Kissing & Telling 82 Comments

kiss-tell

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Ethiopian girls complain that their opposite counter parts do not keep their secrets. As in their confidence is betrayed alluding to sexual intimacy or amorous.

What do I know? I live my life very openly, and pretty much communicate most of my personal feeling to my friends. In my case, I like to think and believe that I live my life according to what I want not how I want my reputation to be.

In our community though, both males and female are somewhat enamored by making sure that the name is kept intact. Especially for females, they seem overly concerned about it that it affects how they deal with their male counterparts. Thus in turn the males are somewhat upset that they have to gain the females trust more so than if they had to deal with non-Ethiopian females.

I believe the whole phenomenon is overly exaggerated. Yes, I have male friends and they talk but I do not think they ‘kiss & tell’ per say. The talk is usually kept in the surface, yes I nailed her. We have had sex and it’s left at that.

I have never been a fan of chauvinist male bonding so I am somewhat out of the loop from men like that. Yet it happens, and it’s not especially more in our community. The fact is machismo exists in every commune.

I think living your life according to how you want your persona displayed in the community is somewhat limiting.

Who you are is not based by what people say rather by what you do? The fact is your experience play a role is who you are even if no one knows about it.

82 Responses to “Kissing & Telling”


  1. 1 melkemelkam

    Nolawi, I am a female, I am 29, I recently got married to an Ethiopian Man of my dreams.

    Sure I agree with you for the most part but what you fail to realize is that I wouldn’t have found the Ethiopian Man I wanted if I was slutting around in my own community.

    In my younger days, I played the field. Saw what is out there freely without cultural constrains. No one, not even my sister knows some of the things I have done. Now that its out of my system I can appreciate my man without any curiousity.

  2. 2 tpeaces

    that is such an adorable picture!!

    “I think living your life according to how you want your persona displayed in the community is somewhat limiting.”

    I TOTALLY agree with you like 200%!! and it’s just a sad reality that people have to adhere to such standards but like melkemelkam said…that’s how the society works and if u want specific outcomes for some things – you gotta act in a set way…I’m sure most of the girls who u’re referring to that ask to keep things ‘hush-hush’ would muchhh prefer that things were simple and they could just live their lives freely without worrying about alubalta…

  3. 3 mitmita

    If Ethiopian men weren’t so damn judgmental, we would not have to take care of our business behind close doors. We would love to be care free and do whatever we want like you Nolawi. Since we live in a tight-knit community, where everybody knows everybody and since our beloved men do their research before they marry us, what are we to do?

  4. 4 Nolawi

    lol mitmita… so u are worried about research lol?

    —–
    tpeaces wrote:

    I TOTALLY agree with you like 200%!!

    wow…

  5. 5 hewe

    Nols, this reminded me of something i read recently “how to decide how much to reveal about yourself” article in another blog…not the same as what you wrote but it touches the same topic of keeping things private etc etc…..It was amazing and sad at the same time when i read it

    http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2009/07/21/how-to-decide-how-much-to-tell-about-yourself-on-your-blog/

  6. 6 tpeaces

    hehehe

    yes i agree 200% with that quote …don’t act shocked ante! :)

  7. 7 Balbo

    Nice picture ….. kid at the far right corner display all that i want to say.

    I really don’t care as to what and whom you have done. My evaluation as to who I will be with is set by me, not you or what the community says about u. (let’s be frank past 25 you almost have done all things that need to be done). Yes, I or another men won’t be the first to ever …. plug in. If one has slept around then dose it really matter where/whom/when it was done?

    Now Nolawi please tell me where i can get “those orange slippers” kid is awesome.

    “the player, the confident girl, wore y miabza lg, kuru”

  8. 8 tsedey

    hewe, very intersting blog- thanks for sharing.

  9. 9 Wudnesh

    Nice one Nol!

    For most part, our culture favors those who keep their comings and goings hushed. Many people I know would call Melkemelkam ‘Gobez set’, ‘smart’ etc. And I am glad you(Melkemelkam) married a man of your dreams.
    But, I have a question for you. Did he marry a woman of his dreams? Because if you PLAYED to his desire, I may be wrong but, I think he married a ‘make-believe’…

    NOW, A woman who hasn’t been with anyone else before (or at least has not been as ‘out and about’ ) is not going to act the same way toward him as you would when married. I believe that whether one likes it or not, one is likely to compare(oof, the blight of knowing more than one!) without even thinking about it.

    I agree with Nol “The fact is your experience play a role in who you are even if no one knows about it.”
    Exactly my point!

    If one thinks your past is the same as your future, he shouldn’t be part of your future. No need to pretend…nor to kiss and tell…if he is that interested, he should make it his business to get to know you. As for the ‘weRe’ while you date, in the process of finding THE one, it’s just that -WeRre! YOU and the one who’s meant to be yours know the real you. The rest are just extras.
    My opinion? I don’t want to waste my days playing somebody else. I love myself so much that I want to be myself every day ;)

  10. 10 Sarah

    Wudnesh….Well said………totally

  11. 11 biskut

    “The fact is your experience play a role is who you are even if no one knows about it.”

    I like this .

  12. 12 Winta

    Gabi lebso be mata megbat and gabi lebso be nigat mewtat. Trust me it works. LOL.

  13. 13 Meskereme

    Nice article!

    I guess we are so much worried about loosing our potential husband and dishonor our families if we behave or act in a certain ways away from the norm. We females are expected to display a form of behavior which are within the norms such as being a Virgin (in some cases), avoid been seen with a lot of male counter parts, someone who is not a go getter in terms of asking a man out and as such.

    I remember a guy who really fell in love with a girl whom he saw at some sort of function. He had his heart set on her to ask her for a marriage. She too agreed. But his family was like we have heard and seen this girl with couple of men doing God Knows what. This guy is a wishy-washy who can’t make up his mind, nor was he a firm decision maker on what he wants, rather he cancelled the marriage despite the bad reputation he heard about the girl. This girl never married an Ethiopian dude because of her reputation in the society. If I am not wrong I heard recently that she married a non-Ethiopian guy.

    Thus, I am very caution about my action and what I do in the society I live. I feel like I am myself when I am with a non-Ethiopian for the simple fact that rumors won’t spread, so that it won’t ruin my future life including my parents’.

  14. 14 hewe

    Endee, so you act any way you want to because someone is non abesha verses w/ abesha?? i think it’s good to be cautious about your actions IN LIFE because you rip what you saw in life not because you want to marry an Abesha guy….you should want to marry someone you’re in love with and that you can work with and that you can grow with. I hope someone loves you for who you are and for the best you bring out of that person……when ppl are too worried about your past that they forget to learn you and see you now, i think it’s a sign of insecurity. A secure man will reach for your heart by knowing you now and hopefully makes you forget the past…I thought marriage was building something together, so hopefully he knows exactly what you are made of- not in a judgment sense but to make sure that the two of you can be one and bring certain things to be one….ne-ways all the other things are extra in my mind.

  15. 15 Meskereme

    True you should marry someone you love.thats what am going after, but he has to be an Ethiopian for the simple fact that I have to respect the peopel who raised me.

  16. 16 Mamitu

    I think maybe the kids that are born and raised outside of Ethiopia will not be that worried about the norms of Ethiopian Society. But we have to remember that not long ago (25-35) years ago the groom’s best men came for the “Yemisirach” to the bride’s house with the evidence of the girls purity. There is even a song

    Esti AmTaw yedemun shash,
    Esti AmTaw yedemun shash,
    Ahaa ha yedemun shash….

  17. 17 hewe

    Meskereme wrote:

    True you should marry someone you love.thats what am going after, but he has to be an Ethiopian for the simple fact that I have to respect the peopel who raised me.

    Are you serious?? so if you marry a non abesha that means you’re not respecting the ppl who raised you??? okay I will stop but the reasoning should be a little different. Maybe like it’ll be easier, my preference etc etc than sayin it’s based on respect for family type. Of course this is my opinion.

    Mamitu wrote:

    the groom’s best men came for the “Yemisirach” to the bride’s house with the evidence of the girls purity. There is even a song
    Esti AmTaw yedemun shash,
    Esti AmTaw yedemun shash,
    Ahaa ha yedemun shash….

    weynee mamitu betaam BETAM yemezegenen neger new yastaweshen….that’s the same as ‘ber ambar seberelewo’ right?? that’s just sad.

  18. 18 Mamitu

    hewe,

    Yep, ‘ber ambar seberelewo’ is what the groom’s best men sing as they come in and the girl’s family answer’s back with the above song.

  19. 19 Mamitu

    hewe,

    And the girls family waits with a silver ring(waist band) baked in the center of a “Defo Dabo” in anticipation of the best men coming. And if the purity evidence doesn’t come in the father has the shameful duty of cutting out the center of the bread.

  20. 20 hewe

    wait wtf?? like ‘yedabo sem’?? i thought that was the night of the wedding at the groom’s house and what they put in the center was money and not silver ring??…..so 2 dabo neew yemegagerrew?? one at the brides’ house for the day after the wedding?? wow bezu yemalakachew baheloch alu.

  21. 21 Mamitu

    The dabo for ‘yedabo sem’ is baked at the groom’s house and as you said it is for the night of the wedding. The Purity dabo is baked at the bride’s house and is specifically for the Yemisirach.

    And I did not know that they put money in the ‘yedabo sem’ dabo. You learn something new every day.

  22. 22 tpeace

    some time in the past these rituals made sense and were very useful for the community and the people…yigermal

    also – hewe that’s a nice blog thanks for sharing

  23. 23 Dinich

    A while back someone I know was close to marrying this girl without telling her he already has a child from another girl that he used to date. When his close friend found out that he is not being honest with the girl he said to him…I ll give u 48 hrs to tell her yourself that you have a child. If u dont tell her in 48 hrs, I ll tell her.

    Long story short he told her himself…it took her sometime to adjust but she accepeted it. They r still together some 15 yeras later having their own children. To this day the guy cant thank his friend enough. He tells the story to everybody.

    My point? The best way to start a lasting relationship is to put everything on the table. And the best time to tell everything is at the beginning when things start to get serious. Otherwise sooner or later things will surface on thier own….

  24. 24 beshou

    kiss and tell, my friends.

    i would not want to marry someone who doesn’t know my past and whose past i don’t know. skeletons and all. my parents raised to be honest and always be truthful. sew yayegnal, sew min yilegnal yemibal chewata doesn’t exist in my blood. thank ya very much.

  25. 25 Wurgatu

    beshou wrote:

    i would not want to marry someone who doesn’t know my past and whose past i don’t know.

    Beshou kemir tadilesh!!!

  26. 26 o-o

    @ mitmita:
    Dont fool around, duhh…. I dont understand why anyone would fool around and then want someone decent?

  27. 27 Engeda

    I’m usually a ‘lurker’ around here but couldn’t help but comment on a coule of things,

    “I believe the whole phenomenon is overly exaggerated. Yes, I have male friends and they talk but I do not think they ‘kiss & tell’ per say. The talk is usually kept in the surface, yes I nailed her. We have had sex and it’s left at that.”

    This paragraph hurts my brain, maybe I’m missing something so if someone could clarify. Isn’t the (dare I say textbook) definition of ‘kiss and tell’ to tell you’ve nailed and had sex with someone????

    “True you should marry someone you love.thats what am going after, but he has to be an Ethiopian for the simple fact that I have to respect the peopel who raised me.”

    You should definitely re-evaluate your definition of respecting your parents. I’m just going to requote the begining of your sentence “TRUE YOU SHOULD MARRY SOMEONE YOU LOVE.” Your family should be able to respect you nomatter who you love.

  28. 28 mitmita

    hmmmmm well lets just say girls like to have fun as much as guys, obviousley you gotta be smart and not catch any nasty disease protect yourself and play smart; put on the innocent look it works trust me. I dont see why theres one rule for a man and one rule for a woman. If a girl hasnt had no fun in her youth I tell you she will cheat in marriage which ones worse hmm I rest my case so keep it in the closet as MJ says!

  29. 29 Dinich

    mimtmita,

    lol…it is actually the opposite…..whatever premarital sexual habits you develop will follow you into your marriage. Cheating boyfriends are prone to being cheating husbands. Cheating girfriends are prone to being cheating wives. Once a player, player for life.

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