Airing your dirty laundry; behind closed doors; biting your tongue; left in the dark; covering your tracks; keeping it under the hat; under wraps; on the DL (down-low); mum is the word; off the record.
These are English idioms off the top of my head with a little bit of help via Google; basically verbalizing the act of ‘keeping it a secret.’ Not in the slightest is using phrases like these a major vocabulary(ic) accomplishment, in fact these are common phrases used by, I dare say, by common people.
The English language remains diverse with its idiosyncrasies; in timing, accent, idioms, and regular expressions among much other dissimilarities. Nevertheless the topic is not the language itself, rather the meaning of the phrases.
Secrets are part of life, and they play an important role in keeping social in all aspects of our lives including governance, business and personal lives. I once read that without secrecy animals can’t hide their offspring’s from harms way thereby ensuring the survival of their species.
A good male friend or so I thought, recently told me about a recent incident excluding some details. Who was present? He replied with ‘my girl friend.’ What, you mean to tell me that we have talked nearly every-day over last few months and you didn’t tell me about your GF.
Apparently, it was never brought up; I shared although he never asked about my personal life. We have discussed wide varieties of themes including matter of the heart, but I did ask if he has a GF, why should I, he is a dude. If it was significant in his life and as we are friends he would mention it; perhaps I expected that it would be mentioned.
Just one example but it’s a repeating theme; I have had a woman say to me that she is also seeing someone else months after entanglement. I was told not to assume!
Women have told me significant details about their personal life after it was significantly omitted; including the fact one was married. Married..! are you efen kidding me? No, I thought you knew, she exclaimed.
At least now I could check off the “carrying on in an affair” off my bucket list, though being single instance ‘Karma is a bitch!,’ I heard.
Undoubtedly the Ethiopian community is another animal in itself; our culture is dead set on keeping everything a secret; details of our lives must be kept closely guarded. Two lives, one that is actual and another that is perceived reality.
My significant secret is the fact I was adopted but no one not even my best friend, my girl friend or my cousin knows about it. Only my mother and my cousin’s father and my grand parents know about it. Although I suspect cousins father told his wife and his wife told her best friend and now a few random people know and it’s not publicly acknowledged.
I found out about it only 10 years ago because of health reasons. I now live my life going out of my way to hide the fact I was adopted. It will continue to haunt my life forever.
The story about the adoption a complete fiction I only made it up to emphasize the type of secrets that is kept in our society.
These are the kind of secrets that are kept hushed up; for no apparent reason! Females are worse than the males although understandably because of the magnified constraints and pressure our culture puts on them much like of the third world.
I am not saying go out of your way to make everything public. No just don’t go out of your way to hide significant details of your life from significant people in your life. That will be a big step forward!
Published by April 7th, 2010 in Advice, African and History.
http://www.harlemloves.com/201 0/09/the-style-agnes-and-lola- african-fashion-boutique/...
The blog started with discussions on how secrets play an important role “in keeping social in all aspects of our lives including governance, business and personal lives.” but climaxed with complaints of uncontrolled secrets in the Ethiopian community and culture in general.
I agree with the necessity and/or importance of secrets in society, but don’t sympathize with the complaints directed at the handling (or the lack thereof depending on which side of the coin one owner is) of secrets with the Ethiopian society.
I think we can agree that a secret seizes to be a secret as soon as it’s shared. If so, we give up the right of ‘owning’ the secret when a decision is made to share it. Sure, you want to run it thru your pals to see what they think, perhaps you want to see someone’s reaction when you tell them, or you, unconsciously want to make sure that people know about it- whatever the reason may be, disintegrates the nature of the secret.
If someone decides not to divulge a personal information, it does not mean that they are being secretive. I think a better term may be ‘reserved’. Also, what right do we have expecting ‘good friends’ tell us that their mother once sold herself to feed the family or their father has 55 other kids outside of marriage. What purpose would it serve in sharing this type of information? I can understand sharing this sensitive info during a time of, perhaps, compromising situation or intoxication or maybe on a death bed, but sipping coffee…I don’t think so. Again, it serves no purpose.
Bottom line is sharing sensitive info about yourself or family only provides ammunition for a character assassination or worse. Yeah, it does sound paranoid, pessimistic or non-social, but really! why do we feel entitled that we should know everything about our ‘friends’?
Last– one characteristic of our closely knit society is wo’re. Wo’re is inherent to each one of us, and I don’t believe anyone that says otherwise. That’s just how we’re wired as people/society. So, secrets are important because wo’re is important to us. Without wo’regnotch, secrets could not have any place/importance. Secrets and wo’re are the different part of the same coin—I think.
@ Corp Alumni:
I think you missed the point there. I don’t think the article is talking about sensitive family secrets such as a mother selling herself to feed the family- as you put it. I think he was talking about the keeping the everyday normal things like having a girlfriend a secret. Unless the girlfriend is married, or has a boyfriend, etc… I don’t see any good reason that a person should keep it a secret. But I have seen it done many times. Maybe it has something to do with shame. And I think our culture is big on shame. Shame like secrets has its place but not to an extent it is debilitating..
I am not sure I agree with the article about women keeping more secrets than men tho…
Dude WHAT the heck… if you don’t know almost everything about your friends then they are not your friends they are acquaintances
Dude… in this creepy sneaky and down right dirty Ethiopian society riddled with shame and neglect and all kinds of abuse… secrets should have no place. Growing up deep in the society we have grown accustomed to incest, pedophilia and all sorts of horrible aspects to our culture that is WRONG!
I once found out that a guy who I was dating also had a relationship with the maid, her daughter and another woman.
Fistula is the major cause of secret marrying off a young girl knowing full well the danger that await her tiny body when it is ripped into by stinky old Ethiopian pedophiles.
And you talk about secrets amongst adults… the entire Ethiopian culture us built on secret…
Ah Oh! Onewoman, you let the cat out of the bag, now you may have to contend with some saying that these kind of things never happen in Ethiopian society.
Benegerachin laay, the secret thing kind of happens in all societies but I think ours is one of the most secretive ones. Have you ever read secret postcards on postsecret? It is quiet entertaining.
Yes I have to agree with Nolawi on this one. My god we are so secretive that best friends hide things from each-other.
There are things I know about my friend that her husband doesnt know. And I think there are she doesn’t know I am sure his friends know.
lol…
still don’t get why we feel entitled to know everything about our friends..i don’t get it.
perhaps the ‘secretive’ ppl have a good reason not to divulge..maybe they are self concious, maybe they have some sort of complex, maybe they feel threathened…maybe..
it appears that most ppl (who commented) associate friendship with divelging info..how about helping each other out intimes of need, lending an ear, or just hanging out enjoying small talk…howaboutdat?
very interesting topic
well…my best friends son is autistic.I noticed it before she did because I am in the health care .Infact these days you don’t have to work in health care to know the signs of autism.I thought she would come to me and share her concerns .Till these day she claims that her son is hyper ,has allergies ,likes to walk tip toe ,likes to rock a lot but she avoids the subject of autism at all costs .her son attends the same elementary school as my kids .When i go to pick up my kids i see him with the special ed teacher .I never confronted her .I know our society attaches a lot of stigma to this kind of disorders .our friendship is reduced to ye yilugnta niceties or rather luke warm.Here in the united states people tell you if their kids are autistic …..it is no big secret .
i have four big secrets that i will die with .they are so major that they will disrupt a lot of peoples’ lives if i tell .my reason is reasonble .
one woman
although i see where you come from you are to harsh to call older husbands pedophiles .It is a matter of culture ena try to educate yourself about societies standards,norms ,mores and culture as a whole .Who said that western culture is universally right ???????????Right is subjective to each culture ishi ho ….
corp alum
If i invest my time ,energy and emotion in real friendship then i expect that friend to come to me in time of need .Ofcourse i am entitled to know the major things going on in my best friends life .
the thing you said about sharing with people ,helping people in time of need ,lending an ear and plain out small talk is everyday stuff .Nothing special in it .I do it every single day with my co-workers ,with people in the elevator ,with neighbours ,and with some family members as well.you got a bit philosophical when you said people associate friendship with divulging info .well my dear ….if friendship is not about divulging info i am dying to know what it is about .beza lai demo when you say info it is not raw data ishi ..it is data delivered with emotion ,concern ,love ,laughter etc…..since we are humans.
i heared this from my sister -
she/my sister one day saw her Abesha neighbor with loose-fitting nightclothe and carying a trash to a dumpster
located right behind their apartment
My sister ask her(the neighbor), “yet new yemithejiew”
her neighbor reply “Aay Aand bota dereshe lemetta new”
my point -most abeshans are so seceretive even in their daily conversation..may be it’s just a habit.
selam bernos crowd! back to your page from a long absence,
back to your topic, kudos to biskut on points well made.
i’d guess at the end of the day ppl want to be understood, and i’d imagine would divulge information if they feel they won’t be judged for it. and within our close knit community there maybe a lot at stake for shring a seemingly benign detail…maybe thats why its sometimes easier to share secrets with strangers.
‘if friendship is not about divulging info i am dying to know what it is about .beza lai demo when you say info it is not raw data ishi ..it is data delivered with emotion ,concern ,love ,laughter etc’ lol i love that!!! giNn, though the more ppl share the closer the bond of frienship hOnom ppl operate at a different pace and as long as a friend doesn’t lie or misinform… maybe they could be forgiven?
telisi
your story reminds me of my mom .when people called me at home and i was not there ,they would ask my mom where i am and she would say “ahun weta alech …yet endehedech alakim “.this happened every single time even if i told her to tell where i was .She just did not seem to bring her self to tell this very discreet info to my friends lol.her answer is “tarikachihun mechem mezerzer tiwedalachu …min menger yasfeligal yet endehedsh ” .
This was a while ago when there was no cell phones in AA .now everytime i go on facebook or tweeter she says “ahun esti endi lareg new endih lareg new eyalu le alem hulu mawrat min ametaw ” .She acts as if she does not want to know how some of love hate relationship zemeds are doing but when i say “weyne entina endet endekesach while looking at a pic on facebook she is instantly behind me looking eagerly at the pix .Sorry for making posts longer .I usually am attention deficient and attention challenged and find myself lost halfway down a long post .well isn’t our generation attention challenged anyway .
Biskut,
I very well understand your friend who has a son with Autism. Why? I have a daughter that was diagnosed with Autism at age 3. She had other medical issues before then that didn’t hurt as much as the Autism diagnosis. I wanted to just run away the first time I heard the word and I mourned for the beautiful normal little girl I wanted to have. And I was devastated when I was kindly told may be I shouldn’t bring her to Church because the other kids are not learning as well because of her odd behavior, when friends no longer took the call when I wanted to ask if a play date was possible for her and their child,…If you are her friend, I emplore you to keep being her friend, let your kids play with her son, just accept her silence and be there for her. She is probably in denial or mourning for the son she didn’t have.
Interesting…I might also add something not mentioned here. Lack of Trust. Especially at a young age. So, if you grow up being back stabbed by people you deemed trustworthy then you have a high tendency of being a secretive person. Just my observations…
i’m still not there where the majority of people who commented are.
why do we have the urge to share secrets? Can someone please define the meaning of a secret to the fourm so that we can all be on the same playing field?
—
my definition of a secret is: presonal information that you would not want ANYONE to know (period!)
if this seems like a rational definition, why all the emotions and sentaments about not being told of a friend’s secret?
maybe, are we taling about somthing elase here…
found THE quote that articulates my feelings about this whole secret thing..
“If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.”
Kahlil Gibran
@Biskut…gosh!..anjetten arashiwe! I love all your tintena !! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
@Mamitu …I am touched…I see your point completely…we habeshoch need to learn to be less judgmental and more compassionate where it counts…not just at leQso bet.
Corp Alumni wrote:
Corp alumni, am in sync with you and your last quote re-emphasizes your point. although being outspoken or open exposes you to character assassination, so be it.
Mamitu, thanks for your bravery and empathy to show the rest of us to look at issues from a different angle.
Biskut, i also urge you to be a solid friend and show interest to have her son over for a play date or something. trust me that goes a long way.
Nolawi, thanks for the article, nice one.
Re:secret, i have few friends i trust and tell all my secrets which i developed that trust through time and that friendship is tested thru ups and downs… TRUST is very important to me.
i also understand if someone doesn’t want to tell me their secrets. if they want to roll that way, i’ll accept them for who they are as long as it’s reciprocated.
mamitu
I am deeply touched .Please don’t be discouraged because you still have your daughter with you and you can make the best out of what you are faced with .
As far as my friend ,she avoided me and that is why i am hurt so much .I never coaxed her into telling me what was going on.She is the one who was uncomfortable with my presence in her life .Actually her son likes me and as you know he is not sociable at all .He hugs me of all the people and i secretly get watery eyed .I have insisted on play dates inside my house and at play places ,i have suggested that we put them in certain sports together and she keeps avoiding me .I think she thinks it is her fault .i understand that our society can be rude and heartless to this type of situations but i was and still am an honest to God good and loyal friend to her .I am not someone who rejoices in other people’s sorrow .Many people have come and asked me “is there something wrong with your friends son ?” and you have no idea how their tone and condescending aura infuriates me .Hope she comes around .
hang in there mamitu .It is only for the strong and for the faithful ………you might think i am being rediculous or sarcastic but you were chosen .
mamitu
one last thing .on your last sentence you said my friend might be mourning for a son that she did not have .Having kids is like taking a risk right .You don’t know what you will be having .They can be born with illnesses and disorders and they might also grow up and aquire illnesses ,badhabits and disorders .We should just concentrate on being unconditional parents ..They are just different that require a different kind of care .It might take her time to adjust her life according to his needs but i don’t see why she should mourn .you might say that yalderesebet giligil yawqal.ofcourse i don’t know first hand what it is like.i strongly believe that kids with illnesses are not damaged goods or as good as dead that we should mourn about them when they are alive .
finally, we are driving at the heart of this discussion, which in my opinion, tesdey pointed out. Trust is a major factor when one decides to share a secret with another.
Is it maybe that we, as a society, lack trust? or is it that it takes a lot for us to trust eachother?
Nolawi- have you considered that this friend maybe doesn’t trust you? Why put the burden of proof on him completely and I mean that without any pun. Talking everyday for the last few months may not necessarily build the level of trust required (and is different per person)to share secrets- again, no pun there.
So, it is unfair to complain about a friend not sharing a secret without considering if the necessary trust and closeness has first been established.
What does it take to build this level of trust & closeness? That’s another conversation.
@tsedey
if you have the time and energy to deal with damage control that may insue out of openness, then, by all means, you should be so. I am with the opinion that relationships develop over time, not unlike an oak barrel of wine maturing. Yes, relationships mature with time. No need to put the laundry (dirty or not) out there without first establishing some sort of solidity…
corp alum
i know you adressed nolawi gin i simply have this urge to say this.I think we all know what a definition of a friend is .like nolawi pointed out earlier there is a difference between aqaintance and a friend.trustworthiness is incorporated in friendship without having to actually spell it out.
I have a feeling that you have a lot of casual friends but not real friends .
corp alum
on a last note i find you too wordy and flowless (not flawless mind you )
You guys should start a post secret for habeshas
Corp Alumni wrote:
then atleast I know where I stand… I want to know where I stand with someone….
@biskut, yene emebet
…this aint a writing contest. let’s keep things impersonal and argue/debate.
i would stick to the point not how its delivered.
Nolawi wrote:
corp alum
my bad i thought it was a writing contest lol …. when you write a comment i hope you are assuming that many people read it and how it is delivered makes all the difference .Remember raw data vs data shared among friends .Now i don’t want to turn this into a private chatroom so …so long for now my friend and when i say friend i mean it casually hoping you don’t take it personally and start sharing some of your secrets:))
@biskut- OK
—
this was an interesting topic up until emotions got involved. i have a personal issue with emotions & dispassionate assesment of things since i belive that most abeshas(including myself) appear to possess high dosages of it. just because things are not the way that we think they should be don’t make them wrong…
“We are so secretive” this & we that… if all of you who are that quick to judge/label are that brave why are you using an alias to post on Bernos? Before you jump on that e’nga bashing bandwagon I suggest you ask what your contribution is to this proverbial “we” & come w/ clean brave hands to the keyboard you are hiding behind.
@Onewoman – Were you dating Tiger? Looks like he f’ed the whole ke’bele/kefite’gna. (Get your a$$ – pun intended – checked)
@ET: you just asking a bit to much from us normal people: some are parents, others are brothers and sisters, and many more are friends, real or potential, in your ‘proverbial we’… is that no ‘contribution’ enough for you. What mountain do you want people to climb? If a ‘pun’ is your answer when you hear of sexual abuse of children, maids, and the helpless in your society… I will suspect then that you are defending yourself–you are being accused.
Pedophile: one who is sexually attracted to children. That is not a husband no matter what the arrangements.
many a times older-bachelors marry young children in arranged marriages .They are not necessarily attracted .It is not the best aspect of our culture and i hope it dies over time.I don’t think any parent will give away thier young female kids to be abused and tortured .This are well meaning parents who are handcuffed with societal norms and in some cases religion as well .They prefer older husbands for their kids because being older makes them the protected and the provider ..like i said it is not a good culture and needs a lot of work.some of you here are arm chair civil rights activists and are too harsh to judge and use the very popular phrase namely “child abuse “.child abuse and child marriage cannot be used interchangeably .poverty and ignorance is the root of it .if i were you i would critisize the western culture full of education and bloated with money yet scary that my kids can’t play outside .it is more rampant and i dare say they are morally corrupt and the west is the birth place of all pedophiles.
I hate to be a contrarian but I do think
Child marriage = Child abuse
We are not talking about late teens and twenty somethings that are being married off here, but little children some as young as 8 get married to 18 to 20 something year old men. And anyone that has sexual intercourse with prepubescent children is a pedophile.
And about molestations, they absoulutly do happen in Ethiopia it was just not talked about, things are changing now though. If you go to radio Fana’s website and listen to anonymous callers you will hear all kind of sad stories. I think I even once heard a girl who was pregnant call in and ask how she can get an abortion because the child she is carrying was a result of incest. She said she was molested by her father. The West didn’t create pedophilia, they just openly talk about their problems.
mamitu
I understand pedophilia / inscest takes place in Ethiopia too .But not to a degree that you can’t let your kids 100 feet off your sight .I was talking about the magnitude of the problem.Any one with kids would know what goes through a parents’ mind in that excrutiating moment kids are not within eyesight in the mall or someplace else.
things are heating up again…lol
watch this video- a funny twist to the marriage topic
http://www.diretube.com/ethiopian-comedy/blind-date-wedding-comedy-video_b3bd0dbf0.html
@ anonx:
Actually, Im asking you to take baby steps – just come out of the shadows into the light – post using your real identity. Instead of complaining about how secretive the habesha community is by hiding in the cyber forest. Im simply suggesting one should not contribute/add to the problem rather be part of the solution. Simple & clear concept – I thought…
Now as far as the rest of your diatribe, I mentioned nothing about a husband, Onewoman stated her bf was f’ing every1 under the sun including your mother (sorry Bernos for stooping this low) so I simply asked she get tested. The way you waved & planted the abuse flag out of nowhere, “I will suspect then you are” an abused child or your children are currently being torn apart at the seems. Perhaps you can tag along w/ your children to the clinic & get them all sown up… Hopefully, you are in the states where these kinda things can get resolved easily by therapy or skilled surgeons & if you are brave enough to step into the light, you can go on Oprah & claim victim-hood & make some $$. How does it feel to hijack a thread just for the sake of making some idiotic/egotistical mightier than thou argument? Again, sorry Bernos, for degrading the level of exchange like this. Bernos is usually a great forum where civility & common sense prevails.
PS My “secret” is, although never been abused, I relish the thought of abusing inferior 2nd-rate minds!
lol
annox
you got what you asked for and then some…
Your filthy froth only reconfirms my suspicion.
The pedophile thing was in response to Biskut, but with apology my second rate mind didn’t make that clear. All the same, now you seem to be a pedophile in the making, if already not.
Biskut: never crossed my mind that a mother could loose sight and find satisfaction in the garbage above.
I like the article…a nice one! I found many “quotable quotes” for example..”Undoubtedly the Ethiopian community is another animal in itself!” SBS
. where is live. they are ethiopian community .sorry i doent know what there im not anderstand .to this . your ,took .do you went chaleng .to them . you say .realy they are anther , animal. peoples . they are not cant creat to something . sorry . i doent dear my firend , what about speak to this .ethiopian . community .mein opject . please .tray agen . chaleng . write .say this this . it was they are to do made ronge .,so tray imbuteit. her your viows .cliear.
how ever .im not speak her present . to them
thank you
eldalc:
Welcome back!
.will stey . ..one day .we ll be site to gather . meit bay that affeir. you was sey menything .you wasent chaleng.to there ethiopian communitty . byt you never can imbuteit that meain .point ? so im not say.to you this that . speak to menything . because . i was say you tray agen clier.