My Zone 65 Comments

f-zone

I have perused the Bernos blog and enjoyed reading most thoughts on a variety of different topics.  As a single young woman, though, I of course have been drawn to the dating & relationships related pieces.

This led me to find Nolawi & Wondata’s pieces on the F-zone – essentially guys who are in like/lust/love with a woman who only wants to be friends.  Both submissions generated much discussion much of which puts the woman at fault for the scenario.

I agree there are certain things women sometimes do to exacerbate the situation.  The dating scene can be contentious and confusing at times, and as a woman you walk a delicate line between being ‘too nice’and leading someone on versus being direct which often times gets interpreted as being “a bitch.

To the women out there I will say — if you know what you want or don’t want for everyone’s sake, please be honest and direct without insulting.

Be aware that no matter how ‘nice’ you are sometimes the guy is just going to take things the wrong way, and its just something he is going to have to work through.  In the end you are doing him a favor if you are honest from the moment you know how you truly feel.  No, my question is:

What is a woman to do when she has done all she can to let a guy know he will not pass out of the F-zone but he remains persistent?”

Two years ago I moved back to a city where I have many friends.  I had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship 8 months prior and had not really dated since.  One particular friend, in an attempt to be helpful, introduced me to her cousin who had just moved to the same city.  He was new to the area and quickly became a regular among our group. 

In the beginning I wanted to be open to the idea of dating and thus made an effort to get to know him.  We never actually dated, but we hung out and occasionally talked on the phone.  He made it clear that he was interested but I quickly realized I was still not over the ex.

So, this guy got the in person “you are great but I am not ready for a relationship” talk.  We left the door open for a possibility of something in the future but the bottom line message was “don’t call me, I’ll call you” – He just entered the F-Zone.

Over the past two years I got over the ex, began dating again, and continued to stay friends with this guy but we never actually dated.  As I got to know him in this time, I realized that I was not interested in dating him…what so ever.  He is an entertaining friend but I am not physically or romantically attracted to him.  Not only that, we have some fundamental differences in views and would drive each other mad were we to date.

For most of the two years this did not matter, though, because we put the dating idea on the back burner.  Then about 6 months ago he asked if there was a chance for us.  We had another discussion and this time I laid it down.  You are a cool friend, I respect you as a person, but I need to be attracted both physically and emotionally to someone to date him and despite the time we have gotten to know one another these feelings have never developed towards you.

I hope you understand and I hope we can be friends but I understand if you need to pull away. His response?  I understand, but know how I feel and if you ever change your mind I am here and I will “always” be in love with you.

He then proceeds to stay in close contact – I should add one way contact (texts, voicemails, etc.) where he continues to profess his love.  He sometimes disappears for a week or more but resurfaces strong with the same messages.  I reiterate the message that I’m “just not that into” him but to no avail.  He even thanks me for my frankness but does not change his behavior.

What is a girl to do?

65 Responses to “My Zone”


  1. 1 ep

    4 years and 8 months — with Ex
    2 years — to get over it
    2 years —- F-zone
    6 months — if there is a chance..

    I think relationship is beautiful at the young age and when things are not complicated…..

  2. 2 Nolawi

    besaq ep

    btw arif post.. on the f -zone from a females perspective…

    gin you know…females here would agree on once you make it clear honestly everything else is his choice…

    but honestly love is not a choice.. as in the statement “we don’t choose who we love” and if he had an easy choice he probably would have stayed away after the first time he was told no…

    so some part of the females responsibility atleast in the above situation for humanity sake is to make getting over herself easier by avoiding him

    is that really too much to ask… ?

    ————

    in any case the f-zone articles i think touch on a slightly different subject… refering to females that intentionally make things unclear just so that they receive attention or money or something else

    so atleast in the case Kok.. my verdict author to author..

    you are not guilty!

    case closed!

  3. 3 tsedey

    “What is a girl to do?”

    stay persistent! First of I like people who are direct and know what they want and communicate that frankly. I give you props for that. So, if you have no physical/emotional attraction towards this guy, then you’re not that in to him. Nothing wrong with that. dude has to move on.

    as long as you are consistent and frank about your feelings, which i htink you are, you did what u can.

    i’ve been in that situation before and that’s exactly what i did. fortunately the dude was not as persistent as this one.

  4. 4 hewe

    Kok, what is the meaning of the picture? Is that you?

    BTW do what you’re doing-you can’t help change his behavior…but doesn’t it get annoying to have him around while he whines??

  5. 5 Meskereme

    I feel like you are writing my life. I have approached guys whom I like and confessed my attarction and how I felt. However, my love was not returned the way I expected it to be. The more avaialble we are the more they detest our being and being with us.

    On the other hand we have this friends whom we call good friends who dont seem to differentiate the boundaries between being friends and more than friend. The good thing u did on your side is letting him know how you feel about him. It is his problem to either get over you or wait for you.

    on the other case a guy can be on your throat till you say yes. But mostly its not love its more of trying to have a control and show power.I appologize if I offend any readers, I find most ethiopian men according to my own personal experience, they tend to be a control freak…when you say no they just dont understand the word. They get offended by your rejection.So they might hunt you through phone, txt, voicemail even they might stalk you till you say yes.

    My advice be with someone you want be and are attracted to do. Men will come and go. there is also a saying there many fishes in the sea. your time will come when you find the right person. Till then be patient with men.

  6. 6 Kok

    Ep: Hilarious. Thing is, he and I both are in early 30s (now). Does that still count as “young love?”

    Nolawi: Glad you like. The avoidance you mention is happening (don’t take calls, see him only if we both happen to be at group gatherings, etc.) I refuse to leave my group of friends for this situation, though. He’s a grown man and needs to take some responsibility at some point. Btw, thanks for the “not guilty” i needed to hear that explicitly.

    Tsedey: So, I have this really nice friend. Would you like to meet him? ;)

    Hewe: The pic is provided by bernos but I think it presents the situation well…I’ve worn that look on my face plenty. (It’s the “ok, how do I nicely extract myself from this situation?” look.) As for having him around – he’s really cool and I enjoy hanging out when he is just himself. It’s just too bad this other stuff surfaces now and again.

  7. 7 Kok

    Meskereme: What can the guys who return your affection do to ease the situation? One problem I see is that both guys and girls wait WAY too long to share how they feel to avoid hurting someone. In the end it only leaves more time for the person to get more attached and thus they get more hurt in the end. As a psychologist I can describe why this is problematic by citing some random psych study but I will spare you all the details on that…

  8. 8 Hidaya

    Hello Kok, I commiserate..

    “What is a girl to do?”

    Well you tried the direct honest way it didnt work, maybe it is time to try the hard way, if and when you’re dating someone introduce him to your date. It might make him more accepting. I know it is mean but the nice way didnt work lol. Good luck..

  9. 9 rahewa

    Very funny choice in picture! I like the illustrative way it tells the story.

    I am a girl, and this has never happened to me. Call me mean or not that attractive but once I tell a guy I am not interested they have never pushed more than 1 or 2 times after.

    I with Nolawi on this one. I think the girl has some responsibility to spare the man some emotional heartache.

    Only because if the situation is turned and a woman is obsessed with a man that is unattainable for whatever reasons, we as woman would demand that he not use her for sex or in any other way emotionally.

    He has responsibility to spare herself from herself because he is not interested.

  10. 10 Dinich

    Kok,

    Not trying to speak to ur situation but generally speaking what girls say in action in a variety of ways has more power than what they say in words. The truth is girls a lot of times say no at first even when they are interested….not all but a lot. That forces the men to try and read the mind and the signals….Some men are good at reading the signals and some are good at misreading them….

    Coming back to your case I think putting the dating option on the backburner for two years is not fair….especially, judging from what u said about how sometimes he disappears for a week, it looks like u guys normally talk more than once a week and that is a pretty close friendship…..the clear no should have come a little earlier than that….The whole point is that now u have made it hard for the guy to get over u….:)

  11. 11 Sarah

    I always I said keep friends around………..feker melamed new alu at some point attraction don’t mean nothing the older you get the less you gonna care about the physical attraction ……… the wise women once said marry some one that loves you more than you love him …….keep friends around for the rainy day

  12. 12 Tobian

    Look, he’s emotionally entangled, or obsessed, or whatever. He’s unlikely to make a sensible decision. So you make one for him : excommunicate him for a specified period period of time.

    Explain that from your perspective your current interactions are not beneficial to either of you, and that you both need to sit back and take a second look.

    If you’ve to see him in social settings with mutual friends, then cut out all the extra phone calls, texting, emailing etc.

    After six months or so, check if u want to reconnect. Chances are your friendship will be somewhat tarnished, but he’ll hopefully have moved on (or you’ll find that you miss him, LOL).

    He may even resent you or your idea now, but years from now, he’ll likely agree.

  13. 13 Nolawi

    @ Sarah:
    you are being selfish…

    woman like you are the ones that good men never trust any woman… they have been burned by your selfishness….

  14. 14 Tobian

    Oh wait, by this I assumed you’ve already tried your best to cut down communication without having to request for it. If not, obviously, that should be the first attempt.

  15. 15 Kok

    Dinich: you’re right about *some* girls saying no when they mean maybe/yes. I think all girls do this at times and especially our women do this. This is partly culture (when i go to someone traditional’s house and they offer food first answer is usually no & i know to say i’m full before i am because of the back and forth that’s about to ensue…)

    As for putting dating option on back burner – it wasn’t entirely me. He dated other women in that time and was awol for months at a time. I didn’t bring things up earlier because I thought he’d moved on. Usually we hang out about once a month (as a group) and stay in phone/text contact on a couple times a wk. basis. More recently we don’t really talk or text b/c I wasn’t responding to him.

    Sarah: ouch…not sure what to say about that.

    Tobian: Noted. It still feels weird to say “i’m cutting you out of my life because you don’t know how to protect yourself.” Although – I’ve given that advice to others…So, yes, noted indeed.

  16. 16 tsedey

    Kok wrote:

    Tsedey: So, I have this really nice friend. Would you like to meet him?

    kok, i would have taken the offer if it were 10 years ago ;)

    am flattered tho. :)

  17. 17 Nubia

    I feel like there is a double standard when it comes to dating; what men can do women can’t. On your situation Kok you did the right thing by speaking your heart however it would be difficult for your guy friend to drop his feelings because you said no. His attraction to you took time to build up therefore, at least in my opinion, it would take time for him to get over you. Time heals everything so be patient and persistent but give him time. I also think you two should reserve the friendship, now a days its difficult to build friendship especially if you have crossed the 30s bridge (believe me).

  18. 18 anonx

    Deep inside I think you are happy that you are getting a lot of attention although repeatly from one guy. And I can understand if you want to diversify the source of attention

  19. 19 Bartender

    I say completely cut off the friendship. Speaking from experience. He might be pretending to be your friend and ok with the rejection, but deep inside he might be resenting you and one day, out of the blue it will all blow in your face. I learned that the hard way, to the point I had to alert other people, scan my surroundings and even entertained the idea of involving law enforcment. Always always always go with your gut and especially if you have uneasy feelings when around him trust it even if you don’t have any proof for your feeling; sever all kinds of communications even if it makes you a “bi**ch”; that was lesson numero uno for me. You might be seceretly flattered by the attention you are getting and don’t see no harm in it but really you do not know his psyche and where his obsession will lead him. It is called obsession not love when a person doesn’t take no for an answer, he has no respect for your decision/decision making ability.

  20. 20 datdude

    @ anonx:
    damn, I didn’t think of that angle but it sorta makes sense. this explains why she’s letting dude hang around.

    @ Hidaya:
    lol, its funny this girl made a point of introducing me to her BF. I wonder if its because she “thought” I was pursuing her? Now i’m curious, cos I wansn’t, in fact she used to call me more than I did. I actually thought she had the hots for me and I wasn’t feelin her that way. Your advise is straight gangsta though, it definitely gets the message across.

    I follow andre’s famous line ” i love you, only if you love me too” lol

  21. 21 endalc

    hi nolawi . realy u are good .torator.laterce . give to them al your friends .where are you what about you
    how is it .if you have get .free time please tray write a few page .later .jest yourpackgraund. hestory .somethieng . unqe .thiengs i love you deep
    reay

  22. 22 Weregna Lij

    Give the guy his credit at least his views and actions are consistent.I’m sure he wants to be in it for a good reason!

  23. 23 Wurgatu

    Bartender,I concur 100000%with what u said!
    afe kurit yibelilish abo…let him SUICIDE kefelege…the world can do with out such a person…if the game reached to the level of atfito metfat, then the question will be esu yitfa or me?…why don’t u take that decision first? before it all went wrong….”sayikatel bekitel” biloal yagere sewu…

  24. 24 KokLover

    WHY are you embarrassing me be’adebabay la’y? Wo’y gud. You know you are like crack, one look @ you & I was hooked for life. ha ha…

    K back to reality…

    “I need to be attracted both physically and EMOTIONALLY to someone to date him…”??? I miss where emotional attraction come into play when it comes to dating but then again my def of “dating” greatly differs w/ the habesha version…

    What is a girl to do? Simple – STAY AWAY! If that fails file a restraining/protective order.

    Now my opinion is that you are an insecure girl who hangs out w/ someone for 2-3 yrs b/c he is entertaining and is afraid to tell him off b/c apparently you will “loose your group”??? Is he the leader of the posse or something? If they are true friends they should actually be on your side on this.

    As for the dude, I think he either has no confidence or is just trying to hit it as he plays the field. Just keeping you “in play” while he is doing his thing. But 3 yrs is just ridiculous.

    BTW am I the only one who find it ironic that a psychologist is asking us for advice?

  25. 25 Jkhan

    I’m sorry you never had to experience a real habesha men unlike the boys that you mentioned in your note. Look around we’re everywhere

  26. 26 Hidaya

    @Datdude….

    You thought she had the hots for you, she thought you had the hots for her..was any of this merry go round actually discussed openly so everyone knew who had the hots for whom and who didnt or which one sided way it actually was? ……not sure where her BF comes into it as well if it seemed she had the hots for you, what else: the meeting of the two of you it might have been the natural conclusion of all those cross wires,..sorry datdude couldnt resist lol…

    “Your advise is straight gangsta though, it definitely gets the message across”…

    Straight gangsta me? lol oooh, I have got an amusing image of me in my own head now, it is me but it is not me ahaha ,…I wouldnt do it in a way that hurts or humiliates though ,I just be a bit matter of fact about it, if words would not get the message across maybe it is time for a visual message, then, arrange for a planned or an an “accidental” bumping on the unrequited love offerer when with date or BF and any reasonable person will get the message, stalkers dont but they are a different breed…

    Does the Andre line work always?…I think it can only work properly if one thinks they can predict and control love…what do you say datdude Is I even a little right? :)

  27. 27 datdude

    @ Hidaya:
    well I know I thought she did, but who knows what she was thinking….I’m sure I mentioned that I wasn’t lookin for a relationship but who knows which signs she was reading like that song “your lips say no, but your body says yes” lool wait is that a song or a pickup line???? I sorta felt a tinge of jealousy later though, lol I said tinge :)

    Hidaya, yes that was straight gangsta. In general you need that in your relationship repertoire, that ability to effectively flush out unnecessary attachments with the precision usually found in German engineering lol Even if its “accidental” bumping in, it must be executed boldly with a firm will.

    “Does the Andre line work always?…I think it can only work properly if one thinks they can predict and control love” Oh yes it does mate, it must, it should. I never understood how one can pine after someone who is clearly not interested, sure it may last a short time but some do it for years, even lifetimes yikes… Personally, love (in a relationship context) has to be mutual, that is all andre is saying. I usually don’t take advise from Atlanta rappers too seriously, but this one is a keeper. lol

  28. 28 maebel

    KOK, really nice article!

    I see some confusion on your side just like every woman. To begin with, the poor guy were qualified “you are great but I am not ready for a relationship” talk….at that time you were not really sure…so what you did is, you left the door open for a possibility of something in the future…..So, you call this F-Zone. you keep him on hold for two years and you call this F-Zone? You just opened the door for any possibilities till you recover from your past relationship while at the same time he is there to sooth your lust to be loved and your ex is not the only one to do that for you. Does that sound alright to you? Don’t you think that it would have been fair to literally tell him that you just want him as a friend from the outset?

  29. 29 Nolawi

    KokLover wrote:

    BTW am I the only one who find it ironic that a psychologist is asking us for advice?

    I do not think she was asking for advice as opposed to sharing with us her story…

    she already has done what she thinks is right… and the point of the post was to counter from a females perspective.. on wondata & mine article… if you read the first paragraph u may understand it

  30. 30 Meskereme

    @ Kok

    I am at the verge of thinking twice of dating a girl…lol….Joke aside

    I really do not know how to read men , I have heard so many times that men are the simplest creature…but how so?

    I have been either kept in the F-zone as you mentioned or either threw into the trash simply because I expressed how I felt about them (men). It is said “men love the thrill to chase”…but I am really tired of trying to be chased…so in many case I tell them or hint them that I like them…but the next step is they either give me a mean look, they delete me from their contact [once when I called, I was asked ...who is this? :( ], told many times they are busy infact they have time to contact my friends, disrespected in a way that several times my exs was messing with someone I am close with infront of me.

    Inshort…I am sick of men ..sending me all this mixed signal…and not respecting me in a way i should be…and not being cooperative in returning my affection..even though they are not forced to

  31. 31 KokLover

    Well Mr. Bernos – on the 1st paragraph (which I read), Ms. tha’ng is “perus[ing]” Bernos. I presume she meant pursue??? Still not sure how one pursues a blog. Perhaps she is chasing you around DC? At any rate, here is her own Q:

    “No, my question is:

    What is a woman to do when she has done all she can to let a guy know he will not pass out of the F-zone but he remains persistent?”

    That was the irony for me. Maybe not for other. Still, I think she had the chance to squash this “chase” right away if she really wanted to.

    P.S. If this is the “females perspective”, they need better representation, I say!

  32. 32 KokLover

    pe·ruse (p-rz)
    tr.v. pe·rused, pe·rus·ing, pe·rus·es
    To read or examine, typically with great care.

    I stand corrected! Odd way to write but I just educated myself on a word. You can stop running she is not chasing you ;) Still disagree w/ her handling of the situation though…

  33. 33 hewe

    @ Meskereme:
    Meskerem why would you keep putting yourself out if you don’t know if someone is interested in you or better yet compatable with you? You need to know the person first to even see if the two of you have similar interests, backgrounds, values etc…. right? So if you are spending enough time at the beginning by just hangin’ out and getting to know the person, then you will clearly have an idea where the two of you stand……anyways, that’s my personal opinion…and if someone is truly your friend, they will have your back, so consider the fact that they cut you off a favor that they’re doing you (kinda cuttin the toxic out to make room for good things)….i’m sure the one for you will come (lanchi yalew injera besbeso yeshagetal enji abaresh atebeyewem)….just work on you in the mean time.

  34. 34 Hewe

    Hewe,

    I have to correct you:

    Lanchi yalew enjera dirqosh hono firfir tseribetalesh enji aberash atbelawim….is what u wanna say…:)

  35. 35 Dinich

    H@ Hewe:

    Sorry…i put ur name in the name field instead of mine…I meant to address it to u.

  36. 36 Meskereme

    @hewe

    Thanks for the advice!

    The thing is- initially I am not the one who spots them or start a convo rather it is them who spots me out of the crowd. I have an ego issue so I do not give in that easily in the beginning that is. I guess that’s what they liked about me (the thrill to chase) rather than the real me. The fact is that I am not available in the beginning. As time progress, the more I spend time with them the more my feelings towards them develop. Most of my ex boyfriends or dates tell me they adore me and kind of give me a hint that they want me and that they also see me in their future. That’s when I give in and confess my affection. That’s when the whole disaster comes in to fall and I feel as thought my life has come to a halt in terms of keeping a guy in my life.
    feel as thought my life has come to a hault.

  37. 37 tsedey

    thank you Dinich, it didnt’ feel right when i read it tho i didn’t know the correct saying. now it makes sense :)

  38. 38 Meskereme

    edited…

    @hewe

    Thanks for the advice!

    The thing is- initially I am not the one who spots them or start a convo rather it is them who spots me out of the crowd. I have an ego issue so I do not give in that easily in the beginning that is. I guess that’s what they liked about me (the thrill to chase) rather than the real me. The fact is that I am not available in the beginning. As time progress, the more I spend time with them the more my feelings towards them develop.

    Most of my ex boyfriends or dates tell me they adore me and kind of give me a hint that they want me and that they also see me in their future. That’s when I give in and confess my affection. That’s when the whole disaster comes in to fall and I feel as thought my life has come to a halt i.e.in terms of trying to keep a man in my life.

  39. 39 Tobian

    KokLover,

    Taking of perusing, it seems you need to do some. Kok said the guy was off dating other girls after she’d told him she wasn’t ready for a relationshiop. It’s not like she kept him around begging and fretting all this time. During this time she came to realize the two of them are incompatible. Seems valid to me. Inkuan lerase, on occasion I’ve told friends/family whose behaviors I deemed unacceptable (how they treat their SO, approach conflicts, rejections, etc.) that I’d never recommend them to other friends.

    As for people who make excuses for ligmegna behavior like, ‘yehabesha setoch silemenu yiewdalu’, I say nonsense. Next are we going to have pple citing that some traditional marriages have also worked out after abduction? Gud iko new.

    Let’s say for that one ‘rare’ case where the woman means to say no by saying, surprise, ‘no’, a wanna-be-persistent man should realize that he’s coming across at the highest possible level as creepy, irresponsible, inconsiderate, childish … to put it kindly, basically, an ass. The primary reason such people should be treated with kindness is b/c they’re creepy, and you never know if they’ll shoot or stab you if u told them to f-off uncermoniously.

  40. 40 hewe

    SBS Dinich@ Dinich:
    so i’m gonna have dirkosh firfir….VERY NICE btw I like that sayin betta!! Sema-ema what about lanchi yaleew wetet ergo hono yebelal enji aykometetem (i really came up w/ that one)

    @ Meskereme:
    NO MORE confessions Meskeremesha!! Geen i don’t know dude, I think you should chill for a bit if everyone seems the same way and work on personal things….andande chegeru could be from us as opposed to from the men that we can’t figure out. Plus you could be attracting the same kinda people for whatever reason.

  41. 41 Meskereme

    @hewe

    “Plus you could be attracting the same kinda people for whatever reason.”

    I think so too

  42. 42 Dinich

    lol Hewe….the ergo works too…now u becomnig an expert…thanks to me….:)

  43. 43 KokLover

    @Tobian – “Taking of perusing”??? Taking? You 2… wow who the F writes/talks like that? I mean we all can try to “impress” w/ big words y a know? Anyways, what is all this nonsense about saying NO? Are you advocating, she KEPT going out w/ him & replying b/c he was creepy & was afraid to actually say NO? You know we have laws for these type of situations. I just don’t get the overemphasis on this NO. Thanks for “No mean No campaign” plug though.

    “It’s not like she kept him around begging and fretting ALL this time.”

    True, she only kept the communication channel open for 3 yrs SOME of the time. Come on girl. Get real… Other than that we both have limited info on what exactly took place so lets try not to make too much of a leap based on assumptions. Sisterhood be damned. Other than that, what is valid to you apparently is not valid to me. Chalk the dichotomy up to man-woman, mars-venus, dabo-dula etc… (the usual suspects).

    Submitted for your asinine PERUSAL!

  44. 44 Hidaya

    @ Datdude….

    “I sorta felt a tinge of jealousy later though, lol I said tinge” …

    .Aha dudey ,I was wondering if your girl wanted one of you guys jealous or maybe both of you who knows? since it was all about lingering looks and vague signals, wires got crossed as they have inevitably lol, or maybe she was pleading for you with her eyes to free her from the BF for good maybe she wanted you both for a time,lol or maybe she wanted a little respite from BF maybe’s, maybe’s,..oh, I run out of maybes :)

    I agree to a degree about the pining …if someone rejects you outright then it is foolish and wasteful to pine after them since they never wanted you in the first place, especially after they inform you that there is no chance what is there to pine for? uhhm, unless they were pining for their dead lover …but that is ok because it will give them an air of romantic tragedy around them which might add to their charm and would even make them eandearing unlike the ones who have a sense of entitlement and cant take rejection..the piners with dead lovers are the only piners worth tolerating even if it takes them ages to move on from it lol..then, there are some who lose what they might consider their true love for whatever reasons at some point in their lives…

    I used to know this one guy,..I know his family pretty really well..he has a wife he loves and children and he is happy as far as anyone can tell, but one day he said something that shocked me…he said though he is happy with his wife and family he is still in love with some other woman from his past, when I got over the shock I asked him what about his wife? didn’t she mind?..he said his wife knew he loved her, but that she was not the love of his life…I felt really bad for the wife knowing she is second best in his life and has no other choice but to accept it, I thought it was cruel that she knew about it and maybe a little callous of the husband to actually let her know…I personally thought I wouldn’t have the stomach to endure it and would have taken the difficult choice and walk out with kids in tow to someone who could love me wholly instead of living half a life where my husband loves someone else….

    “Personally, love (in a relationship context) has to be mutual, that is all andre is saying. I usually don’t take advise from Atlanta rappers too seriously, but this one is a keeper. lol”..

    I agree, love has to be mutual in a relationship of equals, but me suspect that even when love is mutual it is rarely equal even between or amongst equals, but I know he is not saying that lol and i know I may be a cynic here and believe that a little:)btw I love Andre , he is versatile in his talents and dapper…gonna come back later in the other thread, …for now dudey have a lovely day…

  45. 45 Kok

    @ Anonyx: most people don’t mind attention but we each are looking for a specific kind. You know what feels nice/flattering/etc. and what doesn’t. When it’s the wrong kind it only adds stress and anxiety.

    @Bartender: You are verbalizing my fear. Advice noted.

    @ Werenga Lij: You are so right. He deserves the same love and affection he is offering. The longer he stays caught up in these feelings the longer he is missing out on getting what he truly deserves – something I can’t give him.

    @Maebel: Once he entered F-Zone he vanished for a while (months at a time), he dated others, and didn’t mention his feelings. I thought he was having the same experience as me (realizing we would not be a good match) and thus not mentioning everything. Therefore I didn’t think to bring it up. For the record, he never had the role of “[soothing my] lust to be loved…” (reference my reply to Anonyx above)

    Nolawi: Thanks for clarifying. Exactly – this was to show that women don’t always force a guy to stay in an F-Zone (even if they put him there.) Sometimes guys can’t be removed even after you tell them your true feelings.

    Meskereme: From an old Lesbian college friend of mine, women are just as confusing as men so “flipping” to the otherside won’t make things easier. :) Hang in there and remember, you only need one that fits and clicks with you. Lesson at church on Sunday: We gotta be patient and not settle for less (easier said than done, right?)

    Tobian: Amen! Thanks!!

  46. 46 Bez

    Hidaya, whattttttttttttt sup, it has been way too long haha, I had to go away for a while, we are collegues now (well Im still a squire lol). How you been? I couldnt find our thread so I had to hit you up on here and see how my pal from the past is doin lol.

  47. 47 Hidaya

    Ah Bezzie Bez the last musketeer is back :) …welcome welcome back mate,….how are you ?or shall I call you squire now? lol…still pursuing the law then?, how are you finding it? do you like it? have you got bored yet or lost some of your marbles becuase of it? if you ahvent dont worry it is coming lol I hope you are liking your course and, whatever you do, do not start wishing you had gone for Playwright and theatre studies right in the middle of it:)… Bezzie Bez it was nice to see you after such a long time:) until we next meet, nighty night and dont dissapear, or lose your marbles to the Law lol….

  48. 48 Bez

    haha yes he is back, I dont know for how long though. Im good you can call me wuteva you want since right about now I feel like a lamb in a lion’s den lol. Its been great so far but its kind of like a love and hate relationship lol (now I know what they mean when they say its a thin line between love and hate). At the end of the day though, I love it and there is nothing else I rather be doing (so far anyways). Im even getting used to dreaming about cases or even wakin up in the middle of the night and having an ephiphany blurting out the answer to a question asked in class lol. But yea its great. Infact there are some questions I would like to ask you but I do not want to say in public (even questions down the road in regards to school). Plus last time we hijacked a thread it went on for months lol..anyways if you can email me real quick to this email account I hardly use (fineniggab@yahoo.com) and i will give you my real email account it be great.

    Squire Bez lol

  49. 49 tpeaces

    i like the pic

  50. 50 haymanot

    I’ve never been in this particular situation but I can imagine how you feel–knowing that the feeling is not mutual and may never be–at times pitying his effort. From what I’ve learned about Habesha men, they don’t give-up easily and they won’t until they get a clear and definite signal.

    I learned this at the recent ESFNA soccer tournament in Chicago when a stranger approached me. I don’t really like situations like this because I never know what to say and I’m not much of a flirt. Anyway this guy was relentless and really kind of annoying. It took him three “No’s” to get the message and mind you this was after I tried to put some distance between us, and by this I mean I had to walk around a rack of hats and scarves lol

    I’m sure your friend has gotten the message but perhaps he hasn’t interpreted the message properly. I think you should be more assertive while being gentle of course (if possible). Or maybe he just needs a visual because most men are visual learners after all(another man on your arm perhaps?)

  51. 51 Nolawi

    @ haymanot:

    its sucks I know… but its not the guys fault only.. they have learned to be pressitant only because the girls do not like to say no right away… its in our culture to megderder

    if a guys takes the first no.. then he will always be single kind off..

    that or play games…

  52. 52 Bez

    lol that is a very uncomfortable situation. As a guy, I am pretty sure he is thinking if I keep at it she would give in, especially since you gave him an opening at the beginning (and sometimes people do give in after many years of saying no). And you add the fact that it is human nature to want to have what you cant have, the more you turn him down the more he is going to want you. that man is sprung, he probably dont even remember why he likes you anymore. lol. You have said what you can say I think. I think now you are going to have to be the bad person in this (atleast it will seem like it). I have been in your situtation a few times and I have found out the best thing to do is tell them you are cutting all means of communication for yall friendship sake, until the time comes he has moved on OR atleast he can keep these uncomfortable statments to himself lol. I felt like a terrible man for doing that but i figured everytime I said anything to that person, they started seeing it as a hope of us getting back together. After I cut them off, it was hard at first but it helped them get over the situation and now they dating other people. I am even friends with some of these women now.

    I know if I was on the other side of this predicament, I will hate the fact you would cut me off like that but thats life lol. Its better to go cold turkey and get over it than be on this emotional roller coster he is on.

    TELL HIM “HELP ME TO HELP YOU, NO MORE CONTACTS!!” LOL

    P.S. “but I need to be attracted both physically and emotionally to someone..these feelings have never developed towards you” thats a cold statment, I wouldve been like F#$K YOU if you said that to me haha

  53. 53 hewe

    haymanot wrote:

    Or maybe he just needs a visual because most men are visual learners after all(another man on your arm perhaps?)

    Sak be Sak- uffaa gedelshegn besak.

  54. 54 Hidaya

    Well, hello Squire Bez…ok let me make this short, email done and no more highjacking threads :)

    I tried to look for the old thread, until I realised I forgot the name of the thread, pff gasp imagine that?, lol needless to say the rest, cant find what you cant remember its name is how I would sum it up lol…

    Wow I wont ask again how the course going I can read your excitement lol…mate your entusiasm is infectious I am glad you’re enjoying it…

    If you still feel the same way after however many years it takes in the US to finish a law degree and training from now, without day dreaming to be writer teacher, actor, historian, playwright theatre something anything but a lawyer, then you know you are a lawyer,lol, if you go off to any of other subjects after degree it means you just wanted to study law for probably ,knowledge reasons about rights and society and stuff aye but either way it is a wonderful degree to study law and it actuall changes you as a person, changes your thinking process, it becomes more forensic as you read and read hundreds, then thousands cases pfff..

    Beware bezzie the reading is never ending and relentless…any reading which is not law keep it for the summer or better still after the end of the degree, but if you read and think about it daily for four hours you will sail through it lol..that is all you need in law really, read , then think analytically about what you read , follow rules according to legal principles, and you’re halfway there…

    Bezzie your 1st year is exciting but it is also your last year of proper sleep so no midnight epiphanies instead enjoy your sleep while you can 2nd and third year + training will have you begging for sleep ,if you accidentally freed a genie in a bottle and he granted you anything you wanted aye, dont ask about how that may come about, mind is gone to the dogs a long time ago lol..best of luck bezzie, i am out…

    PS: *gasp*Ok this wasnt short at all, gasp again…

    Selam from afar Dudey, where are you? :)

  55. 55 Bez

    Got ya email, that was not short at all but who cares lol, its a free web haha..anyways I am going to email you back tryin to avoid hijackin this thread lol.

    P.s I think the blog was called fear something, by the way “our” Lakers won the championship yay lol

  56. 56 saronm10

    kok,
    very interesting topic. i feel like we are in the same boat. what makes mine a little differt than you is when my family( father, brother, mother, sister…) take his side, sometimes not understanding the physical and emotional connection.

    i agree, i don’t want to be in a relationship just cause he is in love with me. i believe that i have to be equally in love with him to start a relationship.

    and you ask ” what a girl to do?” i am waiting till i find the one. ofcourse, i am wraping myself with faith.

  57. 57 Zola

    @ Nolawi:
    Hi Everybody,

    I’m a South African Businessman and am looking for an Ethiopian wife. Any takers out there?

    Please reply to:

    online1289764@telkomsa.net

  58. 58 Pride

    I can so relate to this situation. I have realized one thing though sometimes it is hard to stay friends with a person that has feelings for you. It might be easy for you but at times not fair to him. I learned this the hard way. I always want to stay friends with guy friends that have feelings for me but as I get older I realize that it so selfish. Open and honest communication is very important though. It is only fair to the person who is in love.

  59. 59 Gulele Kid

    I felt this story some how relates to me. I too have been in a relationship that was in the F-zone however it did not last for too long. At some point one of the other person will loss the patient and will move on. However the feeling will still be there no matter how bad things get.

  60. 60 Zola

    Hi Ladies, this is a very pertinent issue you are discussing. It is quite enlightning to go through your contributions. I’m glad I’ve discovered your blog.

    As I mentioned in my last posting, I’m a 38 year old South African Entrepreneur looking for an Ethiopian wife.

    You can privately respond to: online1289764@telkomsa.net

    Looking forward to hearing from you.

  61. 61 luli

    @ Hidaya

    “I agree, love has to be mutual in a relationship of equals, but me suspect that even when love is mutual it is rarely equal even between or amongst equals,”

    Never heard anything so true!!

  62. 62 Biruk

    I have found myself exactly in the poor man’s shoe before. It was hard. She had me begging and worshiping her for almost 2 years. But once I said enough and started to dis and ignore her, she came back crowling and begging. This was 5 years ago and guess who is mad at me? haha

  63. 63 Nolawi

    @ Biruk:
    Oh ya the b!tch right?

    Lol I am kidding?

  64. 64 Kok

    Good point Biruk. The optimistic side of me wants to say it’s because it gave her time think about things and decide what she really wants. The more realistic side of me knows that people (i refuse to only say women) are fickle and want what they *think* they can’t have.

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