Is honesty the best policy?
As a consultant for Fortune 500 companies, I'm used to traveling from city to city. Holiday Inn Express has become my home away from home for sometime now, the front desk clerks and I know each other on a first name bases. I was even invited to one of their homes for Easter. They even recognize my hairstyle changes as they have commented on them on several occasions. The other day, conversely Andy, barely 20 year old, with good intentions said that my new look makes me look much older, like 27 or something! Was that a necessary? When did 27 become ‘much older?’ Besides, I paid a lot of money to get this new look! Is honestly the best policy?
One of my clients, whom I had not seen in over a month was now sporting a new short hair do, well the look did not necessarily compliment her in any way. It revealed her big protruding ears and that was not pretty on her. I noticed it but avoided making any comment. But she noticed me taking double takes every time assuming she wasn't paying attention, she eventually asked ‘how I liked her new look?’ It was an instantaneous response "looks fabulous –love it" and I had a big smile to go with that big lie, very convincing I'm sure. But, was that necessary? Why did I lie to her face? Is honesty the best policy?
Sometime last year, I was at a dinner party thrown by a host to welcome his brother back home from a 2 year sabbatical in Asia. Wonderful party, not too many people and the ones there were mostly professional adults. I noticed there were more women then men, and these women seemed to be mostly single. I realized that this ‘returnee’ from China was a young, single and a doctor, who looked gorgeous from a distance. I sensed he knew these young single ladies as they had their eye on him, after all the older brother threw out a cheer every single chance he got:
…my dearest brother, DR. John Doe, did this and that", … he is single and ready to mingle"
Anyway, this Dr. Doe would go from one lady to another, as if this was a reality show called– speed dating. I guess I was his next choice; as he approached with a big smile. I didn't notice it before but he was indeed gorgeous, well-built body with nice pearly whites, and a perfect deep dimple on the right cheek, wow… I'm in; press that bell and begin this interview! I introduced myself and the moment he said hello – he blew me away, literally… with his bad breath! What happened there? They were pearly… what to do, what to do? Is honesty the best policy?
I went on a date with a guy I had met at a friend's house party. A friend of mine, who was drunk at the time, insisted that we hook up.
The following weekend we meet for dinner. It was about 10 minutes into the conversation and I wanted the night to end. He had absolutely no sense of humor; he had an ego bigger then his 2 nd house he had apparently just paid all cash for. I think he mentioned he was a physician about 17 times and may have even hinted the size of his portfolio a couple of other times. I had not shown any interest at all, I was being cordial and felt I needed to finish the dinner, so I stayed. Anyway, at the end of the night, as he walked me to the car, he opened my car door and just as I was getting in, he grabbed me for a kiss – on the lip? No, not a goodnight peck but a K.I.S.S, he was ready to attack. WHAT? I pulled away and indicated that wasn't necessary, he was very surprised and asked – WHY NOT, min neuw??? Didn’t you see how bored I was? Is honesty the best policy?
YES YES YES! Shanti honesty is the best policy. However, it has a place and time. You shouldn’t offer your opinion unless you’re asked for it. Even when asked you must consider the person and whether they really want your opinion or not. And when answering you don’t have to be rude, you can easily politely say you prefer the older style of your client instead of the current one.
In the case of Dr. Doe …that’s better left alone because you don’t know the guy well enough to say anything. Besides, his brother should have said something to him. But lets say you were on a date and you really like this guy and he has spinach stuck in his teeth…then by all means tell him and you too can have a laugh over it.
When on a date and your simply not interested in the guy, just keep throwing out the friend word over and over again and at the end of the night be frank when saying “im only interested in a friendship”
I always reverse the situation and ask, “How I would like to be treated?” and proceed from there. That way at least you will never be a hypocrite.
Shantiyee…wey asakshign! I think honesty should’ve been the best policy when it comes to the men….as a friend would say, ‘memot tichilaleh!’ kind of honesty(just kidding!) Kemirr ggin, I’d have been honest in your last case. A guy I recently was introduced to seemed to be a nice person…and after a few minutes conversation, I felt he has a good head on his shoulders. He was very honest/open..said he was looking for an abesha to settle with(had been dating Non-abesha) all his life. Since I have someone I promised to introduce him to one of my friends or cousins. We kept in touch through email/phone…gosh, the guy should be stripped of his bragging rights! All he talks about is his boat, the next states to expand his business to, his vacation homes. At first, I thought ‘well, that’s the kind of life he lives…so, he’s just sharing his life’..but when it becomes apparent that he’s letting me know more about what he has than about himself as a person, I laid it out in plain english…..”you know we’ve promised to be honest as friends ?..so, i’m just saying this as a sister…I’ll tell u the reasons I wouldn’t date u even if i didn’t have someone….you talk too much about what you have that it feels as if u think u can buy love with money! ” (doobb!)
Well, I thought maybe that’s how ferenj talk…and was trying to teach him the abesha way. yea, we r still friends…he didn’t like it at first…but now he thinks he can rely on me for an honest opinion.
Shantikua, now you got me thinking…
Was that Ayn YemiQoteQut kinda bad breath?
Poor girl!
Truely though, honesty is really not the best policy. However, I must agree that strong relationships/friendships are based on complete honesty – Its the very foundation.
I say don’t lie unless you have to, and always tell the truth unless you’re forced not to (sounds too easy, doesn’t it?)
Shanti, is honesty the best policy? What else is there? I’m known among my friends as the “tooooo honest one” and the word is if you’re not ready to hear it don’t ask celebrate. But you know what I have true friends for life, because we’re open and honest, and I trust them with anything anytime. I’m a little too blunt sometimes and I’ve tried to change but I was miserable trying to mask what my heart really felt. Now with that said, put me in the work environment and my Sybil multiple personality comes out. Because in the work environment I say what I need to say to get over the point and not necessarily to get to the point, reason why I separate business from pleasure.
You see sometimes some people are unaware of the situation or if what they’ve said to you is offensive or hurtful unless you can honestly express your feelings. Also when they say it to you again you’ll have to pretend it’s ok until it gets to you and you blow your top. I had a very good friend of mine make a very harsh comment about our mutual friend and I was extremely uncomfortable as I hate to gossip. So after going home and not able to purge her comment from my brain, and I knew I was going to lose sleep over this, I called her and expressed how I felt. You know what? She didn’t realize her comment was hurtful towards our friend and apologized for putting me in the middle.
For someone I’ve never met and have no intention of building any type of relationship with well I just let them be. If they have spinach in their teeth or bad breath I may offer a floss or gum without expressing, peeyoooo or oh my goooooddddd!
As far as men I don’t know how else to be but honest because I don’t play with my heart…I either like him, love him, or could care less. If I’m on a date and I just know in my heart this is going no where (no spark) but I really like the guy I’d tell him you’d be a great friend to have and mean it. If he just irritates the hell out of me then it’s time to cut it short and separate in peace. I expect him to be equally honest with me. My rule for dating and men is play games in the bedroom and not with your heart. You see when you’re dishonest that one thing you’re trying to avoid will surface at some point in the relationship then it’s a harsh break up with not even an acquaintanceship to salvage.
The one problem I do have is if someone gives you a gift you know you just hate and don’t even want to think about it how do you tell them? Usually in this case I just say thank you and one person asked me do you like it? My reply I’d find use for it then I gave it away. Am I wrong?
Is honesty the best policy? Endwent menager lela menim yelem. yes, ja, oui, si…..think about it would you respect or like a person that you know has been dishonest with you?
celebrate, you’re certainly celebrating life, aren’t you? I agree with you in most of what you said, but I do think that being too honest too quickly could backfire. I usually spit out what’s on my mind too quickly. As a result, I end up having to find myself in a lot of troubles.
This one is interesting…
Back in my working-for-people days, I went ballistic on my boss the moment I realized he was going to hand me another one of his big projects that had an unrealistic deadline. Mind you, I was already swamped with the work I was doing and sometimes having to work straight seven days.
I said the first thing that came to my mind
…are you fucking kidding me?
he was shocked and couldn’t believe what just came out of my mouth. I didn’t stop there. I went on and on about how he was totally unfair and that I demanded he gets off my back for at least a month about new projects bla …bla ..bla.
What I didn’t realize was that one of the company VPs was also standing just right outside of my office. My boss got in trouble. I felt so stupid.
Shantiye, I really think honesty is the best policy. Now how you say it obviously matters but you still gotta let the person know, at times in no uncertain terms. When it comes to men, I feel there is already too many reading of signs to add vague communications to it so heck gurl, Let him know!
If you have to ask yourself “should I be honest?” before you reply to a question, then the answer is probably No.
But sometimes, especially when you want to hurt someone, honesty is the best tool you got – made up insults just never hurt as much as honest ones.
These are the rules to live by … Shanti seems to have a grasp of these things. People who should like you will be happy with you and those that you don’t like will not want to have anything to do with you.
*Disclaimer: If you practiced these rules and got a good whooping because you called ye seferachihun kuli – kuli – aheeem … then I can only honestly tell you, you are a bit korkoroish yourself. These rules do not apply to close friends who desreve all the ridicule you can muster with as much honesty as possible.
you want honesty? fine! here’s honesty:
i really think that some people should just go and play in traffic.
there i said it.
Shanti – If I am in a position where I am forced to say something, I would rather be honest with most people. For instance in the case of your client with the new hair do, I probably would have responded by saying.to be honest, I prefer your previous do, but this one is not bad either (since she has already cut her hair and can not grow it back anytime soon, no need to make her feel too bad. After all some other person may really like her new hair do.)
Whomp Whomp… Is honesy the Best policy?
There are three answer, the one the smart people will tell you and the one good people will tell you and the bad people will tell you..
Smart people will say that it is better not to say anything if its going to strain your relationship…. I have a friend who has a good friend who is dating an asswhole and he cheats minamin.. and I asked my friend why she doesn’t tell her.. and my friend is like.. why should I lose my friendship with her for a guy.. one day she will realize about him… because the girl is apparently crazy in love and will not listen to anyone… so this was about 2 yrs ago.. and I hear they are engaged.. eventhough he is not faithful and she doesn’t know… but my friend is right.. the girl would be like that is because you are jealous that you say that about him …
The good people will be honest regardless of the situation.. I have actually hurt people feelings many times over because I say it like it is… over the long run it’s the best for them but in the short run it might affect your relationship..
Some people just lie… its easy … but I think that its wrong… try to avoid lying if possible is my philosophy…
At this time in my life I feel honesty is the best policy… and if you are honest people will be honest with you… if I have spinach on my teeth then I want to know…
And then there is the relationship thing.. I believe in honesty here too.. don’t say you love someone when you don’t… don’t mislead… what goes around comes around… ofcource in some instances its better not to say anything….
I have been at both ends… “ hey I never lied to you eko.. you didn’t ask me if I cheated on you”
Oh god when woman lie its dangerous eko… chris rock is right… she will tell you that its your baby… and wait till the kid is 18 to tell you the truth… ayee
Honesty is a prerequisite to the true friends’ relationships. Genuine friendship cannot exist where one of the parties is unwilling to hear the truth, and the other is equally indisposed to speak it. True friends aren’t afraid to be honest and they aren’t afraid to be themselves.
You’re basically in the middle range when it comes to telling the truth. You recognize that honesty is generally the best policy but also know that it can appear rude or lead to hurt feelings. Statistics show that people tell, on average, seven white lies a day, from saying “I’m fine” when you’re having a terrible day to complimenting someone on a hair cut you actually dislike. Shanti you are no exception. You allow yourself the occasional guilt-free lie, depending on the situation and the importance of the withheld information. You probably don’t intend to be dishonest, or when you do it’s simply the most practical solution in a tricky situation.
When it comes to your date Shanti…
There’s really no truly pain-free way to do it, but I say something along the lines of “I like you, otherwise I would never have made the effort to meet you, but I gotta be honest, I’m not feeling any romantic chemistry.” Yeas, it does suck to be the bad guy and possibly bruise some poor girls’ ego in the middle of a first date. However, I guarantee you its better than suffering through the rest of the date, or saying you’re going to call when you know you have absolutely no intention of doing so, or lying and leading her on. Be honest if you’re not feeling that certain spark. If we were on a date Sahnti and you said that, I would think you were crazy for not liking me (since I am so fabulous!):-) But I would appreciate the honesty and think any less of you for it.
I’ve also heard from NOLAWI that he always meet girls for the first time for coffee. As he calls it “this is a quick and easy way too met but without being stuck for a long time.”
In the case of Dr. Doe…how you deliver the news is as important as the news itself. So instead of telling him that his breath stinks, offer him a mint!
Chelema…
There are times when you simply disagree with your boss. There is nothing wrong with stating your points of view, if you can support it with facts. A bad idea is loudly declaring you are right and he is wrong in front of other people; this borders on insubordination and could cost you your job. Discuss differences of opinion in private if possible, so the boss’s authority is not seen to be under challenge.
All said and done if you care enough about a friend, you find a kind way to let them know what they should hear instead of letting them be deceived. Honesty shows that you respect and value your friends and leads the way to trust and goodwill. So I see no good reason to change that policy of mine now simply because some people are uncomfortable with the truth. Honesty Pays!
Shanti,
It all depends. I find that there are many situations where honesty is not necessarily the best policy. Like when your friend has an outfit that she obviously loves but is hideous and she asks you how it looks you say it looks great because she loves the out fit and because there is no accounting for taste. Or you get invited to a friend’s baby Christening and she asks you isn’t he beautiful and you say he looks like an angel even though her baby looks like Yoda. Or when you are asked how much you weigh (as long as you are with in 10lbs of your actual weight), except when you are about to get on a helicopter then honesty IS the best policy. For me there are times where lying is the best policy as long as it is done to spare someone’s feelings or it is used for self-preservation purposes.
Kiki
[quote comment="12075"]I find that there are many situations where honesty is not necessarily the best policy. Like when your friend has an outfit that she obviously loves but is hideous and she asks you how it looks you say it looks great because she loves the out fit and because there is no accounting for taste. [/quote]
I would say this is one case where you should definitely be honest. Otherwise, it would be a disservice to your friend, imho. The baby thing, well, that’s kinda’ delicate. (there’s a whole Seinfeld episode based on that, lol).
Honesty should be the best and the only policy. The guy I used to date was stingy like hell, I can’t even explain how stingy he was(very unusual for Abesha guys); and I tried to stick with him for a while with out telling him how I felt; but once I told him that he is so Gebgaba, Konkuana, Selfish and he needs to change, he was gone in no time. I am better off with out him and I think I did him a favor by telling him his weakness, so that he might work on it for his next relationship.
woy gude.. motkugne… ezhi.. munit.. man that is so funny
gebgaba, konkuana… lol you are better of with out him…
you LA abesha chicks are somewhat superficial though you know… it could be that you want too much fancy stuff… personally i dont mind paying for good stuff but there are those girls that want to order the most expensive thing not because they want it but just for the sake of ordering it… the worst part is if they don’t it… i once had a date that order a large appetizer and extra bread and by the time the meal came she asked for a box….
another LA chick … a cousin of a good friend her BF that if he does loose 20 or so pounds that he gained while they were dating ...he is a goner… and she only gave him 2 months… and sure enough she let him go… atleast she is honest,…
Shanti – I find it is best to be direct and honest every time, when it comes to dating. If during the date I discover that I am not romantically interested in the guy and he has openly shown such interest, I would stick around to finish the date……a coffee, lunch or dinner date whatever, to show respect for his time and effort, but then will find the perfect time to say…hopefully before he makes a move to make any physical contact.
I appreciate your interest in me, but I do not share the same interest in you. and if it is someone I am interested in being friends with, I would add can we be friends? If not, I would offer to share the expense, thank him for the date and say goodbye.
Lulu…How can you ask a guy to be your platonic friend after breaking his heart on the first date!
Imagine the discussion he will have with his friends the next day;
He will be talking about the hot date he went the night before, and
This will be followed by an extremely sad look on the friends faces, followed by them shaking their heads; the kind of sad shaking after witnessing someone being run over by a truck.
Chelema, no one gets to be who they are without having gone thru some of life’s lessons. I’ve messed up major and lost my religion at one job straight out of college then I quit cause I was too embarrassed to go back after my showdown with my boss plus I knew what the ultimate outcome would be. I was right but I didn’t need to drill it into her. Yes I was young and hot headed but with age you gain patience and you understand life is not always about you. That’s what I meant by “I say what I need to say to get over the point and not necessarily to get to the point” So if you don’t learn from your own mistakes there is no book, no seminar, and no person that could teach you about you like YOU. “you’re certainly celebrating life, aren’t you?” who doesn’t. “Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ~ unknown. Rose colored glasses? No brown.
Nolawi, I have been at both ends… “ hey I never lied to you eko.. you didn’t ask me if I cheated on you” My friend Robin, when being asked by the girls that hit on him, “are you married?” his reply, “No but my wife is” hahahaha
Munit, That was really good….hope he never wanted from you either. A girl once told me she knows a guy who is so cheap he carries a tea bag because hot water is free. Wonder if it’s the same guy….
DawitK – The way you portrayed it, it does seem rather sad.
But think of it this way, I am also giving him the opportunity to reject me as a friend. If I ask him to be my friend, it is because I value who he is what he has to offer as a friend and as a person. And believe me, his rejection would hurt because it would be my loss. And if he values who I am the way I value him, I think he will decides to accept the friendship. What would come out of this friendship is hard to say. But you just never know, as people change overtime.
If the tables were turned. and I was the one being offered the friendship. I will take it…no doubt.
[quote comment="12105"]woy gude.. motkugne… ezhi.. munit.. man that is so funny
you LA abesha chicks are somewhat superficial though you know… it could be that you want too much fancy stuff… personally i dont mind paying for good stuff but there are those girls that want to order the most expensive thing not because they want it but just for the sake of ordering it… the worst part is if they don’t it… i once had a date that order a large appetizer and extra bread and by the time the meal came she asked for a box….
another LA chick … a cousin of a good friend her BF that if he does loose 20 or so pounds that he gained while they were dating ...he is a goner… and she only gave him 2 months… and sure enough she let him go… atleast she is honest,…[/quote]
what’s wrong with ordering a lobster and some good wine Lemawerareja? don’t hate LA girls, we are just high maintenance, nothing to do with being superficial.
shanti-Shantiwa, great topic!!
celebrate LOL, loved ur #19!!! betam asikign!…robin sure got a good comeback line….weey teabag alsh? genzeb kebad neger new abo!!!! degmo leWiha beQitel!!
Amen! biyalehu!… in trying to be happy you accept things as they are because u’re grateful; you understand that you can’t have joy about the good things without the bad. And because u are YOU: your imperfections along with every other part of you.
When it comes to honesty – what I’ll say is related to the quote…
Most importantly the honesty policy NEEDS to be: complete and absolute honesty with oneself!!!!
Here’s a little section from an absolutely beautiful little book “the alchemist”:
As I went back to read responses, I realized…
I’ve unintentionally slightly shifted the focus of the discussion; look at it this way….
Isn’t your relationship with yourself one of the most important in your life? one that actually shapes relationships with others? Allows you to be sure of who you are and what you want?
In addition to Shanti’s questions about how to behave and communicate with others in our lives, we may consider the same about ourselves:
“honesty as the best policy in your relationship with yourself?”
or…should we lie to ourselves or…make ourselves believe certain things? etc…
So many interesting topics..
that is how the family ended up in Abilene/TX.. you got to say what is on your mind.
where does it say abilene TX…
honesty withourself felasfit… now that is difficult
I can honestly say that I’ve never been fully truthful with any person in my entire life, and chances are I’ll probably never be. (Hmm …to trust or no to trust that statement?
)
There’s a thin line between being assertive/supportive and issuing harmful truth. I’ll be honest before a person gets a hair cut, but not after they come out of the salon looking like yelelit wef. What’s the point? (OK … le’yelelit wef I’ll probably laugh, but that’s more rudeness than honesty.) I think honesty should be used to bring about change, and by that I strictly mean if the person can change and not so much if the person is willing to change. So you suggest to a friend not to get a hair cut, but once they get it, oh hell! Most everyday things humans disagree on are a matter of perception and preference anyway.
On the other hand, if something is blatantly harmful, like Nolawi’s friend in #11 , a friendship that can’t sustain truth like that is not a friendship that’s worth worth keeping. (sorry nolawi … i think it’s so wrong not to tell teh girl – with an ass like that for a boyfriend, what if she ends up getting some STD? )
bgFelasfit,
I totally agree! Honesty begins at home…you can deny what someone else is saying to you but you can’t bs yourself. If you’re able to be open and honest with you then relating to others on the same level is a piece of cake. But you got to clean your house first and see it, accept it and love it for what it is.
Tobian
hmm or worse she is engaged to be married… pick one an STD or betrayal… interesting outlook I will even consider buying it.. gin but tobian who know you could lying right now…!!!
Honesty with yourself is the best policy but i don’t think it is the best policy when it comes to others. Unless it your honesty is going to be constructive to your relationships or the situation, it is best you don’t say anything. Sometimes you end up hurting somebody’s feelings and this can not be justified by “It’s for their own good”. The only time you can freely be honest is if you are asked to give your opinion, then they asked for the brutal truth, it’s not your fault
.
Wow, thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions… please know I really do appreciate your view on this subject. I would certainly agree that honesty is indeed the best policy, in most cases. It does depend on how one delivers this honesty and I sense most of us agree on that…
I am a firm believer in “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” – If I learnt anything in Qess timhert bet, then that’s it. I may not practice it 100% of the time but I’m almost at 88%… baby steps
Talking about babies: a friend once told me that her mom, who is from Alabama was all about honesty but this darn issue was way to delicate, so she had the best solution, if she ran into someone with a baby and the baby just had a face only the mother could love… the magic words were “oh, that’s a precious b-a-b-y”, you must drag the words ‘baby’ for the full effect – try it, works every single time. All babies are precious… that’s not a lie!
There is no doubt that honesty is the best policy. It is so liberating to be honest and it is a prerequisite for true and lasting friendship. But, I think it should be combined with wisdom. Especially with haircuts and things that are more of an opinion than a fact, it is better to shut up. I remember a guy telling me that my tie doesn’t match my suit. I told him it is because he is 20 years behind. He got offended. Who should be offended? me or him? He may think he is being honest. In that case I am being honest too.
The main factor is motive. Why do you want to tell me about my hair? Is it because you really care? Motive is always tricky. For some reason we always tend to overlook the malicious motives that linger within us while it is easily apparent to others.
Cheers,
Hello everyone !!!!! This is my first time doing this. I feel like a cave woman learning how to communicate.
hahaaha….
u’ll get the hang of it soon enough
welcome kunche
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