The Language Choice 31 Comments

The words for dating always confuse me. I don’t understand how dating differs from hanging out; if you go on a date does it mean you are dating? Blah blah

I personally just call it talking. I am talking to this girl. If we hang out a couple of times, i.e., we go on a date, does it mean we are dating? Or are we just talking. If it gets physical and we don’t end up talking the next day or the day after then I know it’s a hook up.

The point is, that is mostly depends on the girl. She literally makes the choice initially.

I once was on a date or so I thought and a random female stranger came up to her and told her that she was pretty; and then followed it with a question inquiring if we were married.

I loved the question. It would be interesting to hear what the girl was going to say. If I was on the spot I would have joked about it as I have many times.  Yes we are married! In fact we are from Madagascar on our honeymoon; I don’t think she would have married me if she didn’t get pregnant.

She didn’t joke about it.  She is not the joking type.  She never jokes. She was going to tell her the truth. But I didn’t know if her truth is matched my truth. It’s like poker; don’t bluff if you are going to get called. If she said he is my boyfriend, I probably wouldn’t like it. If she said we are dating, I would most likely think that is somewhat accurate.

She said we are just friends. GRRR! I figured that is the least presumptuous and safe answer.

I didn’t like it! And it got even worse when the stranger at that point wanted to introduce her to someone she thought would be a good match for her. I just sat back and listened to the stranger went on and one about the guy.

At this point, I was done. I dont hang out with new girls just to be friends.  I would have walked away right there but I wanted to make it obvious that I didn’t care! Then I really didn’t care anymore, I didn’t call her or get in touch.

In her own pace, weeks later she contacted me, asking to hang out. I think we hanged out a few times more and things fizzled out through no ones fault. If she had treated me better I think I would have treated her better. Basically I didn’t like her choice of language.

Of course, there are extremes of the language situation both from the males and the females. I have heard one guy say to a girl that they are ‘just f***king‘ after a year of doing just that. I have heard a girl say she is just hanging out after stringing a guy along for unreasonable amount of time.

And I myself have been guilty and or a victim of this in many situations. I am just saying that the choice of language is an important aspect of any relationship — be it a booty call or an LTR.

Disclaimer: not all parts of this story are completely accurate.

31 Responses to “The Language Choice”

  1. 1 hehehe

    Dude, I don’t understand why so many people have issues being ‘just friends’ with the opposite sex. What’s the big deal? Why would you even want to date a person you’re not capable of being friends with? There’s nothing wrong w/ dating a friend, but there is something wrong with attempting to date with a person you can’t be friends with.

    Recently I tried to clarify to guy, who was new in town and I figured we could be friends, that I didn’t do ‘dates’. This was after he explicitly stated his interest. Despite the ‘let’s be friends’ agreement, he sent me flowers (which I hate) and did a few other things which made it pretty obvious that he was not treating me as a friend. I sat him down and explained again, if there’s ever to be any communication he has to treat me like a friend, like he treats a guy friend, for example. I could see that he just couldn’t process the ‘pretend i’m a guy’ thing.

    A day later I got an email asking me, ‘Are you telling me that you’re a transvestite?’ Besak motku. Around 3 weeks after I met him, we stopped talking because he couldn’t navigate my ‘friendship’ territory and any more than i could his ‘dating’ world.

    Oh well, I’m no less happier for it. I hope he’s ok too, as are you and your lady friend. Hope you both meet pple who speak your language ;)

  2. 2 airan

    Nolawi – The subject matter of your posts is always on point! I’ve been lurking on this blog for a while and I’m now finally posting a comment…

    @ Hehehe – I’ve experienced the same thing many times. Here’s how it usually goes: From the jump, I say I’m not looking for anything serious. I just want to be friends. He says, Oh sure. Let’s take things slow. No rush. I think – Phew, that was easy. Next thing – he’s calling all the time, making grand gestures and making things uncomfortable. I reiterate – Hey, just want to check in. We’re just friends right? He assures me we’re on the same page but gets more pushy and the gestures get grander. I start to get annoyed and retreat but still feel bad enough to return his calls every now and then. He starts to get annoyed and gets more pushy/forceful. There’s a surprise visit (by him) at the office/home looking all spiffy. I remain unswayed. “It” ends with him telling me to “Lose my number and forget my name.” Seriously. This acutally happened.

    Sometimes no matter what language you use, people just hear what they want to hear. Period.

  3. 3 SelamT

    What is LTR??

  4. 4 helen


    Google, it is your friend ….

  5. 5 Doro Mata

    One of these days, I’d like to come to bernos and find a blog about Nolawi’s wedding, cuz you know… seeing married life through Nolawi’s eyes is gonna be interesting as well :)

    Long Live Bernos :)

    oh, and Hi all! where’s celebratelife?

  6. 6 Doro Mata

    date/hangin/talkin scene

    a habesha girl, and a white man

    a nosy habesha guy who knows the girl

    greet. introduce. hi, i’m so and so, so and so. blah blah. small talk finished.

    phew. no awkwardness.

    two minutes later habesha guy comes back onto scene.

    guy: anchi…. simi, mán new yihe demo?

    girl: ende, alnegerkuhim? ekele yibalal.

    guy: malete… manew, MANEWOO?!

    girl: beka, man endilih felek?

    guy: minish new?

    girl: minim, gudegna nen.

    guy: tadia leguadegna new endezih amresh yeweTash? yawm lemayreba neCH.


  7. 7 Nolawi

    LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP… LTR for show selam.. he he he

  8. 8 Nolawi

    Oh sharrup Doro… its not a funny joke…

    celeb has been MIA for about a Year now… !

  9. 9 Bed_ford

    It is my question too, where’s celebratelife?

  10. 10 corpalum

    OK ok…

    Men are men- meaning that men’s natural tendency in life is to spread their seed, as opposed to be friends with the opposite sex—bluntly speaking. Very simple.
    So, to all you men wanting to have female friends, I say bullshit! In the back of your head, you all want to hit it…maybe not actively pursue it, but you all want to end up horizontal with your female friends at some point…and praying that the next meet at Starbucks will lead up to that….stop lying you all!
    All you females crying foul why man can’t just be friends with you, think about the story of the scorpion and frog trying to cross the river. Men will always be men (unless they like other men…whatever) and you all need to deal with that and stop bitching..AND I think in the back of your head, you all know that ‘men friends’ really want a lay, but you act like you just want to be plotonic friends…! Also, most of you females use the ‘male friend’ excuse to really check the guy out for a potential bf or husband..a fu*k friend or whatever…you all know what I’m talking about

    I’m being blunt and I think most people know this, but like to complain and tell stories about what happened to them.. etc

  11. 11 nolawi

    I dont think anyone here is complaining… though

  12. 12 corpalum

    sounded to me like the females were complaining…how men cannot be trusted to be platonic friends…sounded to me that way anyway

  13. 13 airan

    Haha. I love how some people use the “I’m being blunt”/tough love line at the end of the most asinine explanations. Are you serious – your argument is “Men will be men”?

  14. 14 Corp_alum


  15. 15 just a friend

    I have been following this blog for some years. More over the last six month than before and I find Nolawi you need help. I don’t think you are going to find the kind of help you need here. It seems you have been saying the same thing for years. I don’t know if you are just killing time with this line of blog. I am sure you are a nice guy but….come on!!!

  16. 16 Nolawi

    ^ so only the last six months – just-a-friend that i need help?

    come oon what? what kind of help do I need.. am assuming you mean professional psychiatric ones..but for what exactly is the question?

  17. 17 just a friend

    You seem to have a tendency to see the negative in things. The Power of Positive Thinking is a really great book. I think psychiatrist is not a bad thing. They are really good at helping people sort out the meaning of things. The good once just listen with out judgement and help you. Please, disregard if all this is a misguided attempt to get people talking.

  18. 18 datdude

    i like this, one of my pet peeves is misuse of words. As a guy, we try to be persistent but in my experience though, when a girl says she ‘just wants to be friends’ it usually means just that, they don’t throw that line out unless they really mean it. What i’ve found helpful is in the early stages to avoid putting a label on a relationship. That way your judgment is not clouded trying to live up to that label. In this case, this girl saying ‘friends’ probably killed any chances that nolawi and her could develop something, I call it premature-labelling :) Although there is a place for formal definitions, the early stages of a relationship really deserve a new word—ye metewawek gize, treading water, malamet, phut malet, etc…

  19. 19 Leo

    but until you talk about the status of the relationship, you are indeed freinds. I think the word for the early stages of a elationship is “friends”, i really don’t see the problem with that

  20. 20 corpalum

    datdude & Leo- I think it all hinges on what circumstances you meet the person. if you, from the get go approach a girl as interested to pursue a romantic thang, then her lebeling it as a ‘friend’ would be a problem …but for example if you meet someone at zemed bet within a group setting …and exchange numbers to contunue the conversation some other time…then its a bit complicated and harder to deciper if the word ‘friend’ is thrown out…
    but again, i am a firm beliver that both parties know what’s up in the back of their heads…it’s a matter of time before the hookup OR heart break …becasue 1)the opportunity never arrives – in the former 2) party holds on to hope :) or misread the situation – in the latter
    hope i wasn[‘t too incoherent

  21. 21 spacefog

    In my dictionary friends means platonic friends. Wey demo ppl say that when they are not sure if they want romantic relationship with you. You knwo the way you men like to keep us ‘on hold’ till the other girl comes around:)
    Either ways, If you are on a date and other party said “you are just friends” right infront of you ,run.

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