourself.

Patience is not a virtue; it’s just a waste of time. Sure there are those instances when you wait and get a good surprise ending but they are rare, & sure it’s ok to be disappointment.

But the point is to limit the risk and increase the rewards. This applies to everything.

This is my end of year advice to all bernosians everywhere.

I will do yet another post regarding resolutions before the end of the year.

This one girl, who is a platonic friend and have been exchanging emails with me for about 4 years now, recently changed her style. Those long emails she used to send have been getting shorter and shorter by the week. By summer time, it got short that my emails to her were getting in her ‘no reply necessary’ folder.

Here is a rule of thumb for those of you that are no email savvy. If there is no CC, it’s a direct email and it needs a reply; if there is no need to reply to it by an answer, you need to send confirmation that you received and read the email.

A simple one to two words is fine. Ok, Got it, Thanks, Fine and Cool are perfect. If you are really swamped for time then skip the word and write the letter ‘K.’

That’s it! reply confirmation is always necessary!

She called; I was in a building where reception was terrible. I picked up, as she had tried to contact me in other means regarding the juicy happenings of the weekend.

I could barely hear her; I told her I would call her in 2 minutes from downstairs. Two minutes later, she is not picking up. I went down the elevator, searched for a private location with better reception, all in 2 minutes and called her.

Annoyed! I let it go, as she is my friend but she really need to get some training in consideration.

There are those people that pick up the phone all the time, I love those guys! But it should also be understood that every phone call is not suppose to be picked up. Hence, the thing called voice mail.

And give me time to check the voice mail, and if necessary I will return the phone call. My mom calls me and leaves a message, and calls again and again till I pick up. I always tell her that I was peeing; and she jokes with me, ‘that’s a long pee!’

I had a girl friend once, who was always annoyed that I didn’t pick up the phone, I was always surprised that she would complain the few times I didn’t pick up the phone, because she never picked up her phone calls from others in front off me.

I would ask her why she didn’t pick it up, and she would reply with ‘bakeh I will get to them another time.’ Eventually I found out that a lot of people get annoyed with her because she only gets to them at her convenience. The hypocrisy was that she expected different from those she wanted to her from regardless of their convenience.

I have a few people on my must talk list, they are on my favorites and even if I am running to a meeting, I pick it up and tell them that I would call them at a certain time. There was a time where I would end up talking on the phone for about 2 hours a day, replying to people that only call me when they need something.

Now I moved to an hour between 6 & 7 on weekdays, I use that time to reply to all those voice mails that I get daily; including those that need something from me.  Of course there are exceptions to the rule.

By far the most annoying thing is people that always have to check their phones at all times. Please keep that cell phone in the purse when you are at a dinner. If you want to text and talk on the phone while at dinner please do it at the next table.

Years ago a friend of mine tried to date an acquaintance. She was in a state of confusion and, as I suspect, was in love with someone else but decided to still give my friend a chance or possibly use him to get attention.

I don’t know the details, but I knew they spent a lot of time together. Months go by and they are not hanging out anymore.

The girl contacted me for something unrelated and as we were talking she told me that he doesn’t talk to her anymore. Of course I asked why, but she was unable to answer.

I don’t know; he is acting childish! I will just give him time.”

I suspected he tried and was tired and wanted to get her out of his system. Plus she seemed like the selfish type.

So they never ever talked to each other. The girl runs around in the same circle as he does, more so than I do with either of them. But they don’t talk; they just ignore each other even if they are at the same dinner party.

I just think that is juvenile. I think people should curse each other out and then say hello if they run into each other; especially in circumstances where the two know each other more than anybody else.

Tens of thousands of Chinese couples rushed to tie the knot across the nation Wednesday, or 09/09/09, hoping that the ‘triple 9 day’ will bring them good luck and eternal love.

Few years ago when I was in graduate school, the graduate student association held speed dating event twice a years.When the next speed dating event was announced, my friends and I talked about participating.

We thought it would be fun to go and meet new guys since we were all new in school/town. I wasn’t dating anybody at that time so why not give it a shot?I have never been to speed dating event. I wanted to go and see what’s like to meet a stranger and converse for 5 minute.

Would anyone be interested in me after 5 minutes of conversation? Those where the types of the questions that I wasn’t able to answer for myself. At the last minute, I chickened out and decided not to attend. I guess fear of rejection got the best out of me.

Two of my brave friends attended this speed dating event for graduate students, who do not have that much chance to meet people outside of school. After wards, I have heard everything about the speed dating and about all the cute guys that showed up. Some of them were easy to talk to and some of them asked strange questions. In 5 minute, it must be difficult to evaluate if you have any connection or chemistry. You have to work with your gut feeling here. Some guys/gals do no make good first impression.

After the results came, one of my friends had no match, and the other one had two guys interested in her. Fortunately, she was also interested in one of the guys that picked her. They set a date to go out to dinner and I remember helping her pick an outfit for her first date. Things were really going well between them and as long as I remember she was dating the same guy throughout grad school. I have graduated and didn’t keep in touch with my friend. We both moved to our separate ways.

Fast forward to 5 yrs later

After long day of work, I am sitting home watching TV and surfing Facebook online. I was reading status updates and checking out pictures here and there.I just like to turn off my brain and do something that doesn’t require much thinking. I saw pictures posted from the same girl that met her man at speed dating. It was wedding pictures. My friend and the guy tied the knot recently. I love Facebook updates.

You never know where you are going to find your love or your life long partner. Keep your eyes, your mind, and your heart open.

I have been reading bernos since the beginning, and while I love it, some of the content seems like it’s too much bellyaching about Ethiopian women and men. I have some advice for both sexes, or at the very least bellyaching of my own.

For the men; it seems to me many Ethiopians aren’t as confident and or as manly as other races. Manly men are confident men; women are attracted to men who project confidence.

Sadly, many men these days lack any confidence at all. Some walk around with their head down, wallowing in self pity. Others confuse manly confidence with cockiness. These men have confused confidence with being a douche bag.

Confidence is quiet; it’s unpretentious! When a man walks into a room who has acquired this confidence, people can feel it.

Take pride in your appearance, it doesn’t mean you have to be Ryan Seacrest or metro-sexual. Shave, shower and comb your hair everyday! Dress nicely, don’t wear old slacks or old jeans with an old button down that looks like your grandpa’s wardrobe.

Set goals and meet them, one goal at a time! Exercise, learn new skills, and Do something, anything! Remember your past successes, and don’t be borcham.

For the women; I feel Ethiopian women are being more and more Americanized. What happened to the nurturing Ethiopian woman in the traditional sense? Why are you so stuck up now?

What happened to the natural hair, now it is weaves, perms and extensions? Have you had sex with a woman with a weave?…there are rules involved, no pulling or touching, its seems unnatural.

Ethiopian women need to go back to your roots, act more sensibly, have natural hair and stop trying to be a gold digging American girl. Respect our strong Ethiopian men for who they are and not what they have.

The traditional “idea” as described in the dictionary is just ‘any conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding, awareness, or activity.’

So an idea is nothing but ‘a thought’ that comes to your head while you are peeing; & speaking it doesn’t necessarily make it a great one. Anyone can come up with an obvious and a not so obvious thought.

But does that make you a genius? No, you just observed with your common sense pee sized of a brain and then shouted it out loud.

Most people know that a simple idea if implemented know works. Most people know that if they work out they can loose those extra pounds, but executing the idea of working out for a prolonged period of time consistently is the hard part.

I for one think I am someone with common sense, and have a brain larger than the average Joe. Yet, people I know keep coming to me with ideas that are so simple and possibly effective as if I haven’t thought about it.

They think they are smarter, or think they are helpful. The reality is though their idea of doing something is so simple that they came up with it while they were sitting on the toilet. I also thought about it, months before in a similar toilet.

The fact remains that if you don’t the hard part of persistently pushing towards your objectives in life or project; your ideas mean nothing to anyone. An idea is only good as an implementation of it.

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a restaurant owner, who happens to be a friend. I had some thoughts which I contemplated would improve his business but I kept it to myself because the thoughts I had were too simple that the restaurateur probably knows and is possibly contemplating improving his business by it. Perhaps he even knows he could improve his business but doesn’t have the resources of time and or money to make the change at this time.

Thus I kept my opinion to myself. I think would better suit him if I could put some work behind the idea and bring it up to his attention by offering quick and cheap ways to apply the changes.

Otherwise, it’s just a suggestion that is most likely overwhelming for him to put into action.

I think we are all better served, if you kept your ideas to yourselves. Because everyone knows, that if they work out they will be in better shape; that if you improve your website your business will do better; and etc.

You are no genius with your obvious ideas. And don’t get mad because I brush off your obvious ideas because I don’t have the time or money to employ it.

I have perused the Bernos blog and enjoyed reading most thoughts on a variety of different topics.  As a single young woman, though, I of course have been drawn to the dating & relationships related pieces.

This led me to find Nolawi & Wondata’s pieces on the F-zone – essentially guys who are in like/lust/love with a woman who only wants to be friends.  Both submissions generated much discussion much of which puts the woman at fault for the scenario.

I agree there are certain things women sometimes do to exacerbate the situation.  The dating scene can be contentious and confusing at times, and as a woman you walk a delicate line between being ‘too nice’and leading someone on versus being direct which often times gets interpreted as being “a bitch.”

To the women out there I will say — if you know what you want or don’t want for everyone’s sake, please be honest and direct without insulting.

Be aware that no matter how ‘nice’ you are sometimes the guy is just going to take things the wrong way, and its just something he is going to have to work through.  In the end you are doing him a favor if you are honest from the moment you know how you truly feel.  No, my question is:

What is a woman to do when she has done all she can to let a guy know he will not pass out of the F-zone but he remains persistent?”

Two years ago I moved back to a city where I have many friends.  I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship 8 months prior and had not really dated since.  One particular friend, in an attempt to be helpful, introduced me to her cousin who had just moved to the same city.  He was new to the area and quickly became a regular among our group. 

In the beginning I wanted to be open to the idea of dating and thus made an effort to get to know him.  We never actually dated, but we hung out and occasionally talked on the phone.  He made it clear that he was interested but I quickly realized I was still not over the ex.

So, this guy got the in person “you are great but I am not ready for a relationship” talk.  We left the door open for a possibility of something in the future but the bottom line message was “don’t call me, I’ll call you” – He just entered the F-Zone.

Over the past two years I got over the ex, began dating again, and continued to stay friends with this guy but we never actually dated.  As I got to know him in this time, I realized that I was not interested in dating him…what so ever.  He is an entertaining friend but I am not physically or romantically attracted to him.  Not only that, we have some fundamental differences in views and would drive each other mad were we to date.

For most of the two years this did not matter, though, because we put the dating idea on the back burner.  Then about 6 months ago he asked if there was a chance for us.  We had another discussion and this time I laid it down.  You are a cool friend, I respect you as a person, but I need to be attracted both physically and emotionally to someone to date him and despite the time we have gotten to know one another these feelings have never developed towards you.

I hope you understand and I hope we can be friends but I understand if you need to pull away. His response?  I understand, but know how I feel and if you ever change your mind I am here and I will “always” be in love with you.

He then proceeds to stay in close contact – I should add one way contact (texts, voicemails, etc.) where he continues to profess his love.  He sometimes disappears for a week or more but resurfaces strong with the same messages.  I reiterate the message that I’m “just not that into” him but to no avail.  He even thanks me for my frankness but does not change his behavior.

What is a girl to do?

Img Source Anti-Flirt collection is a name of a clothing brand.
But in the 1920, there was a women organization called anti-flirt club that wanted to stop men whistling from their cars.

Women are complicated human beings and I have been getting conflicting signals. Thus I don’t know what is right or wrong?

I have heard female significant others both mine and of friends claim that it’s wrong for a man attached in a relationship to flirt with other women, regardless of the act leading to other acts.

I for one think of the deed to be legal by all measurable standards!

A friend once told me that she disapproves flirting because it can misinterpret her fiancée’s intent of actually not pursuing a relationship or a casual encounter with the person he is flirting with.

Expert flirtologists know that the act is not entertaining if it’s taken too seriously. From what I have seen a girl can grind with the guy till 2 a.m. never to see him or talk to him another day. It’s not necessarily a proposal for sex.

A girl who I been eying at a wedding came up behind pinched me somewhere and whispered “if I wasn’t married…” and left. At the time as a young boy I appreciated it and ‘made my night’ to flirt with a MILF.

Flirting is a fun act that is shouldn’t be off limits to those attached. I know married men & women who flirt openly as well as those that consider it a betrayal of sorts.

I think the best approach is to be honest that it exists and talk about it openly. The fact remains no man or woman can exist without at least looking at surrounding opposite sexes.

Tips for women…

Look approachable, relax your body language and give the man a hint that you are a fun person. You will get asked out more often if you are friendly and not “Kostara.”

Quick Eye contact and smile, is all a woman needs to do.

Tips for men…

Have no expectations;’ she is not your woman, at least not yet! I have seen give complete attention to one and later give the same attention to another minutes later. I find it a turnoff & somewhat slutty to see a woman flirt with 4 guys in the same hour but it happens, so lower your expectation. Girls like guys who are not possessive!

Limit your physical contact initially. Make your touch gradual! Look for reciprocal body language. I tend to whisper close to the ear, just a habit of a touchy feely person. And in some cases I seen woman back away; at this point I unconsciously back off to show my intention of not wanting to invade her personal space. She eventually would come closer & whisper right back in my ears.

My uncle told me this from his own personal experience of an remarkable man. Just like the story of my professor’s father in law, I find it very interesting and keep retelling it over and over.

Last week, I was in Chicago for a week, I met lots of people who I have met before and some others for the first time ever. I look at their faces and realize I knew them somehow, in particular cases I remembered how I knew them but not their names. In certain instances, I would need a name before I realize who they actually were.

I was running down to the bernos booth while Dawit was looking for me. He was standing there waiting for me with a familiar face, and nothing more.

I spoke with this person casually for a few minutes before my memory was triggered. I felt bad about it and gave him a hug. I was supposed to know this person, because this person is special to bernos.

Eventually, we spoke more and caught up! This person probably has no idea that I didn’t remember him initially.

My uncle, who years ago worked in a very large corporation, told me that he was introduced to the CEO and they casually spoke about family and life. A year later that same CEO came in town and they bumped into each other and he called him by his name and asked him personal questions.

My uncle was shocked that this man who probably met dozens of new people daily would remember an encounter that happened a year earlier in such detail. He asked him how he is able to retain information in such a manner as to not offend many not so important people. The CEO gets interrupted and never responds to my uncle.

Another half a year goes by and my uncle is called by the executive assistant to a conference room all the senior VP’s and Chief’s were in a seminar of some sort.

My uncle walked in and sits in the back listening. The speaker of was an expert consultant that was there to give the honchos information on how to be better leaders in their senior roles that demand such high level of multi tasking and networking with thousands of employees and clients.

They were told to unwind at the end of the night, sit and think for two to five minutes at the end of each night going through the day, remembering each person they meet as well as vital information’s of the day.

I was so impressed that the CEO would remember to call my uncle to the seminar because he never actually answered the question when he initially asked; I started using the same technique.

I was always one of those people that remember things I promise to do, although I have twice in 2009 ignored people that wanted me to do them favors after I initially committing to certain projects.

My uncles account was again triggered my experience with a bernos fan, this last week. I really wondered how public officials do campaigning without offending important people who happened to be supporters and donors without offending them.

One of the most popular phrases,

If it works in Africa, it will work anywhere.

The statement I am quite familiar with was recently harked back by one of the most popular African bloggers is Hash aka Erik Hersman of White African who actually grew up in Kenya & Sudan.

I think this statement as well as Hash’s AfriGadjet showcases the African ingenuity & persistence.

I sometimes feel like I lack real African experiences but sometimes I am dubious about my uncertainty thankfully by my social interactions. I am not the worldliest persons but I at least appreciate the fact that I am connected to Africa everyday through the internet.

Of course my route here at bernos has been not only a creative outlet by a link to my Afrocentricity.

But reading blogger’s like Hash makes me really sad because I feel like as Africans we tend to refrain from sharing real world social experience. There is a huge gap in the amount of socially relevant literature, media outlets and even in the form of art.

At the end we African are to blame because most of us that are lucky enough to have an extra minute or two after the struggle for survival tend to worry about life from a limited perspective.

We educate ourselves in western values! And easily dismiss our own social culture, art, and talent. Thus artists, craftsmen, and authors are discouraged to continue to struggle to share their life through their art.

I envy those westerners that appreciate Africa and African culture and art more that real Africans, because their lives are the better for it.

Besides being a popular phrase; ‘state of mind’ is the perspective on which you look at situations. Yes my definition because I was not able to find my application of the phrase online being described.

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”

I love that phrase because perception is not reality; and reality is relative perception. Are you confused yet?

I have heard people say, ‘he/she hurt me;’ and the fact is he/she did. And that is reality! If someone feels hurt it’s a fact, regardless of the action that caused the hurt by general measurable standards was considered hurtful.

So being hurt is a ‘State of Mind.’

I find myself saying, I don’t care if it works out it works out and if doesn’t then so be it. Eventually I believe it, and then I live it and truly I didn’t care.

I just found out some news that could have been looked at as either a positive or a negative. I found myself looking at it negatively and being unhappy about it. But in reality since the news is a fact that I can’t change, I should have tried to look at it positively so that I could actually be nonchalant about it.

I struggle with this; being complacent is one of those things that come with consistency in our lives. Stability, resilience & security are some of the things we strive for as we get older.

In reality though in our lives —although stable with basic necessities — we are dealing with problems that come and go; losing a job, relationship problems, and health issues among the many unforeseen variables. The mundane and trivial trails that god — if you believe in that — or pure existence puts us through. The other most stable part of almost everyone’s lives are the people that somehow share your livelihood; friends, family, random relationships & significant others.

I have seen this from different angles. I have disregarded — aka taken for granted people who happen to be involved in my life because I was dealing with a major headache of some sort that instance, that week, or even that month.

I have seen others overlooking friends just because they are in a new romantic soiree. I have seen new significant others ruining friendships and relationships within the family.

I have lost friends that were an integral part of my life and I of theirs because we being incompatible due to married. They now have married friends; his wife prefers him not hanging out or even talking with someone that marks single on their tax forms.

Long ago a friend asked me to join him on a night out in town; I declined to join him. He was adamant on a legitimate excuse for my hesitation to join him and then asserted that if the shoes were the other way around it wouldn’t be the case.

Most people, I have noticed would generally give a white lie in this situation. I have to do some errands; I have a headache or something to that extent. I usually do not lie about such trivial things and I get in trouble for it.

The thing is; he who asked to join him had in the past ignored me for months when he was hot & heavy in love with a new girl. So I mentioned it, and he said yes, if he was to do it all over again he would – he exhaled. Meaning it should be that way, apparently friends should step aside when its not convenient for them.

I have seen this happened not just to me but in society in general. Not to say I have never been guilt, I have been — I have said that I just can’t make it tonight I have to go see about a girl. Gin its never been so bad that I would avoid my friends at all costs including phone calls just because I happen to be in love this month.

You see what people tend to forget is that friends & family are there forever through thick and thin. They don’t leave you because you are broke or you gained weight or lost your hair or you go to jail. Significant others are not replacements and should not be treated as such.

Don’t take me for granted, I never have!

We all have heard the stories… the ones that start by saying you know so and so killed his wife or so and so tried to kill her boyfriend and lately I have heard so and so killed his wife and then shot himself to death.

Now what I want to know is why do we as individuals go that far and not even consider seeking professional help? What is holding us back? Could it be we are scared of being labeled as “crazy” by our community for seeing a mental health professional?

I think we as a society could take some of the blame for being quick in labeling some individuals “crazy.” Do we ever think of the word “crazy” and how it affects an individual? I also think some of the myths we hear about counseling and psychiatrists actually plays a role in making our decision not to seek help.

I can tell you from my own circles of friends and random people I encounter on social events say to me “Therapy?  Please that stuff never works for Abesha people” or my favorite one is “Crazy people need therapy I’m not crazy” and another one that makes me smile is when I hear older people say to me, “Well that’s what buna is for… by the time you drink the third round you have solved your problems.”

Granted that might have worked for them but in this day and age something has got to give for our generation. I think we should all participate in creating awareness about this issue.

Someone who I had a business meeting with told me that I shouldn’t sell myself short. It made me think about my sales pitch.

Recently there was news of a guy who was selling a Ponzi scheme which final accounting claims are said to be somewhere over in the 60 billion dollars. Bernard Madoff basically stole people money through his asset management company. I have been obsessing about the details because I was so impressed that he was able to get away with it for such a long time.

The sales pitch was his results, I assume. The results early investors saw and the fact that he was not willing to accept new investors unless they begged him or something to that extent.

And I was thinking, am I selling myself short or am I just making a sell on the business arrangement by encouraging him that I lack certain things that are not important to business at hand?

Or am I actually encouraging the business arrangement towards a certain different direction intentionally for my own benefit?

I was thinking the latter, but confidence sells. Just tell them you are capable because your mind is capable.

A while ago I was having a conversation about how to have a good conversation. Ironic, I know!

I once had a conversation about the act of saying ‘No.’ The dude was reading a book titled ‘How to say no,’ or a reiteration of it. Apparently, the dude was tired of people making demands of his time.

Seinfeld Ologist would say some of our conversations are about nothing. A conversation about nothing is appealing as long as it’s not elevator talk.

How are you? Fine; how is work? It’s Ok; how was your weekend? good!”

It’s expected that everything is fine, and the person asking the question is not really asking a question rather enhancing the casual ‘hello!’ by elongating it to casual questions. This way he can act as if he is interested in how well you are coping with life.

I would never say that is a conversation, it becomes a conversation if you decide to follow the question about the weekend with details about your weekend.

Sometimes, I would test these casual passerbies with details like being overcharged by the mechanic for my annual tire rotation or being tagged by a traffic camera on my way to work.

See how interested they are? I often see a surprised — why is he telling me all this? — look!

A Good Conversation

While I was in the conversation about ‘good conversational skills,‘ the friend suggested anyone interested in a good conversation with someone specific would need the details of their interests.

I did a quick Googling while I was in the topic and it reiterated my initial thoughts about good conversation.

The consensus, listening is important! Then ask questions, and then ask clarifying questions and then listen.

For those of you that have met me, you know I ask questions — to the point where in our culture is considered rude.

This is not about being blunt, or rude. It’s just expressing how you feel!

Sometime you just have to say it. You did this to me and it makes me feel this way. So I said it, and he said no need to be rude, I am busy.

I know for a fact he is busy, and I know after telling him what I felt that he most likely didn’t forget intentionally.

I feel better, because if I didn’t say it I would remember it for the rest of the year or so. I just want to make the issue disappear from my head and not be angry about it.

Venting

I call it venting, and it lets steam out of your ears, nose and other body orifices. That in turn keeps you cool and going along.

The term ‘going postal’ is popular for a reason. According to wiki:

Its verb meaning to suddenly become extremely and uncontrollably angry…”

Once in a while you need to tell your boss or who ever fu*ed you that you feel betrayed even it does not change the outcome.

I make it a point to throw a semi tantrum when my friends are late beyond the point of no return.

Some people will never change and will continue to be inconsiderate, but at least I am expressing my concern so that I keep sane.

I am a calm person, and I would like to think that some really bad news is not going to rattle me too much. Sometime the news is anticipated and sometimes is unexpected.

When its unexpected, I get shocked but I am calm, I would wait for it to sink in. So it takes a while to for me to get really upset by it.

Ten hours later I would be like,

oh sh!t, I can’t believe this sh!t, SOL“

One of my not so good friend is seeing a therapist, although he can’t afford the 130$ an hour twice a month at this time; he has said that it has done his anxiety attacks so much good.

I deal by venting and talking to my friends and family. I tend to put to much pressure on myself, I generally think positively and hope for the best.

I have made some big mistakes in the past, things I regret and things I don’t regret. Right now though I am thinking life is just so much bigger than day to day issues that big enough to affect your lifestyle.

The Secret

I am not much of a self help type of guy. I think the art of power thinking is over rated. It does not change real-world outcomes.  You can’t think your way out of a bad car accident, but power thinking specialists claim that things happen because you think about it happening.

By the same token, positive thinking; glass half full optimism or half empty pessimism does in fact have affect your life either positively or negatively.

I am reading a book called the secret, via my mothers recommendation. And I have seen positive outcomes in thinking positively at least in others.

The recent bad news I received was unexpected and it might spiral to be a worse situation for me personally but I am thinking positively that maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

It’s OK, I will be OK!